I was reading a blog the other day http://blueskiescloudydays.blogspot.com/ and many things jumped out at me in a good way. It made me rethink how I act towards people. My negativity and my pretty bad social anxiety that I suffer from causes me not to be so kind in public. I'm not rude but I don't put myself out for strangers.
I can't remember what post on that blog had to do something with kindness also. I always have thought of myself as a kind person but the fact is that I really don't put myself out that much to be kind to strangers. I hate going out most of the time. I figure I probaly have a negative glow to me and most of the time look unapproachable. I give to chairtys but that isn't the same as being kind in my every day interactions. I have done a ton of volunteer work in the past. The word is the past.
I have been trying harder out in public lately even if I swear I won't go out. Yesterday, I tried something a little different. SMILING. Yes, I had to force it on and it wasn't easy . I'm generally not a negative person but really can get caught up into it sometimes. To be more accurate I'm a self absorbed person . I have been so caught up with myself and my own misery. I have never been a person to allow many other people in my life either. I go about life quite in public and really don't speak or have much interaction with strangers. I really have never liked small talk either. Don't much like it from anyone that provides a service either: denist, doctors, hair stylist, etc. You get the point. So, my interaction in public is severly limited.
Well, yesterday I decided to put myself out there a little. I had to walk to my dental appoinment since J had an appoinment at the same time. I decided to smile at everyone I meet on my little less than a mile walk. Some people had a tough demeanor and when I would smile at them they smiled back. I thought wow this is different. All the unfriendly faces turned friendly. Got to the denist office to get my cleaning and I found myself engaged in chit chat about the weather etc. Weather is always a huge topic around these parts. I thought I really don't care about the weather as it is what it is period. I'm trying to be friendly though and when I would engage in small talk the staff just seemed much more friendlier to me. I even when ask how are you by the denist I replied I'm great isn't it a fine day outside. He was more postive with me and a little bit more gentle also. Was told I had two small cavities when I had the cleaning and took responsiblity and said fine I will take care of those asap. My lack of dental care over the years has been horrible due to lack of money or not taking care of myself because either my mouth was so screwed what is the use or low self -esteem. They smiled didn't lecture and said when I had my cleaning wow, it isn't that bad for a person that hasn't had it cleaned and neglected for 15 years. I said I really started taking care of it this year and flossing regularly and brushing more than once a day. They reassured me it is what I do now that matters and I'm really taking care of my oral hygiene now. My mouth is a new start and I want to keep it perfect now. I find myself smiling more with a real smile.
I thought why I was in a good mood I would get more done yesterday. Even made small talk with the barber who now cuts my hair because the over-priced salon was full of negative gossipy people. The atmosphere was dismal. The price outragish as I was paying close to 50 bucks to basically get a trim for little hair. I have real short hair now. She would never want to cut it short and the last time left me in a sink for 5 minutes with shampoo in my hair. I wasn't thrilled with saying I go to a barber. He does a better job, has a better atmosphere, better magazines that deal with real life and doesn't leave hair all over me. The price 14 bucks. I still wrinkle my nose at the ideal of going to a barber though. I shouldn't just call him a barber as he actually really does know hair and difficult hairlines. He always gets my hair. I have a wacky hair lines with many cow licks which makes it very difficult to deal with and he doesn't leave my licks flipped up everywhere. I find straight men are easier to get along with also and much prefer the lack of cattiness and superficial crap that goes on in a salon. It isn't my cup of tea:)
Got done ran more errands kept smiling and noticed this one man at the pharmacy. He looked like me most of the time. Very somber, frown big and intimdating. I looked over and smiled at him. He didn't smile. When I got my things to leave looked back and smiled again. He actually cracked a smile. It made me really think about how unapproachable I'm in public and the ideal most people probaly have about me when they don't know me. I don't know what was going on with this man but when he did smile it was lovely.
I really have to start smiling and making myself smile out in public. It makes me lighter and changes how the public deals with me. I'will have to fake it till I make it but I'm starting. I would at one time tell J to smile and not have such a serious look. J would tell me I'm not a chesire cat with a big grin. Well, I will try to be more like a toothy chesire cat until it feels more natural to me and not so freaky . One small little step which see ms so easy isn't that easy but so worth it. Now if I can keep it up.