Another Mixed Day

Grr. I can't get this to edit or spell check. I guess I will edit it and spell check it later.

I really didn't want to blog but it has been awhile. The reason why I didn't want to blog is I feel like I sound like a broken record and I much don't have anything much to say. I'm trudging along in my mixed mood. It isn't all bad as I don't have that paralyzed feeling I often get being mixed where I don't do anything except watch TV and play on the computer. I don't have much drive though and when I make myself do something I often have hyper focus. Or I'm just totally scattered not knowing what direction I should take during the day. My routine is so off at the moment. I do try though if I can remember what to do. I used to have everything wrote down for occasions like this how I do each task and didn't have to think about how to get through a task. When I get back out of this mood I shall write down my lack of routine or routine on how I do things around the house and what I need to do. Things, I need to keep up etc. Many things get forgot during this period of time. Many things lack attention to detail also. I guess it is my lack of concentration. I'm generally not like this.

I'm still waiting on word about how much it is going to cost us to remodel. The guy said he would get back to us next week well it is next week and a little past. It has been about 8-9 days if I remember right. It pisses me off as I have to plan everything to the money. Money and lack of money for this is a big stressor for me at the moment.

Another stressor is my dog is failing and I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't know when as when I was thinking and writing an e-mail to a friend I thought maybe this week by describing his condition. Well, Mr. Brett, surprised me yesterday and had a very good day and managed to wake us only twice . Once in the middle of the night and morning when I generally wake up. Damn, this dog isn't going to make it easy. Most days though he has been not himself and his bad days are starting to really catch up with him. I will play it by ear. I do think he can't possible make it till next month and it would be something if he could make it without suffering. That is wishful thinking though and I will deal with this and not fall apart. I have had this dear dog for almost 12 years. He has been to hell and back with me. Thick and thin. He is also my dear friend and has travelled with me over the years. He has travelled more than most people have. Basically, he is my loyal companion that never has judge me in the almost 12 years I have had him during my illness. That says a lot as many people have left my life in this time period because they didn't want to be around me anymore. Some have left because they are deceased. His life span has brought much change in my life and not all for the better. Most of all I will miss my running buddy. As, a Brittany he really loved to run and would work me out and as a younger dog run me or drag me and give me the exercise I needed twice a day at one time.
He will be missed and I have wonderful and not so wonderful memories of him. He was not the best behaved dog and a hand-full most of his life. He makes me shake my head. He has grown to be a fine dog though.

I don't know what I will do today. Probably some cleaning around the house. I never lack anything to do around the house. I also have a new spin bike that I need to make room for. I need to get J to put that thing together. I need to stay busy and get what I can get done. I'm always afraid the other shoe will drop and I will be in a dark deep funk. I always try to prepare for my funks but most of the time fail to prepare the best. I just can't allow myself to go there again. I will do anything not to get to that point.

Take Responsibilty for your mental illness

I'm seating here wondering what to write. I have been in some sort of mood for the past two days. I lack concentration, patients and feel very scrambled at the same time of feeling paralyzed to do much of anything. I have a bad attidude also. It sounds like a dysphoric mania which is basically a mixed mood. I also have tunnel vision and sleep erractic hours. I feel just a tad better today acutually sleeping through the night from prior nights of sleep deprivation to get on a better schedule with my sleep. It seems to be working slowly. My brain is mis-firing where I have a hard time thinking how to spell words when blogging or saying what I really mean because I can't think of the accurate word. Things that generally come easy to me baffle me lately. Which causes impatients and anger if I'm distrubed trying to figure out the very basics of life. Even when I close my eyes at night I have a display of images and colours like a kalidoscope in my head. My head plays songs in it like a radio. To cope with this I go with what my head is doing and it puts me to sleep. I don't fight it but try to be comfortable with it watching it like a movie. Lately, I have been off my rocker but for some reason unknown to myself right now I try my hardest to be productive and get anything done even if it takes a little longer.


When your bi-polar you have many things that don't make sense at the time but you can't give up with getting better and learn after several years to years how to manage the pain and the misery with coping mechanisms that you pick up . I don't hide from my symptoms and if I can't be around people I don't go around them or limited my expousoure to them and I'm fine. Sometimes isolation can actually be a good thing if your going to act out. I did go out yesterday and it about drove me over the edge. I thought maybe if I went out it would do me good. I should of took a walk outside and not went shopping. I hurried it up yesterday and came home. I was a mess. I retreated to the bed until I had my emotions under control and wasn't hurtful with my verbally abuse mouth . I can get very verbal abusive when my mood is this way. I had a mantra in my head don't say anything you can't take back. Well, it worked for the most part.


I'm still working on a plan and think about it everyday. I have small ideas but need to expound on them and it is taking time. I'm just surviving at the moment and better yet taking care of my mental health the best I know how. It will work over a couple of weeks and I will be back to some other mood but I'm managing my moods to have no damage that I can't pick up. Way better than it used to be because I used to leave a trail of destruction and impacted other people. I'm not into that any more and try my best not fuck up everything I touch in some manic psychotic mood. I know I'm gradually gettting better because the paranoia is not there anymore. I'm to the point I don't care what people think and do at the moment. I'm more annoyed and impatient with people. Since I have limited my contact with people lately. My impatients is with the dogs. I keep it in but I really wish they would leave me alone lately even though I love them so much. It is just my mood. How can you tell a puppy not to be playful. I just suck it up and try to distract her with different play so she leaves me alone. She is such a sweet dog , I just can't get mad at her . I just keep it to myself because I know I'm not being reasonable. I have to remind myself I have to be responsible for my actions and mental illness isn't an excuse to act like an asshole or to blame it on something or someone for pushing my buttons. It is hard but I have coping mechanism. I sometimes take pills prn but only when I get to this point. Pills are helpful to get some control but the pill will never do it for you. You have to develop life skills as well and really reach into yourself and no matter how hard it is don't act on impulses or at least find healthy things you can tunnel vision in.