Saturday, September 1, 2012


First off I can't get my own comment section to work to comment back on the comments. It is frustrating. I want to say thanks to all that commented. I'm really trying to change this vicious cycle with my moods by being more proactive and dealing with my life even if it isn't perfect by any means.

This week has been a rough week. J sickness has got worse since detoxing off the booze. We had to go to the er this week with symptoms of a gallbladder and it wasn't that but a fatty liver. J can't hold food down at all for the past 2 weeks. J shits it all out and on top of that doesn't want to eat hardly at all . Which isn't like J. J is very over weight due to all the weight gain from all those nice psych pills. The doc said the fatty liver was due to J's fatness. Who knows because as I was reading you have to do a liver biopsy and the doc didn't do one. He did do blood test and a ultrasound. I was hoping for a gallbladder as that is fairly straight forward. This isn't as straight forward and really their is no change in J's sickness and J is very sick and very weak. I think we will find out more when J goes for a follow up the 24th. The er doctor wasn't what i say very good or helpful.. I find in the area where we live the doctors aren't very good and I have been to a lot of doctors over a lifetime for various things. I certainly wouldn't feel like putting my life in any of their hands up at the hospital. I always joke around and say if I break anything or am very sick drive me 90 miles away to the next bigger city. I even question how they read an ultra sound as J has had a bad ultra sound before in this area and was told that the other city was going to do it over again because everything they do here is questionable.

J not eating means I don't want to cook just for myself. My diet has been crap this week and I hardly eat. J eats soup or something like ensure. I made my first real meal last night where I grilled some burgers. It felt good to eat something like real meat (lol) I have been running around like crazy to take care of J these past 2 weeks. You would think J's legs don't work nor arms.  It puts me in a funky mood. It seems when I try to take care of myself something like this happens.It pisses me off because I don't abuse my body like J. If I did I would have to pick up my own pieces and get no help . J sometimes drags me down . J is starting to get real whiny.  I hate whiny sick. Who knows if the liver is from being fat or from drinking to much. Abuse is abuse. Even if it has tons of reasons. Of course J is in denial and feels helpless doing anything about it. It might take getting off the couch and putting the food down to solve. It might mean cutting back on the psych pills and dealing with life.

I do know one thing I can't  put my own life on hold anymore. It effects me in a negative way and triggers depression. I know that for me to stay healthy mentally I have to stay active and do some of the things that make me happy.