To many choices

I'm sitting in a hotel room today. I'm trying to figure out what to do today. I'm not really wanting to do anything except watch t.v , eat, drink and sleep. I'm tired today and really have no energy what so ever. I was an hurting a lot after loading and packing everything yesterday. A five hour drive yesterday just left me totally wiped out. I really can blame myself for being so tired yesterday because I left everything basically to the last minute again. I did do somethings to prepare for this but left a lot of the harder things to the last minute. Also, the puppy was a mess yesterday. It got into something so I had to bathe it in the morning before boarding it. Nothing like a playful huge puppy pulling on you in the bathtub in the morning. I was pretty dead after scrubbing the puppy. I thought to myself why am I even doing this when she is going to probably stink like a kennel when I pick her up.

We ended up in Cambridge in the evening since I left the big parts to the last minute. J helped a tiny bit this time. More than J has done in a couple of years. I was shocked. Usually, it all up to me to get us both packed and everything planned. I was so overwhelmed yesterday I wanted to say I'm staying home. I had to push myself and talk to myself. I told myself , just a little bit more and your done. I even lied to myself and said I probably will enjoy all my time. The truth is I will enjoy probably today and that is all. I have in-laws for two days. I love them but they are so elderly they need a lot of help. Which means we will be super busy. Also, means we are going to have to put up with J's senile demented mother also. I smile and try to be nice but it gets old and is very sad to be around. I here the same thing repeated all damn day long and it makes me want to tear my hair out. It drives J crazy also because well it is her mother. It is a sad thing to witness even though it very stressful. We have other appointments for the next two days also. We have to take our truck in to get repaired at the dealership since the dealership in our town are lazy incompetent assbags. The other is for eye glasses.

I'm trying to get the energy to do something fun today. I like shopping but I'm not much into catching a taxi all over the place. J is at a meeting today. I have the day by myself. Part of me is so afraid to spend. J is in a good mood and gave me her Visa card. I should be thrilled. If I can ever get my butt moving or had any motivation today I would be happy. I'm in moving in very slow speed today. Ironically, I pretty much cleaned the room today. I really don't like the maid to do anything except make the bed and take out the trash. I hate people in my things. I also set out my clothes today. I decided to really get fixed up. I really like getting all spiffy. Maybe, when I clean up I will feel like going out. I also dread I have to get the t.v. here fixed before I go and also might have to move rooms. I called down stairs and it won't be until this afternoon it will get looked at. We don't get all the good channels. J about flipped last night as she wanted to watch TCM. I call it the old movie channel. I just know it better be fixed when J comes back this afternoon. I could care less really as I don't care about the tv as much. I would like to watch the food network though. I don't get that at home. I get a lot of ideas from cooking shows. When I'm in a good space I love to cook.

I keep on thinking what to do today. I feel so indecisive about all the choices I have. I have so many choices today it gives me anxiety. I know if I push myself and breath in and out I will get my head together. Plus, probably if I walk to some of the places I want to I will release the anxiety from the exercise. Nothing like a brisk walk on a cold day. I will blog later as I have so much in my head and this is getting long.

Sad days

I haven't been writing lately. That is because it has felt like life has kicked me in the teeth again. I have had so much going on and much tragic news. I don't much talk about my family on here. The news I have received lately is my uncle has liver cancer and is terminal . My grandmother that lives with my mother is going on hospice in the real near future. She is 94 so that isn't a big surprise. She also has severe senile dementia. I have mourned the departure of my grandma when she lost her mind about 7 or 8 years ago. The hardest one I have to stomach right now is the possibility that my daughter might have leukemia. She has had several blood test that all come back screwy. The values indictate something is wrong and she will be going to a hematologist for farther investigation. I will hear something hopefully by Friday. It has been the longest 2 and a half weeks with this. I just want some answers and they aren't coming fast enough for me. I'm scared and haven't dealt very well with all this news. I should say I'm dealing with it the best I can. Some days , I don't even get out of my pj's and just watch the crappy t.v. Some days, I try real hard . I feel like I'm on a roller coaster ride and just want to get off.

I'm planning a trip up north and will be gone for about 5-6 days. Up north is very spiritual for me and I need to connect to something. This trip is to restore some of my sanity as well as just to escape. I need some recharging. I know my problems will be right where I left them. Maybe, with some renewed spirit I will feel more like coping instead of finding my faith in a beer bottle. I have been getting drunk lately and it isn't acceptable to me. I need the beauty of nature and up north is where I find the divine wave , the colour of fall, the majestic waterfalls, trees that whisper in the wind and the pebble sanded beaches. I can find these things and relax without modern technology or most anything modern. It is very rural and cell phone coverage is spotty. Part of me is going to moan and grown for a day without my wifi or my daily calls to my mother. I might still make my daily calls but it will be on a land-line in a motel of mystery. I still have what we used to have before computers and blogs. It is my trusty journal and notepaper . I really plan on doing some journal and getting in touch with me. Hopefully, I might find one motel that might have wifi. I doubt it though because most of it is so rural. If I do I will update my blog. But probably will when I get back.

Home

I'm back at home again and in a strange way, I'm happy. I was able to get a whole 6 hours of sleep , without interuptions. I haven't slept 6 hours straight in weeks . I was sleeping 3-4 hours straight then waking up and maybe getting a hour afterwards, or just sleeping in the day. I actually was able to stay up for evening programming last night. I'm leveling out and I really think the strict rountine and structure I get from travelling helps it. So does extra meds when I need them. I generally hate meds and what they do to me but will take them when I'm manic. They are a god send as I hate being a bouncy complusive mess that mania reduces me to. It isn't real fun for me and I feel like I'm coming out of my skin most of the time. I also noticed even though I spent a lot of money on things that I actually needed it made me sick to spend that money. It was a healthy sign and I'm out of spending mode even if I think I need it. I'm thinking about really getting back to budgeting lately and saving up money.

Christmas , is coming up and I have most of my shopping done and I'm happy that I'm not stressing at the last minute over it. I also set limits this year and hope I wont go over them like I have in the past. The less stress I make myself the less I get triggered from my mood that seems to fuel it. I was happy that I was able to find some normalcy traveling as odd as it seems puts me in a more structured frame of mind. I feel like I have a fresh slate to start on at home and to get some of that structure and rountine back here if I can. Travelling also stressed to me that I need to get out more no matter what. The sunny weather is really helping me a lot. The days are chalked with sun for the past week . What a little sun and sleep will do to a mood. I actually look forward to cooking today also. I actually don't want to isolate any longer and get out and do some grocery shopping to pick up the basics also. I want to really work on getting some more strict structure and rountine balanced with some fun. I was really reminded how much boredom fuels my negative attitude and restless nature.
Now it is time to get busy and try to live life to it's fullest and back to list making to priotize what I need to get done and some brainstorming about what to do around this small town to keep me occupied so I don't become such a malcontent and grump.