Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Waiting for the phone

I wait patiently for the dreaded phone call from the chaplain at the hospital to inform me that my father is dead. It has got to that now. They have resustated him to times yesterday and finally put in a ventilator. The hospital asked for his next of kin which is me. I'm not there so they will call if they need anything. My mother isn't legally married to my father and unlike Canada they have no laws for common law marriage. My parents divorced when I was four and my mother remarried had another family got divorced then several years later started up a relationship with my father for the next 20 plus years. I hate explaining my family as it is weird but normal to me. Legally, though she is screwed and that is why I'm his next of kin because I'm his only child. So, I have the nice task of releasing his body to the funeral home and making funeral plans over a thousand miles away on a phone.
I sleep with the phone as I have been warned that I probaly will get that dreaded call. I have both my homephone and cell charged for that dreaded call. I'm not flying back as it probaly wouldn't do any good. I wouldn't make it in time either. I have no one to pick me up at the airport either. That was my fathers job to do that with family. Nothing like the five hour drive to the airport and back. Everything is complicated with my grandmother dying and someone always has to be with her as she is on the final stages of dying. Anyway, my father has always informed everyone if he shall die he will have no funeral and will be cremated. He in no way wants anyone to come, period... I will respect his wishes. Even though he has never considered other peoples wishes. He is an odd fellow. Before, he really took a turn for the worst, I called to talk to him at the hospital to see how he was doing. He couldn't be bothered to talk to me. I just thought it was being him. I said it sounds like you don't want to talk. He said NO and I said I love you and he said it back. That was the last time I spoke to my father. The reason at the time he was worried about my phone bill. Did I give a fuck about my phone bill? Hell, No. Will, I probaly ever talk to my father again and the answer is probaly not. Will we ever talk about the fluff we talked about probaly not. It isn't like we ever spoke about anything serious as he never went there. But I will miss our talk about our animals or his weird rants. He was bipolar also.

I'have to just go on today with my regular life to find any sanity. I have to get out of this house today as it is starting to choke the air out of me. I have to get the sun on my skin and the fresh air in my lungs. I have to get something decent to eat today. I need to feel something except this numbness and horrible surreal feeling.

Monday, May 30, 2011

The straw that broke the camels back

A quick post. I got a phone call two days ago to say my father was being rushed to the hospital. He had a heart-attack again . Well, now it is two days later and he is in renal failure(kidney failure) and heart failure. He has septis (blood poisoining) also . It looks very grim for him. I'm not postive as who would be when the facts are not good. Some of my family is religious and hang on to prayer and false postivity. I don't. All the prayer in the world wont fix the man. Science has more of a chance to fix him if his body doesn't all fail. My family is behaving at it's worse and I'm also. I just can't handle anymore anything. I snapped the other night and I'm not proud of it. Sometimes, a person can only deal with so much. I rather isolate from my toxic family and that is how I'm dealing with my own crap as I don't need there shit. I will post later but have bad cramps and my head feels as foggy as hell. It doesn't help that I had one hell of a hang-over the other day.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I absolutely hate PMS

I absolutely hate PMS. I become another person mentally once a week once a month. Never fails me and works like clockwork. I become more mental than ever. I even pretty much can predict my not so regular periods by my mood and outlook on life.It really is amazing what PMS can do to a person. My head is mush. I can hardly string sentences together lately much less remember how to spell. It is very frustrating. I have so many ideas spinning in my head during this time of month. This time of month I try not to even go into public. I'm impatient, irritable etc. I can't deal with the public very much as I think at this time the general public can go get bent. They bother me. Especially in the area where I live. After an outing my blood is boiling. I can go from helping an old man get an item off the shelf to wanting to rip someones Else's head off for congesting an isle.

I become neurotic,paranoid,insecure, and sometimes psychotic. I have tried to address PMS in so many different ways over the past. Short of getting it all yanked out. I have tried ever method under the sun. I just accept that part of my life that I might be a lunatic for a week whether it might be mild or severe. Amazing enough I do remember one time my mood was so stable and that was when I was pregnant and also breastfeeding years and years ago. No period and I was a half way normal person. I 'was very lucky the whole time I breastfeed I didn't have the dreaded curse of my period or moods for the most part. I even had Endometriosis real bad in my late twenties. I was prescribed lupron shots that was suppose to make me stop ovulating which then in turn would decrease hormones and cyst etc and allow swelling go down. The shot induces temporary menopause. I was one of the few on the shot that actually still had a period. I'm special like that (lol) If a medication has a rare side-effect or my body isn't suppose to accordingly act like it says on a medication I'm that blessed one percent or ten percent of people that experience's the not so pleasant side effects. My body doesn't like being poisoned by medication of very harsh substances. That didn't even fix PMS. It did though shrink my ovaries like it was suppose to. It also manage to give me horrible menapause symptoms and a period every month. Remember , I'm special like that (lol) I regress and loose my train of thought.

Back to PMS and period. This month is tolerable. My head is spinning like a record though. Insomnia is not my friend and would love more sleep. I would also love not to ramble. I don't like having to isolate myself either whether it is by choice or part of me being agoraphobic (insert label any neurotic label here) . I hate this time of month. I can get the bag of labels out and probably label many psychiatric conditions this time of month. I generally don't though because most things go away or come down to an acceptable level. Until probably next week I will hide out or have minimal contact with the outside world and try to keep my mouth shut.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

The mouse that scared the elephant

Yesterday, I did a follow up at a nursing outpost. I was surpised by how nice the staff was and how great my nurse is going to be. I actually have more faith in her because of how detail oriented she is and also her personality. She took my info and took my blood pressure. It was high but lower than it has been in awhile. I should say stable high. That has been good enough for the last doctor I went to. it wasn't good enough for her. She also gave me a little talk about my smoking. Generally, I don't listen to that part of my health. I listened this time. She was an ex-smoker that still struggled. She was realistic about it and gave some good advise. She was also not fit or skinny and gave realistic advise about exericse and eating . My problem with the both of those things is either I exercise and eat good for awhile but stop when my mood is not into it. For me it is going to have to be more of a rountine I stick to and not when it suites my mood.

She wanted me yesterday to wear a 24 hour blood pressure monitoring holter machine . To get a true sense of my blood pressure. It was fine until it just malfunctioned. I will have to go back and have it fixed or reprogrammed. It isn't the most comfortable thing to be hooked to for 24 hours. For the several hours I had it on yesterday before I realized it wasn't working I was more aware of the spikes in my blood pressure. The machine has a button to push when your having an event. Me and J was joking I stress out all the time everything is an event. After, the machine will collect the data, I will go back in a week. If it is on the high side I will be scheduled to see the doctor that makes visits to get prescribed another blood pressure pill as the nurse has her doubts about how well my blood pressure medication is working. I dread it as I hate switching any meds and getting used to the side-effects. It has took this last month to get used to the ones I'm on and not be extremely exhausted. It is helping me think about lifestyle changes even more as it is cheaper in the long run and I hate taking any meds. For the most part I have changed my eating over the past couple of years. It will be more exercise, stop smoking and managing my anger and stress. After, writing that I think pills are easier (lol)

Finally, a scary story for me but funny story. Last night I was in bed trying to go to sleep. The cat was laying on my side. I felt her back claws rip into me jumping off of me. The next thing I hear was little squeaks. The next thing I know is I'm laying on top of J screaming turn of the light. Well J was smashed under my big body. I couldn't bring myself to get off and when I did move I ended up laying on J's legs. Finally after awhile I moved. The cat was killing her prey a little to slow for me. As she would get a grip she would let go and do it again and again making the rodent scream. I was screaming at J to get whatever she killed away from her. The cat dropped it on her scratching post and didn't want J to take it away. J said it was a vole and threw it outside somewhere. I have a phobia of anything rodent. It will send me into a panic. I get a paralying fear if I see or hear one. I also scream like a little girl when I see one. I don't know why they scare me so bad. It isn't like they will hurt me. It is very silly actually and I know it. I feel embrassed about having such a horrible phobia of rodents. It took me forever to get used to my daughters pet rat. It took me basically several years to look at it or touch it. It was very nice also. I wouldn't go into her room with that rodent in there. It took basically the last year of its life to deal with it. I'm still not wild about the idea of any pet rodent. Out of sight out of mind Im ok. I really can't tolerate the wild variety of any rodent. I think they are nasty and filthy carrying germs. I have nothing against rodents but stay out of my house. I bet it is a sight to see someone as tall and as big as me climbing the walls when I see one or couches ,beds etc screaming. I know I look silly. I didn't sleep well at all last night thinking their could be another one somewhere.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I have been in my own little world since the tornadoes have hit in Joplin, MO. Joplin was home for me for many years(14 plus) and I still have friends and ex in-laws that live there. My parents live about 80 miles from Joplin. The storms and still affecting Southwestern Missouri commonly called the Ozarks.
I have been in shock and disbelief as Joplin is a place full of memories good and bad. My old house was wiped off the map and so was so many other people that I knows property totally destroyed. I even had a friend injured. He had a collapsed lung. He is doing better. He was trying to protect his girlfriend and son from debris.

It all happened when I turned on the weather to check it Sunday. I was wondering when I could mow. It has been unseasonable rainy in Ontario. It has been like monsoon season. Anyway, it said Joplin was hit by a tornadoes. My first thought was panic as I knew my daughter was in that area visiting her father. I called my mother and told her about the tornado and if K my daughter was at home and OK. She just got back from that area before all hell broke lose. I was satisfied but after checking one of my facebook accounts got even more worried. I called my daughter and told her about how horrible it was there from reports of my friends. She thought I was just being overly nuts and concerned. I told her she better call her grandma and aunt to see if they where OK. It took her awhile but they where OK. So was her father. The next day she didn't think I was over reacting and being crazy. The news of all the destruction to the media got out slowly but then quickly. The media focuses on key points of the hospital walmart and home depot. The thing is that is just a tip of an iceberg about all the homes and businesses in that area that hit. The area it hit was heavily concentrated with homes and businesses. The area it hit by the hospital was known as the medical mile. Housing many doctors offices etc. The hospital is also houses a lot of psych patients also. It has a major psych ward. If you look at blown out pictures of the hospital look at the top floors where it was hit and you can see vaguely where it was with the windows having heavy metal screens on some of those windows. I have been scooped up in a net and put there many of times. I knew the psych ward well in that town.

My mind is a little fried from all this and trying to help friends find the resources they need. The area doesn't have anything but texting and facebook. They just can't google something on the computer. Most have limited Internet access. They rely on facebook posting and emergency radio. I have been trying to find important info for them. Also, waiting and wondering if some are alive. I have found most of them but not my old neighbours. My days are endless sitting and listening to the horrible destruction on emergency radio feeds, police feeds and facebook. I have been trying to stop fixating on this whole thing as it is no good for my mental health. It also brought back some PTSD from losing my house to a fire years ago in Joplin. I really thought I was over it and got better. It just brings back those feelings of totally despair, shock, grief, numbness and a whole range of other things. It also makes me sick to see the media capitalize on the victims. I don't know how you would feel being interviewed after you lose everything but it is very evasive and not very sensitive at all. That is an understatement. It really isn't very consensual at all because no one really is in there right mind after such a major loss. The poor people of Joplin look so shell shocked. I can see reporting the devastation but for heaven sakes let the tragedy of human and property loss sink in before trying to stick a microphone in there faces. You know in a week or so the news outlets will move on and find the next area of destruction or tragedy doing the same thing. If anything they know how to make a buck and have huge ratings off of human tragedy. Off of my soapbox.

I'm going to try to just have a normal day today. I have a medical apportionment today. I'm going to an outpost nursing station today. Mainly, to get follow up and my blood pressure meds filled.

Thursday, May 19, 2011


I have been basically been living on the couch for about the last four or five days in a hazy painful fog. I managed to develop dry socket. It finally donned on me today to use some oral jel pm which is like paste in my tooth socket. It was wonderful and most of the pain went all away. I was thinking about going back to the denist to get my socket packed but the thought of seating in his office for along time as he is so packed and backlogged didn't appeal to me. It has felt like I have had a nasty flu on top of it. I think the nasty flu feeling came from breaking down and using the pain pills. I thought i was taking darvocet and looked at the bottle after a few days and it wasn't darvocet but oxycodone. It totally wiped me out and made me very sick to my stomach and very itchy. Made my head feel funny also like it was numb. It is very efficent with pain though so I broke down and put up with all the side-effects. I'm glad I ran out of it though. It made me so constipated that I ended up having to take some laxative. Oh the joys of naroctics.

Since, I google everything , I googled dry socket. I had it years ago getting my wisdom teeth took out. It basically is a condition that is a matter of time to heal and not much can be done except packing the socket which takes away the pain. The tissue from what I understand generates in seven days. My head and jaw has felt like it could fall off or explode. It has very much limited what I could tolerate to eat and keep down. Between the pain pills and the dry socket I lost 5lbs in a week. I was convinced if I could get a solid meal down me I would feel so much better. I was right. Sometimes, illness and pain causes other problems and it ends up a train wreck. Or for me on the couch for days to sick and in pain to do anything. I'm not to upset to lose weight as I needed to lose it. I have actually for some reason started losing weight about for the last two months. I just don't care for food as much. Just some cutting sweets out and a few other things here and there has been a drop of about 15lbs. I have been cutting salt out for the past month and it seems to have helped also. Maybe , not retaining the water that I was retaining. I think that really has to do with the blood pressure meds I have been on also has helped. My feet used to be swollen a lot and are never swollen anymore.

Anyways, I hate pain and being sick. I was such on track before this and I feel so disorganized, at a lost to where to pick back up again. The house looks like a bomb has went off and I just shake my head. It is amazing how thinks can snowball in a week to being a disaster zone. It is very overwhelming. Everything goes to hell around here real bad when I'm not well. Some anger creeps in about how everything goes to hell with J. J is so little help when I'm sick or in pain. Nothing stays remotely picked up or anything. I'm lucky if I get fed when I'm sick. Or it is on J's time. I'm told after I finish this 2nd smoke or whatever. I'm not into waiting a half an hour for something when I want it. It was very patheic the lack of everything that wasn't done this past week and I'm pretty mad about it. I actually started to get extremely cranky about it a couple of days ago. I rarely ask J to take care of anything and when I do I'm totally let down. It does me no good to discuss it with J at the moment either. J is a total mental wreck. I can be a total mental wreck and suck it up and do what needs to be done when someone needs me but J can't it just overwhelms J more to have demands made. J thinks that J is doing more around the house. Yeah, J is but it just really is not enough. Compared to what J used to do for the last four years which was basically nothing , it is an improvement. It is so frustrating for me though. I have been learning the art of letting go . I feel defeated with any standard of anything around this house or life and it reinforces the reason why I don't rely on anyone. It is very sad at times. I have told myself it will get better and for four years it just is starting to improve a little. I got to a point a longtime ago that if it improves it will be nice but if it doesn't I didn't care anyways. It is easy to think that way when you don't have to rely on someone to do anything. I have had to rely on J much more since I have had a heart attack. I'm so looking forward to going to the doctor next week to start getting back to the physical level and doing things on my own like I was before. This month has sucked in many ways but has opened my eyes also. My at peace feeling is leaving me and I need to figure out how to get back to it. Probaly because I haven't took care of myself in the past week and have been to cranky and in pain to be bothered.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Free Flow

I started some of my dental extractions yesterday. I'm a little sore and tender. I think the freezing agent they used jacked up my mood a bit. Slept like crap and hardle at all last night. It wasn't all bad as I sat up in silence and just thought a lot. I don't know how silent it was as I could hear all the wildlife outside which was nice. I was in a peaceful frame of mind as the spring peepers didn't drive me nuts with the peeping. Spring peepers are small frogs. They are loud and sound exactly like the name. PEEP, PEEP over and over again. Usually, a ton of them also. In certain moods they keep me awake. I didn't even get nervous with something prowling the backyard bumping into things. I never know if it is a racoon or a blackbear. Usually, the thought of a bear in the spring puts the anxiety in me. I just enjoyed the cool breeze and my thoughts. It has been awhile where I have been up most of the night just thinking and mauling over parts of my life. Not even regretting them or fretting. I didn't write anything down but just let my mind just menader where it wanted to go. I didn't need to remember what I thought just the feelings associated with it and the insights that I recieved getting to the point. My brain can be all over the place even in the best of times. I even confuse myself getting to the points of actual concerete ideas. It isn't really all that important how I arrive at the concerete anymore. I used to anazyle to much in the past. My thinking is pretty ADD. It always has been even when I'm so called "normal". I think myself into a big black hole when I try to be conventional and go by other peoples rules or try to use self help books . I can't remember where I seen this but I once seen something from someone that goes like this. I don't need to be fixed because I'm not broken. I just need to change how I react to things. Which is true for me. I have managed to get through life and survive and overcome many , many things. I don't think that a broken person could survive many things I have experianced. Each sad horrible thing that has happened in my life has taught me how to react and that has been good and bad. I could go on and on about my life of war stories but I don't. The past isn't imporant to me much anymore. Most of the time I have just accepted it and even forgave people. I never forgot though. I learned a lot of lessons on trust, boundaries and most of all acceptance, as it has gave me a more of a free mind.
I don't know where I'm going with this except a free flowing rambling of my mind. I feel introspective and calm. I even stopped taking my darvocet as it was making me feel dizzy and itchy. I just took a few of them yesterday. I rather live with the pain as most pain meds make me sick. It was nice though to take the edge of though. It also makes me dig very deep in myself to be annoyed with nagging dull pain . Pain also makes my thoughts all over the place. Yesterday, I had a migraine, shoulder pain and mouth pain. Today, I have a dull pain in different various places. I'm taking nothing. Sometimes, I just accept I feel like crap and can't do much. My body is saying to relax. I can live with dull pain even if it wears me out. It is much better than agonizing pain which I can't take for any lengths of time. My wandering mind helps with all the distractions in this time and actually helps me deal with not focusing on anything. Sometimes, I need to go to my happy place. My happy place is basically just shutting down into a void of all thought. I don't know exactly what it is or how I achieve it. It is a nice place to escape though in times of physical pain.
Going to go lay down for awhile and achieve nothing today. I'm fine with it though.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I can't come up with a witty title

I can't believe it has been a week since I have wrote. I don't even know where to start with an update. I have been very busy in my own way. I was suppose to go bottle wine today but felt crappy (psychially). I have had some bouts of angina the past two days. Nothing serious though just need to slow down and stop over doing it and my never ending quest to handle my stress and anger. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm not a type a personality. Some times I can be pretty Type A. I'm not ambitious or competive anymore. The things I can be at times are very impatient ,time-conscious, and preoccupied. My preceptions depending on mood can colour my outlook and are part of my bipolar. I can be high strung then be so easy going also. No matter what mood I'm time-conscious when it comes to appoinments and anything I have to show up for. I'm not so picky about my personal time with things like goals or work I do for myself. My time for my personal things has turned up side down since my heart attack. I feel so disorganized with my life and know it will even out in time. My life recently has been so chaotic with appoinments, errands, personal problems.

I have been going through an on going ordeal with my old dog. The vet suspects liver disease. He went in again yesterday for a bile test for his liver. Last week he went in after I collect a urine specimen in the morning and then took him for blood work. He has been to the vet twice after fasting for 12-14 hours for blood work. We haven't been billed yet but I suspect it is going to be high. After, this last blood test I decided to do no more testing and he can live till he gets to the point he has no quality of life. I'm willing to change his diet if need be and put him on medication. I will know later this week when his bile concentration test come back from the lab. I just can't take another dogs death this summer.

My Grandma is in her last stages of dying. She is 94 so it isn't a big shock and has been declining rapidly for some time. I still love the woman though and it isn't nice to waste away dying and the whole nasty process she is going through. I really feel for my mother and my Grandma is dying at her house. My mother has been her caretaker for many years. I finally ask for some pictures of her as she is right now. Part of me didn't want to see as she was a robust woman 3 years ago when I last saw her. I needed to see as it helps me help my mother through the grief process to see exactly what she is going through. Death is so santized when it is out of sight out of mind for a family. It also is one thing to study death and dying and write papers on it ( I used to) and live the process. One side of my family is almost died. I have lost 6 relatives in a relative short time. I think what hurt me the most was when our two dogs died very close to each other last year. It was literally the straw that broke the camels back with all the death that has been going on in my life. It finally allowed me to grief the other deaths in my life. Which has been for the past year. I'm much better about the grief and have went through the proper stages after even been stuck. I know for me at times I still grieve even though it isn't as fresh. Time has helped over the last several years meaning it isn't as raw. I'm not a big person on showing other people my feelings and I hate crying. Many people don't see that side of me and won't. It really is only for me and sometimes J. That is just how I'm and it isn't going to change. I have been very strong for my mother during many of these deaths and my grandma dying but as soon as I have been either out of sight or off the phone , I fall apart. It isn't a time for me getting overly stressed or emotional as it doesn't help with my angina.

I have been gradually getting back to some of my spirituality. It has been slow but it is a way I have handled stress and emotional times. I tend to lean towards buddhism philosophy even though I have been terrible with the off and on again practice. I have been meditating again and even using my mala. For those who don't know what a mala is basically it is prayer beads or meditation beads. I think off hand my mala has 108 beads. It helps me concentrate or sometimes pray in my own way. Not like western religion though. One thing my mala does for me is gives me a sense of safety and peace. It really helps me with my anxiety. It has such a nice vibe when I hold it and very comforting. I have also recently been using visual imagery in my head to help me relax and be. It is nice to escape in postive mental imagery and a person can do it regardless if they have any faith in anything or not. I basically respect anyones religion if they are not beligerent and radical about it. I tend not to be very judgemental when people are not violating my rights. I don't like many things in life but that is what true tolerance is about. What I can't stand is other people violating other peoples rights. No matter whether I would do it or not. Enough rambling.

Oh, dental update if you read this far. I'm so glad I left that other denist. I start my dental saga tomorrow with the one I went to a couple of years ago. It is going to cost so much less plus I trust him. All, the work is going to cost 1,800 and that includeds the partial, extractions, and to restore my bottoms. My bottom teeth are pretty perfect except a broken tooth and a cavity in another. I will still have a few teeth in my upper mouth to be able to hold the upper plate. I'm happy with the price and trust his judgement with what he is taking out and leaving. I don't feel like a endless money pit either. My visit with him last week cost me 25 dollars for a dental plan. I couldn't of been happier.

I will wrap up this saga.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Snap Crackle Pop

Yesterday, I went to a dental appoinment to meet the denturist that works with the denist. Oh it was a nightmare. I had to meet with the denturist because I needed a upper teeth as I elected to not spend wads of money trying to restore them but keep the bottoms as they need work but not much.
The guy walks in "I guess you haven't took care of your teeth" chuckle. I wanted to say your an idiot and the array of things and bubble thoughts went through my head. Not a great way to introduce yourself . Plus it is insulting regardless why my teeth are the way they are. Strike one. Open mouth and he checks my teeth and pulls on them and exclaims why are you going to get some dentures. He never looked at the xrays etc. Me: They are bad and I don't have thousands and thousands to rehab them. Him: I don't agree. He rolls eyes at me and says it is your body I can't tell you what to do. etc. I'm the consumer , I'm not a endless bottomless pit for money . Do what I tell don't give me shit. The denist agreed with me about my teeth after looking at xrays and looking at them. (or I thought) Strike two. Oh this really ticked me off this one. It seemed like the denturist was not sure why I was there. Hmm.. I was suppose to be having teeth pulled in like 9 days. He was surpised. I was surpised he didn't know. They are suppose to corrindate that stuff. He walks out the door and has a conversation loud enough with the denist I hear it. It goes something like this: Denturist: Why are you going to pull those teeth? When are you going to? You need to move up the scheduling etc. The dentist a two face snseaky snake says . I told her I could just fill them. (lie) Believe me if I could just have some fillings I would jump on it. I can't remember the rest today. But the denist was a complete two faced liar.

I was hopping mad after I left. The whole experiance with that place was bait and switch. It began with a promise of looking at my teeth for 50 bucks that ended up costing over 250 the first time. That should of alerted me in the first place. I was stupid in the first place. Xrays always cost money. Well, it gets better. I get a quote for about a grand to do some work. I thought hmm. cheap but I have had dental work pretty cheap in this area so I didn't question it much. Then that week-end in the mail I get the true estimate for doing some extractions and some basic fillings and cleaning. This quote was 4 grand that didn't include the partials. They basically wanted 200 hundred to pull a tooth. Plus all kinds of misc. I was going to do it but I hated it and deep down thought something was real wrong with the picture and something stank bad like dishonesty. I could go on and on about this piece of work denist and denturist.

I was upset and discussed it with J later that day after having a frustrating day with some other things also. Did I mention the town I live in is SLOW. I could say some other mean things also about it but I was pissed by the time out of the dentist . So, anything one of the local rubes would do around here would make me mad where I usually suck it up and make some remark but don't let it anymore get me going. The day was just compounding to me exploding or mostly emploding. J said it look like I was going to have a stroke. I guess I was pretty mad. I should of just went home and not tried to get some pizza. Reminder to self never go out to eat in this town when angry or any other kind of emotion because it is lousy and the service is horrible. It just makes my anger worse about how slow people move in this town. I have to be severely depressed to eat out in this town. I don't expect anything in that mood and don't care at all. They can be very slow and very under average with the heated up crap they serve . Most any other time it is an assault on my tastebuds. The insanity with me is me expecting them to change there ways and it will be better after a year or two. Well, it is just insanity. Because it doesn't change. The only thing to eat that is decent in this town is sandwhichs and soup or the mobile grill, chip shack. Pretty much not a seat down dining experiance.

I'm rambling... I got back home and talked to J and after J said what I was thinking. I was thinking the man was a crook and didn't trust either one of those men. I picked up the phone book and looked to see if they had someone else different to do this work. I used to like my other denist in this area as he did some emergency work for me over the years. It didn't advertise he did such work. So, I called and to my ill research he did about anything. Also, found out he charged half to do an extraction. Better yet , I trust this guy as he is kind and doesn't BS and is proffesional. I called back the other place in a nice way and said I just had problems all around with the place. Expressed, my anger and cancelled all my appoinments and said I would be picking up my xrays today. Called back the other place and made an appoinment and fill very happy about a second opinion and will actually trust this denist judgement with what really needs to be done. As, he doesn't see me as a gold mine. I'm willing to spend money but only what is fair and not be gouged and took advantage of. It felt very impowering to change all of this .