Thursday, May 12, 2011

Free Flow

I started some of my dental extractions yesterday. I'm a little sore and tender. I think the freezing agent they used jacked up my mood a bit. Slept like crap and hardle at all last night. It wasn't all bad as I sat up in silence and just thought a lot. I don't know how silent it was as I could hear all the wildlife outside which was nice. I was in a peaceful frame of mind as the spring peepers didn't drive me nuts with the peeping. Spring peepers are small frogs. They are loud and sound exactly like the name. PEEP, PEEP over and over again. Usually, a ton of them also. In certain moods they keep me awake. I didn't even get nervous with something prowling the backyard bumping into things. I never know if it is a racoon or a blackbear. Usually, the thought of a bear in the spring puts the anxiety in me. I just enjoyed the cool breeze and my thoughts. It has been awhile where I have been up most of the night just thinking and mauling over parts of my life. Not even regretting them or fretting. I didn't write anything down but just let my mind just menader where it wanted to go. I didn't need to remember what I thought just the feelings associated with it and the insights that I recieved getting to the point. My brain can be all over the place even in the best of times. I even confuse myself getting to the points of actual concerete ideas. It isn't really all that important how I arrive at the concerete anymore. I used to anazyle to much in the past. My thinking is pretty ADD. It always has been even when I'm so called "normal". I think myself into a big black hole when I try to be conventional and go by other peoples rules or try to use self help books . I can't remember where I seen this but I once seen something from someone that goes like this. I don't need to be fixed because I'm not broken. I just need to change how I react to things. Which is true for me. I have managed to get through life and survive and overcome many , many things. I don't think that a broken person could survive many things I have experianced. Each sad horrible thing that has happened in my life has taught me how to react and that has been good and bad. I could go on and on about my life of war stories but I don't. The past isn't imporant to me much anymore. Most of the time I have just accepted it and even forgave people. I never forgot though. I learned a lot of lessons on trust, boundaries and most of all acceptance, as it has gave me a more of a free mind.
I don't know where I'm going with this except a free flowing rambling of my mind. I feel introspective and calm. I even stopped taking my darvocet as it was making me feel dizzy and itchy. I just took a few of them yesterday. I rather live with the pain as most pain meds make me sick. It was nice though to take the edge of though. It also makes me dig very deep in myself to be annoyed with nagging dull pain . Pain also makes my thoughts all over the place. Yesterday, I had a migraine, shoulder pain and mouth pain. Today, I have a dull pain in different various places. I'm taking nothing. Sometimes, I just accept I feel like crap and can't do much. My body is saying to relax. I can live with dull pain even if it wears me out. It is much better than agonizing pain which I can't take for any lengths of time. My wandering mind helps with all the distractions in this time and actually helps me deal with not focusing on anything. Sometimes, I need to go to my happy place. My happy place is basically just shutting down into a void of all thought. I don't know exactly what it is or how I achieve it. It is a nice place to escape though in times of physical pain.
Going to go lay down for awhile and achieve nothing today. I'm fine with it though.


  1. Sometimes its nice to just talk it through, right :)

  2. My blog isn't coming up in your feed because I'm under a new url (probably that's why). Follow me at the new url. Let me know if it still doesn't work! Thanks for letting me know!