The Smell Of Plastic

I thought I would blog today even though it feels if my brain feels like a marshmellow this morning. I have been going through my morning rountine of coffee, breakfeast etc. I have felt like I have been going through slow motion this morning even though I have got some things done. I have made my shopping list today as there is no way I could remember what to get at the store without one today. Usually, I just make mental list. I even wrote my pen-pal today. It seems like I like to write him on fridays.

I have had to start back on the haldol not long ago. I really hate taking meds and rarely do except when I'm loosing it. I generally do fine without meds. I feel dead on haldol. It isn't such a bad thing when you suffer from psychois from time to time though. I suffer from ol factory halluniations at times. I basically smell things that aren't their. The other day I smelt plastic burning when their was no plastic burning. It through me for a loop as I checked and checked and I just told myself I was insane and took a couple of pills and layed down. I have been fine since. Looking back I could see I was about to come unhinged. I could see every little noise bothered me really bad. I was talking to my mother on the phone and she was chewing something. Not good manners but she was trying to hurry and talk at the same time. It drove me nuts to hear chewing where I usually can ignore it. The other daya I was at a massage and the therapist was chewing gum the whole time and it drove me nuts. I don't really get bothered if I'm not off. Off, is polite for insane. My patient level is not very high either. I was cooking a simple meal of ziti and sauce and about had a melt down. I did though finish it and went to bed. I have been keeping my mouth shut best to my ability with a lot of people in my life. I really don't want to say things that are hurtful that I can't take back.

I feel better today. My head sort of feels empty and foggy but I'm fine. I just wish it would stop raining and snowing. The weather is crazy. I really could use some sun and some motivation that I get from seating outside in the sun. I really don't care how cold it is but I do care if the sun is shining to be able to soak it up. I need the sun for my soul. I have an appoinment to go today. I also hope to get a little shopping done.

Hiding Under A Rock

I feel like I have been living under a rock for the past 2 1/2 weeks. I haven't had much of anything to really say. I have had things to say but I have been very quite. I haven't spoke much to anyone. I think if my foggy brain serves me right , I hardly said one word in a week to even J. Or even when I would barely go out say a word to anyone else and have a blank stare on my face. I read blogs but really didn't have much to say either. Didn't really update my facebook either. It has took me the last 4-5 days to get in a more social mood with anyone or anything. I really have just looked like a stump for two weeks. I haven't had anything to say good or bad.

The weather has been up and down for the past two weeks. Sun and dark grey. This time of the year it is generally sunny and edging towards spring. I get excited about spring. Not this year. Winter hangs on with it's cold hand. Blowing it's cold breath and spreading it's greyness and tantrums of unpredictable bouts of snow, ice and rain.

I wish I could recall of the past two weeks but it was so boring and it is foggy. it seems like it all runs into each other. Basically, it has been just daily life. Life without much emotion or passion. It has been getting about getting by.

I did have a nicer day yesterday. It was very sunny and very cold. I sat outside in the sun. I played with the dogs in the snow also. I broke out my green egg and grilled a steak. Nothing like the taste of hickory. I also took pictures. I haven't snapped a picture in over 4 months. I didn't snap anything special but at least I took some. Everything has looked so bland that it hasn't caught my eye at all in the past couple of months. I usually carry my little camera everywhere. I'm hoping that I will break out my Nikon pretty soon even though it is bulky. Who knows it is my b-day next month and I will get a better little camera. I think J will kill me for asking as my Nikon cost a fortune and I have hardly used it much in the past 2-3 years as I do the little camera. Mostly, because it is bulky and costly where I don't want to damage it.

I just wish my mood would make up it's mind about what mood it wants to be in. I have got many false starts into my usual mood for this time of year. My mood cycle is pretty predictable and this winter has been harder than usual for me mood wise.
It seems either the depression or the mixed just won't snap so easy. I really think it has to do with the SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) with the mood not wanting to move to hypo-mania-mania. It really doesn't matter as each mood has it's baggage for me. I'm just bored and long over due to get out of this one. I wouldn't mind being more productive though. I feel it coming on and hope it will just stick. Actually, I feel more normal than usual and that is a good sign. Even though it is on the lazy side.

Hoping to catch up on more things today and being more communicative.

Blah, Blah

I was going to make writing more of a priority but have been living in my head more than anything lately. I have also been feeling pretty low. I even managed to get food poisoning a couple of days ago going out eating a sample of sushi. My stomach hasn't been the same in the past 3-4 days and is just gradually getting back to normal. It is just my dumb luck to do an intensive shopping and getting things done and get sick.

On a better note someone found our cat. She has been missing for three weeks now and I pretty much gave up on her. She was found yesterday in some one's garage. She was trapped in there for three weeks. The people are seasonal residents. They left a couple of weeks ago and came to blow out the driveway this week-end and found her. She looks like a total wreck. She is just skin and bones. It is truly amazing she survived. She must of ate some mice to survive. It has been so bone chilling cold at times also with temps that deep below 0,Farenhiet. Thank-god she was in a sheltered place because we have had a little over 2 feet of snow . I'm going to take her to the vet also. She is just so thin . She probably has worms also from eating something like rodents. Her ears also have a little frost bite on them and acts like she has ear mites. She is a total wreck. I was going to do it today but we have snow squalls and still need to dig out some. Our plow guy that does our driveway hasn't got to us yet. I hope he does so I don't have to blow that mess out myself.

Getting back the cat made me in a better mood. Before, I got her back I was looking high and low for just a little motivation. To get motivation you pretty much have to be inspired. I haven't had inspiration or motivation in awhile . It makes putting a plan and goals together very hard when you just exist. I'm still working on that plan. Right now it is hard enough to live and my plan at the moment consist of getting more structure together and living. Sometimes, that is all you can do.

Happiness

I have been busy with having some fun lately and feeling good. I haven't felt good in along time. My depression is lifting. I still have some fog of depression but generally, I have been feeling good. I don't know what to make of my happiness as I find happiness elusive and hard to hang on to. I feel if I'm happy, the other shoe is going to drop off. I'm learning to go with it though.
I have been pushing myself to find new ways of being happy. Happy for me has been to be active physically lately. I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing. I especially love snowshoeing. I found I worked hard and had air in my lungs where I never have had cold air before. It felt real good to walk through the snow where most people sink if they try to walk in it. The weather has been so wonderful. It has been sunny and clear for the most part. Yesterday was more breezy and overcast so I was so happy when I didn't waste the wonderful days this past week. I have been gradually getting back to photography also. My pictures that I took weren't the most wonderful but not to bad considering it is very hard for someone that is learning to cross country ski to stand and click at the same time. I'm not very good on the skis. I have away to go. I'm still a little wobbly and cant stride and chew gum at the same time. One of the reasons I didn't fall my first time out was that I didn't want to screw up my cameras that I had strapped to me. My balance has always been not that great and worse on a pair of skinny skis. The thought of busting expensive cameras where enough to keep me up right. I ended up after about a half an hour taking them off and just hiking . I'm looking forward to skiing again next week when it is suppose to be nice again. Part of loving the skiing and snowshoeing is all the solitude and wonderful beauty of the landscape , I get to enjoy. They have a ski place that isn't that far from us but it is always so crowded. We have been going out to this place called Killbear. There is hardly no one there during the week and even when people are there it is so huge that you might not see many if any people at all. Nature at times is my only spirituality and I feel like I'm whole with my environment. I really can't put the feeling in words but it makes me happy and filled with marvel. It is sort of like a Emily Dickson poem where she speaks about the outdoors being her church.
I have neglected the house in the pursuit of my physical activity but I don't feel bad at all for neglecting it. Messes will always be here for me to clean. I will eventually get in the mood for the house but I'm taking the opportunity to do what I please and what I'm in the mood for. It works better that way for me as I find each to be a building step for me to get what I need to get done. By having fun I'm more likely to do what I need to do as I'm happy. I don't know how long my happiness and positively will last . But I will embrace any of it and try to build on the building blocks of being more functional.

Bringing In The New Year

The year turned into another year. I had a uneventful New Year Eve and went to bed probably around 10:30pm. My partner has a birthday on New Years Eve and I did celebrate that. We watched a good movie called The Oldest Living Confederate Widow Tells All.We also had a nice greek pizza. I also bought her some flowers. They are real nice and look like spring. I also got her two shirts. We celebrated in a low key fashion . I had a nice time watching a movie and eating pizza. I was expecting more movies in the mail but the mailbox wasn't plowed out like it was suppose to be and we didn't get any mail. I was very angry with the man that plows our driveway that he hasn't been keeping up with the mailbox area as it prevents us from getting our mail. I stewed about it awhile and just pushed it out of my mind so I wouldn't totally ruin my evening. My partner knows that she will have to deal with him or I will not shut up about it until it gets done. Or worse yet I will deal with it and I will end up having to do it myself as I will scare the man away. I have about had it with these locals. A good or bad job is the same price. I have been meaning to snow blow myself but I'm not going to work in the house and do all the jobs and do it outside also. When she takes over some of the house work , I will work outside and remove snow but until then she can pay someone to do the job she won't do.
New Years was totally a flop. I was so scattered and couldn't get motivated to make a New Years dinner. I was planning on some lamb chops, black-eye peas and squash. I try to have black eye peas every year for good luck. I can't find greens here or even a bag of black eye peas that aren't cooked. I found a can of them though and that will have to do. I was happy to even find a can of black-eye peas. I need to have my family to send me a care package of things I can't find here. Something , I did find which is good is a bags of chips that where called General Tao's , Greek, and Tandoori BBQ flavoured chips. All with resealable zip locks . Three bags of chips cost five dollars. It made the sting out of not getting a bag of black eye peas better. I did though find a bag of red beans. I was so delighted that I can finally make a pot of red beans and rice. I really miss my Cajun and Southern food. I'm thinking I might be able to find greens in Toronto. At this point I wouldn't even mind a can of greens even though they aren't as good. I would be very happy with any Sylvia product at this point.
My mood has been all over the place in the past week. My thoughts have also. It is very hard to blog as I have ideals all over the place and it is hard to keep on track. My mind feels like a pin ball flipping all over the place. I don't often take meds but I did yesterday and probably will the next couple of days to get the scattered thoughts in order. Just a push in the right direction. I have also neglected my diet lately so I'm going to have to make some life style changes also. A balanced life style is so important and mine has been off . I need to do some small changes such as diet , and get a little more active. I think when I get some of my thoughts in order it will be easier to get the life style under control. I feel so paralyzed when it comes to life at the moment . It doesn't help when everything is a fleeting thought. I lose direction and purpose. I think the reason I started getting off track was the meds I took for a sinus infection. It sent me sailing off course. I hate getting sick as it sends me to the clouds. I was finally getting back on track from the depression to be derailed. I'm getting back slowly though again. I found with me a lot of staying on course is just not giving up and always trying no matter how hard it is. I have to remind myself of that all the time not to give up and fight . I'm going to try to trudge today and give a good fight this year.

Hoilday Season

The snow has been very abundant. In the past two weeks we have had between 75-100 cms dumped in a very short time. The weather has been sporadic and wild. I have tried to stay in and not go to town on the bad driving days . I have been very busy on the nicer days to get groceries and do the minimal Christmas thing. Finally, shipped off some final presents and wrapped up Christmas shopping. Except I have to figure out what to get my partner.
I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I could really care less about it but feel guilty for not buying into the whole holiday season spirit. I really hate Christmas music also. I can't wait till they stop playing it on the radio. I rarely listen to the radio anyway so it doesn't effect me much. I listen in the mornings for the weather report and to get a sense of what is going on in town. The town I live near is so small that you really don't get a sense of what is going on except for the local newspaper, which isn't much of a newspaper . It is better than nothing though. The radio station falls into that category also. It just plain sucks. I listen for the weather and what is going on in town. Other than that I listen to satellite radio and my ipod. I can't pick up except one station on the regular radio. The reception is so bad .
I'm excited about all the snow. This is my second time I have spent a winter here. I love the cold and the snow. I'm really a cold weather person and enjoy it more when it settles down and after the solstice when the days get a little longer. I think there is about 7-8 hours of sunlight at the moment. When it is blizzard after blizzard their isn''t much sunlight though. I really enjoy the colder days when it doesn't snow as much. It gets very bright.
I have been basically surving my depression since last month but it is getting more functional. I was so paralyzed up until the last week and a half. The sublingual b-12 has been helping. I also been taking a b-complex which also seems to be helping. I thought once it started to accumulate snow I would feel better and I was right. Everything looks so dead until it snows. It is so grey and depressing during the transition of winter. The snow makes everything so vibrant. I also have been eating more balanced meals, which I think is very important. I can really feel it when I eat like crap. I still don't feel like cooking very much but it is getting a little easier. I eat dinner at lunch because it is easier to make and I have more energy during that period of day. I eat lunch at dinner time because I have no energy in the evenings. It works for me. I have blew through my depression food reserves of things I froze when I don't feel like cooking. When I feel a little better I will get busy stocking up again. I have also started using heavy paper plates which I don't like. I have an objection with using disposable things. It is a waste and not good for the landfills. I'm just trying to survive at the moment and dirty dishes just don't get done if I have a ton of them. I will go back to my more conservative ways after I'm done with this mood. I do cringe at the short cuts I'm taking with easy things to cut corners with cooking and general everyday life. It isn't cost effective but it does the trick when your barely making it. I have let everything pile up again and I'm slowly digging out of the mess. The house is a mess , everything has tended to be put off and I'm trudging my way through it gradually. Generally, I can make myself do things depressed. I haven't been able this time up until lately. I have managed to seat in the same place for weeks in the corner of the couch watching endless non-sense on the tv. I knew I felt a little better the other day grabbing a newspaper from the stand. I actually read it and thought oh finally something worth filling my head with instead of crap. My moods make my taste different. Generally, I wouldn't be caught died watching all the reality tv, I have been watching. It doesn't require thinking and for that when I'm in a paralyzing depression it is good. I have began to think again a little. Now to get up the energy to do the things I love in the winter. Gradually, I will get there.

I have alot planned for this week also. I have alot of catching up to do . Truck serviced, hair cut, finalize my Xmas shopping with my last presents. Also , get the stuff to make a small Xmas dinner. I'm thinking more snack food instead of the all the traditional fare. I have been snacking on different candy though and need to stop as I don't want to gain weight. I also picked up the dogs some gravy coated bones for the Holiday season. It seems they sell a bunch of junk for humans and pets this time of year. Unlike my furry friends which I can control how much I give t hem, I can't control most of the time the amount of junk I eat. I will purge the house of all junk after the first of the year. I can't get into the Christmas spirit but I can get into the spirit of junk food like candy, cookies and appetizers.
I have to get to starting the day. Hopefully , I will start updating this blog more often.

Winter is Has Began

I haven't written in awhile. I have been very depressed. My depression has been as dark as the days of winter. I haven't had much to say and really haven't done much except watch tons of tv. Which is not like me. Since the weather has changed into snow, I have felt better. The other day the snow began . It was a glorious 15cm (5.9 inches) Over night we where suppose to get any where between 15-25cm inches. It is starting to feel like winter. I really love the cold most of the time even though it isn't all that cold at the moment. It is around 30F most of the time during the day so far. I have started to start trudging through my depression a little at a time and trying to get in the spirit of Christmas. I wish this month would go by quickly. Maybe, at the last minute I will get into the Holiday spirit. I just feel it is a added burden that I just don't need in the scheme of life. Life at the moment is hard enough to get motivated with at the moment. I do look forward to this winter though. I have a lot of plans for it. Last winter was my first in Ontario and I loved it. I never knew I liked snow that much and the cold. I'm still learning how to walk on it without falling. I thought I mastered it last year and forgot. I also forgot how the sky can be so dark when snow is pouring out of the sky. I'm hoping to get some photography done this coming week. Everything has been a chore , even the fun things. I'm starting to gradually breathe life again. I'm still depressed but not as severe. The best thing though is I'm sleeping like a normal person again. I actually sleep 8-9 hours straight through a night . I no longer wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I'm gradually crawling out of my hole since the snow has started. I have also forgot how much I hate all the winter clothes though. All the layers,heavy jacket, heavy snow boots. I just hate shoes period. I'm not fond of much clothes either. I like my skin to breath. With it not being very cold I find myself with all different kinds of jackets. I never knew why my partner had so many jackets now I know why. This area has so many different temps. All varieties of cold. I would burn up in a down jacket right now. Next month I will probably need it. I also have three different boots I use in the winter. I have waterproof hiking boots when there isn't much snow. I have snowmobile boots, when it is dumping tons of snow and cold. I also have what I call town boots when everything is settled and I don't do anything else except shopping. It looks like we will be blowing out the driveway now. I can't believe how snow can accumulate so fast. I guess until Georgian bay freezes over there will be tons of snow. I hope it makes up time with dumping snow because last year at this time we had 100cm of snow already. I'm really looking forward to skiing this winter and winter photography. This year I'm getting some snow shoes so I can get out in the bush and take better pictures. Oh winter calls me this morning to get busy since I have been sitting on my butt for the last three weeks.

Life

Life is OK. My partner got out of detox Monday. She is still weak physically but doing well. I see a vast improvement with her. She still has along ways to go physically but is getting there. I was actually happy to have her back home and take it a day at a time also with her problem. My mood is still mixed and I have been trying to be up beat. My sleep is still irregular but at least I'm sleeping. I know sometime, it will go back to normal. I just need a jolt or something to get it back to normal hours that people sleep.
I'm going to have to start getting ready also for our trip next week and I have had not much energy except to do stuff that I have to do around the house. I look forward to the trip actually to get out and visit in-laws and get a little shopping done. I want to buy some cross country ski's this year and possibly some snow shoes. Last year I bought some ice skates which I need to use more. I'm a terrible skater. I actually look forward to the snow as that is when a second wave of life starts around here. It is also nice and bright in the winter and not ugly and as dull as it is now.