Monday, October 22, 2012


Here is a little background so you can understand this post.I went to storage yesterday to deal with my storage of all my stuff from the states. I had it all shipped in 2009. I have picked at it a little here and there but never have dealt with it. For me to deal with it means the lost of my own home and my things. I left all my furniture in the states as we already had furniture. J house is full. To full for my things so I will just keep what matters to me and get rid of the rest.

I have been with J for 10 years and married 8. We had two homes one in the states which was mine . Hers in Canada. We went back and forth for years. Until 2009. I moved completely. It cost to much money to keep two homes every few months.

Anyway, it makes me sad to get rid of the majority of my stuff and also resentful because J hasn't gotten rid of hardly nothing that matters except the junk I delcuttered this year. That needed to go. It has brought up feelings how J hasn't had to give up much with my move and how it really has benefited J more than anyone.

I still after all these years really haven't made friends or have made much of a life for myself. I still miss the states at times but have settled OK in my isolation. It doesn't much help that I don't much care for the people in this town and wished I was in a bigger city but that isn't going to happen. I also have a hell of a time making friends.

I did decide this year I would get out and ski more which is more social.

Sunday, October 21, 2012


I broke down yesterday and did some extensive housework. Strike just hurts me just like others have commented. I did though get J to put together the spin bike. I had all the parts put out. I was also in one of those don't screw with me moods. I'm going to give the treadmill a week to be put together now. Exercise is hard in the winter with several feet of snow on the ground and I really need to be ready for winter.

I bought cross country skies several years back but haven't used them for the past two winters. My goal is to use them this year and take lessons to improve. I need to get out more and when I did ski I had a good winter. I have to stay active or I just fall into a big giant hole.

I have to set goals that are fun or I just don't do anything. I set this goal to get my house in tip top shape for the Grey Cup which is Canadian Football thing like the Super Bowl. The thing is I don't even like football but I like game food and a good party. I used to find an obscure holiday or anything to celebrate and decorate for and it seemed to keep me more mentally alert.

I have been in some sort of funk for the past two years and I have noticed that I just survive and I really want to do more than that. I like to have fun and do things. I really would like to stay active this winter and to enjoy it with all the neat outdoor activies. Just even planning for winter gets me excited. I'm going to go over to storage today and pick up some things for winter and my grey cup thing. We have a planned power outage so going shopping over at storage is great and kills time. It feels like shopping at a rummage shop and discovering all sorts of things I haven't seen in a couple of years.

Saturday, October 20, 2012


Not long ago we went to see the elderly in-laws. Like always they are ailing and say they are fine and for us to butt out of it. It was a four day visit. We had a late Canadian thanksgiving with them.
That was nice because J's brother came and his wife.

That visit racks my nerves and it is hard for me to get back to normal after that trip. It also is very costly and makes for a short month where I had to borrow money from my mother to get to the end of the month.

My stress level has been climbing and so is my depression. I forgot my lamp so I was 4 days without it. Climbing back to my depression. I have been home for going on a week now and have been using it and it is again kicking me out of my depression and getting me back to living again.

The house looked like a bomb went off and I have been tackling that. Part of that was because I went on strike. To find out it didn't matter whether I went on strike it was all there for me to clean by myself. I can't go on strike any more because it just hurts me.

I have been wanting some projects around the house done for awhile and they never got done so after the exercise bike and treadmill has set there for a year . I'm going to try to tackle it myself . I got all the parts lined up this morning for the bike. Hopefully it will be done by tomorrow. I hate putting things together as I haven't done it very often but enough is enough and I need these machines since it is like monsoon season here with it raining most days for the past two months.

I'm feeling a little better but to feel much better I need to get the house in order how I want it because I can't live in chaos. Little things like J putting 4 tackle boxes in the living room just disturb me and when I ask for them to be picked up it is always an excuse . I just picked them up the other day.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Fall Leaves

Went and looked at the fall colours about a week or so ago while the leaves where still in peak. They have all but about blown away. This is just up the road from where we live. It was a rainy gloomy day but I had a lot of fun taking pictures and finding a little hole in the wall place to get a sandwich.

Monday, October 8, 2012

SAD Season

This has been a weird month of mostly being depressed for me. This years Seasonal Depression came early as so did the horrible rain and grey has been non-stop for almost the whole month sense I have wrote.

I did manage a vacation this year about this time last month for a week. I would love to say I wasn't depressed but I was. I really made the best of it and it went OK. We went up north for a week and instead of camping we stayed in a cabin. No phones, TV, or computer. I managed to sneak my satellite radio that half ass got reception. I was so delighted to listen to the CBC almost everyday. Or NPR which is a lot like the CBC in content. I was glad we stayed in a cabin because it was very cool and about rained the whole time. The little cabin only had a wood stove for heat. This is the view out the window. I also managed a few hikes even though my foot is buggered up. I seem to mess up my foot jogging and doing that yoga I was doing. The tendons and ligaments are pretty pooched. It hurt like hell to hike but it was so wonderful to be outside after I have planned this vacation for months and payed a small fortune for it. The thought of not hiking was more depressing than the pain. Here are some pictures from a little walk I had. I guess the pics aren't going in order and I'm to half awake to figure it out right now. But the rough rock shots. I managed to hobble from rock to rock to get out and take some pictures.

I had to really make myself be there for my vacation. I managed and fell into a big black hole when I got home. But one thing the vacation did teach me is I really don't try to fight my moods as I should. I fought hard to have a decent time and I did have a decent time even depressed. As soon as I got home I have got out the SAD light. I would like to say it has cured me but it hasn't. It just has made my depression not as black and I can actually get some things done around the house. It gives me the push to work through it. I'm still using it but have to watch out because like any anti-depressant it can push me into a mixed state or mania.

Ironically, J is pushing mania. It is hard being in two different spectrum's.  J has managed sobriety and getting a life back. I washed my hands of J and when I did J seemed to pull it together. I have my own mood to tend to and even took the attitude if nothing got done in the  house who cares . A week of frozen dinners and me doing nothing made J help out just a little more which in turn helped me get out of my funk just a little. I came to the conclusion I just cant prop both of us up anymore as it is exhausting to me. Sometimes, taking care of myself nothing gets done.

I have been trying to get out more and making myself. I just know if I don't fight real hard I will be in such a horrible place this winter. I just really can't allow myself to go there. I have managed some winters without falling apart but have in the past couple of years fall to hell.