Sunday, July 24, 2011

The Heat

It is such a lovely morning today. It is actually cool enough to blog this morning. It has been very hot here for the last week. I'm enjoying the cool this morning before it heats up again. My last week has been all about keeping cool. I even broke down and bought a portable a/c also but have yet installed it also. I'm thinking I have more to do before I install it either today or tomorrow. The room that it will go in looks so junked up that it could be featured on hoarders. Not really as it will take me a couple of hours to clean but still it is horrible with all sorts of clothes mess and etc. It has been way to hot to clear it out or work at all.

I have been keeping cool swimming almost everyday. It has been actually cooler outside than it has been inside. With the humidex it has got over 100f most of the last week. We have been drinking loads of g2 and water. I have been grilling all meals outside. I was adding a little spice to anything I made as they say spicy things help with the heat. I can buy that as most hot countries eat spicy food . We have also been cooling the dogs off several times a day also and they have been wet several times a day. Even the old dog doesn't seem to mind getting hosed down as he hates the water usually whether it be swimming or the hose. We have been sticking around the house so they will drink loads of water in this heat also. I was tempted to go to a movie on one of the hottest day but didn't want to leave the dogs home in the heat and them restricting their water as they wont drink when we are out . One day, I went grocery shopping just to be in the a/c and put up with the huge crowds. I didn't even mind how slow it was. I even went down ever isle no matter if I needed something or not. I actually went to walmart that day wondering the store. I generally never wonder walmart. I thought I was out of my mind shopping like that. I really just wanted to stay cool. I even picked up a bucket of chicken from kfc. Which is so taboo for me. I loathe KFC. More of a moral/ ethical concern about how they are cruel to chickens and process them. I have boycotted kfc for years. The heat made my concern go out the windows and procure some tasty saltiness. I also don't much eat salt anymore or hardly any fast food. I have to admit I wouldn't eat fried chicken everyday but it was what I needed. I needed SALT. I have been losing loads of salt sweating and really don't eat enough salt. i don't generally eat processed food except occasionally. I forgot how salty kfc is. I haven't had it in years. I prefer my own fried chicken as it isn't as greasy either. It was nice to bring home and not have to cook at all. I also forgot how expensive it is. Between the grease, salt and price I don't think it will be any temptation for me. It also made me feel like shit that I would actually buy something from that place. Even trying to rationalize how many big corporations that operate in this small town that I shop at didn't help anymore. It has made me realize what a sell out I have become out of being practial. I was also saddened at looking at my grocery cart with all the disposable items I had like paper plates and plastic forks and spoons. Trying to tell myself it is to damn hot to do dishes. I would never in a million years buy disposable dishes out of concern for the environment and cost.

The heat has been doing some weird things to me. I actually think it is called survival even if I hate buying unethical chicken, and overloading landfills, etc. Sometimes a person has to do what they have to and get off the soapbox of being political. It isn't like I do this stuff everyday either as it really does cost more to buy disposable things and eat crap.

With it being a little cooler I feel a little bit better and can get on with my life a lot more and get more done around here. Maybe, actually preparing for the next horrible heat wave. Where I live it really never stays this hot for very long or achieves the temps of lately. But over the past 9-10 years, each summer I have been here I swear I need a/c. Most of those years , I would just go back to the states to my central air:) Oh , how I miss central air. People in that I know or when they find out from where I'm from think I know a lot about handling the heat. I know one big t hing stay out of it. I never got used to the heat in the states. I had central air and would never go out on hot days. Or if I did it was to the a/c in the car to the a/c in the store back to the a/c at home. Or go out in the very early morning to jog back to a/c. I could never put up with the heat. That was one of the biggest draws to move here permanently several years ago. I could actually enjoy summer without being a shut-in. Also, loved the very cold winters. I like it cold and not brutally hot. A lot of people whine about the horrible cold winters and snow. I'm not one . I love it for the most part. I whine about the horrible hot. I do feel very lucky though not to live in the city where it is very hot though. I can always walk out in my backyard down the stairs and take a nice cool dip in the lake. Even though it is very hot for me it wont stay hot. It is also making me used to the heat now where I want to put a sweater on when it is 70f or around 20c. This is making me hardy this heat snap. Maybe, until I put the portable a/c in (lol) and hole up in the studio.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Package

I really don't have much of anything interesting to say. I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging more so I will try to say something. It will probably be ramblings of sort...

I'm drinking coffee this more relaxing. It is nice to have coffee and read blogs. Morning time is ME time. My mind is jumbled and hazy in the mornings though. Before, blogging, I used to do housework as it was more up my alley about being brainless. Blogging and reading blogs helps jump start my mind in the morning and relaxes me in the evenings also.

I'm trying to think and I thought a lot about this yesterday and today.One thing that happened yesterday was I received a box from my mother yesterday. It contained a small urn of my father. It was very nice and really tasteful. It just looks like a small ornate metal vase. I don't think anyone would guess what it was if they where looking around the house. I can imagine if I every had people over would be they would point out or pick it up thinking oh neat vase and say where did you get that. I can picture myself saying well that is part of my father and laugh as they would have a puzzled confused sorry look. Sorry, black humour.

The box also contained some of his t-shirts,and movies etc. It also contained my gra nd mothers antique weird clock and a doll of my grandmothers I used to play with as a child. I also found a lighter that my mother sent. She said it was my fathers and when I looked at it , I was shocked to find out it was really my lighter. He stole it from me. It made my tears go away as I was angry that he would steal an expensive lighter that was a gift from J. It was a scrimshaw zippo. Scrimshaw is something whalers and sailors used to do. They would carve pictures of voyages and different things onto whale bones. My lighter had a clipper ship on it.

Seeing the lighter brought up some old issues I had with my father. It made me feel guilty for feeling anger at my father. It was just like him to be a lighter thief also. It seemed though a zippo is more deliberate than a bic though. It also brought up feelings of how I felt about how contradictory and just his whole personality. My father was one of those dysfunctional people that you couldn't help but forgive as he was always truly sorry for what ever he did. Even, if he still kept his bad behaviour up. He did the best he could with a mental illness also. I knew some of the things that where less than desirable , dysfunctional and acting out was because he was Bipolar. He really did the best he could. Over all though he was a good decent man. I felt loved by my father so it was easy to forgive his myriad of faults. I still get a laugh out of some of the crazy bullshit that came out of his mouth. He really was a storyteller and would entertain many people everyday with some story or tidbit. The sad thing is he never realized how many people loved him and liked him. He never felt like he had friends when he was actually popular and had many friends.It is actually surprising to me since he was such Mr.gloom and doom with his family. I was speaking to my mother yesterday telling her I really want to not be a negative person and be gloom and doom. I'm generally not but have my periods of gloom and doom. Also, can have black and white thinking when I'm in a bad mood. I don't see my options and choices. My fathers gloom and doom attitude really is what killed him. I don't want that for myself. It is so easy to fall into that trap and just give up in life and not take care of ones self physically or emotionally. Especially, if it is chronic. I have felt like that in the past of just fuck it. Nothing is going to get better and not take care of myself with chronic pain ,chronic mental illness and chronic health problems. I have allowed it to get the better of me at times and just fall into the black hole. The thing that is different with me and my father is I might get into that space of just succumbing to what ever but I always end up getting back on the horse, trudging and simply just trying and not throwing in the towel of taking care of myself and being in tuned to my body and mind. I think I'm more like my mother in that aspect.

My father's death really was a tradgey . I will go into it at a later time but it felt to me like he committed suicide. Which gives me some feelings of anger. His death could of been prevented. It is a wake up for me. I can understand what happened and just feel sad. It also makes me very much want to take care of myself and be a more positive person. It also makes me want to really live and just not trudge through life. Not worry as much and be in the minute. Have fun and have no regrets. I also want to make more enjoyable memories for my family. I don't want my family to have a lot of what if she did so and so would she be alive. My grief is taking a turn around and making me into a better person over the long run . At least I hope it does. The heavy pain is still there as it will take time but I'm dealing with it and I'm not so much in the depths of despair and living life and enjoying it.

Friday, July 15, 2011


I was reading a blog the other day and many things jumped out at me in a good way. It made me rethink how I act towards people. My negativity and my pretty bad social anxiety that I suffer from causes me not to be so kind in public. I'm not rude but I don't put myself out for strangers.

I can't remember what post on that blog had to do something with kindness also. I always have thought of myself as a kind person but the fact is that I really don't put myself out that much to be kind to strangers. I hate going out most of the time. I figure I probaly have a negative glow to me and most of the time look unapproachable. I give to chairtys but that isn't the same as being kind in my every day interactions. I have done a ton of volunteer work in the past. The word is the past.

I have been trying harder out in public lately even if I swear I won't go out. Yesterday, I tried something a little different. SMILING. Yes, I had to force it on and it wasn't easy . I'm generally not a negative person but really can get caught up into it sometimes. To be more accurate I'm a self absorbed person . I have been so caught up with myself and my own misery. I have never been a person to allow many other people in my life either. I go about life quite in public and really don't speak or have much interaction with strangers. I really have never liked small talk either. Don't much like it from anyone that provides a service either: denist, doctors, hair stylist, etc. You get the point. So, my interaction in public is severly limited.

Well, yesterday I decided to put myself out there a little. I had to walk to my dental appoinment since J had an appoinment at the same time. I decided to smile at everyone I meet on my little less than a mile walk. Some people had a tough demeanor and when I would smile at them they smiled back. I thought wow this is different. All the unfriendly faces turned friendly. Got to the denist office to get my cleaning and I found myself engaged in chit chat about the weather etc. Weather is always a huge topic around these parts. I thought I really don't care about the weather as it is what it is period. I'm trying to be friendly though and when I would engage in small talk the staff just seemed much more friendlier to me. I even when ask how are you by the denist I replied I'm great isn't it a fine day outside. He was more postive with me and a little bit more gentle also. Was told I had two small cavities when I had the cleaning and took responsiblity and said fine I will take care of those asap. My lack of dental care over the years has been horrible due to lack of money or not taking care of myself because either my mouth was so screwed what is the use or low self -esteem. They smiled didn't lecture and said when I had my cleaning wow, it isn't that bad for a person that hasn't had it cleaned and neglected for 15 years. I said I really started taking care of it this year and flossing regularly and brushing more than once a day. They reassured me it is what I do now that matters and I'm really taking care of my oral hygiene now. My mouth is a new start and I want to keep it perfect now. I find myself smiling more with a real smile.

I thought why I was in a good mood I would get more done yesterday. Even made small talk with the barber who now cuts my hair because the over-priced salon was full of negative gossipy people. The atmosphere was dismal. The price outragish as I was paying close to 50 bucks to basically get a trim for little hair. I have real short hair now. She would never want to cut it short and the last time left me in a sink for 5 minutes with shampoo in my hair. I wasn't thrilled with saying I go to a barber. He does a better job, has a better atmosphere, better magazines that deal with real life and doesn't leave hair all over me. The price 14 bucks. I still wrinkle my nose at the ideal of going to a barber though. I shouldn't just call him a barber as he actually really does know hair and difficult hairlines. He always gets my hair. I have a wacky hair lines with many cow licks which makes it very difficult to deal with and he doesn't leave my licks flipped up everywhere. I find straight men are easier to get along with also and much prefer the lack of cattiness and superficial crap that goes on in a salon. It isn't my cup of tea:)

Got done ran more errands kept smiling and noticed this one man at the pharmacy. He looked like me most of the time. Very somber, frown big and intimdating. I looked over and smiled at him. He didn't smile. When I got my things to leave looked back and smiled again. He actually cracked a smile. It made me really think about how unapproachable I'm in public and the ideal most people probaly have about me when they don't know me. I don't know what was going on with this man but when he did smile it was lovely.

I really have to start smiling and making myself smile out in public. It makes me lighter and changes how the public deals with me. I'will have to fake it till I make it but I'm starting. I would at one time tell J to smile and not have such a serious look. J would tell me I'm not a chesire cat with a big grin. Well, I will try to be more like a toothy chesire cat until it feels more natural to me and not so freaky . One small little step which see ms so easy isn't that easy but so worth it. Now if I can keep it up.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I'm having an inability to focus this morning on any one thing. I'm overwhelmed with everything that I need to get done so my mind skips around. I really don't want to do anything today except relax. I have been making list and the shear amount of things I need to get done doesn't appeal to me. I'm a serious procrastionator and always have this slogan : (I can do it tomorrow ) The thing is tomorrow never comes for me. Because their is aways tomorrow:) I will get some things done today even if I don't go out. I always have a ton to do around the house. List tend to help me see exactly what needs to be done also. I always put what is absolutely urgent down. I know in my head what is urgent but list make it more concrete. I like making list also. I look back at my list in my little notebook or scraps of paper and it tells me a story months later of where I was at and where I'm now.

I went to the doctor yesterday. It was my first time meeting him. Before, that I went to see the nurse practioner. The doctor comes once a week to the outpost. I was very impressed with him. It has been awhile since a doctor hasn't been dismissive and has listened and listened. He asked questions and stayed silent to listen. I think my high blood pressure yesterday impressed him also as I have been half ass medicated for it for a couple of months. He wants to do some serious investigation before he puts me on anything more. But he did up my Cardizm to help with the chest pain and keep the high blood pressure level. He even recognized his/nurse practioners mistake about the one medication that had my potassium depleted and in ER. He said he has to understand how I metabolize better. I go to a specialist the 25th and start the intense testing that I have needed all along. The specialist and this doctor are going to work together to find the answers I need. I feel really relived as I really don't want a stroke or heart-attack. I feel like I'm getting some where which gives me hope. I'm doing the things I need to do also like exercising more , losing weight and cutting sodium. I still need to give up the smoking. I will do that but not right now as it helps me through this time in my life. I would totally go bat shit not having my smokes right now.

Even though I live in Canada , I don't enjoy socialize medicine as I still have to pay for it for so many years because of being sponsored. It doesn't bother me at all. I pay less than people in the states with an insurance deductable. It is very resonable and really don't feel like I should be a drain on the system either. Yesterdays doctors visit cost 30 bucks. When I had a cat scan I payed 700 not 9,000 that was charged to my daughters insurance when she had an accident. I'm very thankful for the healthcare in this country that doesn't leave me bankrupted or neglecting my health. When I see the nurse practioner it is based on donation for me. What ever I feel like giving. I always give a good sum though. I don't want to take advantage of the generiousty of the outpost. Many people I seen in this area arent very appreciative of the healthcare and sort of abuse it also. I guarntee you if their was a minimal charge they wouldnt show up with the flu or many other things that could be treated at home. I have heard people in the office not want to drive 20 miles either for free healthcare and get bitchy about it. I will drive 20 miles for decent afforable healthcare and not abuse the system. So many people take for granted many things they are entitled to. I hope I will always remember and be thankful for what my new country has gave me besided healthcare and that includes better civil rights than I had in the states. I'm starting to bleed maple leafs so I better stop.

I look forward to figuring out what I need to do as I feel better capable to deal with things even if it is overwhelming. I will probaly put around the house and get things done as I have to go to town tomorrow for a dental cleaning and combine everything tomorrow. I do need some relaxtion too as Rob-bear pointed out.
I want to thank my new blog followers for following this blog. I have found many interesting blogs lately with new followers and lurking on these blogs I have found more blogs also. It really makes me feel not so alone and heard. It puts a smile on my face to read blogs every morning with coffee whether I comment or not. I do pretty much keep up with everyone. I will also enjoy reading farther back on some of the new blogs I have joined. It really is nice to get a different view from reading blogs and cheaper than therapy:) I have got more out of blog land than years of therapy.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Bubble Thoughts / Social Anxiety

I'm not going to be politically correct in my post. I'm sure this might be offensive to someone. My bubble thoughts aren't postive when I'm in a store. They are very angry at times and can be illogical. I stumbled on to a blog the other day about Social Anxiety and other stuff. I haven't thought about social anxiety in awhile because I either go out or just don't. I have that option in life. I live in a smallish town and not even in town. I have been away from the city for a couple of years now and sort of live in seclusion by my own choice. It is very safe for me and my moods and anxiety for the most part. Even the people where I live hate the tourist. Most of the time I don't care one way or another. It is something you have to accept as the town I live in swells to a staggering size in the summer because people have cottages or as I would say vacation homes. I live in the summer hell of what people call Cottage Country.

The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Getting back on the horse

I'm trying to wake up this morning. I got to sleep a little to late last night. I got to sleep last night and the dog woke me up. Got up for several hours to watch rewinds of The Soup. I haven't had such a good laugh in awhile watching stupid out takes of shows. Also, had a small feast on tomatoes and a baked potato. Had a hell of a time getting back to sleep. I think I got back to sleep at about 3-4ish. Slept another 4 hours. I could of slept longer but really want to get back to some sort of routine. I will be tired by tonight and sleep like a baby hopefully.

These last few months I have lacked structure and I need it physically and emotionally to function better. I can understand why I haven't had structure in my life with everything going on in my life though. I have done my best keeping it together emotionally. It would be hell for a normal person. Sometimes, I think I'm to hard on myself. Other times, I don't think I'm hard enough. Now to strike that balance.

I'm back into a place where I just want to take care of myself. Back to wanting to get things done around the house. I'm back to wanting to eat right meaning very healthy and lose more weight. I also want to improve myself physically with exercise. Most of this is due to I feel better physically. When your body is exhausted all the time it is hard to feel like doing anything. My head also has had enough crap to last a life time. It is time to move on with my life. I'm sure I will still have grief but I'm not going to get bogged down. I still have my days and that I accept. I'm back to being thankful for my good days and not being resentful about "Why does this shit happen to me" I have came to the conclusion no one really ever will take care of me except myself. It really is true for anyone though. I have watched for years my mother take care of everyone else except for herself and is having a hell of a time taking care of herself. I have fell down pretty hard this year and expected another person to take care of me and was very disappointed when they couldn't live up to my expectations. That is because I wanted that person to take care of me like I take care of myself and others. I do a much better job but found out maybe I was putting to much of an expectation of that person that can barely take care of their self . Anyway, it is much better to rely on yourself because people come and go through a lifetime.

I forgot myself over the past months starting with my shoulder acting up again and started to become depended. My mood ran down with misc. things. I think I'm getting back though with where I was before all this crap happened though stronger and hopefully more wise. I will get there again. I'm looking forward to life again and I have always had the knack of when life kicks you in the teeth of always getting up again . It might take longer than I like but I have always managed because that is what sort of person I'm.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Another Day In Paradise

It has been a busy week already. I think part of the reason I haven't felt motivation is physically my body hasn't wanted to go there. Not long after I wrote my last entry the other day , I had to go to the hospital again. I had irregular heartbeats for several days prior to that and it was only getting worse. I was waiting that day to call the Nurse Practioner. I was told to go to ER.

I went to ER. They treated me like I was having another heart-attack. It didn't feel that way to me but I was pretty weak all over. The doctor in the ER was treating me like I was having an panic attack. I know the difference with panic atttack and something wrong with my heart. Blood was drawn and ativan under the tongue was gave with the usual baby asprin just in case. I was hooked up to various machines. I had to wait till the lab work came back. I was suffering from very low potassium levels due to being depleted by one of the blood pressure medications I was taking. It was very very low. Potassium allows your muscles to work and if you don't have it it will make your muscles not function . The heart is a major muscle. I had to stay in the ER until they gave most of it back by IV. That took several bags and hours to push through my body. After, I was done they sent me home with more of this potassium pill called slow k. Disconituned one of my blood pressure pills. So , basically until I see a doctor next week I'm without a blood pressure pill. I still have another that is more for the heart. I switched to another blood pressure pill last week. The metropyhl(sp?) was blocking my heart so much that I couldn't do anything physically or have any stamina. I was in pretty good shape with stamina before taking it and made it impossible to do anything physical. I was told it was a beta blocker and it could possibly do that. So, last week they put me on a diarectic (water pill) Well that depleted my potassium. So, I don't know what is next with a blood pressure pill. I'm still on Cardizm. I was refreed to a person in this area that does hearts even though he isn't a cardioligist but a interetist. We have very little specializist in this area being rural . It is fine with me though. His office called yesterday wanting to hook me up to a 24 hour holter EKG machine and doing other testing such as stress test etc. I will know more today as I 'wasn't around the house to get the call. I will call and make that appoinment today when his office opens.

I have tried to stay busy as I have a million things to do. We took the puppy to the vet for her heart worm test. It is a little late in the season but finally got around to it. She is on heart worm now. Finally, after so long got around to taking the older elderly dogs urine up to the vet to test for cushings disease. We will know something by Friday.

After doing that we wanted something fast to eat but nothing to fast food so went to Pizza Hut. We generally don't eat out and didn't know if Pizza Hut would be terrible or not. To our surpise it was pretty good. We sat out on the patio and it was wonderful even though it did rain some while we where out there. What a smoker will do for a smoke. (haha) After, that we ran our usual errands and ended up at the vegetable tent. We have been so starved for anything vegetable or fruit. We bought a bunch of vegetables and bought some fresh salad by the pound. They have lovely salad already made. It is so nice to have a fresh salad already made up with a ton of veggies in it when your tired and don't feel like cutting that all up. I also got some fresh cut up fruit salad. It was loaded with fresh melons, berries of all types and kiwi. I also found a sicilian eggplant. Never have used one but it looks interesting. I think I will just grill it the same way I use eggplant. A little olive oil, salt and pepper. If anyone has a better way or a recipe for it please share.

I'm going to get a massage today. My shoulders and back have been hurting again. It hurts to sit and stand up. I'm not comfortable in any postion. it hurts to move around and be active. I walk like a little old lady. I push myself anyway but it is getting unbearable. The massage helps a lot but I get relunctant to do it because of the cost. I rather spend the money than to be in horrible chronic pain that renders me useless. This will just put the pain to an acceptable level where I can still move. The only other thing that really helps is percocet which I really don't want to get addicted to. I use this product also called Biofreeze. It does help a lot from stabbing pain to dull pain and makes me more flexible. I feel like an little old lady discussing all my aches and pains , health problems.

I think I will wrap this up and listen to the gentle rain and have my morning coffee.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Crazy Month

I don't know where to start. It has been a hectic crazy month . The past two weeks have been a hellish and like a rollercoaster. I just got back from my trip to see the in-laws. We actually stayed longer than we wanted to due to circumstances that arose during our stay. If you don't know my in-laws are in their 90's. Which lends various crisis for that age group. We really didn't want to visit either but out of a sense of duty ,respect and love , we do. We visit every couple of months to see how they are getting along and do the things they need us to do.

The first night we where visiting in that area they didn't even know we where in town. We keep it that way to get settled etc. The second day J had an event to go to but they knew we where there. That is the night we get the call. J's mum was picked up by the paramedics. The story goes H- J's mum had a lot of stomach pain tried to get on the toilet and fell. B-J's father couldn't get her up being very frail. She also lost all control of her bowels falling and made a very huge mess.
He had no clue what happened to H so paniced and called 911. After he called 911 and was inroute to the hospital he called us to meet him there. We ended up at the hospital before the ambulance. We walked in with H being pushed on the stretcher. We didn't know if H was in serious or critical condition at all but J looked at the ekg strip and said her heart was fine. J was a CCU nurse for 25 years. Made us worry a lot less .

Anyway, we started to think we had more of an elderly crisis on our hands. J did a real good job at talking with the nurse and that is when our visit for a couple of days turned into a week. We sat in the emergency room for 12 hours before they admitted H to do many test and also hold her till services outside the hospital was arraigned. So she ended up staying about 2 days at the hospital because it was a week-end and the proper personel needed to be set up for her discharge. H suffered from a Hiatal hernia . The real problem that brought her to the hospital was J's parents not being able to completely take care of themselves. H is severly demented and totally unable to take care of herself. B, takes care of H. B is very elderly and can't hardle walk but does the best he can. Neither one of them will accept outside help and have a hell of a time living. Both H and B are very resistant to change and won't go to a nursing home. Well , because of all this they are now in the system set up with Home Health and both hating it. Last week they had many services visit the home. It was like one person after another coming in. They kept repeating we can do it ourselves. We kept repeating no you cant and just tried to set up the services anyway. It was a real fight day after day. To get them to accept the services they need. We even got H- daycare for the elderly once a week which is better than nothing. I was impressed how the system moved so fastly and they have a total umbrella of services to keep them in their home.

It took it's toll on us especially the first night staying up for over 24 hours and working on little sleep. The night before that the puppy kept us up being afraid of the hotel room. So for like 3 nights we got less than 10 hours of sleep with various things. The poor dogs had to stay in the truck overnight at the hospital. It just really stayed busy the whole visit. We even had to book to more days at the hotel. We spent so much money related to this visit of staying in a hotel and having to provide all of our own meals this ate up our vacation money for this summer. We weren't even really thanked either. My in-laws aren't even anywhere near poor either. Anyway, what elderly person with some dementia and the other completely demented want to be forced out of the home or take serices when they are so delusional they think they can do it. I guess what makes me mad is how illogical they are and have no judgement. It is like fighting with a mentally ill person in an episode. They come across crazy. I say crazy as a generic term. I should say delsunional. The week was stressful to say the least.

We have been sweating about money and home repairs. This week didn't help with that extra stress. We pretty much where to the point of giving up and getting worse in debt. We would say what is some more debt load since it is so overwhelming anyway.
Then, I get a phone call from my mother. This made us cry. She told me she was going to give me some inheritance money. I wasn't expecting this. Told her to not worry about giving me any money from my father in the past month. Told her I wanted her to live the best life possible. Well, I will be recieving a little money probaly enough to get some of our kitchen remodeled. It really took some of the stress load off. It was almost if that was one thing out of this terrible month that had a silver lining to it. I really didn't expect it. She is also gathering 2 boxes of some of my fathers things to send me also. One box is stuff of my grandmothers also. She also ordered me a small urn that has my father's ashes in it so I'm honoured.

I have spoke to my mother everyday since the death of my father. I have watched her grieve so much. It has been a great growing experiance in our relationship making us closer and more vulnerable to each other. It also has made me realize the greater meaning of being there for someone and giving till it hurts. I have gave my mother my paycheck last month to help with her expenses and etc. That hurt but it hurts me more watching my mother live without money that she is accustomed to and not a poor lifestyle. She now has most of the estaste tooking care off and has the money that will keep her into old age hopefully. I have been poor in the past and so has my parents and we just dread the hell out of ever having to live that way again. Poor isn't bad per say. It just really limits your choices and makes people make bad decision.

I have been home for almost three days now and I'm so tired emotionally and physically. I have been trying to rest and get back to some sort of rountine. It has been hard. I feel like my head is totally baked or like a bowl of jelly. Now I have my life to deal with and it is overwhelming the amount of stuff I have to get done and the things I want to do. I will chunk it down and get what I have to get done little by little. Now is the hard part finding the motivation to get anything done. What helps with motivation?