It has been awhile since I have wrote. So much and so little has happened. Most of all my mind is a wreck. The ugly head of mania is starting to creep up on me. I can feel the creepy hand of it near . It lurks in the back ground. I'm groggy writing this as I had my medication upped yesterday and spent most of the day in some state. J handed me some pills and I took them. Makes me feel short leashed inside my body if that makes any sense. Everything is slower and more exhausting. My body is weak and the pills make me not as coherent.
The stress is catching up to me. I have not had a good outlet for it. I haven't much wanted to talk period. To talk about my problems would be admitting I have some serious problems. I have had limited offers also. But I have had one good offer from Mr. Bear and I'm slowly getting there to take his offer up. I have tried without much success to act like nothing is wrong and to go on living like everyday life. The problem is I'm paralyzed by everyday life and don't want to get out of the house or do anything in the house except doing something that involves escapism.
Escapism is many things to me. Like watching loads of tv. Yesterday, I crawled into bed turned on the Cartoon Network and was so fucked up from my pills, I didn't move much. To be honest I needed it as I was completely loosing my mind with olfactory hallucinations and fear. Tons of fear. It was just fear of the unknown.
Other days , I just get lost in reading ,tv, other projects. When I know damn well I need to organize and declutter this horrible house. I'm trying to make it handicap friendly and user friendly. All the mess is J's over 50 years of shit .One way or the other It has became my responsibility to deal with everything around here
It makes me angry that everything is heaped on me. I resent it period. At the same time it makes me feel guilty for being angry that |I have to do everything. It makes me angry when I suggest outside help it gets ignored as J says we are fine. J says we are fine to everyone. I'm losing my marbles. I don't like waiting on J 24/7. It might not be so bad if J made any of any sort of decision on her own behalf. J just bitches about everything.
I have to figure something out for me to survive this shitstorm. It isn't like anyone likes to hear negative news in my family either. I don't have a support system at all. I'm very lucky though my daughter is flying up here to help me for almost 2 weeks. I need some order and structure and believe it or not a 19 year old is helping me sort this shit pit of a house out. Should be interesting .
If I don't listen to the signs of Mania I will be full-blown. I have not listened to my triggers of stress at all. I'm listening now and trying to sort out the mess of life. I'm even at the moment when it is not very convenient to up my medication and get some sleep and basic nutrition . When I'm manic I don't eat much. I don't put any of my needs to be of much importance either.
Showing posts with label symptoms of mania. Show all posts
Showing posts with label symptoms of mania. Show all posts
Friday, July 4, 2014
Friday, August 5, 2011
Manic
I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.
I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.
The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.
I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.
The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Rat...A...Tat..Tat
I have been pretty busy the last past two days. My mood is climbing. I don't know if I like it or not. I'm getting things done though and that is good. It is my cycle though to start climbling this time of year. I think I gave it an extra push last week with the SAD lamp. It works just like an anti-depressant. Which everyone knows bipolar people should discontinue when it makes you manic or pushes towards mania. It really is a fine line. Just glad I caught it before I totally pushed myself over the edge.
Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.
I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .
Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.
Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.
Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.
I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .
Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.
Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Rollercoaster
I haven't blogged in awhile. I either have been manic,skiing or had the bug. I have been sick again with some flu bug and I'm actually thank-ful because it drains me emotionally. I have been becoming real manic and spending. I spent a load when we went skiing again. I spent enough to make me sick to my stomach and enough to stop again. I really didn't want to go skiing this time but it was ok. I have had enough till next year. Until then I will start getting involved with the gym again and start working out for golf season. It has been so unseasonable warm and I love it. I have had enough of winter now even though I love it. It is time for a different season for me and my mood will get better also with the change of season. It will level out more and I won't be all over the place. I have been all over the place and can't stay focused on one ideal. I can't connect the dots lately and it is annoying. I'm getting a little better where I can sleep through the night though and it is helping the mania deflat some. I know it will pass like anything else and it is just holding on till it goes.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Mixed Mood switching over to Mania
In this mixed state of mine , I feel like it is moving to just pure mania. I wanted a shift of mood but not mania. I hate full blown mania. I'm ok if I just don't do anything to agitate me but you have to live life. The more I do the more I act like a volcano of energy. I finally went and did my clothes yesterday and what a chore that was. I ended up doing them fine until they where about done. The first dryer load I folded and then I couldn't fold them any more and just shoved them into bags to do at home. I hate wrinkles and will have to iron some of them out. I tend to hate anything out of order when I'm in this mood and I'm not my laid back self.
I have been getting cat naps and that hasn't been great but at least it is sleep. I can sleep two -three hours straight and wake up . My sleep generally ends in a nightmare which wakes me up. I once had a shrink tell me nightmares tend to happen when a mood is changing. Wow, what an insight. I could have said that. I know my cycles pretty well and November is a bear for me with mania and just pure insanity no matter what I do. I can ease the insanity and do less damage but it is still there the underlying mood. I just have to have my safe guards in place like limits of money and more time outs and I try not to go around people as much as I tend to be irritable or to friendly. I do everything to an excess in this mood and have a hard time seating still.
Which brings me to I don't know how I'm going to seat for 4 hours in the truck when we go to Cambridge today. I will but it will be painful. I will be like a fidgeting little kid , yelling are we there yet. I think I will have to bring my gameboy and listen to music and try to distract myself just like you would a hyper child. Rest stops to exercise my bouncing legs. I think when we get there I will manage to stay busy and take the breaks I need and maybe it will just make me happy not to be at home which I surely think it will. Now to manage to not spend to much as I will give my partner my credit card and will only ask for it when I really need it . I will also need some time outs from my in-laws as they tend to get on my nerves also at times and that is when I will walk out and have a continual smoke break. I need to set my boundaries as they are different in this different mood. It does work though .
I have been getting cat naps and that hasn't been great but at least it is sleep. I can sleep two -three hours straight and wake up . My sleep generally ends in a nightmare which wakes me up. I once had a shrink tell me nightmares tend to happen when a mood is changing. Wow, what an insight. I could have said that. I know my cycles pretty well and November is a bear for me with mania and just pure insanity no matter what I do. I can ease the insanity and do less damage but it is still there the underlying mood. I just have to have my safe guards in place like limits of money and more time outs and I try not to go around people as much as I tend to be irritable or to friendly. I do everything to an excess in this mood and have a hard time seating still.
Which brings me to I don't know how I'm going to seat for 4 hours in the truck when we go to Cambridge today. I will but it will be painful. I will be like a fidgeting little kid , yelling are we there yet. I think I will have to bring my gameboy and listen to music and try to distract myself just like you would a hyper child. Rest stops to exercise my bouncing legs. I think when we get there I will manage to stay busy and take the breaks I need and maybe it will just make me happy not to be at home which I surely think it will. Now to manage to not spend to much as I will give my partner my credit card and will only ask for it when I really need it . I will also need some time outs from my in-laws as they tend to get on my nerves also at times and that is when I will walk out and have a continual smoke break. I need to set my boundaries as they are different in this different mood. It does work though .
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Bouncy Ball
The last couple of days I have been bouncing like a bouncy ball during the day when I'm not sleeping. I have short- leashed myself with meds for the past three days and it just makes my body feel like a wet noodle but does nothing for my brain to slow down. Except itmakes me go to sleep at odd hours during the day and not sleep through the night.
Today, my legs aren't as restless bopping up and down as the past couple of days and that is a good sign as it is very annoying to have your whole body fidgeting. I went to town yesterday and made it quick as my mood wasn't conducive to social interaction and what I think in this mood comes out of my mouth. In this manic mix I'm not tactful and I'm getting used to a town I really don't want to live in and have an opinion about everything and everybody in this mood. I even have some noises that just come out of me. I did manage to pick up my Bose system and it really is great. It is a very great bright spot as I love music in about every genre. Even though rock, pop and punk are my favorite. It really enhances the music on my ipod and makes me want to collect more music . Collecting music has never been a problem anyways as I have over 1,000 albums on my ipods.
I have been up for awhile and still can't concentrate very well but I do my best in the morning hours and it doesn't take any thought to pick up and water plants. I'm getting trash together for dump day and some less clutter out of the house. I'm also getting laundry ready so we will have clothes ready for our trip. I also have to brush the animals again as they are getting boarded next week. I'm looking forward to some time without them . I love them so much but like time away from them also.
I have alot to look forward to if my mood doesn't get into my way in a terrible nasty way. I'm taking safe guards against that though like having time to have many time outs and if necessary more medication. This probably will be my last trip to a major city till February.
Today, my legs aren't as restless bopping up and down as the past couple of days and that is a good sign as it is very annoying to have your whole body fidgeting. I went to town yesterday and made it quick as my mood wasn't conducive to social interaction and what I think in this mood comes out of my mouth. In this manic mix I'm not tactful and I'm getting used to a town I really don't want to live in and have an opinion about everything and everybody in this mood. I even have some noises that just come out of me. I did manage to pick up my Bose system and it really is great. It is a very great bright spot as I love music in about every genre. Even though rock, pop and punk are my favorite. It really enhances the music on my ipod and makes me want to collect more music . Collecting music has never been a problem anyways as I have over 1,000 albums on my ipods.
I have been up for awhile and still can't concentrate very well but I do my best in the morning hours and it doesn't take any thought to pick up and water plants. I'm getting trash together for dump day and some less clutter out of the house. I'm also getting laundry ready so we will have clothes ready for our trip. I also have to brush the animals again as they are getting boarded next week. I'm looking forward to some time without them . I love them so much but like time away from them also.
I have alot to look forward to if my mood doesn't get into my way in a terrible nasty way. I'm taking safe guards against that though like having time to have many time outs and if necessary more medication. This probably will be my last trip to a major city till February.
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