I haven't blogged in about 3 weeks. So little and so much has happened. I keep telling myself I really need to update. My memory anymore is crap. I will start off by saying I didn't go on my camping trip. Life came up. Life has away of getting in the way of good plans so does the lack of money. I can't remember everything that has went to hell in the past three weeks but the major one was our water pump went out on our water system. No pump = no water. That cost a good 1,700. Mostly, because the pump is located in the lake. Needed a new harness built for the pump and water line also. It is aggravating but not the end of the word.
It seems many things have been on stand still lately. My kitchen is waiting and crying it needs fixed. The bathroom is crying it needs major new flooring and sub flooring. Everything in the house is screaming "We need your attention" I scream back I'm not made of money. The house then screams we don't give a crap we will break on you. We are really trying to figure out how to get it all done before it snows. Trying to find honest hard working people in this small town is very hard. Everything is so overpriced by American standards also. Don't even get me started on how much more expensive everything is here. When the Canadian dollar is higher than the American dollar. It really upsets me to pay double and triple on some things.
I did though have one nice day exploring,hiking and going to a tourist trap and eating a Indian Taco on a Rez. I need more of those days. I was so tired hiking 3.0kms of very rugged terrain. My back and legs where a mess the next day. Oh the bush though. It calls to me at times and soothes my crazy racing head. I feel more at home than even in a mall.
I used to call shopping home but not to long ago I went and felt so out of place. I'm not used to the choices at all and the sticker shock. Ended up getting all dressed up. I'm starting to feel like a hick anymore. Example: They had a dyson hand blower that looks so different and I marveled at it. Kept blowing my hands. Did managed to get J new glasses. Also, some real nice sweaters and more dressy clothes so when we go down south we won't look like such hicks in a fine dining establishment. Ended up eating at the Red lobster. One of those all you can eat shrimp things and I have been so sick the last past couple of days. I don't think I can look at shrimp the same now. It is something when to do shopping you have to drive a good 180 mile trip and get the gift of food poisoning. I also got my monthly present at the same time. I feel so lucky. The night we went ended up drinking to much wine also and had a hangover the next day also. I haven't been so physically sick in ages. My stomach better today still gargles.
My mood is getting slowly under control. It has been a ride on the mixed roller coaster.
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Wow, what a ugly gnome
I haven't wrote in almost a week. I had I think four teeth extracted totalling six. I got my partial and it looks wonderful. I haven't felt wonderful though. The partial doesn't feel that awful and isn't as painful as I thought it would be. The thing that has just made me so sick is taking the anti-biotic. I thought it was the pain pills making me so sick. It wasn't I figured it out yesterday. It has felt like I have had some killer flu. I have been trudging on though. Gradually, getting back to some sort of existence.
I'm getting my appetite back and I'm going to have to watch it or I will pack on the weight. My sleep is all over the place. I'm going to have to watch this as if I'm up I will shop. I mostly look but one night I ordered a pizza stone for the grill, marinade injector, a t-shirt and a set of god awful gnomes. Everything seemed acceptable except the garden gnomes. Wacky purchases generally tell me that I need to keep a close check on myself. I do justify the tacky gnomes though (lol) I want to plant some roses or some sort of flower that comes up every year as a memorial to my grandma that had eccentric and at times tacky taste. I wanted to put the gnomes around that plant. I still need to come up with a plant for the yard for my father. His favorite colour was blue. The hard part is to come up with something hardy enough for this area that will come up in the summer. I haven't thought of the little statue or possible bird feeder I will use for that area. He really loved watching birds and got a thrill out of doves. I thought about something dove like but it is so funeral like to me. My yard is turning into a flowered monument to dead things. I have planted loads of colourful tulips for the dogs that have passed. Also, tulips for the soldiers as I have Canadian Liberators as a tulip variety. I have a post somewhere about them. I really love flowers and plants though. I really look forward to this coming week with getting some annuals and perennials. It is still planting season here if you can imagine that. Barely, but still (haha) I have had so much come up that I haven't got around to my yard work. Yesterday, morning I made the statement "I don't even know why I bother getting up today" Well, I'm glad I did. It was late morning and people where mowing and doing brush removal. I could smell the sweet perfume of sweet grass and all kinds of different things that I couldn't identify as the sweet grass was so over powering. The sun was so bright and it was coldish. The wind was perfect. I could hear red squirrels chatting away. Which means they where telling something off. I couldn't help but smile. I even managed to seat outside and grill. I cooked a ham and some potatoes. I managed to put up the umbrella in the patio furniture. Not a hard job but the umbrella is broke and I had to tie a very hard tight knot in it to keep it up which at first I balance my fat ass on a chair to tie the knot but ended up putting it on the ground so I wouldn't fall. I have been a bit dizzy lately. J and I played a little bit with Daisy also. We stayed out until the mosquitoes got feisty . I look around the yard and see some major yard work to be done but in time it will get done. Probably, by the end of summer. Who knows, it will be when I get to it. I have years and years of projects and have to with the house and yard.
We are thinking about getting another cat also. A kitten to fit in with the other animals. Mostly, to entertain Link and keep her busy. I have been looking at Siamese cats. I have found a breeder and the more I try to work with her the more I'm favouring the humane society again. The cat breeder is a little wacky for my taste. I also hate kissing someones ass for an expensive cat. I for the most part think each to their own with beliefs but don't impose some wacky new age beliefs on animals and customers. The more I think about it I think I will go the humane society route and not jump through the hoops of this weirdo like a trained poodle. We jumped through enough hoops with the humane society. Tons of paperwork ,references and interview. I was very impressed with the humane society here as it was super clean also and had no animal urine or feces smell. The smell of the humane society of southwest Missouri will knock you over and I have ended up with very sick animals. One of the things that turned me off of adopting animals. I would spend a ton of money to make them well from some sort of contagious lung infections or kennel cough. I had a dog that made the rest of my dogs very sick also. I been thinking I will be ready in the fall for another cat. Daisy, will be grown enough to be able to handle a kitten. I will enjoy watching a kitten interact with the rest of the animals also. Very cheap entertainment.
I'm also slowly making list even though I have had major setbacks. I have kept my unofficial new year's eve goal by taking care of my health and getting a doctor. I have totally for the most part fixed all my teeth. I have completed wearing this horrible device that keeps track of your blood pressure for a 24 hour period also. i go back to the nurse practitioner tomorrow. My blood pressure still has been on the high side and I need to get it in acceptable range. One of my heart meds drains me physically of any stamina which I need to get changed. I have been so tired physically for about two months and I had decent stamina before my heart-attack. I can hardly mow the grass now. The med isn't right. I have been off the one med for a couple of days now and already feel my stamina come back. Part of me worries that the angina will come back. I'm sure they will come up with a better med anyways that controls my blood pressure better. I still need to manage my stress and anger better. I was more aware of my stress and anger wearing that blood pressure monitoring machine as when I was stressed or angry my blood pressure would be much higher. Sort of a little bio-feedback machine. I would be aware of it and do things differently. It would lower. I still need to give up smoking also. I plan on that in the fall or winter. I need to get through some of my grief and stress. Yes, I need that crutch. I also need to change my habits with smoking to be truly successful also. I dread moving my smoking outside but will sometime. The thought makes me shudder.
Well, I'm thinking about going back to bed even though it is daylight at 5:30 this morning and the birds are all up chirping, quacking, etc. It is also nice to listen to the geese,ducks and soon to be loons on the lake. I haven't thought about what I will do today on Father's Day. Nothing perhaps, or just another day to me to get things done. I really don't want to be dreary and negative. I have started to gradually get out of my dark pit with that and accept it.
I'm getting my appetite back and I'm going to have to watch it or I will pack on the weight. My sleep is all over the place. I'm going to have to watch this as if I'm up I will shop. I mostly look but one night I ordered a pizza stone for the grill, marinade injector, a t-shirt and a set of god awful gnomes. Everything seemed acceptable except the garden gnomes. Wacky purchases generally tell me that I need to keep a close check on myself. I do justify the tacky gnomes though (lol) I want to plant some roses or some sort of flower that comes up every year as a memorial to my grandma that had eccentric and at times tacky taste. I wanted to put the gnomes around that plant. I still need to come up with a plant for the yard for my father. His favorite colour was blue. The hard part is to come up with something hardy enough for this area that will come up in the summer. I haven't thought of the little statue or possible bird feeder I will use for that area. He really loved watching birds and got a thrill out of doves. I thought about something dove like but it is so funeral like to me. My yard is turning into a flowered monument to dead things. I have planted loads of colourful tulips for the dogs that have passed. Also, tulips for the soldiers as I have Canadian Liberators as a tulip variety. I have a post somewhere about them. I really love flowers and plants though. I really look forward to this coming week with getting some annuals and perennials. It is still planting season here if you can imagine that. Barely, but still (haha) I have had so much come up that I haven't got around to my yard work. Yesterday, morning I made the statement "I don't even know why I bother getting up today" Well, I'm glad I did. It was late morning and people where mowing and doing brush removal. I could smell the sweet perfume of sweet grass and all kinds of different things that I couldn't identify as the sweet grass was so over powering. The sun was so bright and it was coldish. The wind was perfect. I could hear red squirrels chatting away. Which means they where telling something off. I couldn't help but smile. I even managed to seat outside and grill. I cooked a ham and some potatoes. I managed to put up the umbrella in the patio furniture. Not a hard job but the umbrella is broke and I had to tie a very hard tight knot in it to keep it up which at first I balance my fat ass on a chair to tie the knot but ended up putting it on the ground so I wouldn't fall. I have been a bit dizzy lately. J and I played a little bit with Daisy also. We stayed out until the mosquitoes got feisty . I look around the yard and see some major yard work to be done but in time it will get done. Probably, by the end of summer. Who knows, it will be when I get to it. I have years and years of projects and have to with the house and yard.
We are thinking about getting another cat also. A kitten to fit in with the other animals. Mostly, to entertain Link and keep her busy. I have been looking at Siamese cats. I have found a breeder and the more I try to work with her the more I'm favouring the humane society again. The cat breeder is a little wacky for my taste. I also hate kissing someones ass for an expensive cat. I for the most part think each to their own with beliefs but don't impose some wacky new age beliefs on animals and customers. The more I think about it I think I will go the humane society route and not jump through the hoops of this weirdo like a trained poodle. We jumped through enough hoops with the humane society. Tons of paperwork ,references and interview. I was very impressed with the humane society here as it was super clean also and had no animal urine or feces smell. The smell of the humane society of southwest Missouri will knock you over and I have ended up with very sick animals. One of the things that turned me off of adopting animals. I would spend a ton of money to make them well from some sort of contagious lung infections or kennel cough. I had a dog that made the rest of my dogs very sick also. I been thinking I will be ready in the fall for another cat. Daisy, will be grown enough to be able to handle a kitten. I will enjoy watching a kitten interact with the rest of the animals also. Very cheap entertainment.
I'm also slowly making list even though I have had major setbacks. I have kept my unofficial new year's eve goal by taking care of my health and getting a doctor. I have totally for the most part fixed all my teeth. I have completed wearing this horrible device that keeps track of your blood pressure for a 24 hour period also. i go back to the nurse practitioner tomorrow. My blood pressure still has been on the high side and I need to get it in acceptable range. One of my heart meds drains me physically of any stamina which I need to get changed. I have been so tired physically for about two months and I had decent stamina before my heart-attack. I can hardly mow the grass now. The med isn't right. I have been off the one med for a couple of days now and already feel my stamina come back. Part of me worries that the angina will come back. I'm sure they will come up with a better med anyways that controls my blood pressure better. I still need to manage my stress and anger better. I was more aware of my stress and anger wearing that blood pressure monitoring machine as when I was stressed or angry my blood pressure would be much higher. Sort of a little bio-feedback machine. I would be aware of it and do things differently. It would lower. I still need to give up smoking also. I plan on that in the fall or winter. I need to get through some of my grief and stress. Yes, I need that crutch. I also need to change my habits with smoking to be truly successful also. I dread moving my smoking outside but will sometime. The thought makes me shudder.
Well, I'm thinking about going back to bed even though it is daylight at 5:30 this morning and the birds are all up chirping, quacking, etc. It is also nice to listen to the geese,ducks and soon to be loons on the lake. I haven't thought about what I will do today on Father's Day. Nothing perhaps, or just another day to me to get things done. I really don't want to be dreary and negative. I have started to gradually get out of my dark pit with that and accept it.
Thursday, May 12, 2011
Free Flow
I started some of my dental extractions yesterday. I'm a little sore and tender. I think the freezing agent they used jacked up my mood a bit. Slept like crap and hardle at all last night. It wasn't all bad as I sat up in silence and just thought a lot. I don't know how silent it was as I could hear all the wildlife outside which was nice. I was in a peaceful frame of mind as the spring peepers didn't drive me nuts with the peeping. Spring peepers are small frogs. They are loud and sound exactly like the name. PEEP, PEEP over and over again. Usually, a ton of them also. In certain moods they keep me awake. I didn't even get nervous with something prowling the backyard bumping into things. I never know if it is a racoon or a blackbear. Usually, the thought of a bear in the spring puts the anxiety in me. I just enjoyed the cool breeze and my thoughts. It has been awhile where I have been up most of the night just thinking and mauling over parts of my life. Not even regretting them or fretting. I didn't write anything down but just let my mind just menader where it wanted to go. I didn't need to remember what I thought just the feelings associated with it and the insights that I recieved getting to the point. My brain can be all over the place even in the best of times. I even confuse myself getting to the points of actual concerete ideas. It isn't really all that important how I arrive at the concerete anymore. I used to anazyle to much in the past. My thinking is pretty ADD. It always has been even when I'm so called "normal". I think myself into a big black hole when I try to be conventional and go by other peoples rules or try to use self help books . I can't remember where I seen this but I once seen something from someone that goes like this. I don't need to be fixed because I'm not broken. I just need to change how I react to things. Which is true for me. I have managed to get through life and survive and overcome many , many things. I don't think that a broken person could survive many things I have experianced. Each sad horrible thing that has happened in my life has taught me how to react and that has been good and bad. I could go on and on about my life of war stories but I don't. The past isn't imporant to me much anymore. Most of the time I have just accepted it and even forgave people. I never forgot though. I learned a lot of lessons on trust, boundaries and most of all acceptance, as it has gave me a more of a free mind.
I don't know where I'm going with this except a free flowing rambling of my mind. I feel introspective and calm. I even stopped taking my darvocet as it was making me feel dizzy and itchy. I just took a few of them yesterday. I rather live with the pain as most pain meds make me sick. It was nice though to take the edge of though. It also makes me dig very deep in myself to be annoyed with nagging dull pain . Pain also makes my thoughts all over the place. Yesterday, I had a migraine, shoulder pain and mouth pain. Today, I have a dull pain in different various places. I'm taking nothing. Sometimes, I just accept I feel like crap and can't do much. My body is saying to relax. I can live with dull pain even if it wears me out. It is much better than agonizing pain which I can't take for any lengths of time. My wandering mind helps with all the distractions in this time and actually helps me deal with not focusing on anything. Sometimes, I need to go to my happy place. My happy place is basically just shutting down into a void of all thought. I don't know exactly what it is or how I achieve it. It is a nice place to escape though in times of physical pain.
Going to go lay down for awhile and achieve nothing today. I'm fine with it though.
I don't know where I'm going with this except a free flowing rambling of my mind. I feel introspective and calm. I even stopped taking my darvocet as it was making me feel dizzy and itchy. I just took a few of them yesterday. I rather live with the pain as most pain meds make me sick. It was nice though to take the edge of though. It also makes me dig very deep in myself to be annoyed with nagging dull pain . Pain also makes my thoughts all over the place. Yesterday, I had a migraine, shoulder pain and mouth pain. Today, I have a dull pain in different various places. I'm taking nothing. Sometimes, I just accept I feel like crap and can't do much. My body is saying to relax. I can live with dull pain even if it wears me out. It is much better than agonizing pain which I can't take for any lengths of time. My wandering mind helps with all the distractions in this time and actually helps me deal with not focusing on anything. Sometimes, I need to go to my happy place. My happy place is basically just shutting down into a void of all thought. I don't know exactly what it is or how I achieve it. It is a nice place to escape though in times of physical pain.
Going to go lay down for awhile and achieve nothing today. I'm fine with it though.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunny Day
It is such a nice day today. It has rained pretty hard off and on for about a week. It is nice and warm today. First day really of any warmth here. About 70F or 18C for an estimate. The daffodils are finally coming up and looking so pretty. Something, about bright colours that make me happy. The tulips are inching up pretty steady and hopefully in a week or two they will be in bloom. I planted many bulbs last year and forgot what I planted so I'm thrilled to see what colours I planned or I will be very surpised. It will be something to see as I generally am in a higher mood when I buy so many bulbs. It will probaly be very colourful if not a tacky arraigment of colours. Who knows. That is why I said I will be surpised:)
The ice went out of the lake about a week ago . I think anyway. I just managed the other day to walk in the backyard to look at it. It is so nice to see water again and also see that our dock held up in the brutul ice and winter. I can't wait till June when it will probaly be warm enough to swim in. I really look forward to swimming and floating around in the lake.
Today, is actually nice enough to bbq. How I have missed my Green Egg. I look forward to getting back to using it a lot as it is so idiot proof and easy to cook on. I really do need easy and healthy at the minute. I also always have loved no dishes. I hate washing dishes. I love easy clean up also. I like anything that makes life easier.
I did manage to walk around slowly yesterday and throw some grass seed out to reseed the lawn. You can't go wrong with grass seed that will grow on cement:) It is lovely grass when it grows so easy and you don't have to do all the complicate reseeding methods and watering all the time. I had J do the fertlizing this year. I just love nice grass that is soft that you can go barefooted on. I hate shoes and socks. Have had my sandals on for awhile even though it has been cold. Oh the freedom of sandals and not heavy clunky snow boots. I literally lost a good 5-10 pounds shedding those boots. Story on my snow boots was I accidently bought construction , steel shanked ones with steel toes in them. They where so warm and like wearing weighs around my ankles I kept them. I'm really like that story princess and the pea when it comes to finding just the right boot. I have like four pairs of various ugly snow boots. I love various shoes if I have to wear them. Love the different sandals and tennis shoes. Blackflie season will be shortly here and I will have to put the shoes back on to not get ate up.
It is very important to enjoy the nice weather because when the trilliums come up the blackflies will be out. They last a couple of weeks hopefully. The mosqutioes last longer but I don't hate them as much. I had the garden dug awhile back so will have J start planting. I was going to do it sooner but life came knocking. I look forward to puttering around the garden this year. I planted one last year and the girls (dogs) died and I had no passion for much and let it go. I can't believe Spud has been gone for almost a year. It seemed just like yesterday. I can actually finally think of her without crying and actually smile some. I still have my moments since both Spud and Flora died so close together. Next week , I have to deal with Brett and the vet. I postponed it till this coming Thursday and I won't be happy but I think I can deal with it. Either they can help him or I will have to think about putting him down. The old man has been through so much with me and has been such a loyal friend. But I'm prepared. I have been through so much this past last year nothing is much of a surpise to me and really has taught me I can deal with just about anything. It has also taught me to enjoy the small moments also as anything or anyone can be here one moment and gone the next. I have had grief in the past but this last year I really had to deal with it and really go through the stages and just not just get stuck.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the nice day. Absorb the sun and try to have fun and not take myself that serious.
The ice went out of the lake about a week ago . I think anyway. I just managed the other day to walk in the backyard to look at it. It is so nice to see water again and also see that our dock held up in the brutul ice and winter. I can't wait till June when it will probaly be warm enough to swim in. I really look forward to swimming and floating around in the lake.
Today, is actually nice enough to bbq. How I have missed my Green Egg. I look forward to getting back to using it a lot as it is so idiot proof and easy to cook on. I really do need easy and healthy at the minute. I also always have loved no dishes. I hate washing dishes. I love easy clean up also. I like anything that makes life easier.
I did manage to walk around slowly yesterday and throw some grass seed out to reseed the lawn. You can't go wrong with grass seed that will grow on cement:) It is lovely grass when it grows so easy and you don't have to do all the complicate reseeding methods and watering all the time. I had J do the fertlizing this year. I just love nice grass that is soft that you can go barefooted on. I hate shoes and socks. Have had my sandals on for awhile even though it has been cold. Oh the freedom of sandals and not heavy clunky snow boots. I literally lost a good 5-10 pounds shedding those boots. Story on my snow boots was I accidently bought construction , steel shanked ones with steel toes in them. They where so warm and like wearing weighs around my ankles I kept them. I'm really like that story princess and the pea when it comes to finding just the right boot. I have like four pairs of various ugly snow boots. I love various shoes if I have to wear them. Love the different sandals and tennis shoes. Blackflie season will be shortly here and I will have to put the shoes back on to not get ate up.
It is very important to enjoy the nice weather because when the trilliums come up the blackflies will be out. They last a couple of weeks hopefully. The mosqutioes last longer but I don't hate them as much. I had the garden dug awhile back so will have J start planting. I was going to do it sooner but life came knocking. I look forward to puttering around the garden this year. I planted one last year and the girls (dogs) died and I had no passion for much and let it go. I can't believe Spud has been gone for almost a year. It seemed just like yesterday. I can actually finally think of her without crying and actually smile some. I still have my moments since both Spud and Flora died so close together. Next week , I have to deal with Brett and the vet. I postponed it till this coming Thursday and I won't be happy but I think I can deal with it. Either they can help him or I will have to think about putting him down. The old man has been through so much with me and has been such a loyal friend. But I'm prepared. I have been through so much this past last year nothing is much of a surpise to me and really has taught me I can deal with just about anything. It has also taught me to enjoy the small moments also as anything or anyone can be here one moment and gone the next. I have had grief in the past but this last year I really had to deal with it and really go through the stages and just not just get stuck.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the nice day. Absorb the sun and try to have fun and not take myself that serious.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Rat...A...Tat..Tat
I have been pretty busy the last past two days. My mood is climbing. I don't know if I like it or not. I'm getting things done though and that is good. It is my cycle though to start climbling this time of year. I think I gave it an extra push last week with the SAD lamp. It works just like an anti-depressant. Which everyone knows bipolar people should discontinue when it makes you manic or pushes towards mania. It really is a fine line. Just glad I caught it before I totally pushed myself over the edge.
Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.
I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .
Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.
Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.
Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.
I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .
Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.
Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
All Over
I don't know where I'm going with this post as I seem scattered and overwhelmed. I guess I will start with I got all the yard work done for the dog's invisible fence people . They did a great job installing it and we have been training the dogs twice a day. We have to have them chained up for a week until they understand their boundaries. It is coming along great. It is day three of it and we will up the radio waves on the collar and it will be more of a vibration if they challenge the boundary lines.
I have started to tackle the house and it is a huge job as I really haven't done anything in months. I did take a break yesterday from everything as I was just real worn from all the heavy work around the yard and my body would not take anymore. I had a nice time watching pure crap on t.v. and eating a ton of vegetables and fruits as that seemed to be what my body has been lacking and craving. I really don't know what I want to tackle today as it really looks like a bomb was set off in this house. I will probably do some errands today such as going to the dump and getting some cancer sticks(cigs)out on the Indian rez as they are about half the price as they are at the regular store. It wouldn't hurt me to get cleaned up as I have been in work clothes for days followed by my pjs.
I hope I can get the kinks out of my brain and start thinking in a more linear fashion. It would make it so much easier to get things done and not be all over the place. I really need to make myself a list but they don't help much as I basically know what I need to do but still skip all over the place.
I have started to tackle the house and it is a huge job as I really haven't done anything in months. I did take a break yesterday from everything as I was just real worn from all the heavy work around the yard and my body would not take anymore. I had a nice time watching pure crap on t.v. and eating a ton of vegetables and fruits as that seemed to be what my body has been lacking and craving. I really don't know what I want to tackle today as it really looks like a bomb was set off in this house. I will probably do some errands today such as going to the dump and getting some cancer sticks(cigs)out on the Indian rez as they are about half the price as they are at the regular store. It wouldn't hurt me to get cleaned up as I have been in work clothes for days followed by my pjs.
I hope I can get the kinks out of my brain and start thinking in a more linear fashion. It would make it so much easier to get things done and not be all over the place. I really need to make myself a list but they don't help much as I basically know what I need to do but still skip all over the place.
Monday, June 28, 2010
When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonaide
I'm up very early this morning. It has been awhile since, I have got up so early. It is so nice and quiet. I'm drinking coffee and wondering what to blog as nothing particular has been different in my life lately. With it raining a lot , I don't get out much. I did go on a date with J last week and it was fun. We went out to eat and came home to watch a movie. I think it is important not to get into a rut with a relationship. It made for a nice date and we had nice food. Other than that it has been a ton of trudging day to day with life. I have been trying to get out of my rut but I guess I'm not fighting hard enough as I just keep on going in circles. I went off the anti-depressant as I found myself sleeping more and being less productive. My mind just felt like a bag of skittles that busted on the floor. It was all over the place. As much as I detest psych meds I occasional take them when I need to have some adhesive for my brain. I started some haldol and it has been great at holding my fleeting brain together. I will do that until this mood passes and I'm a little more stable like I was in the past. It is a little disheartening that I was pretty OK for 2 years and how I can just fall to pieces this year. I guess it is the nature of the bipolar beast. Back to the basics again and less excuses .
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Life
I haven't blogged in awhile and thought I would do a little update. Everything is going real well for the most part. I have been real busy with the yard and getting ready for summer. I felt better last week so even got a golf membership at the golf club. I also got a Big Green Egg . A Big Green Egg is a Grill, BBQ, Smoker and Bakes all in one. It is the most fantastic grill out there that is charcoal. I love it as it can grill so fast and maintain any temp. I seared some steaks the other day with it and they where excellent. I have mainly been outside in this wonderful weather we have been having. It is raining this week though . I have a ton to do in the house this week and don't look forward to getting it done. It is mostly cleaning and spring cleaning. I just loath cleaning most of the time. Even worse I need to declutter which just brings anxiety. I don't know what to do with J's junk and treasures. Most of the house is filled with J's junk as all my stuff is in storage from moving here permanently last year. I have to say it is nice not leaving in two different houses in two different countries . I dragged my stuff back for years and it has been nice to see the seasons change and make plans this year. It will be going on a year that I have lived here straight in June. Even in the previous years that I have lived here seasonal, I have done every season but not the spring season. Mainly, March till May and it is nice this year even though it is odd weather and warmer than it every has been in 63 years. I'm definitely going to enjoy it . I look forward to the warmer weather so I can put a garden in also. I have many things planned and look forward to writing more in my blog.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)