Hoilday Season

The snow has been very abundant. In the past two weeks we have had between 75-100 cms dumped in a very short time. The weather has been sporadic and wild. I have tried to stay in and not go to town on the bad driving days . I have been very busy on the nicer days to get groceries and do the minimal Christmas thing. Finally, shipped off some final presents and wrapped up Christmas shopping. Except I have to figure out what to get my partner.
I'm not in the Christmas spirit. I could really care less about it but feel guilty for not buying into the whole holiday season spirit. I really hate Christmas music also. I can't wait till they stop playing it on the radio. I rarely listen to the radio anyway so it doesn't effect me much. I listen in the mornings for the weather report and to get a sense of what is going on in town. The town I live near is so small that you really don't get a sense of what is going on except for the local newspaper, which isn't much of a newspaper . It is better than nothing though. The radio station falls into that category also. It just plain sucks. I listen for the weather and what is going on in town. Other than that I listen to satellite radio and my ipod. I can't pick up except one station on the regular radio. The reception is so bad .
I'm excited about all the snow. This is my second time I have spent a winter here. I love the cold and the snow. I'm really a cold weather person and enjoy it more when it settles down and after the solstice when the days get a little longer. I think there is about 7-8 hours of sunlight at the moment. When it is blizzard after blizzard their isn''t much sunlight though. I really enjoy the colder days when it doesn't snow as much. It gets very bright.
I have been basically surving my depression since last month but it is getting more functional. I was so paralyzed up until the last week and a half. The sublingual b-12 has been helping. I also been taking a b-complex which also seems to be helping. I thought once it started to accumulate snow I would feel better and I was right. Everything looks so dead until it snows. It is so grey and depressing during the transition of winter. The snow makes everything so vibrant. I also have been eating more balanced meals, which I think is very important. I can really feel it when I eat like crap. I still don't feel like cooking very much but it is getting a little easier. I eat dinner at lunch because it is easier to make and I have more energy during that period of day. I eat lunch at dinner time because I have no energy in the evenings. It works for me. I have blew through my depression food reserves of things I froze when I don't feel like cooking. When I feel a little better I will get busy stocking up again. I have also started using heavy paper plates which I don't like. I have an objection with using disposable things. It is a waste and not good for the landfills. I'm just trying to survive at the moment and dirty dishes just don't get done if I have a ton of them. I will go back to my more conservative ways after I'm done with this mood. I do cringe at the short cuts I'm taking with easy things to cut corners with cooking and general everyday life. It isn't cost effective but it does the trick when your barely making it. I have let everything pile up again and I'm slowly digging out of the mess. The house is a mess , everything has tended to be put off and I'm trudging my way through it gradually. Generally, I can make myself do things depressed. I haven't been able this time up until lately. I have managed to seat in the same place for weeks in the corner of the couch watching endless non-sense on the tv. I knew I felt a little better the other day grabbing a newspaper from the stand. I actually read it and thought oh finally something worth filling my head with instead of crap. My moods make my taste different. Generally, I wouldn't be caught died watching all the reality tv, I have been watching. It doesn't require thinking and for that when I'm in a paralyzing depression it is good. I have began to think again a little. Now to get up the energy to do the things I love in the winter. Gradually, I will get there.

I have alot planned for this week also. I have alot of catching up to do . Truck serviced, hair cut, finalize my Xmas shopping with my last presents. Also , get the stuff to make a small Xmas dinner. I'm thinking more snack food instead of the all the traditional fare. I have been snacking on different candy though and need to stop as I don't want to gain weight. I also picked up the dogs some gravy coated bones for the Holiday season. It seems they sell a bunch of junk for humans and pets this time of year. Unlike my furry friends which I can control how much I give t hem, I can't control most of the time the amount of junk I eat. I will purge the house of all junk after the first of the year. I can't get into the Christmas spirit but I can get into the spirit of junk food like candy, cookies and appetizers.
I have to get to starting the day. Hopefully , I will start updating this blog more often.

Winter is Has Began

I haven't written in awhile. I have been very depressed. My depression has been as dark as the days of winter. I haven't had much to say and really haven't done much except watch tons of tv. Which is not like me. Since the weather has changed into snow, I have felt better. The other day the snow began . It was a glorious 15cm (5.9 inches) Over night we where suppose to get any where between 15-25cm inches. It is starting to feel like winter. I really love the cold most of the time even though it isn't all that cold at the moment. It is around 30F most of the time during the day so far. I have started to start trudging through my depression a little at a time and trying to get in the spirit of Christmas. I wish this month would go by quickly. Maybe, at the last minute I will get into the Holiday spirit. I just feel it is a added burden that I just don't need in the scheme of life. Life at the moment is hard enough to get motivated with at the moment. I do look forward to this winter though. I have a lot of plans for it. Last winter was my first in Ontario and I loved it. I never knew I liked snow that much and the cold. I'm still learning how to walk on it without falling. I thought I mastered it last year and forgot. I also forgot how the sky can be so dark when snow is pouring out of the sky. I'm hoping to get some photography done this coming week. Everything has been a chore , even the fun things. I'm starting to gradually breathe life again. I'm still depressed but not as severe. The best thing though is I'm sleeping like a normal person again. I actually sleep 8-9 hours straight through a night . I no longer wake up in the wee hours of the morning. I'm gradually crawling out of my hole since the snow has started. I have also forgot how much I hate all the winter clothes though. All the layers,heavy jacket, heavy snow boots. I just hate shoes period. I'm not fond of much clothes either. I like my skin to breath. With it not being very cold I find myself with all different kinds of jackets. I never knew why my partner had so many jackets now I know why. This area has so many different temps. All varieties of cold. I would burn up in a down jacket right now. Next month I will probably need it. I also have three different boots I use in the winter. I have waterproof hiking boots when there isn't much snow. I have snowmobile boots, when it is dumping tons of snow and cold. I also have what I call town boots when everything is settled and I don't do anything else except shopping. It looks like we will be blowing out the driveway now. I can't believe how snow can accumulate so fast. I guess until Georgian bay freezes over there will be tons of snow. I hope it makes up time with dumping snow because last year at this time we had 100cm of snow already. I'm really looking forward to skiing this winter and winter photography. This year I'm getting some snow shoes so I can get out in the bush and take better pictures. Oh winter calls me this morning to get busy since I have been sitting on my butt for the last three weeks.

Content Ramblings

Lately, I'm content or complacent. After, a mixed mood, that was more agitation than depression, it seems like I finally pulled through. I cross my fingers because I don't want it coming back again. I can look forward to the mixed episode every November and I'm finally getting past it. I feel much relief with hardly any anxiety and almost a normal feeling. I have no compulsive anything going on.It feels nice to be boring.
I thought I was slipping into a depression. I still have to watch for that and be vigilant. I have to not let myself slip hard into a winter depression. I was not going to town and finally did after 5 days of being at home. I really had no need to go out other than I needed to for myself. I had a good time when I told myself oh why go out it is boring. I went out for a slice of pizza and enjoyed it. I didn't much have to go shopping but did manage some bargains at Walmart about the only game in the town I live in. I found a plant for 1.95 can't beat that. I also found an Amaryllis to bloom in the winter indoors. Flowers are important to me in the winter when nothing flourishes outside and makes my mood feel better seeing living things. I also started another batch of cat grass for the cat. I think I'm seeing green grass in the winter even though it is a patch. The cat enjoys it also and it helps keep her out of my other plants that she so loves to harass and tear up.
Sleeping .... I'm not to worried about my sleep because I do sleep but just not when other people do. I go to bed about 6-7pm and sleep till about 3-4am. It will change in time and I will get on schedule with what people think the norm is. Sometimes, you just have to be thank-full that you sleep at all. I know I'm and I have a productive life most of the time. I think you have to do what works for you. Bipolar people don't all come in one size or shape even though they want you to think treatment is the same for everyone. It isn't and I have found you need to do what works for you.
I know when I start getting into a rut I need to do something fun even if I don't think it is fun at the time. It is funny how at the time I make myself do something I don't think it is fun but when I look back at it I'm thank-full that I did it and it seems to build on it's self. Sometimes, I have to many rules for myself and think I need to do chores or something before I have fun. After, I do such and such I will do something fun. Well, to get my motivation for such and such I need fun in my life and not a lot of shoulds at the moment.
Today.... I don't really know what I'm going to do today. I have an idea that I will do some tidying up and watch some movies that I need to send back. Maybe, get my rear in gear and make something tasty. The sky has been overcast for about 3 days and I can either swear at it or do something inside that I like. I have more plants to transplant also. I like puttering around the house at times and look actually forward to it today. I would also be content just watching a movie also since I don't feel like I have ants in my pants anymore.

Ho Hum

I have been in a different mood lately. It is more of low grade depression. I actually don't mind it as I'm content with doing hardly nothing. My sleep is better but I still get up in the wee hours of the morning but take a huge nap around 6 get up around 10 then go back to sleep till 4. It is wacked because I'm missing my evening television. Not like most of the shows, I watch are so thought provoking that missing them makes me upset. I just like some of them and miss being up in the evening. I'm slowing down enough to read again and I really can get into that. I love reading and look forward to reading the many books I can read when I'm in that mood frame. Sometimes , just starting a book is hard and when I do I just buss through it ,if it is interesting.
It is funny the different mood spectrums what I can get done or what I can't get done and I embrace each spectrum as it brings me something different in my life. I feel like I'm finally on vacation now and relaxing. I think I will be back to a productive mood once it snows here .