I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.
I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.
I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.