Sunday, November 28, 2010

Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.


  1. are you done beating yourself up? pretty good rant there missy. you sound like me, but did a much better job at letting it all out. feel better?? i sure hope you do. i get it kris. really i do. i feel the same way -- i just don't have the booze to lean on. God knows i have sure had it on my mind a lot lately-- like a couple months of it. but, i think you know - for me , one is never enough, and a hundred .. ha-- well, still, never enough. so , that is a luxury i cannot afford . sucks for me, cuz it's just one more thing to get pissed off about. don't even wanna risk it -- because 'i might get in trouble.'
    anyhow-- it sounds like you have yourself on the right track. everything starts with a plan, right? you may not have realized it - but you already have begun.. with the lamp. you've prepared yourself -- to be prepared. right? now, "just do the next right thing" - for YOU. nobody else. just for you.
    like you- i let this past year eat me alive. not this next one. i do sit here and look around, or worse-- think. there is so so much that needs to be done in and with my life, and everyone, and everything in it... the mere thought of acting on the thoughts , paralyze me . nothing gets started. but everything has to start somewhere. today , really -- just before i came over here -- i was thinkin about this very same stuff.. and i realized -- "it all starts with ME'. it's time to stop depending on other people for MY happiness, and just GET THE HELL UP -- and get it done. ok.. started. it starts with me, and it starts with ONE thing at a time. i can't look at the big picture anymore. it's too much for me. overwhelming. it keeps me stuck. from here on out -- it has to be baby bites for me. or i will accomplish nuthing. and that will take me nowhere.
    thanks for lettin me see that in a different kinda way. ha! see? you thought you were just rantin didn't ya? we just never know where our ramble-ness will take someone else.

    i hope you found your cat. i feel really bad about that. i've lost pets before - i'm thinkin of ya - don't think i forget about ya
    and hey -- stop kickin yourself !
    if you do -- maybe i will too.
    hang in there -- believe it or not-- you are not alone --

  2. oops-- i posted in your box. :(( sorry. it happens sometimes. not in a loooong time tho-- feel spethal dontchya?

  3. Thanks for commenting. I have beat myself up good and needed it to get back on track. I have been so over-whelmed for awhile looking at the big picture and not chunking it down to do -able projects. I have been cleaning to day and it helps me think believe it or not since it is so brainless and horrible to do. I have been giving a plan a thought and serious thought.
    I know I really shouldn't drink I can relate to everything you said about your drinking and have stopped for a years then binged stopped and began. I need to just stop all together and ride out the uncomfortable like you. I admire that and being responsibile about not getting into trouble doing it. I have got myself into such binds doing it and several dwi's to the point I still can't drive. I know better but don't keep things in check like anxiety etc and give in. Not anymore though . I have used enough excuses for a life time.
    I haven't found the cat yet and don't think I will. We have had almost a foot of snow and before that it was real cold. Oh and these animals called fishers are cat killers around here. They look like seals on legs to me. Actually , I think they are huge weasels. I have done everything I could think of to get her back with rewards, posters, radio , newspaper etc. I just need to move on and if she isn't back by next week put her stuff up and wait awhile to get another one. It makes me so sad. I have put so much money and love into that cat.

  4. i'm really sorry about your cat. i do hope she comes home. ya never know. but yeh, if not, i'm sure there's another one waiting for you somewhere.

    anyhow-- keep on truckin kris -- one chunk at a time right?