Blah Blah... Ramble

I'm seating here in the early morning by myself. It is wonderful except , the satellite radio cutting up. I finally turned it off for the regular radio that gets one station. J can't hear the radio in the room I'm in so she sleeps without me being disruptive . I don't know what to call the room I'm in except it has a J's computer, thousands of books and crap loads of junk. It reminds me I'm going to have to get on the ball to figure out where to put J's drum set so I can make room for a treadmill. Very weird room indeed.

Yesterday, was J's 60Th birthday. J was in a horrible mood for most of the day. I asked why and never got an explanation except don't I understand moods . I do but I also know when in a mood their are things that actually bug you whether logical or not. I left it alone for the rest of the day . I eventually said I have tried everything to make a nice day for you and your being a bitch. I'm tired of it . Being surrounded by negativity all day just made me tired and a bit bitchy myself. I made a nice dinner and around this time j was coming around but I was by this time irritable. I made ribs, scalloped potatoes and zucchini. Nice but simple. We shot fireworks off around 6-7sh as it was pitch black and neither one of us was going to stay up till 12. We both had a laugh that it hurt our back to bend down and light all of them and it tired us out. We had a lot of left over fireworks from July 1st and July 4th. We sort of celebrate both countries holidays when it suits us or we are in the mood. We both weren't in the mood last year. We where still dealing with the death of my Father and Grandmother that happened the previous month days apart from each other. I do have to say time does help as I'm not as raw with the grief. It isn't as tremendous anymore and I do get a good laugh more often thinking about the two. I still get teary when I seen some things over the holidays such as the horrible x-mas specials . My father loved all x-mas specials . No matter how cornball or terribly made. Overall, I don't live in overwhelming grief anymore and really feel my life is back to normal as much is it ever can be. It probably helps a lot that during the time from June to current my mother calls almost everyday. Not for me but for her. By helping my mother with her grief it got me through mine. My mother is just starting to live her life again. She recently in the past month got an exchange student to live with her. it keeps her on her toes as the exchange student is a teen-ager. She also went to visit my brother out in Portland Oregon during the holidays. She never has visited him there. She isn't a big fan as she says it rains all the time and doesn't have much sunlight like the Midwest. My daughter also went with my mother to visit. I was a little jealous that they didn't come and visit me for two weeks. I got over it as they came and visited last year. I probably be tearing my hair out also as both of them stress me badly in person. I'm much better on the phone. I can always hang up and just go on about life after a phone call. Plus, I will probably see them this year anyway. I just have to laugh in a cynical way that when they went to visit my brother he was flat broke and has had my mother pick up everything. I shake my head as I could never invite someone to visit me and have them pick up the tab for everything. Also, being flat broke and wanting things that are pricey to cook and go out to eat. I really think the nerve of some people. My mother doesn't have to spend a dime when she visits .

I really don't know what point I'm trying to make. It just sort of rambles into many topics. I look forward to start the day. I will make some sort of turkey dinner with thighs and eat my black eye peas this year. I generally do but haven't in 2 years and I haven't had good luck those years I didn't eat them. I'm pretty sure I would of had bad years those years anyway:) I have a ton of organizing and cleaning to do. The house is still chaotic with plaster dust and boxes. I'm sorting through them but slowly since I have had the flu. I'm also slowly purging stuff. Did I ever mention I hate the color the bathroom is? I hate the colour. We picked a darker green and the green we got was a yellowish green. Or as we referee to it as baby shit green. It is a very hard green to match things up with. I did end up finding a shower curtain in this one horse town. I was surprised. We where just going to buy any shower curtain until we go to the city. The nearest bigger city is 90 miles away. I found a shower curtain that actually matches well as it has bamboo plants on it. Shocked me. I went with tooth brush holders and soap holders in a brushed nickle. As, all the fixtures are brushed nickle. Took me about 5 minutes to pick out. I was shocked about how simple it was and I didn't have to rack my brain to find what is hard to match. I still don't have a mirror or medicine cabinet in the bathroom. The contractor was suppose to put the old one back and it managed to end up in the dumpster. It is real hard to fix my hair. I blow dry it some and then slip into the bedroom to look in a smallish mirror that looks like a porthole on a ship to check if my hair is not sticking up all over the place. This week we will just get a mirror to hang in that place. My hair is so overgrown and needs cut so bad anyway. The lack of a mirror makes my hair look like a horror show. I have went months without a haircut since the last haircut was a butcher job. I still refuse to spend what I was spending on my hair so I suspect I will get another butcher job. I have been through so many hair dressers and even barbers in this town. I'm running out. Either I hate the way they cut my hair or I don't like their personality. I love the personality of the last person that butchered my hair but I just can't go through another butchering. I'm real picky/ neurotic about my hair in my own way. Basically , I like it real neat and soft. I also like it to only take a couple of minutes to fix. One time I shaved my head when I was going through a psychotic episode and discovered how much time I wasted on long hair and never have went back to long hair. I love wash and wear with a little blow drying now. Neither do I want to be bald. That was pretty terrible and I looked extremely odd at the time. I was just thankful it was wintrier so I could always wear a hat of some sort. Just thinking about how badly I was doing at the time makes me cringe. Knock on wood I haven't been to that state in years now. I always know no matter what I do I could end up there again someday as it comes out of the blue for me. I'm just in a safer place now and keep to myself so less likely to be thrown in the hospital which always made it worse for me. It also seems not being heavily medicated helps with not getting to that point also.

Again, rambling, I will end now and not subject you to more crap out of my brain.