I'm Back

I don't know where to start. If anyone has noticed, I have been gone for over 5 months. Short and sweet my life fell apart. We had a very brutal winter. I just came down from one hell of a mania this winter and crashed. To top it off my spouse has been very very ill and is dying. I have been learning to cope with it. It hasn't been a easy ride. Plus , I cope with chronic pain myself and taking care of J is so exhausting to my body.
     My new role has became a caretaker or better known as a personal support worker. My body and mind has and still is adjusting to this. J got so sick this winter that she was bed ridden. Now, J is now stabilizing and can get around with a cane and wheel-chair. J went from fat to morbid obesity and pushing a wheel chair has took it's toll on my body, so has lifting on and off the couch, in and out of the shower and in and out of the bed. |My brain has also had to adjust to waiting on someone hand and foot and how demanding it is to take care of every need J has.

The hard part though is seeing someone I love muscles waste away. Watch an independent person be waited on and have to be pushed to her doctors appointments because it is to far for her to walk. To know it is all a guess game about the prognosis. Trying far  to be there emotionally when my best friend might just drop dead tomorrow. I have done my fair share of crying. I have been at times angry. At times, I'm fine. Anymore, I'm pretty accepting even though I don't like it.

I have  tried to make life pretty normal and go on like nothing has been happening. Very few people know what is going on or just vaguely know. It is J's wishes to be private. It has been hell for me to be so private about it that I just don't share period . I have shared with a few people but not to any depth. People just don't know what to say. I wouldn't either to someone close. Maybe, I would say my ear is open. I would love to just voice my frustrations sometimes to get through  another day .

One thing I have learned in this shit storm is to take life a day at a time. I know, it sounds so cliche . All, I really have energy for is sometimes minute, hour , day. I don't have many options to not get up every day and deal with it. I can't hide. I can't shut myself up in the house and  be a hermit anymore. It rattles me to the core someday with anxiety.  I can hear my head. It says how in the hell can you get through this situation? My head says, I don't know but you have to. I just try not to think about anything and just do it. I also get a little help from my friend weed. It works better than anything I have ever took for anxiety and pain. So, judge if you want. It has been a god send.

More later.....