I love the morning. It is so quiet in the house except for the occasional meow or dog wanting to go outside. It is my time of day. I have no demands at all this time of day. I have actually missed my early morning routines. I started to watch murder mysteries with J instead of going to bed early.
When the day officially begins is when J wakes up. It is loads of pills, breakfeast, coffee and anything J wants and of course the tv starts. The blasted tv is on usually for hours. I have started to really hate the tv with a passion. It is so dismal. I usually clean, cook and wait on J, watch tv, go to appointments, and occasionally have my own appointments.
Yesterday, was one of those days that I had an appointment of my own. I had an appointment for my feet yesterday with my massage therapist. My feet are really bad lately. My tendons are flared up and I have muscle that tries to adhere to places where it isn't suppose to be. , Plantar issues are some of my issues with my feet also. Anyways, I went for a half and hour to get my scar tissues busted up in my feet. Not fun but worth it. I don't drive so I had to have J take me. This is a nightmare for J to take me anywhere. All I heard how she had to seat in the truck for a half and hour. How horrible that is and etc. The day before I had to leave the house at 9 in the morning for her doctors appointment so I could push her wheelchair but never did I bitch about it. It is a nightmare getting everything ready for a morning appointment. I wont schedule an appointment until the afternoon . I heard about my appointment for hours yesterday like I was going on a vacation for pleasure of something. It is terrible to ever have an appointment of my own.
J was psychotic yesterday. I dread those days. I can just look at J and say anything and J burst into tears. I can say anything and J gets angry and rageful. I can also say nothing and the rage boils because .... I haven't guessed or conjured my crystal ball for the right thing or answer . I forgot to add how really screwed up the thinking and hallucinations can be. J is bipolar also. It is a curious combo when you have a very sick mentally ied and physically ill person to take care of. It just drives me up a pole some days. Most days , I just ignore the verbal diarrhea that comes out of J's mouth. Some days, I tell J off and confront the illogical thinking. Yesterday, I tried to ignore it . Didn't work. I confronted it and by golly somewhere in the recesses of that dark brain of J's she took extra anti-psychotic. It wiped J out enough to sleep.
I have not a clue what today holds . I can guess it probaly won't be goood. It will start with the usual demands , then shit will hit the fan because I have no mushrooms for mushroom omelets. I was to tired yesterday to pick some up. Oh , I will pay for that with, J grumbling about mushrooms until I go to the store. Thinking about how unreasonable J has got is tiring. I feel like the maid. The help. It does get old.
That peaceful part of the morning you described at the beginning sounds like a wonderful gift. I rarely experience anything like that. I wish I did.
ReplyDeleteYou have such a great way of articulating your experiences.
It is so tiring already to be in pain. Especially foot pain. I'm glad you're getting that looked after.
You can only do what you can do. You offer to help, you do everything you can, and you do your best, its so obvious that you do! You can't control her reactions. Just remember that you can only do your part and the way that she reacts isn't a reflection on whether or not you've done a good enough job, its a reflection on where she is at mentally and emotionally. If you can try to realize that in the moment, it might help you to separate yourself a little bit. xo
You are definitely in a tough situation. It hurts my heart to read it. I am glad you are back to writing... Because i know it is a good release for you, and also that you do write well, so yeh, it has to be helpful.
ReplyDeleteAlso... You and i relate so very well... We always have. Too bad that 'ticket' you mentioned isn't a reality. But hey... If it ever happens to become 'a wild hair' - just say the word! And we shall see. !!!!
( can ya tell my own writing has gone out the window? Ugh, it used to flow like a faucet). But, i try.
Anyhow..... If you can enjoy those quiet mornings, do it. That time is important.
I heard. Line in a movie the other day. " place your own oxygen mask on, before helping others" --- or some such thing. Talking about being on an airplane, using the oxygen mask. You need to help yourself, before you can help anyone else.
It made sense to me when i heard it. Even tho, many of us don't find that to come naturally to us... If we are taking care of others all the time.
Ya know?
Anyhow.... Just take care of YOU
I think of you lots
;))