Project Christmas

I have made Christmas into a little project for my self. It seems I like projects and it distracts me from my mood. I got all my Christmas shopping done before December with a click of a mouse. So much cheaper to ship since everything I give is shipped to someone. Most places even have free shipping to Canada this time of year also. I use American web sights for the Americans on my list. I think it took me a hour  to shop for 6 people. I also bought me some gifts as well. The one for you one for me thing.

I finally got my tree done and cards all sent out. Actually even put up more decorations. I haven't decorated in 3 years. Did most of my grocery shopping for Christmas yesterday. Since it is just me and J on Christmas. I asked J what reminded her of x-mas . I thought myself and bought stuff that I could fix that where in both our traditions . J is second generation Brit. I don't feel like a Christmas pudding but bought a easy mix for it. I also don't bake. Problem solved order cookies from the bakery. I'm not going to slave over shortbread type cookies. I did say although I would be willing to try to make rum balls. I like cooking but loath baking or candy making. My favorite thing about the holidays is snacking. I don't much care for turkey. So I bought J a thigh and a drumstick to get her turkey fix. That is what she likes. I like ham. Bought a easy to fix spiral ham for sandwiches and other meals. Easy to freeze also when sick of all the ham, i like making salads, and trays of cheeses , dips, snacks, seafood. Anything pickled also. It is my time of gluttony when it comes to food. I will pay the price and end up on a diet in Jan and a membership to the gym. To me though it is worth it. I only do this once a year.

Project Christmas also makes me really clean the house. I like that it does because my mood is shit in November and December. It also makes me pamper myself. Which I really don't do. I cashed in all my points from the drug mart and bought me perfume. I got a 85 dollar of perfume for free. I received 105 dollars credit. I put the rest towards another 65 dollar bottle of perfume. So I got myself cheap perfume which would of been a burden otherwise. I also treated my stress out and in pain self to a two hour massage. I generally only get a hour massage that really focuses on on my shoulders. .Two hours and I got places poked and rubbed that I never knew hurt. I have been in a better mood every since. I'm still a little sore though from the rub but it is a good sore as it really released a lot of tension and the break up of scar tissue.

It made me ignore the fact the microwave went out and the call to the plumber to get the air out of our water system after the water froze. It also made me ignore that the tv is on it's last leg. I heard myself say oh well it's life. Went out and bought a new microwave and tv. It kind of made me sad that I had to dig into some money that shouldn't be touched. But was happy I could replace it. I'm not going to let anything bum me until after the holidays and hopefully I will make myself tackle another project as it seems to keep me from my negative neurotic self.

Pink

I was wondering what I was doing last year in December so I checked out my blog. We where remodeling our house. Spent 15 days here last December it was a horrible motel. Take a look. Pink walls will all kinds of sports junk on the walls. I have to say this year is much tamer even if I'm not feeling it.

I really didn't do anything for Christmas last year except unpack the house and get it in order. We had our bathroom gutted and kitchen remodeled . Funny thing the house is a mess right now. I can count on my house being a mess every winter as my mood is crap. I have been gradually cleaning it up again. The snow does help my mood as it makes it brighter. We have been getting snow gradually and for that I'm fortunate.

I haven't been to the store in a week. The last time I went I about threw up. I don't cry so when I get overwhelmed with anxiety I gag and throw up. I feel this is a much better week to go shopping and hopefully I wont get overwhelmed with all the people and forget half of the stuff I went shopping for. I hate wasting gas since I don't live in town . The weather also varies much from where I live to town also. But I have been making smaller trips to avoid the crowds and overwhelming anxiety.

Can't wait to get more snow so I can do some cross country skiing. My ski's are very dusty. I haven't used them in I think 2 winters.

On the last note my cat has been driving me insane. I switched her food to a grain free wet food and she hates it. She meows and tries to break things all the time. She is gradually accepting it. I hope she accepts it before my nerves are shot from all the meowing and getting into things.  

December

It has been awhile since I have wrote. My mood has been all over the place and I guess I'm mixed. Between mania and depression. Mix in feelings of grief. I had to put my dog of 13 years asleep a couple of weeks ago right after our trip my my in-laws in Cambridge. He got real sick in Cambridge and when we brought him home we had him put down.
  I have been drinking more than I usually do also. Probably because my anxiety is off the charts this time of year. I have managed to do all the x-mas shopping and just started decorating. Like any of it matters much. I'm just not in a great mood  and it sure colours everything else going on .

Money

My mood has been about the same depressed. I stopped the light for about a week because it was making me have more anxiety and I seemed my agitated. I will start it back up but probably with a lower amount of time .Nothing worse for me than to be antsy , unfocused, and depressed

I have just been comfortable doing not much of anything. I really have to push myself to get anything done. I fall back with my escapism of the tv and the computer. It is almost a comfortable numb feeling. I also notice I have a very big appetite. It is awful where usually I can control my hunger. I don't even know if this is hunger or eating out of boredom or it taste good. I tend to have a big appetite depressed especially for carbs. I end up like the good year blimp in the winter. Then take it off all year long and put it back on again. I really need to stop this cycle. It has been going on since I have been living in Canada.

I haven't realized how stressed I have been. My eye twitches all the time anymore. It is so annoying. Mostly the stress has been money issues again. Every month , I'm shocked we have made it through the month. It feels like juggling torches and hoping one doesn't set me on fire. It will get better when we can cash in one of our investments when it matures this winter. That solves it a little but I have been trying to change our spending habits. I have cut and cut and cancelled things that we don't really need. I also been cutting food expenses. I have been cutting this for ages. Finding this blog helps really reduce the money I spend on meat. http://frugaleatingintoronto.blogspot.ca/  A very healthy eating blog. I haven't been excited about a food blog in awhile. This is a great frugal healthy blog. Generally if you get a frugal food blog it isn't healthy.

I have been poor at times in my life and always hated it but it really taught me to stretch a penny when you thought it wouldn't stretch anymore and would scream. My problem with that is I hate living like that and to be honest I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to spend when I want something. The bad thing is I can always justify it. It has to stop and every month I don't put my foot down on the spending we both do. This year sometime , I took over the fiances because it was to stressful for J. Assuming, I was better at creative budgeting.  It just makes my eye twitch. Some months are better than others depending on what new thing breaks down or situation comes up. It boils down really to the point whether or not I can say NO. See most broke or poor people realize when you have no money you don't come up with money to pay for it you just do without. J never has been broke. So it is hard for me to say NO. So, I borrow more money from a relative. Or J borrows from her parents. They get paid back when we get paid. J's parents get paid back when the investment reaches maturity. We have money but it is tied up. I could of died last month borrowing from my mother. She didn't like it either. I paid it back in two weeks. I haven't borrowed money from anyone in years.

All, this money stuff has me stressed to the max and also does my relationship but that is another story. It will work it's self out as it always does.

Boxes

Here is a little background so you can understand this post.I went to storage yesterday to deal with my storage of all my stuff from the states. I had it all shipped in 2009. I have picked at it a little here and there but never have dealt with it. For me to deal with it means the lost of my own home and my things. I left all my furniture in the states as we already had furniture. J house is full. To full for my things so I will just keep what matters to me and get rid of the rest.

I have been with J for 10 years and married 8. We had two homes one in the states which was mine . Hers in Canada. We went back and forth for years. Until 2009. I moved completely. It cost to much money to keep two homes every few months.

Anyway, it makes me sad to get rid of the majority of my stuff and also resentful because J hasn't gotten rid of hardly nothing that matters except the junk I delcuttered this year. That needed to go. It has brought up feelings how J hasn't had to give up much with my move and how it really has benefited J more than anyone.

I still after all these years really haven't made friends or have made much of a life for myself. I still miss the states at times but have settled OK in my isolation. It doesn't much help that I don't much care for the people in this town and wished I was in a bigger city but that isn't going to happen. I also have a hell of a time making friends.

I did decide this year I would get out and ski more which is more social.

Prepare

I broke down yesterday and did some extensive housework. Strike just hurts me just like others have commented. I did though get J to put together the spin bike. I had all the parts put out. I was also in one of those don't screw with me moods. I'm going to give the treadmill a week to be put together now. Exercise is hard in the winter with several feet of snow on the ground and I really need to be ready for winter.

I bought cross country skies several years back but haven't used them for the past two winters. My goal is to use them this year and take lessons to improve. I need to get out more and when I did ski I had a good winter. I have to stay active or I just fall into a big giant hole.

I have to set goals that are fun or I just don't do anything. I set this goal to get my house in tip top shape for the Grey Cup which is Canadian Football thing like the Super Bowl. The thing is I don't even like football but I like game food and a good party. I used to find an obscure holiday or anything to celebrate and decorate for and it seemed to keep me more mentally alert.

I have been in some sort of funk for the past two years and I have noticed that I just survive and I really want to do more than that. I like to have fun and do things. I really would like to stay active this winter and to enjoy it with all the neat outdoor activies. Just even planning for winter gets me excited. I'm going to go over to storage today and pick up some things for winter and my grey cup thing. We have a planned power outage so going shopping over at storage is great and kills time. It feels like shopping at a rummage shop and discovering all sorts of things I haven't seen in a couple of years.

Venting

Not long ago we went to see the elderly in-laws. Like always they are ailing and say they are fine and for us to butt out of it. It was a four day visit. We had a late Canadian thanksgiving with them.
That was nice because J's brother came and his wife.

That visit racks my nerves and it is hard for me to get back to normal after that trip. It also is very costly and makes for a short month where I had to borrow money from my mother to get to the end of the month.

My stress level has been climbing and so is my depression. I forgot my lamp so I was 4 days without it. Climbing back to my depression. I have been home for going on a week now and have been using it and it is again kicking me out of my depression and getting me back to living again.

The house looked like a bomb went off and I have been tackling that. Part of that was because I went on strike. To find out it didn't matter whether I went on strike it was all there for me to clean by myself. I can't go on strike any more because it just hurts me.

I have been wanting some projects around the house done for awhile and they never got done so after the exercise bike and treadmill has set there for a year . I'm going to try to tackle it myself . I got all the parts lined up this morning for the bike. Hopefully it will be done by tomorrow. I hate putting things together as I haven't done it very often but enough is enough and I need these machines since it is like monsoon season here with it raining most days for the past two months.

I'm feeling a little better but to feel much better I need to get the house in order how I want it because I can't live in chaos. Little things like J putting 4 tackle boxes in the living room just disturb me and when I ask for them to be picked up it is always an excuse . I just picked them up the other day.

Fall Leaves

Went and looked at the fall colours about a week or so ago while the leaves where still in peak. They have all but about blown away. This is just up the road from where we live. It was a rainy gloomy day but I had a lot of fun taking pictures and finding a little hole in the wall place to get a sandwich.

SAD Season

This has been a weird month of mostly being depressed for me. This years Seasonal Depression came early as so did the horrible rain and grey has been non-stop for almost the whole month sense I have wrote.

I did manage a vacation this year about this time last month for a week. I would love to say I wasn't depressed but I was. I really made the best of it and it went OK. We went up north for a week and instead of camping we stayed in a cabin. No phones, TV, or computer. I managed to sneak my satellite radio that half ass got reception. I was so delighted to listen to the CBC almost everyday. Or NPR which is a lot like the CBC in content. I was glad we stayed in a cabin because it was very cool and about rained the whole time. The little cabin only had a wood stove for heat. This is the view out the window. I also managed a few hikes even though my foot is buggered up. I seem to mess up my foot jogging and doing that yoga I was doing. The tendons and ligaments are pretty pooched. It hurt like hell to hike but it was so wonderful to be outside after I have planned this vacation for months and payed a small fortune for it. The thought of not hiking was more depressing than the pain. Here are some pictures from a little walk I had. I guess the pics aren't going in order and I'm to half awake to figure it out right now. But the rough rock shots. I managed to hobble from rock to rock to get out and take some pictures.

I had to really make myself be there for my vacation. I managed and fell into a big black hole when I got home. But one thing the vacation did teach me is I really don't try to fight my moods as I should. I fought hard to have a decent time and I did have a decent time even depressed. As soon as I got home I have got out the SAD light. I would like to say it has cured me but it hasn't. It just has made my depression not as black and I can actually get some things done around the house. It gives me the push to work through it. I'm still using it but have to watch out because like any anti-depressant it can push me into a mixed state or mania.

Ironically, J is pushing mania. It is hard being in two different spectrum's.  J has managed sobriety and getting a life back. I washed my hands of J and when I did J seemed to pull it together. I have my own mood to tend to and even took the attitude if nothing got done in the  house who cares . A week of frozen dinners and me doing nothing made J help out just a little more which in turn helped me get out of my funk just a little. I came to the conclusion I just cant prop both of us up anymore as it is exhausting to me. Sometimes, taking care of myself nothing gets done.

I have been trying to get out more and making myself. I just know if I don't fight real hard I will be in such a horrible place this winter. I just really can't allow myself to go there. I have managed some winters without falling apart but have in the past couple of years fall to hell.

hmm...

First off I can't get my own comment section to work to comment back on the comments. It is frustrating. I want to say thanks to all that commented. I'm really trying to change this vicious cycle with my moods by being more proactive and dealing with my life even if it isn't perfect by any means.

This week has been a rough week. J sickness has got worse since detoxing off the booze. We had to go to the er this week with symptoms of a gallbladder and it wasn't that but a fatty liver. J can't hold food down at all for the past 2 weeks. J shits it all out and on top of that doesn't want to eat hardly at all . Which isn't like J. J is very over weight due to all the weight gain from all those nice psych pills. The doc said the fatty liver was due to J's fatness. Who knows because as I was reading you have to do a liver biopsy and the doc didn't do one. He did do blood test and a ultrasound. I was hoping for a gallbladder as that is fairly straight forward. This isn't as straight forward and really their is no change in J's sickness and J is very sick and very weak. I think we will find out more when J goes for a follow up the 24th. The er doctor wasn't what i say very good or helpful.. I find in the area where we live the doctors aren't very good and I have been to a lot of doctors over a lifetime for various things. I certainly wouldn't feel like putting my life in any of their hands up at the hospital. I always joke around and say if I break anything or am very sick drive me 90 miles away to the next bigger city. I even question how they read an ultra sound as J has had a bad ultra sound before in this area and was told that the other city was going to do it over again because everything they do here is questionable.

J not eating means I don't want to cook just for myself. My diet has been crap this week and I hardly eat. J eats soup or something like ensure. I made my first real meal last night where I grilled some burgers. It felt good to eat something like real meat (lol) I have been running around like crazy to take care of J these past 2 weeks. You would think J's legs don't work nor arms.  It puts me in a funky mood. It seems when I try to take care of myself something like this happens.It pisses me off because I don't abuse my body like J. If I did I would have to pick up my own pieces and get no help . J sometimes drags me down . J is starting to get real whiny.  I hate whiny sick. Who knows if the liver is from being fat or from drinking to much. Abuse is abuse. Even if it has tons of reasons. Of course J is in denial and feels helpless doing anything about it. It might take getting off the couch and putting the food down to solve. It might mean cutting back on the psych pills and dealing with life.

I do know one thing I can't  put my own life on hold anymore. It effects me in a negative way and triggers depression. I know that for me to stay healthy mentally I have to stay active and do some of the things that make me happy.

Coming out of my Cave

I have been pretty anti-social and not very much on communicating since about sometime in June. If it wasn't for facebook or twitter I wouldn't communicate to people at all.  I have been in a mixed mood. For those that don't know what that is .... It is depression and mania at once. The weird thing about this go of it is that I have been productive. I have managed to dejunk a lot of the house.
To be exact 2,600 pounds of junk. I hate clutter but J likes clutter. J calls it collecting . I call it hoarding. It has took me years to finally get this shit out of the house. The house still needs more junk out but I can live with this. I have been making everything have a place and been organizing since it is just way easier to clean that way and to deal with. Clutter=chaos to me. I have never lived in a cluttered home until J and that has been full time this 4 years as before we travelled back and forth and lived in two countries. I just didn't deal with J's junk and about every three months I went back to my home. Before that I just lived here during the summer and J would live in the states in the winter. Well, it finally had to be dealt with after 10 years in a relationship but got evaded at every conversation about it etc.  I got a big bin and pitched it . If I would of gave it away it would still be here. I needed rid of it. Worked for months babying the crap out to the bin as I just didn't pitch it I made J deal with it and let it go. I think bathing a cat would be easier.

I have been dealing with cleaning and organization for several months now as I go to shit in the winter and need everything in order for it. I'm planning for my major seasonal depression. I haven't had much fun either this summer as I have been super broke paying off bills and debt. Which leaves no money to have fun. Next month will improve as the debt has been dealt with. We will finally have a vacation after not having one for about 3 years. I also started to jog again after my hip was bothering me. I can't afford massage therapy and don't want to hurt so exercise was forced on me. It has been a good thing. A friend also sent a link to some Yoga sight on You-tube. Ekhart Yoga. It is the best. I have been doing it for like 4 days everyday and plan on to keep doing everyday. I was so tight everywhere and right now I'm pretty sore as my muscles loosen up. I didn't realize how tight I was because I live in chronic pain with my shoulders and back. I don't know how long I will keep exercising as I go on and off it but I do feel better jogging and doing yoga. I also plan on the last little bit of summer to swim. I have no excuse why I haven't been swimming as the lake is in my backyard. I just haven't felt like it . I have went a couple of times. Believe it or not I use the excuse it has been to hot. (haha) Most of all I have been busy in my head. I also been busy with problems with J. That is another blog into it's self as J has been drinking again and now is detoxing.
I have to take care of myself and my moods which have been put on the back burner for awhile now. I want to start having fun again. I look forward to my vacation next month. I look forward to using some of the things I rediscovered de cluttering.  Being broke has been good in the part I found that I use more of the things I have around the house and became more handy in the kitchen . I eat a lot healthier not going to the grocery store as much. I'm also back to drinking water all the time and feeling better. I got off the soda last year just to get back on it again. Now I'm off it again. No junk food either as I haven't been able to afford it and have to make everything by scratch. It has been good. We also had a complete fire ban. Which means no bbqing . It has ended and I can enjoy what I enjoy so much in the summer cooking out. I do look forward to the fall though which is soon for us. I like cooler temps and have hated this very hot summer.
Hopefully, I will be updating more lately and commenting on more blogs. I have been reading peoples blogs but just haven't had much to say.

I'm back

I have sat here wondering what to write. I have been having writers block of some sort. So far after my daughter has left I have managed getting some sort of flu and pulling the muscles and liagments near my ankle on the back of my foot. I'm over the flu but the flu helped me stay still enough for my foot to start healing. I went and had it massaged and ultrasounded and it is about back to normal. I also do daily stretches and that helps a lot.

I'm also back to my decluttering and getting things done around the house. Finally got that treadmill into the main house. It weighed over 200lbs and had to get the guy up the street to help me. My muscles are screaming. It is done though and all I have to do is put it together. It has been sitting out in the studio since Januarary. Yesterday, I could hardly move and I was so tired moving all the things out of the house to get the treadmill in and also lifting the treadmill.

I'm trying to clear out the studio for the a/c. We dont have a/c and that is the only room to handle the load of one. I also want to clear out the junk room/studio so J can get back to painting. I want to have everything organized by winter. We only have about three months of summer then it gets cold again.

Im also trying to get into some sort of structured rountine which is real hard for me also. I'm also trying harder to get out of the house. I just really don't like going out period as |I have everything I need at home. I do manage to do some shopping when I need to . But my justification of not going out is being broke and it seems to work. I do go outside though but just not to town. I'm hoping with this warm up soon , I will get back to swimming. 

My Brain Is Tired

My brain and body are exhausted. I'm sitting here trying to get my thoughts in order and they seem scrambled. I feel emotionally drained this past week and a half. My visit with K ends next Monday. I have been going hard since K has been here. Trying everyday to come up with something to do when the weather has been very screwed up. One day it is cold and rainy then to sunny or overcast. The weather lies all the time. It was suppose to rain yesterday and it was a wonderful pretty day. Ended up doing shopping on a pretty day because it said it was suppose to storm the whole day. Also, K wanted some piercings. I'm like what ever floats your boat. It isn't like I can say much having as many tats as I do and piercings. I took out all my piercings though. I do feel that they where tasteful. One was in her ear and on a weird place and the other was her belly button. She has a pretty body so she can really rock her belly piercing. K is all into appearances and pretty much takes forever in the bathroom putting a lot of effort in her hair, makeup and clothes. While I'm ready in 15 minutes.

One day we about tore each others heads off sparring. Since then it has been quiet and actually nice. I'm not going to take K's crap and neither is she mine. It doesn't help we are both moody and insecure around each other. I have just mainly figured out give K what she wants so we don't fight. It is for so little of a time that I can be more giving. I do set myself up though giving and giving and then when it becomes to much blow the hell up. I have tried to stop the material things as much because it is just really breaking me. I haven't even sat down and figured it up because it is a couple of thousand as we stand and it is money I don't have. I feel guilty as hell putting my foot down but try to do other things that are domestic like bake brownies or listen without giving advice even though I think some of the things that K does are terrible. I'm sure I wasn't all that wonderful at 17 but I can actually see my mothers influence on K and it isn't great. K is so high maintenance but I love her anyway. Maybe, high maintenance people get what they want though as I was never high maintenance and haven't much got what I have wanted in life. I'm happier with less or do I tell myself that? I will have to ponder that. I do know I settle for less out of people and that is my own fault. In the past couple of years I have even allowed myself to get lazy and settle for nothing out of myself also. I have been basically been trudging for awhile.

K's visit has actually challenged me emotionally and physically and that is good but produces a lot of anxiety. It also makes me want to get out more. Not as much as I have been getting out but maybe a couple of times a week when K leaves. I actually look forward to swimming this summer when it does get warm enough. I have also been eating better since K has been here also. Three smallish meals a day and well balanced. I normally only fix two meals a day . K makes me behave like someone with structure and that is a good thing even if it is trying.

The Grass Grows

Everyone is a sleep and it is so nice:) I really like my time in the morning. Both K and J can sleep the day away. We are all three on a different sleeping schedule. It makes it interesting. K naps some in the day and is up all night and can sleep all morning also. Me, I go to bed at about 8;30 or 9 and sleep till about 4 . J goes to bed about the same time as me a little later and can sleep the whole morning away. I finally had to take something to get more sleep yesterday as I was so tired and tired and stress doesn't work for me. I actually just got up a few times in the night and went right back to bed. Slept till 6;30 this morning. It felt like sleeping in.

We had a real lazy day yesterday. It was 13C for other people around 50 degrees. It was mostly rainy. I did though put some grass seed down as they tore up the backyard with the backhoe. Even removed about 3 years worth of bulbs also in that area. I'm not happy but what else could they do. I will make it even better this fall and also try to plant some summer flowers that come up every year also there. My most important thing in that area is to plant grass as it has been so muddy and I want to prevent anymore erosion. I found this grass that really is no fuss planting. It will even grow on concrete. It is a golf green grass and really does well as I have used it before.  I did the grass planting while J and K went to town to get pizza. K also had to stop by the drug store for stuff to do her nails. K is such a girly girl and much diva like. I'm so not like that. But I'm happy to support her girly girl habits which are expensive. I'm always amazed at K's impractial shoes also in the bush. K would wear heals camping. Thank-god she did bring a pair of tennis shoes. Even though she reminds me she feels like she is slumming it. It is funny and not funny at the same time to see her sink in the mud with her shoes that are so impractial here. Well back to the point we watched some Harold and Kumar movie. It was very stupid and I had to go take a nap. I didn't say anything. I wanted to get rested up for the long haul of this visit. I hate complaining all the time about how tired and how much I hurt all the time so I thought I would get some rest and do many stretches with my back and shoulders. When I woke up probably a hour after I took a nap she was asleep. I was up hours and she still was asleep so didn't wake her. Put things up went to bed. As soon as I was asleep I heard some wrestling around and she was up. I'm sure she is bored out of her mind so far but it will get better. K also has been fighting being sick also. She gets physically sick every time she is stressed and goes somewhere. That has happened every since she was a wee little girl. I was glad she was resting as she can get very sick.  We have no idea why her immune system is such shit. A couple of years ago she was sent to St. Jude's for a leukemia scare but it turned out she was OK but has some white blood cell problems that was never addressed fully. But most of the time she is fine. That period of time drove me mad thinking she might have cancer. I was so relieved.

Don't know what we will do today as it is threatening to rain again and is so dark. As, I look up though the sun is trying to make it's self come out. I would dance a happy dance if it could at least not rain today. K wants to look at the little shops in town. They are great if your a tourist and shit if your not as they just carry tourist crap. Maybe I can talk her into decent shoes to take a walk on the nature trail also. She is so girly but at the same time rides a dirt bike and loves nature also but just in heals. I shake my head though. I hope it holds off on raining the whole time as I want to canoe with her and swim. Go to the beach etc. I have been missing bbqing and grilling also. I have cooked more than I usually do. I like it though and it is only for about 2 weeks.

Rainy Days

I woke up extremely early today. In the wee hours of the morning. I did go to bed real early though. Can't force my sleep it comes when it comes. I started reading blogs and noticed someone dropped following me. Made me scratch my head a little. Made me ask am I to boring, depressing, etc. Just really made me wonder why. I guess Im not there cup of tea. I don't loose sleep over it though because I'm who I'm. Chaotic post, some just normal, some dark, some just ramblings. It is just all me.This is sort of like my on-line diary. Most of the time I put my normal face on in public and most people would never in a million years know how screwed up I'm or how lately how stress out I'm.

Anyways, lately I have been telling myself I'm OK and not stressed. Do the anxiety etc. I will get through this stressful period called life even though it seems everything is breaking down etc. It does work to a certain extent but my body tells me stress, stress ,stress. My eye is twitching all the time, I'm up and down all night. I physically tired etc. I have been trying everything I know how to deal with my stress. Bubble Bathes, Breathing Excersises,Talking it out, Journalling,Eating right, Trying to not focus on my problems all the time, even drinking at times for the anxiety (not excessive), PRN Pills. You name it and I figured it will just have to pass like anything else. Most of all what gets me through things is distraction.

I went to see Men In Black 3 yesterday. It was a cute mindless movie. Didnt think of anything else during that time except getting popcorn in my teeth and being consumed by the movie. At first , I had to laugh it was the small and a outdated theather. I'm guessing at the seats being late 60's -70sih with the place having half the screen a modern one would have also. The sound was decent though. It was also something to do on a cool rainy day. I can't believe it has been in the 50's  for the past 3 days and doesnt have any hope to get warmer till tuesday and that will be in the low 70s. We have needed the rain badly. The catch is it doesnt help my visit. Even if the rain will just clear up next week it will be easier. Today is suppose to be rainy and cold. So, we are going to play old-fashion board games, rent movies and eat pizza. Hopefully, I will catch a nap also.

I really hope for decent weather. Last Thursday when we picked up K from the airport. The guy that put off securing the dock and putting it back into working order finally did it. It blew me away because he is so unpredictable. I was amazed it was done. I really look forward to the lake warming up and swimming this summer. Even got a wetsuit to swim when it is coolish. I think it is still real cool water. I also plan on getting the canoe out next week. Nothing like a paddle around the lake. I'm crossing my fingers for better weather as the place I live in is all about the outdoors and just makes things a little harder when it is cold and rainy. Cold doesnt bother me as much as Cold and raining. I have also planned a day on the request of K to take her to Canada's Wonderland. I'm not much of a fan of rollercoasters and neither is my back. But none the less I will go and walk around and might ride some rides. It is about a 3 hour drive not speeding to the place. If it keeps raining we will go to another city though that has more urban attractions. I'm trying to be real flexible.

I also had a talk with J about J being sarcastic with me also. J said she didnt realize what she was doing. Yesterday, no sarcasm. Also, had a talk about not putting me in the middle with the tension with K. They both have some tension with each other. Nothing terrible but none the less I dont want to be put in the middle. It really stresses me out when I want to make them both happy and a drama free visit. K was blaming J yesterday when we had a moment to ourselves about how I'm normal now and J is to blame for my anti-social ways lack of being normal etc. Basically J has rubbed off on me. I pointed out that was not true. The reason why I appear more stable than I'm is because I do basically live in isolation. That was my choice. I did tell her to try to remember how I was years ago. I was totally off my rocker and acting out. I was manic all the time also. If it appeared that I had more energy and was more social that was my mania. I don't think she gets it but told her she can tell me these things but please don't hurt J's feelings. J is very good to K and trys. J doesnt even resent the money I spend on K or the expensive plane ticket I bought K to come here. Me and J are a little stressed out about money at the moment but J never told me not to spend money on K. J does now how important this is to me. I really need to spend some alone time with K and hopefully the weather will permit it. I thought I would go paddling with K and just talk. I did spend some time with J alone even though it was whispering in bed while K was sleeping. It meant alot to be able to spend some time with J. It kind of destressed us to be able to talk a little and just lay next to each other holding hands . J is J faults and all but for the most part we get along even if J's quirks get on K's nerves they dont always get on mine. It is also harder because the last time we all(J,K,K) lived together was probaly 2006 to the beginning of 2007 if my mind serves me right. It wasn't idea then and a lot of baggage has been collected over the years. K was 7 when J came into my life. Loads, of baggage. But either one has ever said it to each others face. I'm the lucky one and they tell it to me. Most of all it is nit picking and nothing real major. I guess the major ones is when they bitch about each others personalitys. That doesnt change much and that just has to be accepted.

Well, I have rambled enough. Time for a cup of coffee and some house cleaning.

Where has the time gone

I haven't blogged in a long time. I really haven't felt like it much. Life really has been busy with the good and the bad. My mood has been all over the place also with all the stress. Everything has been breaking. I'm to the point I can't pull money out of my ass. I have had J's glasses break, lawnmower,
brakes on the truck, A huge pipe to the house that had to be dug up by a backhoe and other machinery. It was ten feet down and leaking. Had to go without water for several days. We are on our own water system and have to pay all the cost associated. Also, my mother hasn't been well but is better now. That is a relief as you can fix that other stuff even though I have had a eye twitch for a month. Also, when my mood was a little high at the first of April. I made a not wise decision to book a trip to see BB King. That was real fun but cost way to much as we stayed over night and went to a casino. I only spent 40 at the casino and gambled a couple of hours and came home with 20. So, thankfully my mania wasn't flaring up that much. I did think the casino overstimulated me though. It made my head hurt. I even had to say I needed to go back to the room as it was overstimulating me to much. I would either stay and have to drink and probably gamble more to settle my nerves. I didn't want to do that so took a timeout and went back to the room until the concert. The concert was great except the seat triggered my back to act up and is still acting up a little. The pain is dull and just makes me tired. Some asshat was kicking and stomping the seat and it almost felt like sea sickness. I couldn't believe the asshats probably where in there 50's. I would expect that from a teen-ager but not some adult that old. Somebody , behind me was tone death and was singing all the songs also. I really didn't pay to hear someone overshadow bb's singing. I was in a goodish mood so overlooked it. The concert was late for me so I was so drained coupled with back pain. I barely made it through dinner after the concert. I limped back to the limo to take us back to the room. I had a laugh at the limo as it was a 80ish limo that looked like it might at one time belonged to a funeral home. It cost 8 bucks for J and I to get back to the room that probably was 2 blocks away. Worth it since no sidewalks to walk on and a very busy highway with probably drunk people..

I have also for the last month been decluttering. Rented a huge dumpster to clean out the house and garage. I hate clutter and J is a semi hoarder or she would say collector. I say it is to much for me and it has to go. I can live in some clutter but not where it impedes me. I would prefer none but I comprise. It is to much for J also. Also, the house became such a mess , disorganized etc over the course of the last year with me experiencing more depression that I'm used to. I really have been working at it but I'm a little at a stand still. It is getting harder. I just wish I could do the pitching but I will not pitch nothing without J's permission even if I think it is silly. It is looking better though but I feel guilt for not re homing the stuff as a lot of it is good. I just really really need it out of here for both of our sanity and before winter. Winter is when I get severely depressed and need it as easy as possible around here and maybe for a cleaning lady to come in twice a month. I'm already preparing for my extended depression.  

My daughter is visiting this week. I haven't seen her in 2 years. My daughter is a story in it's self. I have blogged enough so will try to tell the whole story some other time. But back to my daughter it is causing so much anxiety her being here. The anxiety is me because I haven't been much of a parent for the past 4 years. I have stayed in touch but I feel like I really don't know her as well as I should. Feel tons of guilt. I also really want to please her. She has been here for 3 days now. It has been going well (I think but who knows) My daughter K, doesn't show her feelings much so it is really hard to try to read her. K is very sarcastic which has always been her personality and mixes her humour into her sarcasm. What I take as a barb is her humour and her way of dealing with things but sometimes it hurts my feelings. J does it to and sometimes I feel like they are picking at me. I had enough last night and just casually went to bed. I needed my space from the both of them. Our house is small and it is hard to get away and have my time so I go to bed early and get up early. Which is my schedule anyway. I have not much energy either and K is a go -go person that needs barely any sleep. I'm really fighting not totally shutting down at the moment but run on fumes as I feel even before she came used up. She does put some energy back into me though. It really forces me to fake having energy and a decent attitude. I need to tell myself it wont be perfect but I will try my hardest. Trying my hardest when I don't feel like a damn is so hard but I'm doing it. I really want to try to live in the moment because I probably wont get a visit for along time after this since K is so busy in her own life. Going to be going to university soon. She probably wont have much time for me. But I'm so grateful she will visit me period. We have been through a lot and never thought 4 -5 years ago she would ever visit me.

Yikes, A Mouse

I thought I would write since I can't sleep. I have been up for awhile. I went to bed to early yesterday and have been up since about 3am. The cat has me in sheer panic as she caught a mouse in the kitchen and let it go in the living room. It isn't dead and she is hunting all over the house for it. Mice I'm terrible afraid of and will make me scream like a little girl. If you know me or have seen me it seems very stupid and very unlike me to be upset with such a small creature.

We live in the country so we get some visits from a mouse or two once in awhile and I should be used to it by now but I'm not. Part of me is scared she injured that thing and it is going to die somewhere and stink to high hell.

Lets see what has been going on? Not much but it does seem like this week has gone in a fog. I have been trying to get more things done even if I backslide on some days. I have made important appointments which I have been neglecting. One is to get the brakes fixed. They sound so terrible. Been putting it off till  we have more money but it isn't going to wait. Tried like hell to find my battery charger for my camera also but it seems to been lost with the remodel. So reordered a new one. Hopefully, it will get here fast as I'm in the mood to take pictures lately. I do though have my dslr. Which , I need to practice more on since I'm lousy with it. Got the flamingos out and actually pick up the back yard of most of it's debree since winter. The snow has been gone for about a month now. Changed those pesky pot lights also. Two of them where out and made it very dim in the kitchen. Finally fixed one of the clocks in the living room that chime every half hour and hour. It sounded like a dying cow before I changed the battery. Made a order of a whole rear portion of beef also when I stopped in at the butcher to get some of the most wonderful steaks. That order should last us into next year.

The sun has been elusive except for about two days. Had a nice cook out one day with those fresh steaks and enjoyed the sun. It has been wacky weather. One day it is warm then the next day we have flurries. I just want some sun as I thrive when it is sunny. I want to golf badly but next weeks forecast is terrible. I wanted to go Tuesday since it is my birthday. I still really don't have plans for that except that day it is suppose to rain then snow. Maybe, the forecast will change. I don't really want anything for my birthday as I have pretty much what I want. I guess if I could have something it would be for my brain to behave for awhile.  Also, to finally to get out of this rut once and for all. I'm struggling with it. I keep trying to tell myself to just plug on and in time I will come out of it like I usually do. I should generally be hypomanic this time of year. Rushing around and doing everything and buying god knows what. I haven't except a clock to replace the broken one in the kitchen. It is an Alice and Wonderland clock that says We are all Mad here. She is talking to the Cheshire Cat .
So fitting for my household.

Pink Flamingos

Here is the pic of the flamaingos One brave Duck. It is in the backyard against a abandoned sailboat. They also make me smile as they are quirky.

Tired

I'm trying to put the week behind me. I have been pretty emotionally tired. I also realize I need a break from my crazy life and need to reflect on the small things like this. This is a picture from my backyard in the mornings.

Lately, nothing much has excited me. I have been in survival mode with J's mood and psychosis. It has got better but I'm drained. I did manage to get tickets to something that I like very much though. In may BB. King is having a concert at the Casino near by. His concert is pretty late for this old woman so we are going to get a room and stay the night even though it is just a 2 hour drive back. I really look forward to something that is totally about me and J. Totally can't afford it but it is worth it. It seems Murphy law is working again and more things are breaking down so it was hard to justify this. It is hard to plead being broke and to do this. But, I really will enjoy it. I need it badly also. Something always in life comes up that needs to be fixed etc.

I really need to get back to the basics and enjoying the great things I have also. It seems I have all this stuff in the house that is still in the box. It is insane. I bought a Wii one year and have all these new games I haven't used. I also have Mario-Kart and a Wii fit plus I received as presents but never opened. I also really need to rat myself out about I still have a top of the line treadmill and exercise bike in it's box also. All stored away waiting for me to become active again. I finally started using my Kindle Fire that I got for x-mas last month. So, maybe their is some hope for me. I really haven't enjoyed life for about the last two years. The girls dying one summer . Then last summer my father and grandmother dying. All the other crazy shit that has been going on in between with my health to other things.
The thing is I need to just turn the page and start living again . Shit happens. Then you move on. I finally am starting to get that yearning again to live. I can feel my depression lifting. It sounds odd but I was at the store yesterday and seen pink flamingos and bought those tacky tacky birds. I had such a laugh looking at them and even more embarrassed to put them in the buggy. I haven't thought about the yard or anything in ages. Now for me to put them out today and not let them sit in a box. As, I'm coming out of my box this time of year maybe just maybe I will get the other things out of there box also. I will start small with getting back to walking so I can start running again. I need fresh air. I need to get back to me again . I really do miss me being more alive and not a fixture on the couch all winter long.

Crazy Day

I had such a chaotic day yesterday. It was so frustrating . It started when J woke up psychotic. Which I try to ignore as much as possible not to trigger her more and just try to stay out of the way until J says or does something really over the top. That is when the phone rings and it is my mother. Nothing ever goes well with planning anything with my mother. We have been planning the trip of  my daughter to come and see me this summer. Sounds, easy but it isn't.  She calls and says she doesn't see the price of ticket that I see and the ticket she sees is about 400.00 more. I get on my computer and do a search and yep my price is right. I ask her what airport code she is using and hers is wrong. The complex part of getting the ticket is my daughter is 17 and you can't buy a ticket without airlines consent unless your 18. 17 is considered a child. It is very stupid to me but the rules are the rules.

I tell her to call the travel agency to book the flight with the flight number and pay the extra booking fee because it is so much easier than trying to figure out what airline she can fly etc. I will pay the extra 25 bucks to avoid the hassle. I don't want to use my credit card anymore so I tell her to pay for it and I will send a cheque. She books it and everything and then the trouble begins. She can't find K's passport. The ticket has to have the name it has on the passport. My mom calls me back and says she can't find K's passport. We both about freak because K is so scatterbrained. Never puts anything up , loses everything. My mom booked a non-refundable flight.

That is when the anxiety kicked in. Also, in the background J is every so psychotic and when I'm not watching takes a shower etc. Fine one would think but then I go into the bedroom and ask J why are you naked and why are you in bed. I get the most bizarre answer. "I took a shower to get ready for my death" Puzzled , I ask have you done something to yourself? "No, I just feel like I'm dying and I'm saving Hugh (Funeral guy) the effort of washing my body" I respond you do remember when someone dies they shit and piss all over themselves so really they would have to do that again you know. I get some clothes out of the draw and say put these on and come out of the bedroom. I don't trust you alone with how your acting. I wait and go to the kitchen where J's pills are . I take out one of her anti-psychotics and wait for J. I said here take this , you really truly are bonkers today. J acknowledges it and takes the pill. We go back to talking about my mother and daughter and how crazy the both of them are.(lol) It distracts J until the pill kicks in. I ask is there anything I can do for you . I know the pill has kicked in because I'm asked for a huge piece of pie. Serqueol tends to give people the munchies. J eats the pie and retires to bed for most of the day.

While, I put the fire out there the anxiety is kindling in my chest to full blown anxiety attack. I really try deep breathing. I tell myself BREATH. It helps some. I call my mom back and bitch and bitch about K's irresponsibility. I also bitch that my mom knows better than to book that damn flight without passport in hand because by now K's forgetfulness has been noted on many occasions etc.

Hang up try to text K but K isn't responding and isn't responding to her voice messages from my mother either. K finally picks up and gets an attitude with my mother for asking where in the hell is her passport. She responds she doesn't know. Maybe, it is at her fathers. That is when both me and my mother think oh shit. If it was he is such a asshole petty vengeful man he would just say it is lost because he doesn't want her to come and see me anyway. I have the scenario that she will have to reapply and that would be such a nightmare as it was the last time she first applied because of asshole ex's permission etc.
I call back and decide to let go of all this drama. I said if she can't find her passport I'm not going through the passport process again. We will try to pay a fee to get that ticket cancelled some how some way. I just can't do this and all this anxiety producing crap.

A hour later the passport was found and the ticket was fully booked. J was fine for the rest of the day even if J was a zombie. Which was better than J being a threat to J and others.  Watched some tv and then went to bed myself. Laid in bed trying not to relive the day and have my thoughts all over the place. Do some focusing on the tension in my body and let the tension go. Boom fell asleep.

QQW

I'm trying to get into my writers frame of mind for QQW. It has been a little harder for me to think this week so if I seem vague forgive me. Participating in this has made me think more than I usually do. It gives my brain a real work out. It also makes me really think how much do I actually want to disclose about my life in the past and makes me aware that I really don't share very deeply. Something, in time I want to change.

The first question :What is your current coping mechanism or one that you would recommend to deal with bipolar? Yaya . Yaya, one good thing with Bipolar is I realize my mood changes and nothing is ever permeant. I tell myself often it will change in time. I also try to do a lot of breathing exercises for my anxiety. Most of my life I always have practiced some sort of escapism also. Some healthy some not so healthy. I also notice when I'm off I'm not eating right either. I try to eat healthy. I try to also distract myself not to consume myself with my mood.

Second Question:Given the opportunity and you could go back in time, what would you do differently or are you happy with where you are now? (CoffeyPot) If I had to go back in time I would try not to be so impulse and indulge in so much impulsive self destructive behaviour. I also for the most part am happy with my life now and all the crap that used to be my life made me more wise and responsible. It also made me more able to deal with myself now. I have had a ton of experience making many mistakes. I also am more comfortable with myself now.

Third Question:What brought you to Canada? Weather? Bears? Or . . .? on (Rob) A relationship with a Canadian. Also the politics, civil rights. Hard to remember since the Harper government is stomping on so many at the moment.

Fourth Question: I see that you enjoy reading autobiographies, so do I! What type of people/stories do you most enjoy reading about, and if you had to choose just one, which autobiography would be your favorite(Josie 2 Shoes) I like reading about many peoples lives. From the famous to the not so famous. I think that is why I enjoy reading so many blogs about all sorts of people. My favorite autobiography was by Emily Carr called Growing Pains. Emily Carr is a Canadian writer and famous painter. A recent autobiography I read was very touching about a bipolar mother called Letters from a Bipolar Mother: Chronicles of a fractured life by Alyssa Reyans.

Fifth Question: My question is are you a morning person of does the thought of getting up early make you want to pull the covers over your head and pretend it is still night time?(Joanne Ramblings) I'm a morning person and love getting up early. Do most of my best thinking in the morning.

Last question: What's the most scared you've ever been as a result of your own actions.(The ranting monkey) Wow, this made me really cringe because I have had so many resulting from my own foolish actions. Being bipolar doesn't help either or at one time being an addict along time ago. I have so many it is hard to decide.  So, I will use something that was foolish from the present which actually has a positive message. Last year, It was in April , I had a mild heart - attack. You probably are wondering how I had any responsibility in it.  Well, I didn't pay attention to my physical health and was very sedentary all winter long. I had very bad high blood pressure that I never paid attention to and never went to the doctor in years. It is very typical how it happened. I went to clean the yard after winter time and clean up and pushed my body beyond it's limits and wasn't aware how horrible my blood pressure was. I was in denial about the whole thing until laying in a hospital bed with J looking very worried about me. J doesn't show worry. J was in crisis mode and I know that look very well. I think that is when I started to think wow it is really happening. It scared me that I had no control what so ever . I have tried to kill myself several times but had control to a certain extent. But I had no control over what was happening at the time and I felt so powerless. I really didn't want to die that way as life was OK at the time. Since, then I really monitor my blood pressure and don't try to be week-end warrior or being a human bulldozer. It made me feel very mortal and not young any more. It made me more aware that I have to take care of my health. It forced me to take care of my physical health better. Even though I'm struggling at the moment to take care of it.

One question Wed.

This is the time of the week you can ask me any question and I will try to answer it the best I can tomorrow.

Answering Questions

The first question I received was by Josie. The question was What is the most fun vacation memory you cherish, and what would be your fantasy of the perfect time away?

 Wow, That is a hard one and I will try to keep it shorter than I like. I could post and post about favorite vacations. I have had many awesome vacations. I have been a very fortunate person to have travelled a lot and to have many vacations. My vacations and favorite ones depends on my moods though and what I need at the time I take them. I have done of a lot of impulsive vacations also. Boom my bags are pack and I'm gone in a couple of days after a little research. So, I guess if I have to pick one and in the mood I'm in I would have to say it would be one of the peaceful ones I have took to Lake Superior. I try to camp their every year. It is peaceful and full of serenity. The most noise you hear are is the  crashing wake. The water forms caps from the wind and it crashes all against the rocks. The wonderful sand beaches that line where we stay is such a treat. I tend to walk them or jog on them everyday when we are there. I also try to mediate by the water in the morning using the waves as my mantra. I love camp cooking also. I seem more organized. Structure comes so easily to me when I camp. It seems that I use all my senses when I camp. Northern Ontario seems to be a wonderful place for me and so majestic with beauty. It is also so relaxing. I can seat in a lounge chair all day and just watch the waves, birds etc. I also love to read and read . I also get to indulge in photography which I like to do also. It seems I get to engage in all my favorite things when I go camping.

The second part is really dreaming but my fantasy time away would to be able to travel Europe for a month by myself. I want to be selfish and only do the things I want to do. I love other cultures and very curious so doing something like this would be very stimulating. I would love to go to older hotels and just be waited on. I would love to try all the different foods. (I'm a foodie) I would love to go to all the museums and spend endless hours wandering them. I would love to visit Spain and lay on many of the beaches they have and just be. Travel around on a train and get lost on whim in each country. Explore the less travelled path and not do such the touristy thing and get to learn the customs of some of the different countries also.

Next question was by Ranting Monkey. Here is the question.Is there a song you hear that instantly improves your mood every time you hear it and if so, what song is it?

I love music but the one that popped off the top of my head was I feel so pretty from The West side story. Song and Video   It makes me smile and laugh.


The next question is by One Brave Duck. The question is :  How do you define bravery and do you consider yourself a brave person?

Yikes, you made me think and think on this. Oh I could probably ponder this for days. I will try to condense this as much as I can. I really thought about this for hours after it was asked and it isn't very simple for me to define. It also made me think about myself and others also. Bravery to me isn't defined in the dictionary for me and tend to think it is way to simplistic and doesn't reflect the idea very well and I tend to disagree with it. I think courage goes hand and hand with bravery. I also think their are many different types of bravery. Such as physical, moral and physicological. I think for me it is to feel the fear in situations in life and do it anyway. Also, to stand up to what I believe whether it is comfortable or not. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

The second part of the question is do I consider myself a brave person. Not anymore. I used to be braver. I have been becoming more comfortable with being a person that no longer rocks the boat as I used to rock the boat all the time. I also have became more cynical. I have become complacent in life also. Seems , I don't much reach out of my comfort zone in the past couple of years.

The last question comes from The thoughts of a Bipolatr ftm : Do you use any simple techniques to improve a day that is going or has gone bad?

Yes, I try to breath a lot . Lots of deep breaths. I also try to distract myself usually with something brainless. Like stupid TV or cleaning. Something general to escape. It could be anything such as reading fiction etc. Depends on what I'm trying to get through the day with and my mood. Sometimes , also I just go for a walk. Sometimes, I just try to go back to bed and sleep the day away until another day. Sometimes, I will play a game. Sometimes, I journal. Sometimes, if it is real bad I don't move from one spot as all I have to do to stay safe is stay in one spot such as don't get off the couch. I also listen to music a lot also.

Wow, that was harder than I thought. I had to use my brain. Thank - you for all the questions!

One Question Wednesday

I'm going to particpate in One Question Wednesday .If you have questions about it you can link up to Josie2shoeshttp://www.josie2shoes.com/ It is a way to meet other bloggers and know them better. It is also away to ask any question and have it answered. Just leave your question in the comments below anytime between now and Wednesday evening, and I'll answer them in a post on Wednesday night. You can also get more facts from this fromhttp://www.therantingmonkey.com/p/oqw-faq.html- The Ranting Monkey.

Twilight Zone

It has been a very long 8-9 days. We ended up staying in Cambridge for 8 days. J's mother fell the second day we where there. We took them out to dinner and at the restaurant she fell coming in. It was a violent fall . We took her to the Er where we spent about 9 hours waiting for the results of xrays to tell us if she broke her shoulder and hip. She still doesn't have her mobility that she did before she fell but according to the xrrays she didn't break anything. The good news is she got more home health care. She already had some but we made sure we stayed and got everyday help.

We don't still know if they will allow the ladies to do what they need to do. They have declined services we have set up before. It is frustrating to us they will not except the help they need and seem very ungrateful. They need to be in a home as one is very demented and the other is starting to get that way. We have no say if they go to a home as J doesn't have power of attorney and J's brother does. He is in denial and think they can manage. He is also chicken shit and I could say much more but I don't feel like wasting my time on such a sad creature.It pisses us off to no end because we are so powerless and we know both of them are a disaster waiting to happen.

While we where waiting on services for them-phsyo-ot-bath lady-general help. Me and J performed all the task they needed for a week. I did the cooking and cleaning. J did all the nurse stuff as she was a RN for 25 years. Needless to say we are tired. I cooked vast amounts of food and froze them up for them in containers. I had about 10 meals frozen. The last day we where their |I| had a container of chili that I had prepared and was going to put it in there freezer when I discovered all the meals I made them where missing. I had J look as I thought where the hell could all that food be. We where just about to leave and get out for good. I was confused. They threw all the food I made them away. I have no clue why either. J's parents aren't the best honest communicators. We where driving back to the motel and it felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I cooked for days, cleaned for days did anything they wanted for days. Most of all I kept my mouth shut for days and didn't get into any argument. I just felt very hurt and used. I have dropped it. I can't determine logic when those people are so illogical. That is crazy to throw away that food. If they didn't like it they should of said so and I would of took it home with me. I spent a lot of time and money fixing that stuff and it makes no sense that you would throw away healthy whole food to be left with TV dinners since they don't cook anymore. I do know one thing I done with them. I wash my hands. I will not use my limited resources to help them. I will not use all my energy for ungrateful people when I have not much to give anyway. Where I'm left washed up drinking like a drunk in the evening to get through the hell. Did, I mention these people have over a quarter of a million dollars and we end up broke helping them because they are cheap mother fuckers. No more! I will get a vacation this year and it wont be in another ER or being a god damn maid.

 They do treat me like a maid also which just ruffles my feathers. I have been married to J for 8 years and been with J a little over 10. They barely acknowledge we are married. I'm introduced to people as J's friend. I generally ignore it as I know my in-laws are bigots and I have just accepted that. Actual my mother in law isn't but she is severally demented so she knows I belong and remembers me but doesn't know the relationship. J's father on the other hand is a mean spirited man. Who is the bigot and racist.It makes my skin crawl. I was so embarrassed when we where in ER and he thinks he is whispering and says racist remarks about the different people in ER waiting. I was horrified and I did apologize when I could for such terrible behaviour. J was embarrassed also as we are not that way and it makes us very anger hearing remarks  of hate and misunderstanding a group of people . I do know how it is to be hated on and be treated in a hateful manner. It is ugly and ignorant etc.  

I'm at home now and I'm so thankful to be at home. It is so wonderful even if I have a ton to do and catch up on. I have felt like I have been in the twilight zone. It has been so surreal and I can gradual get back to my own life and state my opinions and have them.

Trip to hell

I have been up for a very long time this morning . I have managed to do a bunch of nothing this morning. I have looked around the computer for hours and even chatted. I have even put on a pot roast in the crock pot. Watered plants and piddled around the house. This is in the attempt i don't have to deal with what I need to do to get ready for a trip I'm taking Friday till next Tuesday. I need to get ready to see my in-laws. Oh how I hate that trip anymore.

It isn't because I hate my in-laws. It is because they are so elderly and won't listen to reason when it comes to their care. We do this trip out of duty and also guilt. It is very boring there. We spend money we don't have to go see them. It cost us a small fortune. We have to get a motel for 4 days and also pay for gas and most of our food. We used to board the dogs but it got to expensive so we take them now. We have a friend that will watch the cat. It also cost us a lot of money because they stress us out so bad we end up in the motel bar drinking and bitching about them. Since we hardly ever go to a bar we justify it as a entertainment survival cost. We vent and get it out before we have to jump into the fire again the next day. My mother in law has Alzheimer's or what we call senile dementia. We hear the same stories all day long for the four days that we are there. She has started to be very anxiety ridden when it comes to going out. Which is totally not like her . She used to be very social. We can gradually get her out of the house and out to eat or etc when we take them places. It helps some. My father in law is of sound mind except having a mood disorder. You never know if he is going to be depressed or manic. Either way most of the time sucks. I prefer if he is more depressed than being aggressive with mania. Most of the time it reminds me in their home , it is the blind leading the blind. He also can't walk very well. We have tried to get them to go to a home. We have tried to get them help. We have set up bath ladies etc. They will only take the maid that they had way before they got cranky with us getting them help. It is really a no win situation . One of them probably will have to fall and break a hip or up in die to get some help. Our hands are tied since one of them appears to be in sound mind. Even though I doubt it at times.

We wring our hands not knowing what to do and walking on eggshells not to bring up reality. We try to just make the best of it and they like seeing us. Sometimes, it really gets to me also that they think nothing of us spending so much money . We are the poorest in the family and no one else in the family would even be strapped doing what we do. We aren't even poor but it really kills our bank account when we have so much going on. It also makes us where we can't go on a real vacation either now. We used to go on like two vacations a year and for the past couple of years we haven't been anywhere. I just shake my head and try to make myself think I look forward to this trip when I really don't. I do look forward though to getting out of the house.

Springtime Ramblings

I thoug. ht I would write to try to get back to it. It is like i have got writer's block. I just don't think anything in my life is much to write about. I lack the passion to write this dribble. I really don't have the passion for anything. I can vaguely feel it stirring up and that is good. Maybe, I can fool myself and Just do it when it comes to things I like. So here is some of my ramblings for today.....

I didn't do much at all yesterday. I was in a somber mood. I just pretty much laid about for the day. The previous day I managed to start cleaning up the yard. It was a big mess from the dogs getting into the trash and had manage to have 2 bags of rubbish all torn to shreds all over the place. I also managed to pick up other things. It didn't much help my back or shoulder and therefore, just laid around yesterday. My shoulder felt like a tooth-ache. My back was just not working and felt fine just laying down or sitting all day yesterday. Many liquid gel advil later and some muscle relaxer and it feels on the mend today.

I'm trying to trick myself this early morning I'm going to be in a good mood today. I'm piddle paddling around. Making coffee, watering my little flowers I got the other day and picking up. I got some lovely tulips in a pot the other day also a potted hyacinth and another sort of little flower that is yellow. J seemed to pick out all the different colours that day of two yellow plants and one white one. Not my favorites but I just like flowers. I would of picked red, purple and pink. I also did a little walk about the other day and realized that some bulbs are finally starting to pop up also. I love spring flowers or flowers and general. I also fear Daisy has dug up some of my bulbs. I seen my rose bush also survived winter and survived Daisy.

I don't know what today will entail. I have no plans . Most days I just am happy to get through the day. I have though been bent on decluttering and spring cleaning. It seems like it is another way to purge the soul. Maybe today I will make it further than yesterday. I give myself credit for anything I do now as cleaning was such a feat this winter.

Springtime

I have been going through a rough spot . It isn't anything new but I'm sick of it and sick of talking about it. Hence , the lack of blog updates. Listen to a bad country song and that has been my life the last couple of years. Actually, probably most of my life has been some tragic song.

I have been starting to come out of my grey area even though there has been so much going on in my life. The sun has finally popped out. The temps have been way above seasonal. I never have wore a pair of shorts in March in Canada. Yesterday it was like around 70 degrees- 18-20 C. It is suppose to go up to 26C this week around 75 degrees. Last weekend we had snow. This week it is almost all gone. It melted so fast my yard is a mud hole. I grilled the other day and i just splashed in mud and had mud all over the place. The lake is still icy but suspect it will go out soon. The bay hardly has any ice except the shore. I'm pretty sure by the end of next week everything should be thawed .

We where coming home from grocery shopping yesterday and I seen a sign of spring. The beavers and geese in a creek doing what they do. It was so majestic to me. I forgot about having to take all the bags in the house. Nothing like geese to tell you winter is over. It still amazes me what a mild winter we have had. The bears should be out anytime also. I don't look forward to that though. Especially, since the dogs tore up trash all over the yard and I'm still picking it up. They made such a mess. My back doesn't bend like it should and my shoulders still hurt and flair up every time I over do myself. I have been doing a lot of stretching everyday to have my hurt just hurt moderately. I really think when my grayness goes out the window to what ever mood is in store for me which generally is mania this time of year . I have a lot of DVDs on Yoga. I need movement.

I haven't moved off the couch most of the winter. I see spring and think oh I'm going to be active again. I have gained weigh and it is time to take it off. It is time to shed everything and slowly getting back to me.

Grey

I don't know where to start. I haven't blogged for awhile so I thought I would post. I'm burnt out with blogging. I have been thinking a little about giving it up and going another direction with it. Who knows. I have been having writer's block also. Plus a lot of bad attitude about who in the hell cares anyway because i sure don't. My attitude isn't good at the moment and I'm not all that positive lately. Life is so-so though. I'm still trying to dig my way out of my pit of depression. That is odd in it's self because I generally starr feeling better this time of year. I don't know what is up with that. I have been cranky and irritable so maybe I'm coming back alive.

I feel like I need to go back to my SAD lamp. It has the problem of making me a little to lively or mixed but it would help push the mood a little in the right direction so i will probably start today. I need some motivation and that would help tremendously with the who cares attitude. I need to give a shit but don't. I just wait till my mood gets better and it will but don't have time to have it get better. I might be waiting to long. I don't feel like hibernating anymore but don't have the motivation to get out of my cozy cave. I'm though going to a theatrical production tonight . It is a move in the right direction. I'm just afraid it will over stimulate me. I don't need to be overstimulated either .
Everything is a delicate balance. I also long for some inspiration or passion it just makes life a little easier.

Comfortable Numb

I thought I would post to say I'm still kicking. I have been pretty subdued and depressed. I have been holed up in isolation for awhile in the dismal winter days. Lately, it has been getting more winter like and I'm coming alive again.

I have been watching box sets of TV series. True Blood and Nurse Jackie. My new set is Downtown Abbey. So far haven't been saving much money buying multiply series but it is cheaper than some of my indulges. My mind is about numb as it can be watching hours of this crap. I really need to get out and get fresh air.

The depression is that kind that is comfortable. Wrapped up in a cocoon type. It is going to take some undertaking to get out of my funk because it doesn't feel all that bad. It is safe. It is like a drug that numbs and deflects reality. I'm in my own little world devoided of everything. It sucks me in a little more everyday.

I'm becoming more cynical and don't care about much at the moment. That in it self is freeing. Society just gets the big middle finger at the moment. I also really don't care what anyone thinks at the moment about me . It is actually freeing of the chains of what I'm suppose to do. Because I don't do anything lately that I think I SHOULD do. Or what anyone wants me to do.

GRRRRRRRRRR

It has been a wacky time since I have last posted. I feel like I have been in a black hole of some sort. The days have been dragging into crap day after day and have been a l ittle numbing. J still has her medical stuff going on. It has been horrible trying to find a right dose or medication to control J's blood pressure. We haven't went out much because I don't drive and J is so dizzy, tired and just feels real flu like. I have been out like once in 9 days and I'm getting cabin fever pretty bad. Plus, I just have a ton of stuff to do. I just shake my head at what to do since I live pretty far from town and can't get to it. I tell J it is totally unacceptable that the med makes J not be able to drive. J doesn't listen to me but the nurse. The nurse pisses me off because the med has not done much except make J lazier than J was before and very tired, dizzy etc. It also doesn't do much in controlling the blood pressure. It is all over the place and never stable. J is also suppose to go on a diet and lose a ton of weight. I see that is impossible if J can't get J's ass off the couch. I really don't have a weight problem like J. I have had to research diabetic diets and portions. Which I will stop doing because it is J's responsibility. I cook three times a day now and it isn't something I really like to do. Once a day is more my thing.(dinner) Fend for yourself the rest of the day kind of thing. I told J that J is responsible for the snacks that J is suppose to have. I really do have enough on my plate without J being a helpless zombie. I don't really know what to do about it. I really am getting frustrated by not being able to do what I need to do. (lack of transportation)

The biggest thing is J seems not to care. It was bad before all this about J's health came out but it really has got to the point J does literally nothing except seat on the couch all day and watch tv for hours. I'm about ready to explode on J. I'm also sick of babysitting a 60 year old. I have learned one thing the more I do the more shit gets dumped on me. Point is the fiances. I had that totally dumped on my lap this month. The other day I was asked what is the various accounts doing. I sort of looked at J like what are you talking about . J can check any of those anytime with the computer. I said I don't know why don't you look yourself. Then I was informed I thought you where handling the money. That was news to me. I guess J has jumped off a sinking ship . Are finances have been sort of a mess since all the remodeling. I get to figure out how to fix all this shit. Which I will with my creative budgeting. It is like pulling a rabbit out of my ass. I will make it work by really cutting something. What i don't know. I'm barely above water and treading water. We have a appointment which has been changed two times with a financial advisor at the bank. One time the bank. One time me. I just didn't feel like getting a lecture yesterday. Also, all the blah , blah ,blah you have money but you don't shit. It is frustrating when you have most of your money locked into something and will have to take a penalty but then get a lecture about how you going to pay this and this back and you say oh that locked in thing that is maturing and get another lecture you cant do that because it will still be a penalty. Also, the thing about can you think about how long you can possible live and will that money help you into your golden years bs. I have no idea how many years I'm going to live or J is going to live but I know quote planning on the wonderful golden years is speech is driving us nuts because we are in debt up to our eyeballs and are worth more money wise dead. Which we really don't care to give anyone our money when we die. We need it now to make life not so hectic and stressful.

On a better note I finally got my treadmill in at the store and just need it to be delivered. Someone will deliver it Friday or Saturday. I have a ton to clear out to give it a home. I have been procrastinating on that one and plan on working my butt off the next couple of days to make room for it. I really can't wait to run and walk on it. I really need a better stress release. It has been very cold her lately and finally has started snowing like it should. I will be toasty warm inside now. If i ever get the motivation to put the thing together. If I don't I will hire someone to do it so it doesn't sit in a box for months. I'm not a very handy person when it comes to putting things together. I'm basically two thumbs. I do better at electronics or anything else when it comes to the home. I rather lift that treadmill than put it together. I could have J to do it but J won't get off J's ass to do anything.

I need to learn how to detach real soon again because I'm pretty pissed off.