Friday, June 8, 2012

My Brain Is Tired

My brain and body are exhausted. I'm sitting here trying to get my thoughts in order and they seem scrambled. I feel emotionally drained this past week and a half. My visit with K ends next Monday. I have been going hard since K has been here. Trying everyday to come up with something to do when the weather has been very screwed up. One day it is cold and rainy then to sunny or overcast. The weather lies all the time. It was suppose to rain yesterday and it was a wonderful pretty day. Ended up doing shopping on a pretty day because it said it was suppose to storm the whole day. Also, K wanted some piercings. I'm like what ever floats your boat. It isn't like I can say much having as many tats as I do and piercings. I took out all my piercings though. I do feel that they where tasteful. One was in her ear and on a weird place and the other was her belly button. She has a pretty body so she can really rock her belly piercing. K is all into appearances and pretty much takes forever in the bathroom putting a lot of effort in her hair, makeup and clothes. While I'm ready in 15 minutes.

One day we about tore each others heads off sparring. Since then it has been quiet and actually nice. I'm not going to take K's crap and neither is she mine. It doesn't help we are both moody and insecure around each other. I have just mainly figured out give K what she wants so we don't fight. It is for so little of a time that I can be more giving. I do set myself up though giving and giving and then when it becomes to much blow the hell up. I have tried to stop the material things as much because it is just really breaking me. I haven't even sat down and figured it up because it is a couple of thousand as we stand and it is money I don't have. I feel guilty as hell putting my foot down but try to do other things that are domestic like bake brownies or listen without giving advice even though I think some of the things that K does are terrible. I'm sure I wasn't all that wonderful at 17 but I can actually see my mothers influence on K and it isn't great. K is so high maintenance but I love her anyway. Maybe, high maintenance people get what they want though as I was never high maintenance and haven't much got what I have wanted in life. I'm happier with less or do I tell myself that? I will have to ponder that. I do know I settle for less out of people and that is my own fault. In the past couple of years I have even allowed myself to get lazy and settle for nothing out of myself also. I have been basically been trudging for awhile.

K's visit has actually challenged me emotionally and physically and that is good but produces a lot of anxiety. It also makes me want to get out more. Not as much as I have been getting out but maybe a couple of times a week when K leaves. I actually look forward to swimming this summer when it does get warm enough. I have also been eating better since K has been here also. Three smallish meals a day and well balanced. I normally only fix two meals a day . K makes me behave like someone with structure and that is a good thing even if it is trying.


  1. I think this visit is pulling up a hell of a lot of soul searching for you (what is it about being with people in this way which opens a million cans of worms? ;) ) But from this angle, it is teaching you both some really important things. For you, you have been eating well, thinking about getting out more, having more structure, and these are really brilliant ways of caring for yourself, aren't they? But I think you have a really vital, essential lesson to teach K, and that is the value of the good things - the important things - which are not dependent on finances. And I think you are right about being happier with less; I think there is no alternative in fact. Because while we are not want want wanting, we are live live living.

    It is draining, just exhausting being in company for that length of time whilst simultaneously juggling a thousand emotions, so you should be really proud of yourself for getting through it. It is so easy to forget how hard these things are, and hard to convey to those who just don't get it.

    Rest, Kristy. Rest Rest rest.

    x N

    (PS, you were NEVER going to be one of the ones I kicked off, and you know it. ;) )

  2. Yes some people are so draining on us in my family it my sister Sue she drains people around her because it has to always be about her, so I understand how draining it is to just give in and let them get their own way because there is a part of you that ever when you giving in is screaming in your head NO NO NO I don't want to do that or eat that or go there but you do becuase it is easier then saying no and trying to do, eat or go where you would rather.......