Saturday, June 2, 2012

Where has the time gone

I haven't blogged in a long time. I really haven't felt like it much. Life really has been busy with the good and the bad. My mood has been all over the place also with all the stress. Everything has been breaking. I'm to the point I can't pull money out of my ass. I have had J's glasses break, lawnmower,
brakes on the truck, A huge pipe to the house that had to be dug up by a backhoe and other machinery. It was ten feet down and leaking. Had to go without water for several days. We are on our own water system and have to pay all the cost associated. Also, my mother hasn't been well but is better now. That is a relief as you can fix that other stuff even though I have had a eye twitch for a month. Also, when my mood was a little high at the first of April. I made a not wise decision to book a trip to see BB King. That was real fun but cost way to much as we stayed over night and went to a casino. I only spent 40 at the casino and gambled a couple of hours and came home with 20. So, thankfully my mania wasn't flaring up that much. I did think the casino overstimulated me though. It made my head hurt. I even had to say I needed to go back to the room as it was overstimulating me to much. I would either stay and have to drink and probably gamble more to settle my nerves. I didn't want to do that so took a timeout and went back to the room until the concert. The concert was great except the seat triggered my back to act up and is still acting up a little. The pain is dull and just makes me tired. Some asshat was kicking and stomping the seat and it almost felt like sea sickness. I couldn't believe the asshats probably where in there 50's. I would expect that from a teen-ager but not some adult that old. Somebody , behind me was tone death and was singing all the songs also. I really didn't pay to hear someone overshadow bb's singing. I was in a goodish mood so overlooked it. The concert was late for me so I was so drained coupled with back pain. I barely made it through dinner after the concert. I limped back to the limo to take us back to the room. I had a laugh at the limo as it was a 80ish limo that looked like it might at one time belonged to a funeral home. It cost 8 bucks for J and I to get back to the room that probably was 2 blocks away. Worth it since no sidewalks to walk on and a very busy highway with probably drunk people..

I have also for the last month been decluttering. Rented a huge dumpster to clean out the house and garage. I hate clutter and J is a semi hoarder or she would say collector. I say it is to much for me and it has to go. I can live in some clutter but not where it impedes me. I would prefer none but I comprise. It is to much for J also. Also, the house became such a mess , disorganized etc over the course of the last year with me experiencing more depression that I'm used to. I really have been working at it but I'm a little at a stand still. It is getting harder. I just wish I could do the pitching but I will not pitch nothing without J's permission even if I think it is silly. It is looking better though but I feel guilt for not re homing the stuff as a lot of it is good. I just really really need it out of here for both of our sanity and before winter. Winter is when I get severely depressed and need it as easy as possible around here and maybe for a cleaning lady to come in twice a month. I'm already preparing for my extended depression.  

My daughter is visiting this week. I haven't seen her in 2 years. My daughter is a story in it's self. I have blogged enough so will try to tell the whole story some other time. But back to my daughter it is causing so much anxiety her being here. The anxiety is me because I haven't been much of a parent for the past 4 years. I have stayed in touch but I feel like I really don't know her as well as I should. Feel tons of guilt. I also really want to please her. She has been here for 3 days now. It has been going well (I think but who knows) My daughter K, doesn't show her feelings much so it is really hard to try to read her. K is very sarcastic which has always been her personality and mixes her humour into her sarcasm. What I take as a barb is her humour and her way of dealing with things but sometimes it hurts my feelings. J does it to and sometimes I feel like they are picking at me. I had enough last night and just casually went to bed. I needed my space from the both of them. Our house is small and it is hard to get away and have my time so I go to bed early and get up early. Which is my schedule anyway. I have not much energy either and K is a go -go person that needs barely any sleep. I'm really fighting not totally shutting down at the moment but run on fumes as I feel even before she came used up. She does put some energy back into me though. It really forces me to fake having energy and a decent attitude. I need to tell myself it wont be perfect but I will try my hardest. Trying my hardest when I don't feel like a damn is so hard but I'm doing it. I really want to try to live in the moment because I probably wont get a visit for along time after this since K is so busy in her own life. Going to be going to university soon. She probably wont have much time for me. But I'm so grateful she will visit me period. We have been through a lot and never thought 4 -5 years ago she would ever visit me.


  1. I hear so much of me in this post and I understand how you are feeling.....although I guess no one can feel your feelings. I have the clutter and it affects me bad. I too want to just toss it. Seems like the easiest way. But it is just too difficult. And mothering the daughter that you don't feel a connection to...I have that. And I am also well versed in depression. Sucks. Hope you feel better and take care of you. Don't feel guilty about doing so. Peace.

  2. Wow! Have you ever been going through a lot. Fortunately you have survived.

    Glad your daughter is visiting, even if her visit is a challenge. Good mom, you!

    Blessings and Bear hugs.