Sunday, June 3, 2012

Rainy Days

I woke up extremely early today. In the wee hours of the morning. I did go to bed real early though. Can't force my sleep it comes when it comes. I started reading blogs and noticed someone dropped following me. Made me scratch my head a little. Made me ask am I to boring, depressing, etc. Just really made me wonder why. I guess Im not there cup of tea. I don't loose sleep over it though because I'm who I'm. Chaotic post, some just normal, some dark, some just ramblings. It is just all me.This is sort of like my on-line diary. Most of the time I put my normal face on in public and most people would never in a million years know how screwed up I'm or how lately how stress out I'm.

Anyways, lately I have been telling myself I'm OK and not stressed. Do the anxiety etc. I will get through this stressful period called life even though it seems everything is breaking down etc. It does work to a certain extent but my body tells me stress, stress ,stress. My eye is twitching all the time, I'm up and down all night. I physically tired etc. I have been trying everything I know how to deal with my stress. Bubble Bathes, Breathing Excersises,Talking it out, Journalling,Eating right, Trying to not focus on my problems all the time, even drinking at times for the anxiety (not excessive), PRN Pills. You name it and I figured it will just have to pass like anything else. Most of all what gets me through things is distraction.

I went to see Men In Black 3 yesterday. It was a cute mindless movie. Didnt think of anything else during that time except getting popcorn in my teeth and being consumed by the movie. At first , I had to laugh it was the small and a outdated theather. I'm guessing at the seats being late 60's -70sih with the place having half the screen a modern one would have also. The sound was decent though. It was also something to do on a cool rainy day. I can't believe it has been in the 50's  for the past 3 days and doesnt have any hope to get warmer till tuesday and that will be in the low 70s. We have needed the rain badly. The catch is it doesnt help my visit. Even if the rain will just clear up next week it will be easier. Today is suppose to be rainy and cold. So, we are going to play old-fashion board games, rent movies and eat pizza. Hopefully, I will catch a nap also.

I really hope for decent weather. Last Thursday when we picked up K from the airport. The guy that put off securing the dock and putting it back into working order finally did it. It blew me away because he is so unpredictable. I was amazed it was done. I really look forward to the lake warming up and swimming this summer. Even got a wetsuit to swim when it is coolish. I think it is still real cool water. I also plan on getting the canoe out next week. Nothing like a paddle around the lake. I'm crossing my fingers for better weather as the place I live in is all about the outdoors and just makes things a little harder when it is cold and rainy. Cold doesnt bother me as much as Cold and raining. I have also planned a day on the request of K to take her to Canada's Wonderland. I'm not much of a fan of rollercoasters and neither is my back. But none the less I will go and walk around and might ride some rides. It is about a 3 hour drive not speeding to the place. If it keeps raining we will go to another city though that has more urban attractions. I'm trying to be real flexible.

I also had a talk with J about J being sarcastic with me also. J said she didnt realize what she was doing. Yesterday, no sarcasm. Also, had a talk about not putting me in the middle with the tension with K. They both have some tension with each other. Nothing terrible but none the less I dont want to be put in the middle. It really stresses me out when I want to make them both happy and a drama free visit. K was blaming J yesterday when we had a moment to ourselves about how I'm normal now and J is to blame for my anti-social ways lack of being normal etc. Basically J has rubbed off on me. I pointed out that was not true. The reason why I appear more stable than I'm is because I do basically live in isolation. That was my choice. I did tell her to try to remember how I was years ago. I was totally off my rocker and acting out. I was manic all the time also. If it appeared that I had more energy and was more social that was my mania. I don't think she gets it but told her she can tell me these things but please don't hurt J's feelings. J is very good to K and trys. J doesnt even resent the money I spend on K or the expensive plane ticket I bought K to come here. Me and J are a little stressed out about money at the moment but J never told me not to spend money on K. J does now how important this is to me. I really need to spend some alone time with K and hopefully the weather will permit it. I thought I would go paddling with K and just talk. I did spend some time with J alone even though it was whispering in bed while K was sleeping. It meant alot to be able to spend some time with J. It kind of destressed us to be able to talk a little and just lay next to each other holding hands . J is J faults and all but for the most part we get along even if J's quirks get on K's nerves they dont always get on mine. It is also harder because the last time we all(J,K,K) lived together was probaly 2006 to the beginning of 2007 if my mind serves me right. It wasn't idea then and a lot of baggage has been collected over the years. K was 7 when J came into my life. Loads, of baggage. But either one has ever said it to each others face. I'm the lucky one and they tell it to me. Most of all it is nit picking and nothing real major. I guess the major ones is when they bitch about each others personalitys. That doesnt change much and that just has to be accepted.

Well, I have rambled enough. Time for a cup of coffee and some house cleaning.


  1. You are certainly making changes in your life. This sounds wonderful! Not just you, but working with J as well, and maybe K. Change is possible.

    As for losing somebody who was a follower, that may have been Blogger, not the individual. Blogger does some really weird things. Very frustrating things. (I had a terrible time making comments for a while; then everything changed.) But you've still got a lot of people who are interested in what you have to say and what you are feeling. And not only people, but a Bear, too.

    Blessings and Bear hugs on a Sunday afternoon.

  2. Never nice to be stuck in the middle I have often felt like I am in the middle between my oldest and youngest daughters and it really sucks.........So you lost a follower their loss not yours really since you are wonderful and funny and if they don't want to share in all your wonderfulness then so be it bugga off we don't need

    Our weather here has been cold and wet since last week it was a miserable weekend and I was glad I didn't have to go out.........

    I can't remember the last time I went to the movies but would like to see Men In Black 3

  3. Thank-you bear for your kind comments! Jo-anne, thank-you for your kind comments. It is nice to wake up in the morning with such good followers and have support. It makes me smile:)