Running into the New Year

I'm sitting here with my SAD lamp on. It works pretty well and pretty fast when I'm struggling with depression. I have to cut back the times on the lamp or it makes me hyper. I really don't need to be hyper. My energy levels have been so low since I have had the flu and other aggravations.

I'm slowly very slowly sorting out the house. I haven't done much as I have been sick. I have had a time of getting my new treadmill that I ordered back in October also. They lead me on for two months then said it was never going to be available. Took the money before shipping or anything else and told me I would have to wait 30 days to get it back. Well, this didn't sit well with me and nicely and assertive I told them they would give me something similar as to the one I ordered since at the time I ordered everything was on sale and now what I want or anything similar wasn't on sale. I was very angry. I looked at the bank account today and the money was back. I called Sears again made them give me a similar product for what I purchased the other one for. I'm happy now. It was driving me nuts when none of it was going right. I have always wanted a treadmill. I really would love to start walking and jogging no matter what the weather is and I think I will actually stick to it every day until it gets a little warmer to do it outdoors. I'm not a big fan of winter running. I also need the stress relief of walking or running when I'm consumed with anxiety. It works faster than a pill.

I'm really looking forward to next year and it can't get here fast enough. I really feel like it is going to be a better year as it is starting to look up already. The chaos of this house will be here for awhile but it now seems not so overwhelming for today. I'm hoping to get something done no matter how little it is.

Rambles of the past month

Life is getting back to some sort of normal for me. It has been a long month with many changes. I haven't really felt like blogging. Why I really don't know. We have had our bathroom gutted and a lot of kitchen torn out also. It was suppose to take a week and ended up taking 17 days. 15 of those days we had to live in a shitty motel room. We managed to encounter many problems that we didn't know that existed with this house and ran way over budget fixing things like electrical and serious plumbing. It was like one of those nightmare remodel shows that they show you what someone else tried to screw you on and encounter big problems trying to fix it. Anyway, I managed to get real depressed during this time with mounds of anxiety. I think part of the reason was eating a horrible diet full of processed fast food and frozen or canned crap at the motel. At the end I found a electric skillet and a mini crock pot and ended up fixing way healthier options and could feel the difference in energy and over all feeling a little better.

It still wasn't home and we had to walk and take out two very unruly dogs and hope we didn't let the cat who was pissed off out the motel room door also in every kind of weather you can think of. One day snow storms next day sleet, then after that tons of rain. Not a very happy camper when I was suppose to smoke out side with this shit also. After a couple of days probably four I had it . I was a raging bitch for my nicotine. I broke down and started to smoke in the comforts of the room. I probably would of thought different if it was a decent place with decent people owning it. We didn't get our room cleaned in the 15 days we where there. I ended up cleaning it better than when we rented it. That dive was the cheapest in the area to rent at about 70 a day with animals which ended up costing about a thousand for 15 days. The place truly was out of the twilight zone and the people where super weird. It made me feel pretty damn sane. That is really something when a lot of people consider me eccentric and a little off

The old dog seemed to like it and loves the cold weather now. Seems to have went into a sort of remission. I'm very confused why he is still alive and doing OK for now. That can turn tomorrow. I'm just thankful he made it through x-mas and probably to the new year. It buys a little time which I need. Life has been seriously chaotic and I don't need that right now. Still having to wake up in the middle of the night to let him out. J has done it the majority of a year now taking him out in the middle of the night. Not to bad if you can just send him out and go back to sleep when he is done. But a real pain having to put on all your winter clothes and boots chain him and walk around for 10 minutes so he can find the perfect spot. He is real picky about his bathroom habits and makes you want to rage at the poor animal when your freezing your ass off in the pitch dark.
He knows when we get at the end of our ropes with him and then hurried up. Thank god we are home now and it is as easy as just opening up the door for him so he can take his sweet loving time.

My shoulders and back acted up pretty badly from all the moving I was doing getting everything out of the kitchen and bathroom and just general stuff I purged from the house since we had a huge dumpster. Ended up firing my old massage therapist because she basically worked when she wanted to and was just a serious flake. Ended up with a better assessment of my shoulder and back. It seems which I knew a little already was my accident that broke a collar bone was acting up. The scar tissue seems to be pulling everything to my right side making my left shoulder hurt. Some how my back muscles are twisted also. Never really figured out what I do to cause that but it hurts. I wasn't able to lift my arms over my head. I had two massages and it seems to release probably the rotar cuff and what ever tight muscle. She was talking muscles and everything else showing it to me on a chart and it was all Greek to me. But I really did appreciate trying to explain things to me and taking me more serious and just not taking my money and doing a half ass job. She was a real positive person and it really made a difference getting the massage also and not having to listen to negative politics that I don't agree with like the other one did. I like relaxing and not talking. It showed me how my needs where not being took into consideration by the other one. It is hard for me to be objective about dysfunctional people or even see I'm around them because I tolerate a lot of stuff from people. It wasn't until I got angry I changed. Have wanted to for along time and even stopped going to massage. I also thought it was wonderful she suggested basic yoga to stretch all the muscles that hurt me as away of helping and managing the muscle pain. Also showed me stretches for the shoulders that hurt but it hurts worse not to do them. I'm sure exercise will help with my mood as it always has in the past. I was way more active this summer and seen how inactive I have became already this winter. I will have to change that to survive winter this year.

I have been so sick over the holidays with some sort of flu. I'm pretty sure being ran down and handing a lot of stress it was probably pretty easy to pick up something. I have been just sleeping and eating healthy to make it go away. Some good all in one flu pills help mask the symptoms some. I'm feeling a lot better but still probably have a couple of days to get back to normal. I look forward to this new year and putting the old one behind. I hope to be updating more .

A blessed ride

I thought I would share something than my usual ramblings. Something that was touching and interesting to me. Yesterday, we had to go to town for the usual get our smokes from the rez at the island and pick out items for our remodel , some shopping and pick up our laundry from the laundry service. Yes, I'm lazy and send my laundry out instead of doing it myself at the laundry mat. Anyway,....

After having an unhealthy lunch at the Dairy Queen we where headed out to the island to buy smokes. They are a lot cheaper than buying them in town. We buy them on a reservation. Which we simply say The Rez. We have four in the area we live. This one is on an island and closet to town. For those that don't live in North America an Indian Reserve is where the government rounded up Native people and allotted them land after they took away their land. It is pretty nasty business. Not all reserves are poor but the majority of them are very poor and have many social ills rooted into western society. The reserve when entering it yesterday would be considered a more wealthy reserve. Appearances can be deceiving also. It is home to the Anishinaabe which consist of three tribes. ( Ojibwe, Odawa, and Potawatomi). So, that is a little background in a very simplistic way.

Back t o the story. We where driving along our route out to the island. When this older women who looked elderly was hitch hiking. At first we pasted her debating whether or not to pick up a hitchhiker. I also observed this woman was probably drunk. Swaying to one side and could hardly keep her balance. We had the truck full in the back seat. We talked not to much between us before J swung the truck around and I lowered the window to offer the woman a ride. I said if you can squeeze yourself back there your more than welcome to get in. I tried to move some stuff over but it was a tight fit among 4 loads of clothes and other junk I haven't removed like cherry logs that I haven't split up into chunks yet for smoking meat. It also had dog beds and dog blanket. Very scary to me to ever have to sit back in that mess. She managed to climb into the horrible mess . I would of gave her the front seat but the floor where I sit hasn't been cleaned in awhile and was full of cans and coffee cups etc. No leg room .Harder for a drunk person not to kick out all the debris.I don't litter so have just a ton of trash there till I get to the dump. So it wasn't much better because the truck needs a serious cleaning it is so messy at the moment. I also store many things out in the truck . That is a blog into its self as that thing is a rolling storage. She was very happy to get in. She asked before she got in if we where going over to the island. We said yes. She really didn't talk much. We where seating in silence for most of the 10 minute ride over to the Island. The fumes she filled the truck up was something. It smelled like a brewery. All blew at the back of my head. It filled the cab up quickly. When we got over to the Island she asked us where we where going. We told her and then promptly ask her if we could drop her off at her own home. As, the island is pretty big place.

I tried to put myself in her shoes and so did J. We would never in a million years want or walk that far just to the Island in it's self as it is a fair distance to town. Much less have to navigate in such a drunken state to get home on a fair size island. We insisted no matter how far it wasn't a problem. Which in our boring lives we are simply not very busy people in the over all scheme of things. The woman started to talk a little in a real low voice. We where remarking how pretty the bay was. She told us the name of it in that area. She was also telling us little tid bits of life. She was telling J the directions to her house. J was driving and noticed she has been in that area before going to another friends house that lives out in that area. I guess that is when the woman over heard that remark and became more friendly. J knew a little about her family because J used to work with a relative of the woman's. J also knew a little of her families history. That is when she told us the reason why she lived in that area on the island. Her grandfather secured the land around the little area and road to house the family because many people discriminated against them as they also had white blood in them. I really don't know her story of being discriminated against. It just intrigued me as I have faced a lot of discrimination in the past and probably not as horrifically as this woman has. Being discriminated in her own community because she can't help her birth or in town where she would be discriminated against simply having Indian in her and living where she does. The woman can't simply win. It mad me feel sad. It made me sad that she was probably an alcoholic also. She was so drunk at 2 in the afternoon. So it probably is safe to say she probably is an alcoholic. Sad, because she also looked poor by her cheap attire. Sad, that alcohlism many times conflicts against spirituality and values in her community. Sad because she probably has many demons she is fighting. Also, sad that most of society just sees a drunk poor Indian woman on the side of the road and doesn't give a damn. They say it is a choice to behave in such away. All the mean things they say against the native communities isn't fair either. Most white people around here really are very judgemental when it comes to the Native community. Words that are very nasty and vile get thrown around a lot about the native people. It is because they never have and never will try to understand the native community and think they have the same opportunities as white people. They have some but really have to fight to achieve the same thing. No one really wants to understand the circle of poverty either. Everyone just wants to say pull yourself up by your boot straps. Well that is nice but not everyone can . It gets a little more complex with the native communities also. It would be like telling a mentally ill person to just get it together. As anyone that is mentally ill knows it just isn't that simple.

Off my soap box. I just really felt for this woman. All , we could do for her is give her some respect and give her a ride. I felt like she gave us more as it felt good to give her a ride and made me less pity my loathing self and in my head scream about my injustices in my head.

Another Mixed Day

Grr. I can't get this to edit or spell check. I guess I will edit it and spell check it later.

I really didn't want to blog but it has been awhile. The reason why I didn't want to blog is I feel like I sound like a broken record and I much don't have anything much to say. I'm trudging along in my mixed mood. It isn't all bad as I don't have that paralyzed feeling I often get being mixed where I don't do anything except watch TV and play on the computer. I don't have much drive though and when I make myself do something I often have hyper focus. Or I'm just totally scattered not knowing what direction I should take during the day. My routine is so off at the moment. I do try though if I can remember what to do. I used to have everything wrote down for occasions like this how I do each task and didn't have to think about how to get through a task. When I get back out of this mood I shall write down my lack of routine or routine on how I do things around the house and what I need to do. Things, I need to keep up etc. Many things get forgot during this period of time. Many things lack attention to detail also. I guess it is my lack of concentration. I'm generally not like this.

I'm still waiting on word about how much it is going to cost us to remodel. The guy said he would get back to us next week well it is next week and a little past. It has been about 8-9 days if I remember right. It pisses me off as I have to plan everything to the money. Money and lack of money for this is a big stressor for me at the moment.

Another stressor is my dog is failing and I'm going to have to put him to sleep. I don't know when as when I was thinking and writing an e-mail to a friend I thought maybe this week by describing his condition. Well, Mr. Brett, surprised me yesterday and had a very good day and managed to wake us only twice . Once in the middle of the night and morning when I generally wake up. Damn, this dog isn't going to make it easy. Most days though he has been not himself and his bad days are starting to really catch up with him. I will play it by ear. I do think he can't possible make it till next month and it would be something if he could make it without suffering. That is wishful thinking though and I will deal with this and not fall apart. I have had this dear dog for almost 12 years. He has been to hell and back with me. Thick and thin. He is also my dear friend and has travelled with me over the years. He has travelled more than most people have. Basically, he is my loyal companion that never has judge me in the almost 12 years I have had him during my illness. That says a lot as many people have left my life in this time period because they didn't want to be around me anymore. Some have left because they are deceased. His life span has brought much change in my life and not all for the better. Most of all I will miss my running buddy. As, a Brittany he really loved to run and would work me out and as a younger dog run me or drag me and give me the exercise I needed twice a day at one time.
He will be missed and I have wonderful and not so wonderful memories of him. He was not the best behaved dog and a hand-full most of his life. He makes me shake my head. He has grown to be a fine dog though.

I don't know what I will do today. Probably some cleaning around the house. I never lack anything to do around the house. I also have a new spin bike that I need to make room for. I need to get J to put that thing together. I need to stay busy and get what I can get done. I'm always afraid the other shoe will drop and I will be in a dark deep funk. I always try to prepare for my funks but most of the time fail to prepare the best. I just can't allow myself to go there again. I will do anything not to get to that point.

Good Stress VS Bad Stress

It is early morning.(4ish) I have been up since about 1am. I went to bed very early yesterday about 6. it was so perfect going to bed so early. I have been extremely tired and stressed out this past week. I pretty much said I had enough stress yesterday and said I would give myself two very lazy anything goes days . No structure , no schedule, no nothing except what I want to do. It is perfect. I have had so much anxiety and nervous energy it was making me very scattered. The stress started to make me have a ton of nausea.

Some of the stress has been good stress but none the less stress. Had the contractor come out for the estimate for the remodel of the bathroom and kitchen. Will hear back with a detailed estimate, time frame , plan of action, etc. A ton of work there. It makes me nervous about the prospect about the cost. Thousands of dollars and I want it right and I have to pick out what I want. I tend to second guess my self. I want it perfect as I will probably live with the results for the rest of my life. Then part of me really doesn't give a crap as long as it is fixed and clean looking. It doesn't have to be fancy but functioning. It is so not functioning at the moment because everything is busted and falling apart in bad shape. So anything is better attitude. I really don't want trendy either. As, I have trendy early 70's which is hideous in the kitchen. Oh it is an eyesore. Plain you can always work with and doesn't go out of style. I like many things with a classic look and will probably try to build on that.

Been working on the decluttering. J has actually removed a whole wardrobe of clothes to give me closet space. The shaming did work even though I feel awful about it. But like one friend who knows about the situation said J deserved it and a long time coming. The whole fixing everything in the house has sparked a fire under J and it really is wonderful. The negative in me wonders how long it will last though. The whole clearing and cleaning is a ton of hard work and stressful to be honest. I still have a ton to do. Even embarrassed my self letting the cable guy and the contractor in with two big piles I was working on in the living room. It seems to organize and clear you can make a bigger mess. I'm hopeful that things will have a place.

Made the decision also to buy home gym equipment. Made me gag how much sturdy commerical grade gym equipment cost. Bought a treadmill and a spin bike. Now to clear room for it. Major purchases give me the sweats . I look at it as saving money as the gym membership here is 65 bucks a month. The gym has worn out equipment and is very over priced. I'm also more likely to work out in the morning before a gym is even open. I can work out in my pjs. Also, not likely to walk or run in the winter here as it is real damn cold and has very snowy periods and snow squalls from the lake effect. Not my cup of tea. I will more get outside when winter settles and make an effort this year to do more winter sports I love.

I also went to the eye doctor this week. Looking at my eyes and having a scan of my eye revealed a blood clot in the blood vessel in my eye. I don't know what to make of it. He was real vague. Kept asking if I was diabetic. Not that I know of. I have been stuck and jabbed most of the year. I think I would know if I was. Who knows but with that he is contacting my doctor to do more test and treatment and will learn more this coming month. Oh and wants an ultra sound of my neck to see if i have any obstruction to prevent blood flow to my left eye. I really don't know how I feel about this. Still, many unanswered things with this new news. I don't like it I can tell you that.

Sometimes, it feels like one thing after another. I can handle it though. I was just getting used not to have to be a professional patient and all the various test etc. It was a relief when I had many test over this year to restart it again. Oh well. I do have some nice glasses again and see a lot better. I have put a ton of effort and money into taking care of myself this year. Something , I promised myself around New Years. I feel much better doing it also. It hasn't been perfect as I have had times where I haven't this year but over all it is coming a long. Even had a tune-up massage and boy I can feel the difference when I do that. The money thing of taking care of myself bothers me a little though. It is expensive to really take care of yourself. I keep telling myself I'm worth it though.

Enough rambling , babbling and time to close. I can feel another lazy day today. I love those days. Enough time to distress to start another week.

Sunday Stealing

I stole this here http://sundaystealing.blogspot.com/2011/10/questions-galore-meme-part-3.html. and here : http://www.diamondsandthediva.com The rules to use it are at this link.


41. What is a quote that you love? Really I love many quotes and have many books on quotes. I'm indecisive at the moment on quotes.

42. Do you think of pure hate as something humanity created? I think it is part of most humans and innate

43. When was the last time you wanted to scream? This last week I have wanted to scream a lot.

44. Do you ever at times see the world in black and white? I see the world as grey

45. Have you ever thought that cell phones are too obtrusive?Yes, don't take them out to eat and annoy me with your conversation. Why the hell do some people shout on their phones? Don't take your phone also to a place where their should be silence and interrupt everyone.

46. In your life, where do you thank the rainbow will end? In bed

47. What is something that you never want to do again? So many mistakes that I never want to repeat again.

48.When was the first time you realized the world was small? Back in the early 90's on the Internet. Many many people with the same problems and interest all over the world.

49. How you spend your time contemplating life’s mysteries? Haven't in years it drives me nuts

50. Ever discuss your political beliefs with people? I used to . Not anymore, most peoples political beliefs aren't up for discussion. People live in a political fiery landscape. I might not agree with peoples leanings but I can respect them. Each to their own.

51. Do you care about the environment?Yes I really do even though sometimes I'm not environmentally friendly. I feel guilty then when I can do better but don't out of convince.

52. What’s your motto for life? Be respectful of people and how they live. It isn't up to me to be judgemental. We all have choices.

53. Is progress destroying the beauty of the world? No

54. Do you believe there is life somewhere else in the universe? I don't know

55. Would you like to rule a country?Hell No. I have a hard time ruling my own home.

56. Do you believe everything has a purpose? No but we can learn from things.

57. Is war ever for the best? Not in my opinion. Most war is over religion and resources

58. Could you kill anyone in defense of self or loved ones? Yes

59. How do you react to people (Such as Governor Rick Perry) who don't believe global warming is really our fault? I think Rick Perry is a pandering political idiot. You can only pollute so much . I think it has been happening since the dawn of people polluting though. Thinking man is superior over the environment.

60. Does love conquer all? No

61. Is euthanasia morally acceptable? I don't want to make other peoples choices.

62. Is world peace impossible? Yes

63. Is pride a good or a bad thing?Good and Bad

64.What do you think is the purpose of your life? Still trying to figure it out. Maybe I serve as a bad example of what not to do.

5. Do you believe in karma? No, Many bad people never get what they put out.

Very Irritated-Venting

I'm not very irritated or even angry at the moment but was yesterday. I guess I will have to say what is irritating me. It is J. I should back up and tell you the story. Yesterday, I had to clean the camper out to store for the winter. I have been keeping the majority of my clothes in the camper because I have no room in this house full of J's junk. If you would ask J it wouldn't be junk. I have tried to get J to make room for me over the years but to not much avail. It has been one excuse after another. Everything is precious to J and has a memory associtated with it. I can understand that but what I don't understand is allowing your junk to own you and make you miserable and not making way for a new chapter of your life. I have been coming to our house which was J's at one time for going almost on 10 years. Lived here going on 4 years. It is time to make room for me.
Yesterday, I snapped and posted and tagged J on my personal facebook with the problem of not getting rid of the stuff and making room for me. I guess I was trying to shame J into action. J doesn't care what I think. But J certainly does care what other people think. I have been hearing an ear full since I have done that. But guess what. J cleared out a ton in a wardrobe that I can fit some of my clothes in. Also, J is an artist and I took J's studio and put all my shit in there. You can't even walk in it now until I get room to put my stuff:) I tried the nice way for years to get J to do something with all this disaster in this house to the point I just for the most part accepted that I wasn't ever going to have the house the way I wanted or have any room for my stuff. I can't really stand clutter. I really can't stand a messy house. Our house is messy because of all the stuff in this house. You can't put things away if you are buried in stuff. It makes it harder to clean with a house full of junk. I have managed over the years to get the paper clutter and old magazines out of the house. Broken stuff out of the house etc. Duplicates of many things, manic purchases but not down to the core. It doesn't look like a hoarders house but is still to full of clutter for my taste. I'm not even talking about 5 thousand books that J owns. I will accept that as they are all in a bookcase stored properly but never vacuumed. J has read all those books also. I pick and choice my battles and the books aren't a part of my battle at the moment. When i lived in the states I got rid of all books and found homes for them after I read them except reference books.
In the states, I didn't have clutter. That doesn't mean I never had clutter but I got rid of it and would do a purge every 3 -6 months of stuff that wasn't needed. People really don't need many things and it is also more economical not to stuff your home with junk and trinkets etc. It is easier to clean. Plus in today's world you can almost store everything electronically pictures, music, books, paper work, keepsakes etc.
Being bipolar for me I have to keep the chaos at a minimal. I can't have my home full of chaos and have it hard to clean. This house has about drove me insane for several years. I'm not going back and forth any more. I used to only be able to take 3 months at a time here before I would want to go back to the states to my home. I really miss an ordially environment. Where everything had a place and I don't have to look half a day for something. Or it take me a day to dust. I have bad allergies and this mess doesn't help it. It would also be cheaper because living here I take sinus meds every day.
I'm ready for a battle this fall to get rid of some of this crap. Every time I really go to battle with J I do get some of the crap out of the house. I just cant stand battling for my space it is horrible to get J started. I end up not being to battle that much either before J wears me down with mood and attitude. It is like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. But a 2 year old doesn't get psychotic. Also, I found you can put your foot down more with a 2 year old and reason with them.
It changes in little bits I tell myself. J isn't even happy with how the house is and is depressed most of the time because J's stuff has took over . It looks like a bachelor pad in this house. Has looked like this for 30 years at this house. It is amazing though what a little public shaming will do to get someone off there ass. A couple years ago I took pictures of the junk and junk piles and sent them to my mother. My parents who are total neat freaks had about a stroke. Well, I told J I sent those pictures and if I was to send a after pics I would need some of the clutter gone. That worked with all the old magazines stacked every where. The thing is our home is small and if we had a bigger home it wouldn't be so bad. We have very limited space and you can't collect everything. I even bought a VCR / DVD copier so I could get rid of all the vcr movies also. Well, I still cant get rid of the vcr movies because J likes the boxes they are in. I managed a lot of them in a storage tub under the table. I still would love to get t he major rack out of here.
I'm just rambling. I mainly feel hostage to the clutter in this house. I still have a storage container with my stuff in it. Will, I ever see my stuff. Probably not. I got rid of the majority of my stuff when I moved but still have a storage container full. Will I probably get rid of most of it. I probably will. I'm just not all that attached to things. I only like things that enhance my life.Things don't matter as much to me after a house fire and not being able to have my things for years living here.
I will get off here and probably have to deal with attitude all day today and passive aggressive behaviour for the next couple of days. It is funny when you push change people fight back and they know your buttons to stop it. I really don't have much to loose pushing for change as my relationship has been rocky for awhile. I care and don't care. I'm tired of this shit. It is really getting to the point I just have really have had it and the clutter in the relationship is just actually a margin of the problem.

Busy

I have been very busy for the past two weeks. We made the trip to see the elderly in-laws and that was like usual a hot mess. I just want to ring my hands and pretty much have gave up any hope they will go to a home on their own or except any help. I have a suspicion they have cancelled all the help we arraigned for them in June. I do know one thing they bring out the worst in me and most of the time I bury it deep inside me when I'm there. People with senile dementia aren't the most pleasant people to be around and add that to their already deplorable personality and it isn't a pretty mix. I pretty much don't say a world and let them talk and talk about the same ole shit over and over again.
One might ask why I do this. I do this for J and that's it. Poor J is still effected by this visit. It will take J probably a week or more not to be so depressed and feel so powerless. J can't do a damn thing because J doesn't have power of attorney. J's brother does and isn't doing a thing. Even though it would be easy since J's father neglects J's mother. J's mother hasn't had a bath in a bathtub in a year. J's mother is also a fall risk. H J's mother about fell when we where there and both me and J had to help her not fall and put her in the car. J's father can barely walk and only with a walker. It is very sad indeed. He hardly can take care of himself much less someone that has been dx. with Alzheimer's. His screws are getting a little lose also. You can see he displays less cognitive reasoning and logic and is getting senile dementia.

The whole thing is a huge dysfunctional mess. I'm learning how to detach . Anyway, life is getting back to normal. Many things still have to be done before winter. I'm dealing with my mood as it gets messed up around this time. SAD lamp everyday now since it has been dark and gloomy and raining. It does work well. I just have to be careful not to get manic.

Tossed Salad

I want to blog today but don't know how successful I can pull it off with my head so fragmented. My brain is like word soup or word salad. I have many thoughts but just bits and pieces of thoughts from the last week. Trying to put together one thought aka one topic is extremely difficult. So, I guess I will talk about my jumbled brain where the words and thoughts flow like Niagara Falls in a steady gush.
I guess thinking fast or rapidly is a symptom of either hypo-mania, mania or mixed. I would say I'm mixed. Half depressed and half manic. What that means to me is I go in circles like I'm on a carousel that won't stop. I don't get much done as I have no energy but my mind has a ton of energy going fast and not being able to hardly concentrate. It hurts just to write this.

I took what I call my brain glue today to get those fragmented pieces together so I can resume life. As, much as I hate taking Haldol at times I do reserve it for times like this. In a few days my brain will be back together again. I could gradually feel myself slipping into the abyss of mixed moods. Gradually, doing less and less because my brain just can't process it. Either my brain has a crash like a frozen computer locking up or it about short circuits from overload. It is a real pain in the ass but I have been dealing with for years. It is just frustrating when you just want to get simple things done. Or it makes me feel like a big idiot because words that usually come so easy to me to express myself isn't there. It makes me live in my little world in my head. It makes me stay at home because as soon as I get to town I forget why I'm there. I try to make a list but it is so hard to think about what I'm suppose to do and the steps I need to do something. I often think backwards. Never really thought about why my brain processes backwards at times but it does. Maybe, because I'm dyslexic. Probably not, I don't think that is a symptom. I really don't care why I do it but it usually process backwards when I'm in a mood. It really makes it difficult to do many things . They seem to have a label for everything these days. Labels don't change any facts or the symptoms of anything. My brain just isn't processing correctly at the moment and it will stop acting up soon enough. Just not soon enough for me. I go through this hell every year at the same time anyway. The seasons change and so does my brain.

Smile

I have been thinking about blogging for at least the last 2 1/2 hours. I have had many . distractions. My morning has been very disorganized. I didn't even want to get up early this morning but the dog decided he wanted to eat and whined , winged , cryed until he got my attention. I was very irritated with him as it wasn't time. Once woke I have a hard time getting back to sleep.

Half asleep and irritated I put on coffee and was topping off my nictone levels. I started to do my check facebook and blogger rountine I have every morning. I found a blog I read and it was refreshing to see something postive in the blogshephere of someone doing good. It made me want to start my morning and not be grouchy. It is something how postivey can be contagious.

One other example happened last week when J and I vistied a friend of J's that more than likely has terminal cancer. J's friend I will call S. S is so postive about her illness. S has been fighting recurrent and different cancers of the colon, liver and now lung for probaly the last 5 years . S has never been a smoker, drinker and has always took care of herself. Pretty much has lived a real healthy life. S is now recieving very intensive chemo at the moment. When we visited S had a little break from chemo because her blood count was low and has to take breaks from chemo. We arrive and was greeted. Served coffee and had a very nice visit with cake and everything. This is from a woman that doesn't even let cancer get her down but I can hardle make myself cook when I'm depressed or sick. When talking with S she will tell you she has a choice of how to handle her cancer and her life. She can be postive or negative. Telling you negative is so self defeating. She isn't Mary Poppins either with telling you she has bad days but accepts them and doesn't let them get her down. If she has to be in bed all day she trys to enjoy tv or the warmth and comfort of the bed. She doesn't beat herself up about what she isn't doing. S is a very social person and doesn't isolate either. It is a shame people that used to drop by don't drop by as often and I have seen when you get a dx. of anything people just don't know what to say to you and are often afraid of saying the wrong thing.

With S being so open as a person. It is very easy to be around S. S is an open book with her friends and you can't say the wrong thing. I found myself being not as guarded around S as I'm with most people. I was very comfortable and open myself and recieptive. Being around a postive person made me feel from so so to great. It made me forget many of my bitches of the day. It also made me think about how bad I isolate I think I can count on one or two hands how many people I have spoke to in the past year and a half. Most of those people would be service related people(hair dresser or massage) Had two people over to the house in the past year and haven't been to anyones house except in-laws and that is every 3-4 months. As, you see I isolate. This experiance makes me want to try harder with being more social. Also, not to use the excuse I stay in-touch with people via the computer or phone. Real face to face contact is what is needed with people. Having nice laughs and sharing coffee or tea. Engaging is activities with people. It also made me aware I used to not be socially awkard and isolating has made me socially awkard. It has made me want to take chances with people even if they bail on me.

Example: With this experiance I put myself out there. I got an e-mail saying an acquaitance wanted to run. I said sure and made a time etc. Even though I really didn't want to get up at the crack of dawn and run. I prepared the night before and got everything ready. I wake up early and check my e-mail. The person bailed on me saying she couldnt get to sleep in time so bailed. In reality looking at facebook this person flaked on me and had something else better to do. People be smart enough if you say something in e-mail don't be posting on facebook in the early morning and contradicting yourself. It really makes you look like an ass. This person I had a feeling was a flake and it just comfirmed it. Will I still ever go running with this person. Sure but I will never really trust this person and take everything as iffy. It turned out that morning it was storming like hell anyway. I would of just ran by myself as it was a good way to get me started again with running. My running has been so on and off this year. I really need a good boot in the ass to start again and I thought this would of been a great opputunity.

I have been so busy with living lately I haven't had time for running or much of anything else. That is another entry though.

Blogger isn't working correctly and I can't spell check or edit.

Borrowing from the devil

Since, being rejected by my mother for the loan for home repairs it has been a wait game with the bank. It has caused much anxiety . It has made us ask our selves a lot of questions and most of all where the hell are we going to get the money we need.

Yesterday, I tried to clean and do some fall cleaning. I was just a ball of nerves all day. After, taking a break I told J I can't wait till the bank calls. Call the bank. It was about 4:15pm. The bank closes at 4:30. J left a message and lo and behold the woman called back . She told us we where approved and for how much. Best of all we didn't have to mortgage our home to get the money and it is unsecured. We are now doing business with the devil aka bank. At least with the bank we know what we are dealing with. No strings attached to the bank either except they want the money back in a timely period with interest. I can deal with that. I thought it would be easier dealing with my mother but I'm glad she didn't loan the money as history and recent events shows me you don't change the spots on a leopard. Doing anything with family has had strings attached to it in the past.

It also brought up the point J and I really don't have functional family and really dysfunctional family that we can't rely on. It is hard to ask J's parents for anything as they have senile dementia and that would be taking advantage. They where helpful if we needed anything finiacal in the past but even in there right mind still dysfunctional. We really realized in the past and it cemented now that we only have each other. It is nice to know someone has my back. It has been a tough year for J and I relationship. Finiacal stuff has away to put a strain on any relationship but lately it has been making our relationship better. We both are brainstorming for the goals we want and also see why we are in debt up to our eyeballs. We even have a good laugh at it at times. When we walk around the house and pull something out of a pile and ask why did we buy this. I found a shirt I had to have last year still with a tag on it. Found several books that I just purchased recently that probably wont be read for awhile. We have been confronting our waste and poor choices. Doing this we will better be able to make better choices. Wants versus needs and get on a better budget. It has made us want to vomit with some of the life choices we have made with money.

We have to visit J's parents and I had to book a hotel for next month. At this stage of the game we have to visit and J's parents have no room for us. I booked the cheapest I could. It still cost a bundle. It made us both sick knowing that the money we will spend for the visit would of been our vacation this year. Sometimes I wish we had no sense of Duty and loyalty. We where immoral and wouldn't visit. Most of the time it isn't appreciated either. With my in-laws suffering dementia and very old age it is more like they behave they are entitled. We should full fill are duties even when it is bankrupting us. They have no concept of debt as they never would of spent themselves in foolish debt and would of done without before getting into debt. Hence, they have money because they have always been responsible. It doesn't help they drive us so crazy when we visit we run up a hell of a bar tab all week. This time we will drink in our room and bring all of our animals. We also have activities planned as the constant repeating stories drives us nuts and bores us to death. We will try to get over the money we don't have to go and visit even if it makes us sick to our stomachs and suck it up like we always do. Oh family aren't they great.

More to come tomorrow. I feel like I have rambled and the whole post could be better structured but my mind is at maxium overload. Sorry if it was hard to read.

Hurt

I have in the last week got my feeling hurt. It also has made me put up a wall where my mother is concerned. Since my father has passed away I thought we where getting closer. She calls me almost everyday with her grief and uses me as a free therapist. Sometimes, it is overwhelming and sometimes I'm happy to talk to her. I'm a shoulder per say because she is lonely. I have always for the most part been the rock.

The problem is when I needed her she wasn't there for me. Which is a giant trigger for me because she seems not to be their when I need her. What hurt the most was I thought she had changed through this experience. Oh, I was wrong.

We are in the midst, of getting remodeling done on our home. It takes a boat load of money that we don't have. Some of those repairs need to be made before the snow also. We went to the bank to try to dip into some of J's investments but they are locked in till next year. The bathroom won't wait till January. So, we had to apply for a credit card with interest. We are up to debt to our eyeballs with our other one. So, that evening I called my mother asking her if I could borrow 10 grand. Which really isn't anything for my mother. I told her I would pay her a grand every month till it was paid. It would really help us not rack up more debt and she isn't doing anything with her money anyway. I would post date a cheque every month so she would know she was getting paid. She really didn't want to discuss it. Told me she was busy making freaking sushi. Then goes on about that. I told her to call me the next day to discuss it. She finally got around to calling me the next day. She said she really didn't want to. No reason either. Told me to let the bank loan us the money.

I'm pissed. I have loaned that woman money when she had none. Have always tried to be there for her etc. I'm done and detached now. I will not open myself to be hurt again. I would rather borrow the money from the devil than ever ask my mom for anything again.

SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder

Fall rolls around and my mood changes from my predominant mixed mood to plain out depression. I'm not severely depressed at the moment but feel the dark ominous depression moving in. I started my SAD light today. I start around when I can really feel the days get shorter and it has been so gloomy with it raining all the time lately.

I feel like if I wasn't so depressed or mixed at the moment my attitude would be better and I could problem solve better with all the crap that is going on in my life. I have became not only sad as in the emotion but paralyzed to get what I need to get done. I know many things fuel the depression. But without fail I start spiraling down in a depression this time of year into a pit if I'm not proactive leaves me into a major depressive episode. I have to give it my all to make sure I'm not in the snake pit of hell. The vitamins I used to take I have sort of neglected to take in the last couple of months also. I can feel a physical and mood difference. I have been eating like crap lately and need to get back to a very firm diet also which makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Most of all I just need to get off my ass. I can do what I need to do by just making myself do it. Sheer will power on certain days. I feel more depressed when I do nothing at all and allow things to build up and grow. If I manage something everyday with the house and my well being I wont be in such a hole. I tell myself that anyway. Plus , I really have a ton of crap to do.
Bear, made a wonderful comment and it made me think. I need to get back to the bush. That statement to me meant I need to get back to my spirituality. The bush is part of it. I'm not a religious person but sometimes I need my spirituality. I have been so removed from it this year it pains me. I laid in bed last night and prayed to my god. It felt awkward but it did provide some comfort. I know my depression wont go away on it's own but I do need to feel comfort and it feels helpful for me. I need to go look at the awesome glory of the Autumn leaves. Soak up the smell of the earth. Celebrate the changing of seasons and realize everything changes. I change during the seasons and so does the environment. I need to embrace what ever I'm feeling and have the comfort that it changes also. Nothing stays the same.

Fresh Squeezed Lemons

I haven't blogged in about 3 weeks. So little and so much has happened. I keep telling myself I really need to update. My memory anymore is crap. I will start off by saying I didn't go on my camping trip. Life came up. Life has away of getting in the way of good plans so does the lack of money. I can't remember everything that has went to hell in the past three weeks but the major one was our water pump went out on our water system. No pump = no water. That cost a good 1,700. Mostly, because the pump is located in the lake. Needed a new harness built for the pump and water line also. It is aggravating but not the end of the word.

It seems many things have been on stand still lately. My kitchen is waiting and crying it needs fixed. The bathroom is crying it needs major new flooring and sub flooring. Everything in the house is screaming "We need your attention" I scream back I'm not made of money. The house then screams we don't give a crap we will break on you. We are really trying to figure out how to get it all done before it snows. Trying to find honest hard working people in this small town is very hard. Everything is so overpriced by American standards also. Don't even get me started on how much more expensive everything is here. When the Canadian dollar is higher than the American dollar. It really upsets me to pay double and triple on some things.

I did though have one nice day exploring,hiking and going to a tourist trap and eating a Indian Taco on a Rez. I need more of those days. I was so tired hiking 3.0kms of very rugged terrain. My back and legs where a mess the next day. Oh the bush though. It calls to me at times and soothes my crazy racing head. I feel more at home than even in a mall.

I used to call shopping home but not to long ago I went and felt so out of place. I'm not used to the choices at all and the sticker shock. Ended up getting all dressed up. I'm starting to feel like a hick anymore. Example: They had a dyson hand blower that looks so different and I marveled at it. Kept blowing my hands. Did managed to get J new glasses. Also, some real nice sweaters and more dressy clothes so when we go down south we won't look like such hicks in a fine dining establishment. Ended up eating at the Red lobster. One of those all you can eat shrimp things and I have been so sick the last past couple of days. I don't think I can look at shrimp the same now. It is something when to do shopping you have to drive a good 180 mile trip and get the gift of food poisoning. I also got my monthly present at the same time. I feel so lucky. The night we went ended up drinking to much wine also and had a hangover the next day also. I haven't been so physically sick in ages. My stomach better today still gargles.

My mood is getting slowly under control. It has been a ride on the mixed roller coaster.

Fragmented

I have been thinking about blogging. I have had a lot emotionally going on. My head lately has been on the muddled side and fragmented to an extend. I think in incomplete sentences lately. it doesn't much make for a good blog post. It doesn't hurt my head that much as I deal with it and pretty much live in my own head. You would need to know me well to get me when my mind is like this in person .

, I have been getting a ton of stuff done around the house. I have been actually having success with list. Generally, I don't have any success with them. I have broke down big jobs down to little things and it helps my muddle brain stay on track about 80 percent of the time. Sometimes, I get so distracted I do other things that aren't on my list that also need to get done. I feel a sense of accomplishment when I can mark the things on my list done. I'm in the mist of trying to get everything organized and super clean in my house and in my life. In the last year I have let everything go to hell. It truly isn't like me to let everything go to hell either no matter what kind of space I'm emotionally or physically. But it is time to move on and pick up the pieces and be more motivated even when I lack it. I think it is more depressing to just give up like I have. Giving up grows on its self. I still trudge but at least I'm not sinking completely. I still have my days with my grief but gradually it is getting better. In no way it is perfect as nothing in life is. I guess I wish life at times would be a little bit more cut and dry. It isn't especially if your Bipolar. It can be interesting. Some days, I vacillate from taking care of myself lately with running and swimming, eating right and doing all the right things to getting stupid drunk and making an ass out of myself. Over indulging on consumption of the computer also to hide from life. I have liked distraction and have been trying to get out of it. I cancelled one of my facebook accounts that I was active on. I have moderated my drinking more so it isn't so out of control when I'm triggered by anxiety or whatever.

It hasn't been near perfect but I'm slowly learning to deal with what I have been dealt lately. I have been under extreme stress with many things. Some to lengthy to really get into and same of the same ole shit. I just want to start to be not so extreme in anything I do and have more of a balance. I have a hard time with an all or nothing attitude at times. Life comes up all the time and I just need to deal with it the best I can. It seems when I try to get structured I fret if I don't do the same things day after day.

I have went on rambling to long.

Hodge Podge

It is a nice cool morning. It is about 58F. it looks like it is going to rain. I put off my run this morning to it gets a little sunnier and most of the cars have went to work. I don't want to be a hood ornament. I have been trying to get back into running even though it has been tough for me to A) Make myself B) I need to work up my endurance . Right now my fast pace looks more like jogging. I'm just proud of myself for making myself. I never used to have to make myself run at one time. I loved it.

I have ordered some barefoot running shoes. I'm looking forward to them. They stimulate barefoot running without cutting your feet to shreds trying without protection. I have probably mentioned I hate shoes and socks. I wear socks every once in awhile or to a doctors appointment and that's it. Not even in the winter. I do like slippers though to keep my feet warm. I'm wearing my Aladdin slippers now. They really look like those cartoon slippers that are pointy. I got them when I went to art in the park this year but have been to hot to wear until recently. The artist that did them takes recycled everything to make other things. My slippers are made out of leather, upholstery and some sleeve off a jacket for my ankle. They are really whimsical. I'm a real sucker for anything whimsical. It makes me smile. Even the shoes I have ordered are three different colours.

I have been feeling better since I have spoke about my anger to J and resentments. It also makes me see I need to change and just do what I want even if it takes some pushing on my part. I have already looked up the weather for this week and decided from Friday to Monday is a good time to get a couple of games of golf in. Before the dogs died last year I played at least two -three times a week and had a membership to the golf club. This year I haven't even picked up my bag. It should be interesting how rusty I'm. I no longer take score and just try to improve my swing and have fun. I just compete with myself anymore. The more I take it serious and I'm not relaxed the worse of a game I have. I have no fun either.It is one way I don't take myself seriously anymore. Fun is way more important to me.

On the cleaning. I'm making a dent in this house but have a ton to do to get it organized like I would love it. My dead line is winter to get some stuff fixed also. I would love to redo my kitchen and bathroom. This week I will go price flooring and appliances. I actually have some money in a savings account for the kitchen even though it is a start it probably won't be enough and I will at least start some of it in the kitchen. The bathroom, we have some money we hope we can touch in a locked savings account and not have to pay a sizable penalty to get at it. The bathroom is just falling apart and really need to redo it asap. My home used to be my castle. I want it back to castle status. I spend the majority of my time around the house and backyard. I'm also trying to figure out how to justify a treadmill.

With the cooler weather, I'm getting a nesting instinct and even find myself cooking more. I'm nesting for winter. Winters can be hard and cold. I just really like cool and cold weather and it makes me more energetic.

Venting

I really don't know exactly what to write about so I will just let my mind flow. I have been sort of flat the past couple of days. I slept all day yesterday just to wake up to see a lame movie on TV then drift back to sleep. I love lazy week-ends where I do nothing at all except eat and sleep. It is very relaxing for me.

Most of time I feel a little overwhelmed with life and sometimes pretty angry with some of the things that have been going on with my relationship with J. J is gone for 4 days and is expected back Monday. Part of me is so glad J is gone that means less work and aggravation. I have no one to wait on except myself. No one to argue with except people on my facebook. It really is actually nice. Part of me is very pissed at J for being so worthless around the house but can do a 4 day hobby and function. J doesn't function very well around the house and is always bitching about mood or something physical. If I don't do it around the house it doesn't get done period. I have stopped asking J to do anything and the very few things that I ask J to do J forgets. It is always about J's mental illness. Switching pills etc. To be honest nothing has worked very well with J. J doesn't realize a pill isn't a cure. You have to do the hard stuff also like take care of yourself , be proactive etc. Sitting on the couch day after day won't do it.

It is a nice vacation away from J. My company is better to be honest. The TV isn't on 24 hours a day. I don't have to wait till a programme is over to do something or schedule something around a TV programme etc. I have been a little board though because I don't have a car to do anything and feel a little trapped. I could be getting more done with a car also doing errands. I have noticed being by myself how isolated I'm and I'm going to have to change that and get more involved with activities and start just doing things by myself even if I have to ride J's ass to give me a ride.It is pretty amazing to me that I was an avid golfer and haven't golfed once this year. I think I will golf next week. I really hate my isolated existence. Something has to blow over and it starts with me.

Planning

I'm waking up and wondering where to start my morning. I have a ton to do and prepare for. I have a camping trip to prepare for in about 2 1/2 weeks up around Lake Superior. I was excited about it until I started thinking about all the planning and work associated with it. I try to add to my list with it as much as I can with the camping trip .

It is a very much needed trip up north. I need the peace, quiet, smell of pine , sound of crashing waves and chilly mornings. I went up North last year to clear my mind and unclutter my soul. I have been carrying around a lot of grief, sadness and just everyday crap. I have been trying to unload all that keeps me down . I need to just be and relax. I won't have t.v or computer, phone, Internet etc. It is going to be nice except that I'm addicted to my computer. I have a cell phone but it doesn't have any bars. It is a dead zone. Part of me doesn't like that at all and I really doubt the provincial park has wifi(lol) I'm easily distracted and hopefully my distractions will be with a red squirrel throwing pine cones out of trees. Or if I really want to be kept on my feet a park bear. Not the agitation of electronic devices and phones.

I plan on still writing in my journal and sending letters and postcards to a few people. I had so much fun with regular pen and paper up north last year even though I stayed at motels and had wifi. I haven't camped up north in awhile. Several years and never during the fall but in the summer. The trees are wonderful and start to turn in September. Awesome oranges, and reds in different variations. It is a breath taking sight. It is breath taking anyway past Sault Ste. Marie. I always love how many places you can explore around Lake Superior up to Thunder Bay. Not going to make it that far with the prices of gas the way it is. We will go to a provincial park called Pancake Bay. Not going to be camping in a tent either. We have a pop up but don't hook up so it is more like camping. It usually is rainy that time of year but you never know. I'm hoping for a Indian summer. It has been unusually warm this year .

It is sort of funny that I live in so called North(tourist trap) even though I think it really is central Ontario and have to escape this place to get a Holiday up even farther up north. It is nice to get away from tourist hell even though most go home when the kids start school after Labour Day and the others go home after Canadian Thanksgiving. I look forward to be a tourist for once and will not be rude like some of them can be. I have seen demanding tourist in the area I'm going to also. It really is ugly no matter where you are to be a total jack ass to people that live in an area . When asked where I'm from and J is from and we say, They are like your Ok. What they don't like is people from the GTA or TO. I seem not to blame them because we get those same people where I live. Seems like the stereo type fits most of the time. Or the bad apples seem to enforce that horrible stereo type of rude, difficult and demanding.

Anyways, I'm sort of looking forward to the trip and even on some days like the planning.

Updating

I thought I would update this blog with a new entry since I have been not updating in awhile. I have been very busy with life. It might be a short update since blogger is giving me problems. My mood has pretty much leveled out and is getting better. I still have my moments. Life has been a little crazy with all the doctor appointments I have. I have one more appointment left with wearing the ekg holter monitor and I will be done with it. I have worn it twice so far and have to get up at the crack of dawn to give it back. The annoying part is getting up at the crack of dawn to give it back the next day.

I have been exercising a lot lately also. Mostly, swimming and jogging. The jogging is a little bit of a joke. It looks more like fast pace walking. I'm really out of shape and it is just coming back to me. I have not jogged more than a couple of times in the last year due to various reasons. I noticed exercising real helps with my joint and muscle pain. It doesn't feel great at the time but it seems like I have more mobility. I try to exercise at least a half an hour a day now. It helps me emotionally also. It seems to clear some of the cob-webs from my brain and stay more focused. It has been great for anxiety also. I have really been trying to take care of myself.

I also have been hard at work with cleaning and decluttering. I really hate a junked up house and dirty house. To chaotic for me. It is hard to declutter when it isn't your stuff to get rid of. It is J's stuff and it needs to go. I have been getting rid of junk for about 3 years now and barely have even scratched the surface with everything that needs to go. It has been a long process trying to get J on board with getting useless clutter out of here. It is a slow process but it is finally happening more and more. I actually hung some of my art work in the house. I really don't have much of my stuff in this house even though I have lived here for awhile permanently and not off and on. My stuff still occupies a storage locker.

Anyway, I will see if blogger will work at all and I won't loose the little I wrote. I promise I will start to update more.

Manic

I have been in lala land since about the 25th and haven't much felt like talking much. I started a new blood pressure med then and I have virtually put up a sign Out for lunch but I haven't returned. I don't know much of what I say but I'm reminded when I look at facebook. I cringe and sometimes don't look for days afterwards. I was physically sick for days until I figured out it was the pill. I thought I had the severe flu. I laid on the couch for days in a daze. I finally looked up the side-effects and I was suffering from all that that pill could do. It also had another side-effect. It screws with mood and sleep.

I have been a real mental mess taking this pill. I have felt things that I haven't felt in years like killing myself out of the blue. I have felt the horrible shame that goes along with just being way out there and not remembering from day to day. I have felt when am I going to loose total touch with reality and not be able to come back. I have fought the horrible ol factory hallunications that I have been getting again on a daily basis. The smells make me on the verge of throwing up or I throw up with perceived smells or just being so sensitive to smells. I don't remember what I say to people and think Oh fuck, then I'm embarrassed to speak to them. Some days I feel like I'm coming out of my skin literally. Someday, it is so uncomfortable being in my own skin I try to drink till I pass out. I want to buy things I really can't afford either and need to buy other things. I work then I can't move for a day or two. Then I'm back to wanting to move the world. My head is scrambled like eggs. I can't keep a thought to save my life.

The past two days I started back on haldol to try to rein me in and to catch the reins of reality. I feel like reality is like a big balloon that I'm trying to anchor down with it's big ropes that I keep tugging. I will get back to me in about a week and it will take me a little longer to not feel so out of it. I don't think I have done much damage but I have shaky self esteem at the moment. It is even hard to admit that I was getting out of touch. I know this all will pass and serves at a reminder how crazy it can get . It also makes me think I'm going to be very cautious taking any more blood pressure meds as it can turn my world upside down.

The Heat

It is such a lovely morning today. It is actually cool enough to blog this morning. It has been very hot here for the last week. I'm enjoying the cool this morning before it heats up again. My last week has been all about keeping cool. I even broke down and bought a portable a/c also but have yet installed it also. I'm thinking I have more to do before I install it either today or tomorrow. The room that it will go in looks so junked up that it could be featured on hoarders. Not really as it will take me a couple of hours to clean but still it is horrible with all sorts of clothes mess and etc. It has been way to hot to clear it out or work at all.

I have been keeping cool swimming almost everyday. It has been actually cooler outside than it has been inside. With the humidex it has got over 100f most of the last week. We have been drinking loads of g2 and water. I have been grilling all meals outside. I was adding a little spice to anything I made as they say spicy things help with the heat. I can buy that as most hot countries eat spicy food . We have also been cooling the dogs off several times a day also and they have been wet several times a day. Even the old dog doesn't seem to mind getting hosed down as he hates the water usually whether it be swimming or the hose. We have been sticking around the house so they will drink loads of water in this heat also. I was tempted to go to a movie on one of the hottest day but didn't want to leave the dogs home in the heat and them restricting their water as they wont drink when we are out . One day, I went grocery shopping just to be in the a/c and put up with the huge crowds. I didn't even mind how slow it was. I even went down ever isle no matter if I needed something or not. I actually went to walmart that day wondering the store. I generally never wonder walmart. I thought I was out of my mind shopping like that. I really just wanted to stay cool. I even picked up a bucket of chicken from kfc. Which is so taboo for me. I loathe KFC. More of a moral/ ethical concern about how they are cruel to chickens and process them. I have boycotted kfc for years. The heat made my concern go out the windows and procure some tasty saltiness. I also don't much eat salt anymore or hardly any fast food. I have to admit I wouldn't eat fried chicken everyday but it was what I needed. I needed SALT. I have been losing loads of salt sweating and really don't eat enough salt. i don't generally eat processed food except occasionally. I forgot how salty kfc is. I haven't had it in years. I prefer my own fried chicken as it isn't as greasy either. It was nice to bring home and not have to cook at all. I also forgot how expensive it is. Between the grease, salt and price I don't think it will be any temptation for me. It also made me feel like shit that I would actually buy something from that place. Even trying to rationalize how many big corporations that operate in this small town that I shop at didn't help anymore. It has made me realize what a sell out I have become out of being practial. I was also saddened at looking at my grocery cart with all the disposable items I had like paper plates and plastic forks and spoons. Trying to tell myself it is to damn hot to do dishes. I would never in a million years buy disposable dishes out of concern for the environment and cost.

The heat has been doing some weird things to me. I actually think it is called survival even if I hate buying unethical chicken, and overloading landfills, etc. Sometimes a person has to do what they have to and get off the soapbox of being political. It isn't like I do this stuff everyday either as it really does cost more to buy disposable things and eat crap.

With it being a little cooler I feel a little bit better and can get on with my life a lot more and get more done around here. Maybe, actually preparing for the next horrible heat wave. Where I live it really never stays this hot for very long or achieves the temps of lately. But over the past 9-10 years, each summer I have been here I swear I need a/c. Most of those years , I would just go back to the states to my central air:) Oh , how I miss central air. People in that I know or when they find out from where I'm from think I know a lot about handling the heat. I know one big t hing stay out of it. I never got used to the heat in the states. I had central air and would never go out on hot days. Or if I did it was to the a/c in the car to the a/c in the store back to the a/c at home. Or go out in the very early morning to jog back to a/c. I could never put up with the heat. That was one of the biggest draws to move here permanently several years ago. I could actually enjoy summer without being a shut-in. Also, loved the very cold winters. I like it cold and not brutally hot. A lot of people whine about the horrible cold winters and snow. I'm not one . I love it for the most part. I whine about the horrible hot. I do feel very lucky though not to live in the city where it is very hot though. I can always walk out in my backyard down the stairs and take a nice cool dip in the lake. Even though it is very hot for me it wont stay hot. It is also making me used to the heat now where I want to put a sweater on when it is 70f or around 20c. This is making me hardy this heat snap. Maybe, until I put the portable a/c in (lol) and hole up in the studio.

A Package

I really don't have much of anything interesting to say. I'm trying to get into the habit of blogging more so I will try to say something. It will probably be ramblings of sort...

I'm drinking coffee this more relaxing. It is nice to have coffee and read blogs. Morning time is ME time. My mind is jumbled and hazy in the mornings though. Before, blogging, I used to do housework as it was more up my alley about being brainless. Blogging and reading blogs helps jump start my mind in the morning and relaxes me in the evenings also.

I'm trying to think and I thought a lot about this yesterday and today.One thing that happened yesterday was I received a box from my mother yesterday. It contained a small urn of my father. It was very nice and really tasteful. It just looks like a small ornate metal vase. I don't think anyone would guess what it was if they where looking around the house. I can imagine if I every had people over would be they would point out or pick it up thinking oh neat vase and say where did you get that. I can picture myself saying well that is part of my father and laugh as they would have a puzzled confused sorry look. Sorry, black humour.

The box also contained some of his t-shirts,and movies etc. It also contained my gra nd mothers antique weird clock and a doll of my grandmothers I used to play with as a child. I also found a lighter that my mother sent. She said it was my fathers and when I looked at it , I was shocked to find out it was really my lighter. He stole it from me. It made my tears go away as I was angry that he would steal an expensive lighter that was a gift from J. It was a scrimshaw zippo. Scrimshaw is something whalers and sailors used to do. They would carve pictures of voyages and different things onto whale bones. My lighter had a clipper ship on it.

Seeing the lighter brought up some old issues I had with my father. It made me feel guilty for feeling anger at my father. It was just like him to be a lighter thief also. It seemed though a zippo is more deliberate than a bic though. It also brought up feelings of how I felt about how contradictory and just his whole personality. My father was one of those dysfunctional people that you couldn't help but forgive as he was always truly sorry for what ever he did. Even, if he still kept his bad behaviour up. He did the best he could with a mental illness also. I knew some of the things that where less than desirable , dysfunctional and acting out was because he was Bipolar. He really did the best he could. Over all though he was a good decent man. I felt loved by my father so it was easy to forgive his myriad of faults. I still get a laugh out of some of the crazy bullshit that came out of his mouth. He really was a storyteller and would entertain many people everyday with some story or tidbit. The sad thing is he never realized how many people loved him and liked him. He never felt like he had friends when he was actually popular and had many friends.It is actually surprising to me since he was such Mr.gloom and doom with his family. I was speaking to my mother yesterday telling her I really want to not be a negative person and be gloom and doom. I'm generally not but have my periods of gloom and doom. Also, can have black and white thinking when I'm in a bad mood. I don't see my options and choices. My fathers gloom and doom attitude really is what killed him. I don't want that for myself. It is so easy to fall into that trap and just give up in life and not take care of ones self physically or emotionally. Especially, if it is chronic. I have felt like that in the past of just fuck it. Nothing is going to get better and not take care of myself with chronic pain ,chronic mental illness and chronic health problems. I have allowed it to get the better of me at times and just fall into the black hole. The thing that is different with me and my father is I might get into that space of just succumbing to what ever but I always end up getting back on the horse, trudging and simply just trying and not throwing in the towel of taking care of myself and being in tuned to my body and mind. I think I'm more like my mother in that aspect.

My father's death really was a tradgey . I will go into it at a later time but it felt to me like he committed suicide. Which gives me some feelings of anger. His death could of been prevented. It is a wake up for me. I can understand what happened and just feel sad. It also makes me very much want to take care of myself and be a more positive person. It also makes me want to really live and just not trudge through life. Not worry as much and be in the minute. Have fun and have no regrets. I also want to make more enjoyable memories for my family. I don't want my family to have a lot of what if she did so and so would she be alive. My grief is taking a turn around and making me into a better person over the long run . At least I hope it does. The heavy pain is still there as it will take time but I'm dealing with it and I'm not so much in the depths of despair and living life and enjoying it.

Smile:)

I was reading a blog the other day http://blueskiescloudydays.blogspot.com/ and many things jumped out at me in a good way. It made me rethink how I act towards people. My negativity and my pretty bad social anxiety that I suffer from causes me not to be so kind in public. I'm not rude but I don't put myself out for strangers.

I can't remember what post on that blog had to do something with kindness also. I always have thought of myself as a kind person but the fact is that I really don't put myself out that much to be kind to strangers. I hate going out most of the time. I figure I probaly have a negative glow to me and most of the time look unapproachable. I give to chairtys but that isn't the same as being kind in my every day interactions. I have done a ton of volunteer work in the past. The word is the past.

I have been trying harder out in public lately even if I swear I won't go out. Yesterday, I tried something a little different. SMILING. Yes, I had to force it on and it wasn't easy . I'm generally not a negative person but really can get caught up into it sometimes. To be more accurate I'm a self absorbed person . I have been so caught up with myself and my own misery. I have never been a person to allow many other people in my life either. I go about life quite in public and really don't speak or have much interaction with strangers. I really have never liked small talk either. Don't much like it from anyone that provides a service either: denist, doctors, hair stylist, etc. You get the point. So, my interaction in public is severly limited.

Well, yesterday I decided to put myself out there a little. I had to walk to my dental appoinment since J had an appoinment at the same time. I decided to smile at everyone I meet on my little less than a mile walk. Some people had a tough demeanor and when I would smile at them they smiled back. I thought wow this is different. All the unfriendly faces turned friendly. Got to the denist office to get my cleaning and I found myself engaged in chit chat about the weather etc. Weather is always a huge topic around these parts. I thought I really don't care about the weather as it is what it is period. I'm trying to be friendly though and when I would engage in small talk the staff just seemed much more friendlier to me. I even when ask how are you by the denist I replied I'm great isn't it a fine day outside. He was more postive with me and a little bit more gentle also. Was told I had two small cavities when I had the cleaning and took responsiblity and said fine I will take care of those asap. My lack of dental care over the years has been horrible due to lack of money or not taking care of myself because either my mouth was so screwed what is the use or low self -esteem. They smiled didn't lecture and said when I had my cleaning wow, it isn't that bad for a person that hasn't had it cleaned and neglected for 15 years. I said I really started taking care of it this year and flossing regularly and brushing more than once a day. They reassured me it is what I do now that matters and I'm really taking care of my oral hygiene now. My mouth is a new start and I want to keep it perfect now. I find myself smiling more with a real smile.

I thought why I was in a good mood I would get more done yesterday. Even made small talk with the barber who now cuts my hair because the over-priced salon was full of negative gossipy people. The atmosphere was dismal. The price outragish as I was paying close to 50 bucks to basically get a trim for little hair. I have real short hair now. She would never want to cut it short and the last time left me in a sink for 5 minutes with shampoo in my hair. I wasn't thrilled with saying I go to a barber. He does a better job, has a better atmosphere, better magazines that deal with real life and doesn't leave hair all over me. The price 14 bucks. I still wrinkle my nose at the ideal of going to a barber though. I shouldn't just call him a barber as he actually really does know hair and difficult hairlines. He always gets my hair. I have a wacky hair lines with many cow licks which makes it very difficult to deal with and he doesn't leave my licks flipped up everywhere. I find straight men are easier to get along with also and much prefer the lack of cattiness and superficial crap that goes on in a salon. It isn't my cup of tea:)

Got done ran more errands kept smiling and noticed this one man at the pharmacy. He looked like me most of the time. Very somber, frown big and intimdating. I looked over and smiled at him. He didn't smile. When I got my things to leave looked back and smiled again. He actually cracked a smile. It made me really think about how unapproachable I'm in public and the ideal most people probaly have about me when they don't know me. I don't know what was going on with this man but when he did smile it was lovely.

I really have to start smiling and making myself smile out in public. It makes me lighter and changes how the public deals with me. I'will have to fake it till I make it but I'm starting. I would at one time tell J to smile and not have such a serious look. J would tell me I'm not a chesire cat with a big grin. Well, I will try to be more like a toothy chesire cat until it feels more natural to me and not so freaky . One small little step which see ms so easy isn't that easy but so worth it. Now if I can keep it up.

Procrastination

I'm having an inability to focus this morning on any one thing. I'm overwhelmed with everything that I need to get done so my mind skips around. I really don't want to do anything today except relax. I have been making list and the shear amount of things I need to get done doesn't appeal to me. I'm a serious procrastionator and always have this slogan : (I can do it tomorrow ) The thing is tomorrow never comes for me. Because their is aways tomorrow:) I will get some things done today even if I don't go out. I always have a ton to do around the house. List tend to help me see exactly what needs to be done also. I always put what is absolutely urgent down. I know in my head what is urgent but list make it more concrete. I like making list also. I look back at my list in my little notebook or scraps of paper and it tells me a story months later of where I was at and where I'm now.

I went to the doctor yesterday. It was my first time meeting him. Before, that I went to see the nurse practioner. The doctor comes once a week to the outpost. I was very impressed with him. It has been awhile since a doctor hasn't been dismissive and has listened and listened. He asked questions and stayed silent to listen. I think my high blood pressure yesterday impressed him also as I have been half ass medicated for it for a couple of months. He wants to do some serious investigation before he puts me on anything more. But he did up my Cardizm to help with the chest pain and keep the high blood pressure level. He even recognized his/nurse practioners mistake about the one medication that had my potassium depleted and in ER. He said he has to understand how I metabolize better. I go to a specialist the 25th and start the intense testing that I have needed all along. The specialist and this doctor are going to work together to find the answers I need. I feel really relived as I really don't want a stroke or heart-attack. I feel like I'm getting some where which gives me hope. I'm doing the things I need to do also like exercising more , losing weight and cutting sodium. I still need to give up the smoking. I will do that but not right now as it helps me through this time in my life. I would totally go bat shit not having my smokes right now.

Even though I live in Canada , I don't enjoy socialize medicine as I still have to pay for it for so many years because of being sponsored. It doesn't bother me at all. I pay less than people in the states with an insurance deductable. It is very resonable and really don't feel like I should be a drain on the system either. Yesterdays doctors visit cost 30 bucks. When I had a cat scan I payed 700 not 9,000 that was charged to my daughters insurance when she had an accident. I'm very thankful for the healthcare in this country that doesn't leave me bankrupted or neglecting my health. When I see the nurse practioner it is based on donation for me. What ever I feel like giving. I always give a good sum though. I don't want to take advantage of the generiousty of the outpost. Many people I seen in this area arent very appreciative of the healthcare and sort of abuse it also. I guarntee you if their was a minimal charge they wouldnt show up with the flu or many other things that could be treated at home. I have heard people in the office not want to drive 20 miles either for free healthcare and get bitchy about it. I will drive 20 miles for decent afforable healthcare and not abuse the system. So many people take for granted many things they are entitled to. I hope I will always remember and be thankful for what my new country has gave me besided healthcare and that includes better civil rights than I had in the states. I'm starting to bleed maple leafs so I better stop.

I look forward to figuring out what I need to do as I feel better capable to deal with things even if it is overwhelming. I will probaly put around the house and get things done as I have to go to town tomorrow for a dental cleaning and combine everything tomorrow. I do need some relaxtion too as Rob-bear pointed out.
I want to thank my new blog followers for following this blog. I have found many interesting blogs lately with new followers and lurking on these blogs I have found more blogs also. It really makes me feel not so alone and heard. It puts a smile on my face to read blogs every morning with coffee whether I comment or not. I do pretty much keep up with everyone. I will also enjoy reading farther back on some of the new blogs I have joined. It really is nice to get a different view from reading blogs and cheaper than therapy:) I have got more out of blog land than years of therapy.

Bubble Thoughts / Social Anxiety

I'm not going to be politically correct in my post. I'm sure this might be offensive to someone. My bubble thoughts aren't postive when I'm in a store. They are very angry at times and can be illogical. I stumbled on to a blog the other day about Social Anxiety and other stuff. I haven't thought about social anxiety in awhile because I either go out or just don't. I have that option in life. I live in a smallish town and not even in town. I have been away from the city for a couple of years now and sort of live in seclusion by my own choice. It is very safe for me and my moods and anxiety for the most part. Even the people where I live hate the tourist. Most of the time I don't care one way or another. It is something you have to accept as the town I live in swells to a staggering size in the summer because people have cottages or as I would say vacation homes. I live in the summer hell of what people call Cottage Country.

The stores are jammed packed in the summer . It is like christmas shopping season. Shoulder to Shoulder. Trying to find parking is so hard. I end up hoarding and stocking up before tourist season. I ran out of fire sticks for my Big Green Egg. If you don't know what a Big Green Egg is , It is a bbq . Google it or ask your husband as they probaly want one or are drooling over one. You can't use petroluem products with it. It is recommened that you use Lump Charcoal that is their brand as it is very clean burning. I've tried other brands and it doesnt taste right to me. Anyway, I ran out of my supply of fire sticks. Only really two places in town that has them at a decent price. Canadian Tire and Walmart. The only two stores really in town that sells anything. Other stores are more boutiques. I thought I would go to walmart. I thought I would run in and just buy that as I thought they had one of those check your own self out lines. Well, another problem I have with Walmart is I go in for one thing and have a basket of things. I just can't buy one thing. It was so hot yesterday. Got in the store it was a little cooler. I thought oh some relief until I started walking around. Not much cooler than outside. They don't like to use their AC. I go blank in the store. The hoardes of people blow my mind. I think about just leaving. I tell myself no as I just have to get these fire sticks or no dinner for awhile. I get distracted in the one section after another. I look and put things that I think I need in the basket. I'm looking around and think to myself and get mad that the selection they have in the summer is not available to residents in the winter. Also, what is available in the winter is at a higher price. I'm already getting angry thinking about this and have to drive about 200 miles round trip to get a selection and prices. I can feel myself getting a little more angry and angry. I finally get to the camping section of the store. I try to look for fire sticks and someone is blocking the whole damm section with their cart and children like they are the only person that is shopping in the store. The menality of the tourist around here is very terrible. They go on hoilday and forget simple manners as it seems with many of their actions. I finally shove in to try to find what I'm looking for and not trip over a screaming bored brat playing in the isle. Oh, I was so hot no fire sticks. The problem with the Walmart in our area is it is aways picked over and trying to find something on the shelf is hard as the hoardes of people pick it clean. I can understand that but freaking restock once in awhile. My frustrration is running pretty high now. I march through the store like a wild beast. I feel that way anyway. I just walk real quickly trying to get my cart and myself OUT. I pick up some G2 as is is so hot outside and most people in this area have no AC. I have to keep myself very hydrated during this time. Get distracted again in the produce department with the wonderful sales of fruit. I'm pissed off again almost everything is rotted. Think I find one acceptable thing of strawberrys. Look for a line. They have about 4-5 lines open out of all the check outs. Most of those lines are 12 items and less. Leaving lines that are huge. I'm amazed how they can't open a damm line. It makes me so mad as I'm hot and hate crowds. Didn't even get want I wanted but an over priced basket of shit. I count how many items I have in the cart . I have 14. I said fuck it. I'm in the 12 item line. I have the tendency to pick the worst line. Well, I got in the worst line. It doesn't help the cashier is trying to get people to apply for a Walmart master card. I'm thinking come on lady just freaking check people out. The family in front of us clearly had a cart load and not 12 items or anywhere near 12 items. They are farting around , the kids are climbing all over the place etc. The woman was the most offensive. Slow putting the items on the counter, shopping still for trashy gossip mags, etc. I'm thinking she is a creature of walmart. It didn't help that she shoved her huge fat ass in a pair of spandex stretch pants and a tight stained white t-shirt. I'm overwieght and I would never try to put my fat ass in tiny spandex pants. It is just offensive to see every dimple on someones ass. She would make the people of walmart pictures. I'm thinking some pretty awful thoughts like stupid inbreed white trash with a huge ass. It didn't help the matter they did the shopping in two orders and her order was a shit load of candy bars and gossip magazines. I'm thinking honey you don't need another candy bar. Have you looked at your ass or stomach lately. Also, what you read will just destroy that last brain cell you have. It is such junk. I'm judging this woman because she is being a pain in the ass and pushed a cart right back at me when she was done. Not considring anyone else besides herself. She is holding up the line trying to juggle her 20lb purse that is a hell of a mess. I'm thinking how sloppy she is. Take that mess of a purse and get the fuck out of my way. Go make your overweight kids heavier with all those cookies, candy bars etc. Feed them more so they are so hyper already and I have to be subjected to this out in public. Well, I finally get to check out and do it fast. Tell the woman kindly and abruptly NO I don't want a master card. We have enough credit. Manage to get out of the hell of Walmart. Go across the street to Crappy Tire. Find what I want. Got some other purchases as they are getting rid of summer things at real great purchases. Come across a real great lifejacket for J. I told J to put it on. I help with the straps and take out all my anger on the straps as I forgot J was inside the lifejacket and tighten it so much J was so uncomfortable. It felt good. We had a laugh and move on. We start to go to check out and I see the solar spotlights I bought not long ago for half the price I bought them. It kind of makes me angry at myself for not waiting to the end of the season to buy them. But I really needed the lights at night to see the puppy. J said don't we need more . We did and got them at a awesome price. Well when I was talking to J. One of J's enemies hear J's voice. The pitbull bitch swings her head around. J gets delight because this person is so petty to be holding a grudge. She looks like a hackled dog looking at J. J just smiles and we have a good laugh that J can still get under this persons skin 15 years after J hasn't worked with this person. It is just crazy.J has known this person for over 30 years. No one much cares for this person either. I'm not going to get into this exactly because I don't want to say where this person works as this is a small place and can be figured out. This person must be crazy to keep a petty grudge against many people. She is a miserable person also. We finally get into line. Most check outs are closed and moving slow. That is one reason I don't like going to crappy tire in this area becausee they are SLOW. Always have been also. I ask J has this place always hired retarded people. They aren't mentally challenged but sometimes I wonder. It isn't brain surgery to run a cash register and bag quickly.
Cool down in the truck with the AC on full blast. Swear not to go out again until I really feel like it and have the patients for it and not the anxiety that was in me that day. Soemtimes, I just have to be annoyed and have my nasty thoughts. I just have to do thinks sometimes. Also, note to self stock up more.