Fall rolls around and my mood changes from my predominant mixed mood to plain out depression. I'm not severely depressed at the moment but feel the dark ominous depression moving in. I started my SAD light today. I start around when I can really feel the days get shorter and it has been so gloomy with it raining all the time lately.
I feel like if I wasn't so depressed or mixed at the moment my attitude would be better and I could problem solve better with all the crap that is going on in my life. I have became not only sad as in the emotion but paralyzed to get what I need to get done. I know many things fuel the depression. But without fail I start spiraling down in a depression this time of year into a pit if I'm not proactive leaves me into a major depressive episode. I have to give it my all to make sure I'm not in the snake pit of hell. The vitamins I used to take I have sort of neglected to take in the last couple of months also. I can feel a physical and mood difference. I have been eating like crap lately and need to get back to a very firm diet also which makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Most of all I just need to get off my ass. I can do what I need to do by just making myself do it. Sheer will power on certain days. I feel more depressed when I do nothing at all and allow things to build up and grow. If I manage something everyday with the house and my well being I wont be in such a hole. I tell myself that anyway. Plus , I really have a ton of crap to do.
Bear, made a wonderful comment and it made me think. I need to get back to the bush. That statement to me meant I need to get back to my spirituality. The bush is part of it. I'm not a religious person but sometimes I need my spirituality. I have been so removed from it this year it pains me. I laid in bed last night and prayed to my god. It felt awkward but it did provide some comfort. I know my depression wont go away on it's own but I do need to feel comfort and it feels helpful for me. I need to go look at the awesome glory of the Autumn leaves. Soak up the smell of the earth. Celebrate the changing of seasons and realize everything changes. I change during the seasons and so does the environment. I need to embrace what ever I'm feeling and have the comfort that it changes also. Nothing stays the same.