Content Ramblings

Lately, I'm content or complacent. After, a mixed mood, that was more agitation than depression, it seems like I finally pulled through. I cross my fingers because I don't want it coming back again. I can look forward to the mixed episode every November and I'm finally getting past it. I feel much relief with hardly any anxiety and almost a normal feeling. I have no compulsive anything going on.It feels nice to be boring.
I thought I was slipping into a depression. I still have to watch for that and be vigilant. I have to not let myself slip hard into a winter depression. I was not going to town and finally did after 5 days of being at home. I really had no need to go out other than I needed to for myself. I had a good time when I told myself oh why go out it is boring. I went out for a slice of pizza and enjoyed it. I didn't much have to go shopping but did manage some bargains at Walmart about the only game in the town I live in. I found a plant for 1.95 can't beat that. I also found an Amaryllis to bloom in the winter indoors. Flowers are important to me in the winter when nothing flourishes outside and makes my mood feel better seeing living things. I also started another batch of cat grass for the cat. I think I'm seeing green grass in the winter even though it is a patch. The cat enjoys it also and it helps keep her out of my other plants that she so loves to harass and tear up.
Sleeping .... I'm not to worried about my sleep because I do sleep but just not when other people do. I go to bed about 6-7pm and sleep till about 3-4am. It will change in time and I will get on schedule with what people think the norm is. Sometimes, you just have to be thank-full that you sleep at all. I know I'm and I have a productive life most of the time. I think you have to do what works for you. Bipolar people don't all come in one size or shape even though they want you to think treatment is the same for everyone. It isn't and I have found you need to do what works for you.
I know when I start getting into a rut I need to do something fun even if I don't think it is fun at the time. It is funny how at the time I make myself do something I don't think it is fun but when I look back at it I'm thank-full that I did it and it seems to build on it's self. Sometimes, I have to many rules for myself and think I need to do chores or something before I have fun. After, I do such and such I will do something fun. Well, to get my motivation for such and such I need fun in my life and not a lot of shoulds at the moment.
Today.... I don't really know what I'm going to do today. I have an idea that I will do some tidying up and watch some movies that I need to send back. Maybe, get my rear in gear and make something tasty. The sky has been overcast for about 3 days and I can either swear at it or do something inside that I like. I have more plants to transplant also. I like puttering around the house at times and look actually forward to it today. I would also be content just watching a movie also since I don't feel like I have ants in my pants anymore.

Audience

I'm not for sure why people read my blog. I started this as a project for myself but notice I get a lot of traffic off of blogsurfer that I submitted this blog to. I wonder what is the draw if you do read this blog. Sometimes, I wonder what the audience wants from this blog . I have opinions on everything . I never defined my purpose really with writing this. The blog is not very old and I'm new to blogging. I don't even know in this mood or any mood if it is any good or revelant or not. So please if you read this blog give me a shout out and tell me why you read or what you would like to see more of. I know the stats get higher for some of the things I blog about while the stats get lower for some of the things I blog about. I just thought I would ask. Stats dont tell me much about the people following this blog either. I would like to get to know my audience better if you do follow this. Thank-you if you do take the time to read my ramblings.

Ho Hum

I have been in a different mood lately. It is more of low grade depression. I actually don't mind it as I'm content with doing hardly nothing. My sleep is better but I still get up in the wee hours of the morning but take a huge nap around 6 get up around 10 then go back to sleep till 4. It is wacked because I'm missing my evening television. Not like most of the shows, I watch are so thought provoking that missing them makes me upset. I just like some of them and miss being up in the evening. I'm slowing down enough to read again and I really can get into that. I love reading and look forward to reading the many books I can read when I'm in that mood frame. Sometimes , just starting a book is hard and when I do I just buss through it ,if it is interesting.
It is funny the different mood spectrums what I can get done or what I can't get done and I embrace each spectrum as it brings me something different in my life. I feel like I'm finally on vacation now and relaxing. I think I will be back to a productive mood once it snows here .

Mixed Nuts and Bolts

I have been in a lousy mood for the past couple of days. My sleep is now back all over the place. I'm also trying to find purpose or motivation in my life. It really went to hell in a hand basket ,one day with grey overcast skys. The weather is back to shining again for at least a week. It makes it tolerable. I have been so irritable , it makes me miserable. I have been eating up all my pre-frozen food I made and I'm running out. I need to get off my ass and do something today. The thing is nothing appeals to me at the moment. I did manage to get out of the house yesterday for some more potting soil and etc. I bought a Christmas cactus the other day that needs re potted and finally found something fitting for my violet even though it isn't, what I really want. So, maybe re potting living things will make me feel more alive. I doubt it but it will make some of the time pass with this mood. Sometimes the only thing I find in a foul mood is to do something anything to make the time go by until another mood comes.
One positive thing about getting up in the wee hours of the morning is I got to see the Leonid meteor shower and it was brilliant. It took me some time to focus my eyes in the dark . Also, says something to have pets as I had to take the dogs out to do their business and watched the bright clear sky and they where content also. I need to make myself go out everyday and not allow myself to be a shut in. I fight and trudge when I'm in this mood. I tell myself I don't have to like it and no I will probably hate doing anything but I need to do it for future sanity. Life goes on whether I'm in the mood for it or not. It just becomes a heap of crap if I don't keep things up.

Things that help a budget and time

I was sitting down thinking with a cup of coffee about how I was going to structure my day since I'm sort of out of my routine lately. I was also thinking about how I cope with domestic chores . I didn't used to cope with domestic chores at all at one time and hated anything domestic. I was either real domestic with my mood or very anti domestic. I thought I would share some of the things that helped me . One of the things that help me is cooking ahead when I feel better. I cook and freeze just about everything when I'm in a good mood in anticipation when Im going to be busy or in a bad mood. I feel eating healthy is a hard thing to do in society anymore . It seems like everyone is busy or something and doesn't have time to fix a healthy meal. I just try to do it ahead. An example , I ended up not cooking yesterday and had a pot of beans frozen in the freezer. All I had to do is defrost it and there was a base of a meal that I didn't have to think about and it was very good. I also have frozen spaghetti sauce for pasta in the freezer and some homemade chicken and noodle soup in there. I'm running low and think I will try to cook extra this week for when I don't feel like it which is a lot. Another thing you do is save when you cook ahead because you don't eat out another thing is generally the foods you freeze up are cheap on the budget. An example a pot of beans cost about 1.00 for probably 2 huge meals for a family or 8 meals for 2 people.

Making list before you go to the store helps from impulse buying and also stocking food makes you make less frequent trips to the store. I really don't like shopping when I'm in certain moods as I buy to much or Im so scattered I forget what Im there for in the first place. That is why I make a menu of the week and stick to it. I don't have to think except one time and that is planning it. Sometimes, I hate the planning more than the cooking.

Today, sense I put off the grocery store ,I will try to go for a short time because this is the last week-end that is going to be unseasonable warm for the week-end. I look forward to the sun in the sky and the warmish weather this part of Ontario is experiencing. I also look forward to next week where it will be cooler but sunny. I like just about any weather that has some sun in it. I want to start the routine of walking more before winter snow. I also want to inquire about the gym next week and get a exercise routine going on when the weather is to cool to walk and jog. I know walking and jogging really help me in many ways .
Back to coffee and more thinking about what I will do on such a nice day .

Home

I'm back at home again and in a strange way, I'm happy. I was able to get a whole 6 hours of sleep , without interuptions. I haven't slept 6 hours straight in weeks . I was sleeping 3-4 hours straight then waking up and maybe getting a hour afterwards, or just sleeping in the day. I actually was able to stay up for evening programming last night. I'm leveling out and I really think the strict rountine and structure I get from travelling helps it. So does extra meds when I need them. I generally hate meds and what they do to me but will take them when I'm manic. They are a god send as I hate being a bouncy complusive mess that mania reduces me to. It isn't real fun for me and I feel like I'm coming out of my skin most of the time. I also noticed even though I spent a lot of money on things that I actually needed it made me sick to spend that money. It was a healthy sign and I'm out of spending mode even if I think I need it. I'm thinking about really getting back to budgeting lately and saving up money.

Christmas , is coming up and I have most of my shopping done and I'm happy that I'm not stressing at the last minute over it. I also set limits this year and hope I wont go over them like I have in the past. The less stress I make myself the less I get triggered from my mood that seems to fuel it. I was happy that I was able to find some normalcy traveling as odd as it seems puts me in a more structured frame of mind. I feel like I have a fresh slate to start on at home and to get some of that structure and rountine back here if I can. Travelling also stressed to me that I need to get out more no matter what. The sunny weather is really helping me a lot. The days are chalked with sun for the past week . What a little sun and sleep will do to a mood. I actually look forward to cooking today also. I actually don't want to isolate any longer and get out and do some grocery shopping to pick up the basics also. I want to really work on getting some more strict structure and rountine balanced with some fun. I was really reminded how much boredom fuels my negative attitude and restless nature.
Now it is time to get busy and try to live life to it's fullest and back to list making to priotize what I need to get done and some brainstorming about what to do around this small town to keep me occupied so I don't become such a malcontent and grump.

Visit

I have been away from home now for three days. It has been wonderful and has made my mood more manageable. I didn't realize how bored I was at home or lonely until now. Boredom really fuels my mood in a bad way. Travelling I'm very used to. I used to travel every 3 months of the year back and forth to the states. I have a routine for everything at a motel or hotel. I also thought I never wanted back at another motel or hotel for a very long time. I spent almost 3 months of my life at one last year traveling before I just settled for Canada. Now I can enjoy not cooking and having a meal out because it isn't an all the time thing. I also adapt very easily back to hotel living because I'm so familiar with what they have and what they don't. I always bring my own coffee and coffee press to a hotel because they don't have adequate coffee. I also being an insomniac bring things, to do to not disturb my partner. I shouldn't let on I can be so quiet in the wee hours of the morning .
Overall , I'm having a fine time visiting my in-laws. I manage short little visits during the day not to get overwhelmed because my mood is still high. I pick places to eat that aren't flashy and have alot going on except the taste of the food because people at times gets on my nerves. I look forward to going, to the mall and shopping. After , being in a tiny town for 6 months I really miss all the selection of stores and how easy it is to find things. I also miss the sounds of a city . As I look out my hotel window I see one of the busiest highways in Canada and think oh , civilization. I miss people and not rude ones that I'm used to where I live. Or take your money for a half ass job or service because they think they are entitled. The more I'm here the more I don't want to go to that shit-hole town . I like service and without attitude or the pace of a snail. People actually smile here. It is more diverse and people mind there own business and not what everyone else is doing or not doing. I love the autominty that a city affords people . Then tomorrow I go back to reality with the grind of home and a small community . I'm not going to try to think about it today and enjoy my day. I have been wanting some Pho and think there is a place down the street that makes it. At least my taste buds aren't assaulted here and the food isn't bland, I do have to shop for my winter supplies such as skis and snow shoes to make this winter more bearable than the last one. I also am thinking about going to Henry's camera as they have the most wonderful camera equipment . I generally have had to order on-line. I just need a peek of a wide angle lens or a more of a telescopic lens for photographing birds and wild life as the one I have isn't that powerful. I also have to stock up on cat food as I don't ant to pay double for the same bag I buy at Pet value . I really didn't know they carried big bags of Royal Canine until I went shopping in another town this summer and paid about the same amount for a big bag than a little bag. It is crazy all the things I have to drag back home from the lack of availability where I live.
This trip I actually got better sleep also than when I was at home. Not as many distractions and I'm just real tired from being up all day and being busy. I take care of myself better and don't have the stress load that I do at home. Except for the meowing cat we took with us because we didn't want to leave her for 4 days. She is a riot. We left her with the TV on and came back and she was all in a fit because she jumped on the remote when we where out and had it off channel or ordered something pay per view. Don't really know. I hope she didn't rent a porno. The room was hissing and dark and took awhile when we came back to calm her down. Over all she does living out of a hotel fine and travels very nicely as she is seasoned at it. It also has been a treat to be away from the dogs a couple of days and I'm starting to miss them. We will pick them up tomorrow afternoon.
Well shower time to get started with my shopping today.

Mixed Mood switching over to Mania

In this mixed state of mine , I feel like it is moving to just pure mania. I wanted a shift of mood but not mania. I hate full blown mania. I'm ok if I just don't do anything to agitate me but you have to live life. The more I do the more I act like a volcano of energy. I finally went and did my clothes yesterday and what a chore that was. I ended up doing them fine until they where about done. The first dryer load I folded and then I couldn't fold them any more and just shoved them into bags to do at home. I hate wrinkles and will have to iron some of them out. I tend to hate anything out of order when I'm in this mood and I'm not my laid back self.
I have been getting cat naps and that hasn't been great but at least it is sleep. I can sleep two -three hours straight and wake up . My sleep generally ends in a nightmare which wakes me up. I once had a shrink tell me nightmares tend to happen when a mood is changing. Wow, what an insight. I could have said that. I know my cycles pretty well and November is a bear for me with mania and just pure insanity no matter what I do. I can ease the insanity and do less damage but it is still there the underlying mood. I just have to have my safe guards in place like limits of money and more time outs and I try not to go around people as much as I tend to be irritable or to friendly. I do everything to an excess in this mood and have a hard time seating still.
Which brings me to I don't know how I'm going to seat for 4 hours in the truck when we go to Cambridge today. I will but it will be painful. I will be like a fidgeting little kid , yelling are we there yet. I think I will have to bring my gameboy and listen to music and try to distract myself just like you would a hyper child. Rest stops to exercise my bouncing legs. I think when we get there I will manage to stay busy and take the breaks I need and maybe it will just make me happy not to be at home which I surely think it will. Now to manage to not spend to much as I will give my partner my credit card and will only ask for it when I really need it . I will also need some time outs from my in-laws as they tend to get on my nerves also at times and that is when I will walk out and have a continual smoke break. I need to set my boundaries as they are different in this different mood. It does work though .

Ramblings

I need to dig myself out of my boredom rut or I will watch crap on tv and read magazines that don't have much relevance. I caught myself watching The House Wife's of Georgia and New Jersey. Oh I have stooped to a level of boredom I never thought I would. If you have watched these reality shows all they do is try to one up each other in designer outfits and materialism. They are so superficial and even their appearance is such as they literally spray their make up on to go to one of the social events. They are petty , arrogant and everything I would never want to posses as a human being. It is interesting such people exist and I'm secertly intrigued to what shallow deeps these women go to. I think reality tv feels a void when people watch it and think "Wow, I can't believe how they act, I'm so much better than that".
I do have hobbies and a lot of them. I just can't concentrate on them in this murky mood. It is getting better though and picked up a magazine with more meat in it and hope to pick up a Sunday paper today. When my mood is in the depths of murky water I really don't care what is happening with the world and escape threw tv that has me not thinking except Wow , thank god I'm not that way. It is like feel good tv when your in the pits and that is about the only time it appeals to me. Nothing like a good dose of crappy tv when I get like this. Another favorite when I don't want to think is Judge Judy. I swear she gets idiots on purpose because they don't act very bright and she gets to yell at them for their stupidity. It is amusing in a non- thinking mood but doesn't appeal to have someone yelled at when Im in a better mood. I have a whole litany of shows I watch when Im in a non-concentration mood where I dont have to follow a plot. I also love women's household magazines when Im in this mood also as their isnt much of a plot and most women already know what ever they are writing about. Sometimes , I do like the recipes. It is a fun easy read and maybe I might glimmer a tip or two for something .
Now to start climbing out of this rut to do some of the things I enjoy like photography, Wii, just generally getting out of the house, cooking, and hopefully ice-skating this coming week. I will ponder as I finish my coffee about some of the better things and movies I could be watching . Or picking up one of the many books I have ordered and haven't got to. Or turning on the CBC for some real news and not what Kate Gosling has been doing. I really don't care what she is doing but when you have the attention span of a gnat it is better than watching something serious.

Bouncy Ball

The last couple of days I have been bouncing like a bouncy ball during the day when I'm not sleeping. I have short- leashed myself with meds for the past three days and it just makes my body feel like a wet noodle but does nothing for my brain to slow down. Except itmakes me go to sleep at odd hours during the day and not sleep through the night.
Today, my legs aren't as restless bopping up and down as the past couple of days and that is a good sign as it is very annoying to have your whole body fidgeting. I went to town yesterday and made it quick as my mood wasn't conducive to social interaction and what I think in this mood comes out of my mouth. In this manic mix I'm not tactful and I'm getting used to a town I really don't want to live in and have an opinion about everything and everybody in this mood. I even have some noises that just come out of me. I did manage to pick up my Bose system and it really is great. It is a very great bright spot as I love music in about every genre. Even though rock, pop and punk are my favorite. It really enhances the music on my ipod and makes me want to collect more music . Collecting music has never been a problem anyways as I have over 1,000 albums on my ipods.
I have been up for awhile and still can't concentrate very well but I do my best in the morning hours and it doesn't take any thought to pick up and water plants. I'm getting trash together for dump day and some less clutter out of the house. I'm also getting laundry ready so we will have clothes ready for our trip. I also have to brush the animals again as they are getting boarded next week. I'm looking forward to some time without them . I love them so much but like time away from them also.
I have alot to look forward to if my mood doesn't get into my way in a terrible nasty way. I'm taking safe guards against that though like having time to have many time outs and if necessary more medication. This probably will be my last trip to a major city till February.

Sunny Day

I have started my journey getting out of the house and it is such a nice day that I don't want to waste it. It is cold but very sunny and I have needed a day like this. I think it would improve my mood. Also, had to take some meds prn that is like the glue that binds my brain and takes the ants out of my pants. I have alot of errands to run today . I love productive days and I feel today will be one. I dont have anything heavy to do today so it will go good. Then I can start getting ready for my vacation next week and start planning what I will need for next week. I still have laundry to do as I dread that because I have to go to a laundry mat. It isn't to bad though if I'm in the mood. Everything isn't bad if I'm in the mood for it. I'm starting slowly once again to get in the mood for things and part of it I think is simple is the shining sun and just time for my mood to cycle through. I know it is far from over though and hopefully I wont be took hostage any longer by the mixed mood I have been having.

Dreary Day

It is so dark and nasty out. I woke up very early in the morning again to find patches of snow and rain. Now it has turned into sleet. The trees are stark and the ground bare patches of snow and dead earth. It is just depressing. The sky is bleak as well as frantic with weather activity. Sort of sounds like my mood. I really need to force myself out of this house as I'm getting stir crazy as I haven't been to town in a week. Nothing ever comes out good when I don't go out and try to socialize even when I don't want to. I can forget jogging today as that has been the only thing to get me out of this house. I find myself increasingly irritable when I don't go for a jog or walk. The last two days I basically only go out to let the dogs out.
Once I get into the frame of not going out it is hard to go out again and I get comfortable in my isolation. I know isolation for myself builds and gets worse . Time for me to throw myself in the shower and bundle up after wards and stop whinging about the weather. Isn't that what raincoats are for? I got to tell myself this as I don't want to go out and will make any excuse available. If anything I need to force myself out even if it is for a dreary walk to clear the cob webs and agitation in my head.

Life

Life is OK. My partner got out of detox Monday. She is still weak physically but doing well. I see a vast improvement with her. She still has along ways to go physically but is getting there. I was actually happy to have her back home and take it a day at a time also with her problem. My mood is still mixed and I have been trying to be up beat. My sleep is still irregular but at least I'm sleeping. I know sometime, it will go back to normal. I just need a jolt or something to get it back to normal hours that people sleep.
I'm going to have to start getting ready also for our trip next week and I have had not much energy except to do stuff that I have to do around the house. I look forward to the trip actually to get out and visit in-laws and get a little shopping done. I want to buy some cross country ski's this year and possibly some snow shoes. Last year I bought some ice skates which I need to use more. I'm a terrible skater. I actually look forward to the snow as that is when a second wave of life starts around here. It is also nice and bright in the winter and not ugly and as dull as it is now.

Therapy through cooking

I feel a little better today even though my mood hasn't passed . Just the way that I look at things in my life. I noticed to make a mood tolerable I have to ignore the negative self talk which I'm not always good at doing but after years I have started trying to re frame my thinking and just not worry so much and accept the moment. One of the things that helped me was staying distracted. I went on to cook for part of the day. I made stuffed green peppers and a roast. I made three huge stuffed peppers and was able to eat a half of one sliced for lunch with garlic roasted potatoes and corn. The left overs are for lunch today. The roast I did with a Cajun rub, onions and baby bella mushrooms. I had some for dinner and will make BBQ- beef sandwich's out of it today for tonight's dinner. The thing is I didn't feel like cooking but sometimes a healthy escape as doing what we need to do is great therapy and great to eat. It also makes me not have to think about fixing food for today. I also do know that three healthy meals a day are essential to me and will make a bad mood tolerable and a bad mood not tolerable if I don't eat healthy.

Distraction

Distraction is a good thing for aniexty. I have been experiancing a lot of anxiety this morning thinking about thinks I just can't control or predicts it's out come. I have been so nervous about a situtation in my life I was dry heaving in the bathroom.
I decided I just don't need to think and just do something productive. I groomed all three dogs and they look very nice and probaly weight less . It seemed like I stripped off a pound of fur. I'm very impressed with the furminator as it seems effortless to brush them with one brush instead of three. I even got the cat done also and didnt know she possessed so much loose fur either. I have turned into the domestic goddess this morning trying to cope with the anxiety Im experiancing. It feels horrible but it is more at bay at the moment . It makes me feel better when I can see results and I can get results by controlling what I can like cleaning the bathroom shiny. I have more things to distract me like menu planning and maybe a nice walk if the weather holds up. I need something to release this negative energy and exercise does it. I will keep my head up and keep trudging