Sunny Day

It is such a nice day today. It has rained pretty hard off and on for about a week. It is nice and warm today. First day really of any warmth here. About 70F or 18C for an estimate. The daffodils are finally coming up and looking so pretty. Something, about bright colours that make me happy. The tulips are inching up pretty steady and hopefully in a week or two they will be in bloom. I planted many bulbs last year and forgot what I planted so I'm thrilled to see what colours I planned or I will be very surpised. It will be something to see as I generally am in a higher mood when I buy so many bulbs. It will probaly be very colourful if not a tacky arraigment of colours. Who knows. That is why I said I will be surpised:)
The ice went out of the lake about a week ago . I think anyway. I just managed the other day to walk in the backyard to look at it. It is so nice to see water again and also see that our dock held up in the brutul ice and winter. I can't wait till June when it will probaly be warm enough to swim in. I really look forward to swimming and floating around in the lake.
Today, is actually nice enough to bbq. How I have missed my Green Egg. I look forward to getting back to using it a lot as it is so idiot proof and easy to cook on. I really do need easy and healthy at the minute. I also always have loved no dishes. I hate washing dishes. I love easy clean up also. I like anything that makes life easier.
I did manage to walk around slowly yesterday and throw some grass seed out to reseed the lawn. You can't go wrong with grass seed that will grow on cement:) It is lovely grass when it grows so easy and you don't have to do all the complicate reseeding methods and watering all the time. I had J do the fertlizing this year. I just love nice grass that is soft that you can go barefooted on. I hate shoes and socks. Have had my sandals on for awhile even though it has been cold. Oh the freedom of sandals and not heavy clunky snow boots. I literally lost a good 5-10 pounds shedding those boots. Story on my snow boots was I accidently bought construction , steel shanked ones with steel toes in them. They where so warm and like wearing weighs around my ankles I kept them. I'm really like that story princess and the pea when it comes to finding just the right boot. I have like four pairs of various ugly snow boots. I love various shoes if I have to wear them. Love the different sandals and tennis shoes. Blackflie season will be shortly here and I will have to put the shoes back on to not get ate up.
It is very important to enjoy the nice weather because when the trilliums come up the blackflies will be out. They last a couple of weeks hopefully. The mosqutioes last longer but I don't hate them as much. I had the garden dug awhile back so will have J start planting. I was going to do it sooner but life came knocking. I look forward to puttering around the garden this year. I planted one last year and the girls (dogs) died and I had no passion for much and let it go. I can't believe Spud has been gone for almost a year. It seemed just like yesterday. I can actually finally think of her without crying and actually smile some. I still have my moments since both Spud and Flora died so close together. Next week , I have to deal with Brett and the vet. I postponed it till this coming Thursday and I won't be happy but I think I can deal with it. Either they can help him or I will have to think about putting him down. The old man has been through so much with me and has been such a loyal friend. But I'm prepared. I have been through so much this past last year nothing is much of a surpise to me and really has taught me I can deal with just about anything. It has also taught me to enjoy the small moments also as anything or anyone can be here one moment and gone the next. I have had grief in the past but this last year I really had to deal with it and really go through the stages and just not just get stuck.
Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the nice day. Absorb the sun and try to have fun and not take myself that serious.

Doing Better

I'm very tired today. It seems lately my sleep is just a little off. It has to do mostly with weird dreams that make no senses what so ever. I have been doing very well though physically and mentally. Physically, I'm back to doing light housework and doing some light walking at a very slow pace. Mostly, just walking around the yard and a little bit of getting out and going to the store. Mostly, to the store to just go out. Just really picking up bits and pieces. So, I can leave at anytime that I start getting tired or have chest pain. It has been a real adjustment. I'm used to doing everything fast and walk very fast. I have had to slow down so much since this heart-attack. It has been very frustrating. I do try to keep mentally and physically active in some way because I don't want to fall into a severe depression. As, it is real easy when I'm not active and the whole thing of how I used to be so strong.
It is kind of ironic that I had a heart -attack being as strong as I was. At the same time it wasn't. Mix bad blood pressure and extreme physical exercertion, extreme stress and I realize now not coping with anger is a super bad ingertents for a mild heart attack. Before, I had a heart-attack I was literal acting like a bulldozer removing trees and doing very strentous yard work after being dormant with my shoulder for a couple of months. My judgement was very off as I was very stressed, angry and getting manic. I actually can see how people die of exhaustion now.
It has been a real lesson to me to slow down physically and emotionally. Anger now raises my blood pressure the most. I'm starting to have to talk it out more and not get so angry and stuff it. It also has taught me to pace myself. Pacing myself has been hell. When I want something done , I just want it done (period) I generally wont stop when I want something done or just want to achieve . I get yelled at now if I forget to go at a slower pace. My body also tells me to slow the hell down. Nothing like some chest pain to slow you down. Example, the other day I ran for the phone as the cat knocked it down and I couldn't find it. I totally forgot that I don't jog or run even if it is an important call. It can wait. I felt chest pain. It is so weird I have patients for somethings in life but not for other things. Or my patients can wear thin over a period of time for somethings.Generally, situtations that haven't changed in years or I see very very slow progress with. I'm being evasive but will get to it sometime when I'm ready.
I have been so much more postive in the last ten days. I'm just extremely happy to be alive. It was such a scar. I'm so happy that my heart and blood pressure meds are actually working. I also have less anxiety. I think I confused anxiety for high blood pressure and warning signs for a heart attack and stroke. I used to have severe anxiety attacks at one time and the impending sense of doom and dying is a bit different but similar. The arm hurt different and so did the chest. But as a person that has been in the mental health system for alongtime you start doubting yourself. You label it depression, anxiety, etc. Lesson take physical pain serious and don't think it is in your head as most of the industry will make you believe. I'm very thank-ful J made me go to the hospital. I was lucky J used to work in CCU for years and nag me to go. I generally never listened to J and kept going back when my meds and blood pressure wasn't leveling with meds. They are working great now. I still have some life-style adjustments to do but in time they will get done. Looking forward to life like I haven't in alongtime.

Still Kicking

I had a crummy birthday yesterday and also Easter. I had plans to make a dinner but didn't feel up to it. J didn't make a fuss of it either. The only presents I got where from my family.I pretty much slept the whole day. When I was up I was pretty emotional. I'm getting a little better about not being dso depressed and emotional.
I was told it is common after a heart attack to be emotional and depressed. It is hard to have so much life in me and have to do nothing except lay on the couch. I feel frustrated most days now.

I guess I'm getting used to my meds as today has been the first day I haven't been dizzy. I get a little stronger each day. Or I tell myself that as Im not a person that wants to seat on my butt. I have a dental appoinment today and that is a postive . To get my teeth fix would help my self-esteem as I used to have pretty teeth and the psych meds made them terrible.

I'm going to try to do some activitys today as my body will tolerate it

High Blood Pressure

I have had a interesting week. My blood pressure has been off the charts. Some of those lovely jems have beeen 158/120 with a pulse over 120. 165/140 etc. My blood pressure has made me feel terrible. I stayed most of the day at the hospital one day with all sorts of tests, cat-scan to see if I had a stroke and other blood test.

Felt like crap the next day as my blood pressure wasn't lowering at all. I was an emotional mess as I was having angine and some other sysmptoms. Anxiety was taking over and it was bad.

The next day went back to ER with chest pains and high bloood pressure. I was put on two more pills which makes it three. This time the doctor gave me all the paperwork and x-rays and scans for my follow up appoinment I have in May. I found my paperwork interesting as on one page it did indiciate I possible had a heart-attack. I looked at my CBCs also and had levels that where abnormal also. I was dumbfounded that everything was handled in such a sloopy manner. Now I just have to be patient these blood pressure pills will work and slow my very fast heart.

I have to move slower and get some rest as I'm starting down the road of depression as I'm suppose to avoid stress and tension . I laughed at that. I'm not one to just sit my ass on the couch etc. I'm trying to maintain my sanity. When things settle down I will have to make life style changes. Little by little. I just need things to go back to a better normal and I was doing that until this happened.

Observations

I have noticed a few things in the past couple of days. The weather really does affect my mood more than I would like to admit to. The weather also effects my body also. It seems gray and dark weather makes my joints and ailements hurt more. I think I'm just more aware of all my aches and pains.

I have also noticed when the SAD lamp doesn't cause me worse head-aches and higher moods, it does wonders. That is short term though as I can't do the SAD lamp very long as it really will push me over the edge.

I have also noticed I really have to eat balanced meals even though I don't feel like eating 3-4 times a day. Also, eating more frequently never allows my blood sugar to get all screwed up and moody as hell. I also sleep very well when I eat right and I'm not hungry when I go to bed. I don't wake up a million times. Eating right also gives me more energy. I have been back on my vitamins again and they are starting to give me some more energy also. I stopped them because they where upsetting my stomach so much. I really have to eat breakfeast taking vitamins. They still cause stomach distress but not as badly. I found probiotic yogurt helps me immensily with my IBS issues and my stomach isn't as bad off.

I'm back to wanting to be healthy again. I try to be more physical even though it hurts my body. I keep telling myself I won't be where I was physically at one time but in time I might. Years of injuring my body with high risk activities have took a toll on me. I'm looking at kinder hobbies. Can't wait till the weather gets nice and everything drys out for golf season. I have been rehabbing my shoulders nicely and hope to have more range and motion back for golf. I have been working through the pain with my shoulders and back with just doing what I need to do. Even though I have my down days. I still have to do a lot of adominal strenghting for my lower back. I'm at a place physically where I can get back to rowing with weights to strenghten my shoulders now. I'm aching to get physical again as I'm not used to being on the couch for months. It killed me mentally this winter not to be able to do the things I like physically.

I also noticed being more physical helps me deal with my anxiety better. It also helps with anger to just keep moving and doing something very physically demanding. It helps my racing mind too.

Interrupted

One thing that has been bugging me lately is the lack of concentration. It makes things so hard at times. So usually I opt to do brainless manuel tasks in this frame of mind. When it comes to writing it is so hard and I feel like it is all disorganized and jumbled. I just can't have interruptions at all. I got into an argument with J for interrupting me while writing. When writing in this frame of mind , I get distracted and when I'm interrupted I lose my thoughts.

I usually write out in the living room seating on the couch as it is comfortable. It hurts my shoulders and back less. The draw back is interruptions. Here is an example: "Are you chatting?", "Look at that commerical." the list goes on. It is truly annoying trying to write and be interupted. My bubble thoughts are WTF,you know I hardly ever chat and even if I was, why are you interrupting. Or do you really think I give a shit about what the hell is on television? I would be watching tv if I wanted to see it. I never say any of it but I did blow yesterday about getting interrupted as I have told J don't interrupt when I'm writing. If you see my fingers moving be quiet. I did come up with something to help the interruptions. I will now write in the computer room. I have my distractions there but not as many. I told J if you see me in the computer room don't talk to me period. My writing places will get better once we have better weather . I can write in the camper or the shack. The shack is a little building that is just on the cliff on the lake. It is basically a little shelter that is screened from bugs to enjoy the lake on the edge of our property. Frankly, I think it looks like a produce stand. Very functioning though with a bed, table and chair. No electricity though. Which means less distractions.

Talking about distractions, I was writing my pen pal and I wrote four pages. Got distracted many times writing it. It turned out to be crap. I ended up scrapping it. I will have to go back through the letter to pull out the good ideas if they are any. I will start over again and hope it flows better and my ideals are clear and better thought out. I was going to say well thought out. I haven't thought well in awhile. It is coming back slowly and the weather here isn't helping.

The weather is all over the place here. In fact it is snowing today. I want to scream about the snow and lack of sun light. The weather is the weather and I have to deal with it. We had such a nice couple of days last week with warmer temps and bright sun. That didn't last long. Spring is so unpredictable.Back, to winter weather and raining all this coming week. I felt my mood that was starting to even out go the opposite direction to some mixed hell. I brought out the SAD lamp today and hope that it will help when it will be dark, rainy and miserable. It amazes me though going from yard work and gardening to blowing snow again. That was two days ago. I did a lot of yard work and had a ton more to do. My lower back and shoulders really flared up after that though. I'm so sore. I have been getting up and walking like a little old lady. The weather turning has made a lot of my joints hurt. My knee was throbbing yesterday. I didn't even realize my knee hurts as my shoulders take the cake. I just put some biofreeze on and laid down yesterday. It worked. I also had such a throbbing sinus/migraine thing going on yesterday that made me wish I was died. Which brings me to the point if my sinus are acting up why in the hell is it snowing. I like sleeping with the window half open to let the cold air in and can always tell when it is actually spring because it will make me sick as hell with my allergies.

I'm rambling pretty good now and think I will close. I guess I will have to blog more to convey everything I want to say. I don't feel like proof-reading at the moment as it is a chore and I just want to get this out. I haven't been editing post for awhile now. I'm sorry for that as I know it makes it harder to read.

Such As Life-Update

I blogged six days ago and it seems like a life time ago. The many different stressors in my life isn't very helpful for my memory and concept of time. I have been very busy this past last week and the days seem to all go together and it is hard to have a concept of time.

I have a a lot of different stress going on and that is on going. I have the family saga of chaos going on with my sister and daughters accident and my grandma on hospice getting worse by the day. My grandma lives with my mother and so does my daughter even though she is an older teen-ager. I'm the person my mother gets her emotional support from. Sometimes, it is a very hard job but mostly I'm happy with it. Finally after so many years my mother turns to me and trust me with very difficult things in her life. We have had a very rocky relationship at times and a very dysfunctional relationship through out the years. It helps me knowing she always tried over the years even if it was misguided at times. I'm passed most of the resentments. She still does irritate the hell out of me at times but less frequently. Her life is just so majorly chaotic and sometimes is to much for me to listen to or be subjective even though I maintain very good composure on the phone. It just really wrecks me after I get off the phone. I have been trying to get lighter on the phone since life really shouldn't be a train wreck and away to get through life no matter what is going on is to focus not only on the bad. To focus on trauma and tradegy will make you a basket case. The conversations have to be infused with mundane life and escapism to get through the tough times. Also, it helps seeing humour in the very dark. I know from experience as my life has been anything than a bed of roses and filled with all sorts of lovely trauma and tragedy. The more time I dwell in hell the more life becomes hell.

My, dog is also having health problems which is natural because he is an old dog. It is sketchy what he is suffering from but it is a tumour pressing on his bladder or cushions disease. He isn't suffering that much but is making me and J's life hell with getting up at 4 having to go to the bathroom and up again two hours later having to go out. It is interrupting sleep. He drinks so much and has to go to the bathroom so much. Can't be gone for hours either as he has to go all the time. He also pants all the time unless it is very cool and it doesn't help that he likes to be shoved into one or both of us at all times anymore. I just don't know if I can cope very well with him dying which he is. I just really don't think he has much time left. Mr. Brett is so much to me and has been through eleven and a half years of hell and good times with me. He is my bad boy and my ever so loyal loving dog. He is such a sensitive intuned to feelings dog. I used to joke the dog was bipolar because he picks up and acts my mood. He is hyper by nature since he is a Brittany. A wonderful dog if you have high energy. He was my running partner for years and the poor thing has stiff joints now and doesn't run as far but I don't mind as I don't move like I once did either. We jog short distantances when we feel like it and that isn't much for either one of us. He is still active though in the yard and actually had a good day with me doing yard work and preparing the vegetable garden. I played chase with him and for once it was easy. He is more of a calm dog now and just watches me garden and work where as he used to be a hand ful and want to run and play all the time and not sit still up until this last winter.

J is still doing a med change and it has been hell. I see a bigger positive with J getting off some of the doses but J is still physically ill from it and has a range of moods now within a day. It is the withdrawal process and the brain basically thawing out from the freeze it has endured. This is only the beginning and not near over. I keep telling myself it will get better as it has been getting better. Just new things to deal with now.

I have other things such as the house is falling apart and things need to be replaced and the money to buy major appliances and repairs which would stress anyone out.

The list goes on but I have lost my train of thought which is annoying but I will try to go into these things and more at a later date and try to be not interrupted as I'm now. Which is life.

Crazy Lady

It is an overcast Sunday morning gradually warming up to what is going to be pleasurable temps today. About, 10-15C or between 50-6o degrees. I'm looking forward to the wonderful weather. Yesterday, was wonderful also weather wise. It didn't start out as such a nice day though. I guess I woke up wrong. I started out OK. I did my usual things I do in the morning and then almost about snapped and went all Psycho/Crazy lady. I didn't want to really go there. In my mind my anger and crazy was justifided. I still had a part of the rational me left. I told J to get me a haldol. I generally don't take meds except when I truly need them and think I'm going to be a train wreck. I really thought I was going to derail and cause a firey crash. My mind was so irrational with thoughts that bordered homicidal. Not that I would ever go that far but it is so uncomfortable to have such rage and anger that isn't in proportion with reality.

I took the two pills. They weren't acting fast enough. I had about 45minutes plus to kill until the meds would start to work. I thought I really had to do something to distract myself and something physical. I had laundry to load to take to town and to clear out the truck. I went outside and started to distract myself. I worked hard unloading things, and gatherering things . While , I was outside, I could hear the birds sing, the woodpecker peck and the ellusive squirell run around. I thought to myself it is hard to be a raging homicidal wreck when it is so nice outside and cheery with the wildlife. When this happened I knew i was being more logical because when I'm in that mood I wouldn't give a flip about some birds singing even though I love nature. The change in pace helped a lot also. Being distracted and inaged in other things helped so much not to fixate in the irrational. During this corse of time , I was very careful about opening my mouth to J. J doesn't deserve for me to go all crazy lady . I did need to voice my anger later on as it was still very real and legit. I waited till I was logical and focused to share my anger. Also, J knows when I say I'm in an irrational place , J doesn't mess with me or talk to me until I'm ready. The animals also seem to get that point also as they stay away from me. When I'm in that state of mind I'm very quiet and must radiate a lot of hostility. My head goes a million miles an hour etc. I think I must have a real intense look and look off my rocker. I had the knack of a look years ago.When I was teaching . One look and some misbehaved kid would think a little harder and start behaving. I know the dogs and cat behaved wonderfully all day yesterday. They have been a handful lately probaly because I have had such a crappy attitude and haven't wanted to bother with anything.

It ended up being a postive day. I did the things I finally have needed to do mentally. I realized how lazy I have been for awhile taking care of myself and allowing my mood to get worse over the months. I was wondering what the hell was wrong with my mood not turning better this time of year as it always turns more postive. Well for me to have more of a postive mood, I always worked at it or it is the ugly mixed crap or negative mania. It was like boom yesterday. I had enough of the way my life has been going and this crap is going to change. It won't change over night but I'm aware of the changes I need to make. Some of it is such basic things that I tend to neglect. Taking Vitamins, eating right and exericsing. The list is actually long but those little things go along ways to a start. I need to start sharing my feelings so I don't have so much anxiety and anger going on also. I got to the point I have just had it in every way and one of those areas was in my relationship with J. I don't know if J will change. But I have to change how I react to J and the lack of what J does and doesn't do.

I'm starting down a road where I'm going to start dealing a little more with how I handle things. I haven't been implusive in a longtime but instead realized I internalized a lot causing me to be more of a mixed wreck. I tired of keeping it all organized in my brain. It turned into a huge mess emotionally for myself where I was feeling dead and numb. Here is a start to a new day. Putting the knowledge I have to work.

Last Week Was Crazy

This past last week blew by like a tornado. Rough and destructive. I'm glad it is in the past. It has been the most drama in my life in awhile. I hate drama and avoided it like the plaque. When we where in Cambridge visiting my in-laws, I got a call from my mother. It was early in the morning and I could hear her voice that something was wrong. At first I thought my grandmother died. Instead, she told me my daughter, sister and my daughter's best friend was in a car accident. That they where all alive. Relief set in that they where all alive. Then I was told it was a pretty bad accident. My daughter suffered a pretty bad concussion, cuts all over her face, broken collar bone. My sister was the worse injured. Broken pelvis in two places, internal bleeding that results in taking out part of her small intestion and repairing another part. It will be a very long recovery for her as the seat belt damaged her abodmen real bad and they can't close her abdomien from the surgery and will have to pack it and let it heal from the inside out. My daughters friend suffered a broken collar bone and a broken ankle. After, seeing pictures of the car they are all very lucky to be alive.

The drama started when the accident happened . No one knew at the time what happened. Me and my mother sort of had it figured out by some of the things my sister told her when she was in ER trauma unit. My mom would call and call when I was in Cambridge giving me updates. We did find out that my sister caused the accident running a red light. For what ever reason , we will not ever know. The other girls in the car don't remember anything. It is all a nightmare blur to them.I know the girls are suffering from PTSD after the wreck. It was an ordeal for them getting cut out of the car with the jaws of life, all the blood, etc. I don't know what my sister is going through as she has been drugged to the max with pain pumps etc. She has a large posse at her bedside that prefers her not to know the truth. That is where the rub starts. My sister isn't a child and shouldn't be treated like one. My mother is in the cross fire of this and hates it. So, I get a phone call everyday trying to console my mother who has enough on her plate than deal with the irresponsibility of my 38 year old sister and the people who she choices to surround herself with. She hasn't took any responsibility at all for what she has caused. We don't even know the state of the other people who hit her. She rarely ask how the girls are doing and acts like some spoiled ass princess up at the hospital. Total prima donna. It makes me sick to my stomach. My mother was a nurse and J was also an RN for 25 years. We all shake our head and loath how she treats the staff at the hospital. We also know what it means for my sister as she won't be treated so nicely either. It really puzzles me how anyone can act like a baby being so old. Actually, she is acting like a child.

This accident has brought past resentment to light and I'm working on it. This accident was the icing on the cake with my sister. I also feel if she had to hurt anyone the most I was glad it was her since she caused this. I do know that accidents happen but I have never ran a red light in my life and it could of been avoided. I do understand not paying attention causes accidents. The thing is she should take responsibility for what she has done and be truly sorry and not act like the victim. She victimized four other people and countless others that have to deal with the emotional, physical and finical impact of picking up the pieces. It has took me most of the week not to be so angry as it has triggered other shit also from the past.

I hate drama and dread when my phone rings. I subject myself to the drama of my family because my mother has no one else to talk to about it to. I try to stay out of it and neutral like a therapist would but as soon as I get off the phone I'm a mess and very angry. I vent to J about it. It is getting easier and as time goes on and it will , I deal with the emotion and the past. I move on and live my life. Years of therapy has finally paid off even though I haven't done it in years. I have had to apply the knowledge I do have. It has took me years to detach from my dysfunctional family. Also, moving out of the country has help so much. (lol) I have got to a point it isn't productive to bash my sister or her short comings so I change the subject as it isn't productive to anyone to keep rehashing it. Yesterday, was the first day me and my mother talked about something else . Life does go on and we don't have to be pulled into her drama. I do deeply care and hope she will be OK. But I limit the conversations to only her physical well-being and that's all. I don't need to be worked up over her hot mess of a life. She is what she is and probably will never change.