This could be two post

It was such a grey windy morning when I woke up. I was less than thrilled about this winter thaw we are having. A couple of hours later it was so bright and sunny. I changed my mind about the hot day. The temp is (40F)or (5C) I'm getting real good at converting back and forth from Fahrenheit and Celsius. I should say more of a ball park as I have basically memorized what is what. I still don't think in metrics. My head clicks back and forth with metric and Celsius. It reminds me that I'm taking to my new country and home. I have also pretty much have shed my southern accent and slang also. I was never raised in the south but my parents where southern and for awhile lived in hillbilly hell in the states. It has took me a good 2-3 years to shed my accent and also develop an ear for other ethnic accents. I was totally lost when someone from certain countries from Europe, Asia or India spoke to me. Not any longer as it sounds very normal to me now. I watch the show swamp people and you would have to run sub-titles on that show now for me to understand them half the time.

I went to my massage though yesterday and realized though when I'm totally relaxed my new non accent and old accent comes and goes . It is weird. Sometimes, I still have to think how to articulate something in clear English or I should say without an accent. I have picked up more of an English vocabulary since living in Ontario full time. When my mother and daughter came and visited this summer, we all looked at each other at times and wondered what the other one was saying. I never realized they had an accent. They had a hard time with my non-accent and different words for different things and some cultural differences. Example, if you order tea in Ontario, you will get a cup of hot tea. In the states , you will get Iced Tea. The Ice tea is different also here. You will get a can of Ice tea. In the south or mid-west you will get some blend of probably Orange Pekoe that is cooled and made into ice tea with tons of sugar. Here that would be like drinking cold hot tea and why would anyone want to do it. Like drinking cold coffee. There is so many little subtle differences between Canada and the States. I could write a whole blog on it. Many differences even in the different provinces just like in the states from North, North West , South West, West, Mid West, and South.

This is going on my third straight year here without going back and forth to the states. I think it has helped me adjust better not going back and forth every 3 months or 6 months living here and there. It really has been a positive on the pocket book not maintaining two houses and for my ability to really find myself. I hated living here full time at first. I hated the rural area etc. I hated being away from my family. I hated to have to start over again. But to be honest , I just hated change. I have always hated change. It is very stressful to me. It is a trigger that makes my moods upside down. I should say what ever mood I'm worse. I have been more open to some change in my life .

Spring coming up is always open to change to me. Just like the season changes so does my mood. Even though we still have a couple more weeks of who knows what here. I can see the gradual change to spring. I see the gradual change in myself. The depression is lifting. The yearning to exercise is coming back. So is the yearning to be healthy and active again. It is like I'm going to get my leafs back or bloom. Even in my depressed or mixed mood down deep I wanted to get back to living a healthier lifestyle and fixing some of my nagging physical pain. I never really thought of myself having chronic pain as it wasn't as horrible as some people with chronic pain. I would just have bad day after I did something like real heavy activity or lifting. Then it increased to a couple of bad days after that kind of activity. Then after all my pain is easier to deal with if I'm in a higher mood or not depressed. Depressed , I don't deal with anything much less pain.

I have been coming along real good physically. My shoulder which was totally immobile went from horrible bitter sharp pain to nagging dull pain to more stiff. I still have a little ways to go but I really feel so much better. I'm also working slowly on other nagging areas such as back. It really has me intouch with how much I need to shed some pounds and get active again. I used to work out to make certain areas strong such as my abs for my back. I also did rowing to strenghten my shoulders. When I gained a ton of weight last year and stopped being active I started to hurt gradually more and more. I was also real skeptic about massage. I got to tell you , I'm sold now. I had a ton of scar tissue formed around difference various muscles in my shoulder and rotator cuff. It has been slowly but sort of fast 2 times a week for a month and I don't feel the pain like I did years ago injuring myself. They are able to break down the scar tissue without surgery. The best thing is doing it new scar tissue doesn't grow back. My body is a mess of years of accidents. Accidents caused by poor judgement and high impact activities. I don't want to be a old lady before my time. I have stopped that stuff for the most part. i just think things out a little better now. I hope I can stay with my new stife to get better.

Flu

I woke up Saturday morning to a surprise. I was so sick. Sneezing, nose dripping and my stomach felt like a volcano about to erupt on both ends of my body. My body has felt like a wet noodle for the 3-4 days. I feel a little better and I'm gradually enjoying solid food. Haven't done my morning ritual of coffee and breakfast yet. My schedule has been totally been in upheaval for the past couple of days. I really haven't done much except watch a ton of television.

Valentine's Day was just another day also with J being sick also. We where sick in bed together yesterday. We where going to get take out Chinese and watch a movie yesterday. Both of us don't feel good enough to watch a movie. Our attention spans are so low to begin with and then throw in having the flu and you get no concentration at all. It has been a ton of reality programming on the television. I usually have some sort of theme something for Valentines Day. I can be a real cheesy sap at times. Most people don't get to see my soft side and J does get to see it. J likes it but thinks it is a bit to much at time. A little too girly.


Back to trying to get some structure back in my life today. Looking forward to cooking a complete meal also today.

Rat...A...Tat..Tat

I have been pretty busy the last past two days. My mood is climbing. I don't know if I like it or not. I'm getting things done though and that is good. It is my cycle though to start climbling this time of year. I think I gave it an extra push last week with the SAD lamp. It works just like an anti-depressant. Which everyone knows bipolar people should discontinue when it makes you manic or pushes towards mania. It really is a fine line. Just glad I caught it before I totally pushed myself over the edge.

Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.

I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .

Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.

Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.

I have a new facebook

After, reading blackfogs comment it just made sense to make a facebook for myself and to keep certain people off of my new one. I can be me more. It is great. Just friends and making new friends. If anyone one wants to add me : Kristy Thorn. The picture is of a winter scene. If I could figure it out at the moment I would add a facebook badge to this page. After, I publish this I will look up . I miss being in a bipolar community or just having a community of my friends and not family. Welcome to my new split personality:)(sorry fog for using your words) but loved it.

Family and Facebook Defriending

I have had a lot of traffic on my sight ranting about facebook. I though I would bring up another annoying problem about facebook and that is family. I'm unfortunate enough to have about 35 people on my facebook who are family. I have the option to set my privacy settings to where I block there access to my content. Defriend them, or to set up another facebook account where I can post what the hell I want. I have all kinds of annoying family on facebook. The one that sees my status update and calls my mom to ask her what the hell is wrong with me. The family member that post something on my status that has nothing to do with the topic. The religious freak relative. Ones that are up in my business. (stalker) Don't get me wrong I like to stalk at times. Yahoo, post so many articles about security and makes it hard to stalk people since the security settings are tighter. The thing is I don't want to be stalked or my information being sold to a third party. I also have that relative that is the chronic inviter. I get a request for all sorts of games. I have dealt with that by blocking all invites from that person. I really don't want to play mafia wars, farmville or any variation of those games. I play about 2 games and that is about it.

The thing is I'm not even close to my family and in little brief tidbits I post they seem to be an expert on me. I also when I call my mother I hear can you refrain from posting what ever is offending or anything at all. I guess my solution to be me on facebook is to create an account where I can be me and reinvite just friends. I don't know when I will do this as at the moment I'm liking to stir the pot and get some of my family members offended. Frankly, I get sick of most of the whiny ass relatives I have bitching about the weather, being fakes when I damn well know better, etc. So, I will play along a little longer because I'm in the mood to screw with them. My advice to annoying family members is to block access to your wall and responses. Or not accept the request in the first place. I feel like my facebook is for me and not my family. My views are mine and if they don't like them they have a hide feature to hide what I post or vent on. I'm opinionated on facebook and have beliefs some of them don't like. That is fine but I don't want them commenting to my mother what I'm doing. Some of them totally lurk and get info to suit them and don't have the balls to say shit to me. Time for another account.

I Wonder....

I wonder if I only write this blog for myself? Which I do. I never hardly get any comments. Neither do I much ask any questions. I wonder if anyone even listens to me really. I wonder why I even want to be liked. I never really cared in the past. I have always had thick skin. I used to have professions where you had to have thick skin. In every way I have always been a minority that has been discriminated against.

I have visitors on my blog and that should satisfy me but not repeat all the time visitors and never ones that stick. I occasionally have people comment and I'm thankful for it. I'm trying to not whine as I don't think I do very much. I guess I'm in a tender place and want to know if I offend people are what it is that I do to not get repeat visitors or comments. Or is there nothing to say about what I post. I know in the past I never commented much on blogs because I was shy or they said it for me. I read many peoples blog everyday and never say anything. I have started to change that as people really need to be heard. I don't feel like I'm being heard. I'm also pretty insecure about my writing abilities. I have always been dyslexic and it is hard to organize my spelling and wording. I can understand if my writing skills suck. The thing is I have read many blogs that suck that have tons of comments and followers. Suck in content and everything about grammar, sentence structure etc. What am I doing wrong? I'm not that tender to get constructive criticism.

Random Ramblings

I don't know what direction, i'm going with this entry. One of the reasons I haven't been writing more is my mind is all over the place. It is really hard to pin point it down to one topic. I guess knowing myself... I named this blog ramblings. I'm very capable of rambling from one subject to another. I'm more unfocused today than even yesterday. I'm not really in a bad mood or good mood either. I'm just in a space that is trying to move to something more concrete. I'm caught in a mist of an mixed mood and physical pain. What an interesting mixture. My brain at the moment has a hard time coming up with the words to put down. They fly through my head but trying to really pin point anything is hard at the moment.

Today, is a little harder than most because my shoulder is acting up so is my rhomboid muscle. I guess that muscle holds the scapula together. It can get aggravated by being behind a desk all day or using a computer. I thought I was going to die yesterday getting the trigger point rubbed out yesterday. I had a new therapist yesterday and DAM it HURT. I told her that I could take a lot of pain. Well, I feel beat up today. I could barely tolerate it yesterday. I can take a lot of pain and generally am rewarded by it feeling so much better. I thought she could put me through the table yesterday. I'm a big girl also. Tall,big boned, and somewhat over weight. It is hard to manhandle me. I never was into gentle anyways but after that experiance I could imagine she had a box of whips somewhere. I could barely move this morning. I'm better this afternoon as I have moved around more. I'm back to a heating pad and over the counter muscle relaxers to get some relief. I have drank so much water in the past two days also. I feel like a camel filling up. Actually, I don't mind drinking all this water as I feel much more hydrated than I usually do. I didn't realize that most of the time I would be dyhradated. I just feel a general malasie. I have had a nagging head-ache all day also. It makes me somewhat cranky to be in pain.

I was doing so good with getting things done around the house in the past week also. It has been slow but I have been getting back on track. I will get back on track tomorrow. My body says rest so it is going to be rest. I was feeling so postive yesterday that I actually went to storage and got a few things. I got my snowshoes, breadmaker, and some more winter clothes. I couldn't get the back open on the truck as it was froze shut. I would of got my cross country skies out. I don't think I'm going to be skiing anytime soon but I was hopeful in a week or two. Snowshoeing is basically just walking so I can do that. It is really a low impact exercise but wonderful cardio. It also burns about 400-900 calories. I could use that. I have been sitting on the couch mostly all winter either from my mood or physical pain and I'm going stir crazy being in the house. I also really love photography and haven't took a picture in months. I actually put my little camera in my pocket just in case. That is a good sign to me. Even though I didn't take a picture yesterday. Nothing really caught my eye. I have had little passion for anything in the past year due to mood or personal problems. I find my heart is less broken though so it is good.
The girls birthday was the other day. I cried and moved on. I miss them very much but life goes on. Last year was wrought with so much turmoil and it is finally getting back to somewhat normal. I never made much of a resolution this year but it was to take better care of myself and I'm doing it.

I don't want this post to be a novel so will talk about some of these things later.