Holiday Let Down

I'm so glad that the holidays are over. I have had my holiday let down or to much of it and had a  little melt- down. Yesterday, without an actual hang-over , I went to bed in the afternoon and woke up in the wee hours of the morning. I think I slept like 10 hours. I also did the same thing the 27th of December where I didn't even try to get out of bed all day and watched TV and just drifted back and forth from sleep.

I read so many blogs. I don't know where I actually read this  but I read it is even common for normal people to get to much holidays and have a let down. Just reading that made me feel a little better about not keeping my mood at a normal scale. I don't know what normal is anyway but try my best at doing the things normal people do during the holidays even if mine where excessive this year. I really tried my hardest to be "normal".

I have scrubbed the house of any decoration or reminder of x-mas except for some candy that I need to put up. I also downloaded a book during the x-mas season on losing weight. From Fat to Fit: How I lost 100 lbs. by Alyssa Reyans. I suggest you join her mailing list as I got this book for free. www.AlyssaReyans.com It is only 3.00 though if you had to purchase it. She also suffers from bipolar and survived many forms of abuse. I suggest to check out her books and web-sight.

Have no idea why my font has changed. I think I will start the book this week-end. I really need to get serious about losing about 20lbs. I just need to be healthier and I think this book might help. A lot of just getting off my ass would help also. I have never been this big and I don't like it. I also hate my clothes being tight. Winter is hard but it is harder for me not being active and puts me more into a rut. My excuse yesterday for not taking a walk was it was to cold. I just need to bundle up and not be so lazy. I also have that treadmill that I bought a year ago that isn't assembled yet. On my list to do this month. I did manage to hook up and assemble everything that was bought for x-mas this year.  Even called out the cable guy to hook some HD box up and clear everything in the bedroom to put the old standard tv out in it. The bummer is nothing works now with the HD tv. I have had to order cords that will make it work. I had to look that crap up on You-tube. It about wracked the little brain I have left. I'm still waiting on the hook-ups that should be here today or tomorrow. Also, saved a lot of money on hdmi cables as they say their is no need to buy anything that cost over 15 bucks and the stores charge from anywhere from 35-over a hundred. I know a lot of people have already moved in the 21st century with HD tv but I haven't until now. It makes me feel old with new technology . I do manage though. Also got rid of our old tv and microwave. Not letting the old junk sit around till I feel like doing it. It has been a work out for my back though. It hurt pretty good around x-mas to present moving dressers and old big tv's and also hauling out the old. It is times like those I wish for a huge burly man to do my bidding. I often thing when I haul out the old to send J to the dump by herself as they always help her. If I'm with J they look at me like it is my problem dumping anything. I seen another lady just bat her eyelashes and get the whole back end of her truck unloaded while  I lumped all the trash and appliances by myself. It leaves me a little bitter at times. But not bitter enough to grow my hair out , bat my eyelashes and wear skinny jeans.

Anyway, time to take a shower and get ready to take the kitten to the vet. Maybe, venture to the grocery store today as I'm craving tons of veggies.

New Year

December was a month of gluttony. I gained 10 pounds and my stomach feels a mess with all the crap I have made and ate. You name it I have ate candies, chocolates ,cheeses, anything rich you can imagine. I have been cooking up a storm also. I cooked so much food over the month of December you could of feed a family of 6 and it is just 2 of us.

I spent so much money in December. All, justified of course. Well in my warped mind anyways. Enough to make me sick as money has been tight but hell just use credit and investment income. I was doing better juggling up till December and it all went to hell. Back again to a money diet. It really didn't help that things broke down left and right in the year of 2012.

Managed to keep myself plenty busy in December just to get through it. Even got a brilliant idea to get another cat right before Christmas. My reasoning is 2 cats make company as 2013 I want to do more camping and travelling.  We usually take our cat every where with us and I'm tired of bringing the cat with us every where. Well, the older cat hates the kitten. Scratched it's eye pretty badly and we have to take it to the vet tomorrow. Oh, how I love vet bills. The cats have made the house a total circus with them eating each others food and flipping attitudes. The dog just stays out of it thank-god. I feel like a farmer tending to the live stock in the mornings . Each animal on a different diet. It has kept me on my toes though and it is getting better. I also started my search to get the dog out of her social anxiety which has worsened with the death of Brett. We are enrolling her into a dog daycare that knows of the dogs issues. I want to travel this year without a pack of animals this year and this is a first step. For 2 years we have been taking the animals every where since Brett couldn't have shots because of liver issues and it has totally sucked taking them everywhere with us. It has made me want to pull my hair out travelling with 2 barking dogs and a meowing cat. It will be nice being free of them. I will take the dog camping though. I always hated taking the cat though. Our cat has travelled more than most people. She has been travelling all over the states and Canada. All over Ontario also. She is an old hand in a hotel or motel.  Well now she has a companion to keep her busy at home and I have to look into pet sitters to come in and feed the cat's.

Well, back on track from my ramblings. My only hope for this coming year is to have a little more hope  and look at life different so I can be happy. I don't wish or want much. I do want to be healthier and will be because it is going to be a process than a crash diet. I want to do more and be more active. I look forward to having more travel experience's as in the past it has made me happier. I just got to get back to what makes me happy. Wishing you all a Happy New Year.

Project Christmas

I have made Christmas into a little project for my self. It seems I like projects and it distracts me from my mood. I got all my Christmas shopping done before December with a click of a mouse. So much cheaper to ship since everything I give is shipped to someone. Most places even have free shipping to Canada this time of year also. I use American web sights for the Americans on my list. I think it took me a hour  to shop for 6 people. I also bought me some gifts as well. The one for you one for me thing.

I finally got my tree done and cards all sent out. Actually even put up more decorations. I haven't decorated in 3 years. Did most of my grocery shopping for Christmas yesterday. Since it is just me and J on Christmas. I asked J what reminded her of x-mas . I thought myself and bought stuff that I could fix that where in both our traditions . J is second generation Brit. I don't feel like a Christmas pudding but bought a easy mix for it. I also don't bake. Problem solved order cookies from the bakery. I'm not going to slave over shortbread type cookies. I did say although I would be willing to try to make rum balls. I like cooking but loath baking or candy making. My favorite thing about the holidays is snacking. I don't much care for turkey. So I bought J a thigh and a drumstick to get her turkey fix. That is what she likes. I like ham. Bought a easy to fix spiral ham for sandwiches and other meals. Easy to freeze also when sick of all the ham, i like making salads, and trays of cheeses , dips, snacks, seafood. Anything pickled also. It is my time of gluttony when it comes to food. I will pay the price and end up on a diet in Jan and a membership to the gym. To me though it is worth it. I only do this once a year.

Project Christmas also makes me really clean the house. I like that it does because my mood is shit in November and December. It also makes me pamper myself. Which I really don't do. I cashed in all my points from the drug mart and bought me perfume. I got a 85 dollar of perfume for free. I received 105 dollars credit. I put the rest towards another 65 dollar bottle of perfume. So I got myself cheap perfume which would of been a burden otherwise. I also treated my stress out and in pain self to a two hour massage. I generally only get a hour massage that really focuses on on my shoulders. .Two hours and I got places poked and rubbed that I never knew hurt. I have been in a better mood every since. I'm still a little sore though from the rub but it is a good sore as it really released a lot of tension and the break up of scar tissue.

It made me ignore the fact the microwave went out and the call to the plumber to get the air out of our water system after the water froze. It also made me ignore that the tv is on it's last leg. I heard myself say oh well it's life. Went out and bought a new microwave and tv. It kind of made me sad that I had to dig into some money that shouldn't be touched. But was happy I could replace it. I'm not going to let anything bum me until after the holidays and hopefully I will make myself tackle another project as it seems to keep me from my negative neurotic self.

Pink

I was wondering what I was doing last year in December so I checked out my blog. We where remodeling our house. Spent 15 days here last December it was a horrible motel. Take a look. Pink walls will all kinds of sports junk on the walls. I have to say this year is much tamer even if I'm not feeling it.

I really didn't do anything for Christmas last year except unpack the house and get it in order. We had our bathroom gutted and kitchen remodeled . Funny thing the house is a mess right now. I can count on my house being a mess every winter as my mood is crap. I have been gradually cleaning it up again. The snow does help my mood as it makes it brighter. We have been getting snow gradually and for that I'm fortunate.

I haven't been to the store in a week. The last time I went I about threw up. I don't cry so when I get overwhelmed with anxiety I gag and throw up. I feel this is a much better week to go shopping and hopefully I wont get overwhelmed with all the people and forget half of the stuff I went shopping for. I hate wasting gas since I don't live in town . The weather also varies much from where I live to town also. But I have been making smaller trips to avoid the crowds and overwhelming anxiety.

Can't wait to get more snow so I can do some cross country skiing. My ski's are very dusty. I haven't used them in I think 2 winters.

On the last note my cat has been driving me insane. I switched her food to a grain free wet food and she hates it. She meows and tries to break things all the time. She is gradually accepting it. I hope she accepts it before my nerves are shot from all the meowing and getting into things.  

December

It has been awhile since I have wrote. My mood has been all over the place and I guess I'm mixed. Between mania and depression. Mix in feelings of grief. I had to put my dog of 13 years asleep a couple of weeks ago right after our trip my my in-laws in Cambridge. He got real sick in Cambridge and when we brought him home we had him put down.
  I have been drinking more than I usually do also. Probably because my anxiety is off the charts this time of year. I have managed to do all the x-mas shopping and just started decorating. Like any of it matters much. I'm just not in a great mood  and it sure colours everything else going on .

Money

My mood has been about the same depressed. I stopped the light for about a week because it was making me have more anxiety and I seemed my agitated. I will start it back up but probably with a lower amount of time .Nothing worse for me than to be antsy , unfocused, and depressed

I have just been comfortable doing not much of anything. I really have to push myself to get anything done. I fall back with my escapism of the tv and the computer. It is almost a comfortable numb feeling. I also notice I have a very big appetite. It is awful where usually I can control my hunger. I don't even know if this is hunger or eating out of boredom or it taste good. I tend to have a big appetite depressed especially for carbs. I end up like the good year blimp in the winter. Then take it off all year long and put it back on again. I really need to stop this cycle. It has been going on since I have been living in Canada.

I haven't realized how stressed I have been. My eye twitches all the time anymore. It is so annoying. Mostly the stress has been money issues again. Every month , I'm shocked we have made it through the month. It feels like juggling torches and hoping one doesn't set me on fire. It will get better when we can cash in one of our investments when it matures this winter. That solves it a little but I have been trying to change our spending habits. I have cut and cut and cancelled things that we don't really need. I also been cutting food expenses. I have been cutting this for ages. Finding this blog helps really reduce the money I spend on meat. http://frugaleatingintoronto.blogspot.ca/  A very healthy eating blog. I haven't been excited about a food blog in awhile. This is a great frugal healthy blog. Generally if you get a frugal food blog it isn't healthy.

I have been poor at times in my life and always hated it but it really taught me to stretch a penny when you thought it wouldn't stretch anymore and would scream. My problem with that is I hate living like that and to be honest I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to spend when I want something. The bad thing is I can always justify it. It has to stop and every month I don't put my foot down on the spending we both do. This year sometime , I took over the fiances because it was to stressful for J. Assuming, I was better at creative budgeting.  It just makes my eye twitch. Some months are better than others depending on what new thing breaks down or situation comes up. It boils down really to the point whether or not I can say NO. See most broke or poor people realize when you have no money you don't come up with money to pay for it you just do without. J never has been broke. So it is hard for me to say NO. So, I borrow more money from a relative. Or J borrows from her parents. They get paid back when we get paid. J's parents get paid back when the investment reaches maturity. We have money but it is tied up. I could of died last month borrowing from my mother. She didn't like it either. I paid it back in two weeks. I haven't borrowed money from anyone in years.

All, this money stuff has me stressed to the max and also does my relationship but that is another story. It will work it's self out as it always does.

Boxes

Here is a little background so you can understand this post.I went to storage yesterday to deal with my storage of all my stuff from the states. I had it all shipped in 2009. I have picked at it a little here and there but never have dealt with it. For me to deal with it means the lost of my own home and my things. I left all my furniture in the states as we already had furniture. J house is full. To full for my things so I will just keep what matters to me and get rid of the rest.

I have been with J for 10 years and married 8. We had two homes one in the states which was mine . Hers in Canada. We went back and forth for years. Until 2009. I moved completely. It cost to much money to keep two homes every few months.

Anyway, it makes me sad to get rid of the majority of my stuff and also resentful because J hasn't gotten rid of hardly nothing that matters except the junk I delcuttered this year. That needed to go. It has brought up feelings how J hasn't had to give up much with my move and how it really has benefited J more than anyone.

I still after all these years really haven't made friends or have made much of a life for myself. I still miss the states at times but have settled OK in my isolation. It doesn't much help that I don't much care for the people in this town and wished I was in a bigger city but that isn't going to happen. I also have a hell of a time making friends.

I did decide this year I would get out and ski more which is more social.