Project Christmas

I have made Christmas into a little project for my self. It seems I like projects and it distracts me from my mood. I got all my Christmas shopping done before December with a click of a mouse. So much cheaper to ship since everything I give is shipped to someone. Most places even have free shipping to Canada this time of year also. I use American web sights for the Americans on my list. I think it took me a hour  to shop for 6 people. I also bought me some gifts as well. The one for you one for me thing.

I finally got my tree done and cards all sent out. Actually even put up more decorations. I haven't decorated in 3 years. Did most of my grocery shopping for Christmas yesterday. Since it is just me and J on Christmas. I asked J what reminded her of x-mas . I thought myself and bought stuff that I could fix that where in both our traditions . J is second generation Brit. I don't feel like a Christmas pudding but bought a easy mix for it. I also don't bake. Problem solved order cookies from the bakery. I'm not going to slave over shortbread type cookies. I did say although I would be willing to try to make rum balls. I like cooking but loath baking or candy making. My favorite thing about the holidays is snacking. I don't much care for turkey. So I bought J a thigh and a drumstick to get her turkey fix. That is what she likes. I like ham. Bought a easy to fix spiral ham for sandwiches and other meals. Easy to freeze also when sick of all the ham, i like making salads, and trays of cheeses , dips, snacks, seafood. Anything pickled also. It is my time of gluttony when it comes to food. I will pay the price and end up on a diet in Jan and a membership to the gym. To me though it is worth it. I only do this once a year.

Project Christmas also makes me really clean the house. I like that it does because my mood is shit in November and December. It also makes me pamper myself. Which I really don't do. I cashed in all my points from the drug mart and bought me perfume. I got a 85 dollar of perfume for free. I received 105 dollars credit. I put the rest towards another 65 dollar bottle of perfume. So I got myself cheap perfume which would of been a burden otherwise. I also treated my stress out and in pain self to a two hour massage. I generally only get a hour massage that really focuses on on my shoulders. .Two hours and I got places poked and rubbed that I never knew hurt. I have been in a better mood every since. I'm still a little sore though from the rub but it is a good sore as it really released a lot of tension and the break up of scar tissue.

It made me ignore the fact the microwave went out and the call to the plumber to get the air out of our water system after the water froze. It also made me ignore that the tv is on it's last leg. I heard myself say oh well it's life. Went out and bought a new microwave and tv. It kind of made me sad that I had to dig into some money that shouldn't be touched. But was happy I could replace it. I'm not going to let anything bum me until after the holidays and hopefully I will make myself tackle another project as it seems to keep me from my negative neurotic self.

Pink

I was wondering what I was doing last year in December so I checked out my blog. We where remodeling our house. Spent 15 days here last December it was a horrible motel. Take a look. Pink walls will all kinds of sports junk on the walls. I have to say this year is much tamer even if I'm not feeling it.

I really didn't do anything for Christmas last year except unpack the house and get it in order. We had our bathroom gutted and kitchen remodeled . Funny thing the house is a mess right now. I can count on my house being a mess every winter as my mood is crap. I have been gradually cleaning it up again. The snow does help my mood as it makes it brighter. We have been getting snow gradually and for that I'm fortunate.

I haven't been to the store in a week. The last time I went I about threw up. I don't cry so when I get overwhelmed with anxiety I gag and throw up. I feel this is a much better week to go shopping and hopefully I wont get overwhelmed with all the people and forget half of the stuff I went shopping for. I hate wasting gas since I don't live in town . The weather also varies much from where I live to town also. But I have been making smaller trips to avoid the crowds and overwhelming anxiety.

Can't wait to get more snow so I can do some cross country skiing. My ski's are very dusty. I haven't used them in I think 2 winters.

On the last note my cat has been driving me insane. I switched her food to a grain free wet food and she hates it. She meows and tries to break things all the time. She is gradually accepting it. I hope she accepts it before my nerves are shot from all the meowing and getting into things.  

December

It has been awhile since I have wrote. My mood has been all over the place and I guess I'm mixed. Between mania and depression. Mix in feelings of grief. I had to put my dog of 13 years asleep a couple of weeks ago right after our trip my my in-laws in Cambridge. He got real sick in Cambridge and when we brought him home we had him put down.
  I have been drinking more than I usually do also. Probably because my anxiety is off the charts this time of year. I have managed to do all the x-mas shopping and just started decorating. Like any of it matters much. I'm just not in a great mood  and it sure colours everything else going on .

Money

My mood has been about the same depressed. I stopped the light for about a week because it was making me have more anxiety and I seemed my agitated. I will start it back up but probably with a lower amount of time .Nothing worse for me than to be antsy , unfocused, and depressed

I have just been comfortable doing not much of anything. I really have to push myself to get anything done. I fall back with my escapism of the tv and the computer. It is almost a comfortable numb feeling. I also notice I have a very big appetite. It is awful where usually I can control my hunger. I don't even know if this is hunger or eating out of boredom or it taste good. I tend to have a big appetite depressed especially for carbs. I end up like the good year blimp in the winter. Then take it off all year long and put it back on again. I really need to stop this cycle. It has been going on since I have been living in Canada.

I haven't realized how stressed I have been. My eye twitches all the time anymore. It is so annoying. Mostly the stress has been money issues again. Every month , I'm shocked we have made it through the month. It feels like juggling torches and hoping one doesn't set me on fire. It will get better when we can cash in one of our investments when it matures this winter. That solves it a little but I have been trying to change our spending habits. I have cut and cut and cancelled things that we don't really need. I also been cutting food expenses. I have been cutting this for ages. Finding this blog helps really reduce the money I spend on meat. http://frugaleatingintoronto.blogspot.ca/  A very healthy eating blog. I haven't been excited about a food blog in awhile. This is a great frugal healthy blog. Generally if you get a frugal food blog it isn't healthy.

I have been poor at times in my life and always hated it but it really taught me to stretch a penny when you thought it wouldn't stretch anymore and would scream. My problem with that is I hate living like that and to be honest I like to do what I want to do when I want to do it. I want to spend when I want something. The bad thing is I can always justify it. It has to stop and every month I don't put my foot down on the spending we both do. This year sometime , I took over the fiances because it was to stressful for J. Assuming, I was better at creative budgeting.  It just makes my eye twitch. Some months are better than others depending on what new thing breaks down or situation comes up. It boils down really to the point whether or not I can say NO. See most broke or poor people realize when you have no money you don't come up with money to pay for it you just do without. J never has been broke. So it is hard for me to say NO. So, I borrow more money from a relative. Or J borrows from her parents. They get paid back when we get paid. J's parents get paid back when the investment reaches maturity. We have money but it is tied up. I could of died last month borrowing from my mother. She didn't like it either. I paid it back in two weeks. I haven't borrowed money from anyone in years.

All, this money stuff has me stressed to the max and also does my relationship but that is another story. It will work it's self out as it always does.

Boxes

Here is a little background so you can understand this post.I went to storage yesterday to deal with my storage of all my stuff from the states. I had it all shipped in 2009. I have picked at it a little here and there but never have dealt with it. For me to deal with it means the lost of my own home and my things. I left all my furniture in the states as we already had furniture. J house is full. To full for my things so I will just keep what matters to me and get rid of the rest.

I have been with J for 10 years and married 8. We had two homes one in the states which was mine . Hers in Canada. We went back and forth for years. Until 2009. I moved completely. It cost to much money to keep two homes every few months.

Anyway, it makes me sad to get rid of the majority of my stuff and also resentful because J hasn't gotten rid of hardly nothing that matters except the junk I delcuttered this year. That needed to go. It has brought up feelings how J hasn't had to give up much with my move and how it really has benefited J more than anyone.

I still after all these years really haven't made friends or have made much of a life for myself. I still miss the states at times but have settled OK in my isolation. It doesn't much help that I don't much care for the people in this town and wished I was in a bigger city but that isn't going to happen. I also have a hell of a time making friends.

I did decide this year I would get out and ski more which is more social.

Prepare

I broke down yesterday and did some extensive housework. Strike just hurts me just like others have commented. I did though get J to put together the spin bike. I had all the parts put out. I was also in one of those don't screw with me moods. I'm going to give the treadmill a week to be put together now. Exercise is hard in the winter with several feet of snow on the ground and I really need to be ready for winter.

I bought cross country skies several years back but haven't used them for the past two winters. My goal is to use them this year and take lessons to improve. I need to get out more and when I did ski I had a good winter. I have to stay active or I just fall into a big giant hole.

I have to set goals that are fun or I just don't do anything. I set this goal to get my house in tip top shape for the Grey Cup which is Canadian Football thing like the Super Bowl. The thing is I don't even like football but I like game food and a good party. I used to find an obscure holiday or anything to celebrate and decorate for and it seemed to keep me more mentally alert.

I have been in some sort of funk for the past two years and I have noticed that I just survive and I really want to do more than that. I like to have fun and do things. I really would like to stay active this winter and to enjoy it with all the neat outdoor activies. Just even planning for winter gets me excited. I'm going to go over to storage today and pick up some things for winter and my grey cup thing. We have a planned power outage so going shopping over at storage is great and kills time. It feels like shopping at a rummage shop and discovering all sorts of things I haven't seen in a couple of years.

Venting

Not long ago we went to see the elderly in-laws. Like always they are ailing and say they are fine and for us to butt out of it. It was a four day visit. We had a late Canadian thanksgiving with them.
That was nice because J's brother came and his wife.

That visit racks my nerves and it is hard for me to get back to normal after that trip. It also is very costly and makes for a short month where I had to borrow money from my mother to get to the end of the month.

My stress level has been climbing and so is my depression. I forgot my lamp so I was 4 days without it. Climbing back to my depression. I have been home for going on a week now and have been using it and it is again kicking me out of my depression and getting me back to living again.

The house looked like a bomb went off and I have been tackling that. Part of that was because I went on strike. To find out it didn't matter whether I went on strike it was all there for me to clean by myself. I can't go on strike any more because it just hurts me.

I have been wanting some projects around the house done for awhile and they never got done so after the exercise bike and treadmill has set there for a year . I'm going to try to tackle it myself . I got all the parts lined up this morning for the bike. Hopefully it will be done by tomorrow. I hate putting things together as I haven't done it very often but enough is enough and I need these machines since it is like monsoon season here with it raining most days for the past two months.

I'm feeling a little better but to feel much better I need to get the house in order how I want it because I can't live in chaos. Little things like J putting 4 tackle boxes in the living room just disturb me and when I ask for them to be picked up it is always an excuse . I just picked them up the other day.