Grey

I don't know where to start. I haven't blogged for awhile so I thought I would post. I'm burnt out with blogging. I have been thinking a little about giving it up and going another direction with it. Who knows. I have been having writer's block also. Plus a lot of bad attitude about who in the hell cares anyway because i sure don't. My attitude isn't good at the moment and I'm not all that positive lately. Life is so-so though. I'm still trying to dig my way out of my pit of depression. That is odd in it's self because I generally starr feeling better this time of year. I don't know what is up with that. I have been cranky and irritable so maybe I'm coming back alive.

I feel like I need to go back to my SAD lamp. It has the problem of making me a little to lively or mixed but it would help push the mood a little in the right direction so i will probably start today. I need some motivation and that would help tremendously with the who cares attitude. I need to give a shit but don't. I just wait till my mood gets better and it will but don't have time to have it get better. I might be waiting to long. I don't feel like hibernating anymore but don't have the motivation to get out of my cozy cave. I'm though going to a theatrical production tonight . It is a move in the right direction. I'm just afraid it will over stimulate me. I don't need to be overstimulated either .
Everything is a delicate balance. I also long for some inspiration or passion it just makes life a little easier.

Comfortable Numb

I thought I would post to say I'm still kicking. I have been pretty subdued and depressed. I have been holed up in isolation for awhile in the dismal winter days. Lately, it has been getting more winter like and I'm coming alive again.

I have been watching box sets of TV series. True Blood and Nurse Jackie. My new set is Downtown Abbey. So far haven't been saving much money buying multiply series but it is cheaper than some of my indulges. My mind is about numb as it can be watching hours of this crap. I really need to get out and get fresh air.

The depression is that kind that is comfortable. Wrapped up in a cocoon type. It is going to take some undertaking to get out of my funk because it doesn't feel all that bad. It is safe. It is like a drug that numbs and deflects reality. I'm in my own little world devoided of everything. It sucks me in a little more everyday.

I'm becoming more cynical and don't care about much at the moment. That in it self is freeing. Society just gets the big middle finger at the moment. I also really don't care what anyone thinks at the moment about me . It is actually freeing of the chains of what I'm suppose to do. Because I don't do anything lately that I think I SHOULD do. Or what anyone wants me to do.

GRRRRRRRRRR

It has been a wacky time since I have last posted. I feel like I have been in a black hole of some sort. The days have been dragging into crap day after day and have been a l ittle numbing. J still has her medical stuff going on. It has been horrible trying to find a right dose or medication to control J's blood pressure. We haven't went out much because I don't drive and J is so dizzy, tired and just feels real flu like. I have been out like once in 9 days and I'm getting cabin fever pretty bad. Plus, I just have a ton of stuff to do. I just shake my head at what to do since I live pretty far from town and can't get to it. I tell J it is totally unacceptable that the med makes J not be able to drive. J doesn't listen to me but the nurse. The nurse pisses me off because the med has not done much except make J lazier than J was before and very tired, dizzy etc. It also doesn't do much in controlling the blood pressure. It is all over the place and never stable. J is also suppose to go on a diet and lose a ton of weight. I see that is impossible if J can't get J's ass off the couch. I really don't have a weight problem like J. I have had to research diabetic diets and portions. Which I will stop doing because it is J's responsibility. I cook three times a day now and it isn't something I really like to do. Once a day is more my thing.(dinner) Fend for yourself the rest of the day kind of thing. I told J that J is responsible for the snacks that J is suppose to have. I really do have enough on my plate without J being a helpless zombie. I don't really know what to do about it. I really am getting frustrated by not being able to do what I need to do. (lack of transportation)

The biggest thing is J seems not to care. It was bad before all this about J's health came out but it really has got to the point J does literally nothing except seat on the couch all day and watch tv for hours. I'm about ready to explode on J. I'm also sick of babysitting a 60 year old. I have learned one thing the more I do the more shit gets dumped on me. Point is the fiances. I had that totally dumped on my lap this month. The other day I was asked what is the various accounts doing. I sort of looked at J like what are you talking about . J can check any of those anytime with the computer. I said I don't know why don't you look yourself. Then I was informed I thought you where handling the money. That was news to me. I guess J has jumped off a sinking ship . Are finances have been sort of a mess since all the remodeling. I get to figure out how to fix all this shit. Which I will with my creative budgeting. It is like pulling a rabbit out of my ass. I will make it work by really cutting something. What i don't know. I'm barely above water and treading water. We have a appointment which has been changed two times with a financial advisor at the bank. One time the bank. One time me. I just didn't feel like getting a lecture yesterday. Also, all the blah , blah ,blah you have money but you don't shit. It is frustrating when you have most of your money locked into something and will have to take a penalty but then get a lecture about how you going to pay this and this back and you say oh that locked in thing that is maturing and get another lecture you cant do that because it will still be a penalty. Also, the thing about can you think about how long you can possible live and will that money help you into your golden years bs. I have no idea how many years I'm going to live or J is going to live but I know quote planning on the wonderful golden years is speech is driving us nuts because we are in debt up to our eyeballs and are worth more money wise dead. Which we really don't care to give anyone our money when we die. We need it now to make life not so hectic and stressful.

On a better note I finally got my treadmill in at the store and just need it to be delivered. Someone will deliver it Friday or Saturday. I have a ton to clear out to give it a home. I have been procrastinating on that one and plan on working my butt off the next couple of days to make room for it. I really can't wait to run and walk on it. I really need a better stress release. It has been very cold her lately and finally has started snowing like it should. I will be toasty warm inside now. If i ever get the motivation to put the thing together. If I don't I will hire someone to do it so it doesn't sit in a box for months. I'm not a very handy person when it comes to putting things together. I'm basically two thumbs. I do better at electronics or anything else when it comes to the home. I rather lift that treadmill than put it together. I could have J to do it but J won't get off J's ass to do anything.

I need to learn how to detach real soon again because I'm pretty pissed off.

Crazy Time Of Month

Lately, I have been dealing with life like a crazy lady. It has been so up and down and all over the place. Then I realized it is that time of month. I don't handle anything real well at all and if I have a lot of stress already before I start my period I become that mad insane crazy lady. It isn't normal PMS. It just made me feel good to realize where all that confusion, anxiety, insecurity and being neurotic came from out of the blue when I thought I was just feeling better.
It has been a tough week. J was hospitalized for high blood pressure. 239/129 or something like that. just remember the top number real well. The hospital didn't do shit. Really didn't stabilize it either. Hours went by and J came home with another pill in J's bag of pills. Still isn't stabilizing out either. I guess another trip up to ER is what J is going to have to do. J was informed also that her doctor is sick(dying) and won't be practicing anymore. Which is hard in a place where it is very hard to find a doc making stupid expensive ER visits more likely. J was also dx. Diabetic. I blame J's anti-psychotics for that one. J never was overweight in J's life. J is obese in the past 5 years and just keeps packing it on. Those things can be more toxic than what it cures. That is my opinion anyway. I know I used to take the same thing and had high cholesterol and high blood sugar etc. I don't take that poison anymore and I'm much more healthy physically. Once in awhile when I'm actually manic I will take some haldol. That is just to short leash my ass to society's norms. (not get locked up) When I took them everyday I had no metabolism. If I'm overweight now it is my fault but the thing is I can diet and take it off. I don't feel much like a zombie either. Each to their own though. I know it helps some people . Off my soap box about anti-psychotics. The thing about health is if you don't advocate your own health no one is going to. Tons of inadequate medicine out there. Especially, if your mentally ill or have that label. I don't have that label in Canada and get way better health care not having that label. I have never told anyone of my label in this country.J has the label and gets shit health care and not took very serious. Every since I don't tell people that label they treat me different and take care of my concerns. I get around this by having private health care. I'm not in the bureaucracy of the system. I'm tired of any system as they all have major flaws in them.

I managed to also smash and break my left index finger so typing is slow and hard. I was moving boxes to the truck and the dog tried to get out and shut my or should say slammed my finger in the door. Not to happy as I have a ton of stuff to do.

On a better note, I found another organic farm for food. I bought 7 different variety of sausages. Two roasting chickens and some chops ,eggs. Managed to get lost finding the farm but getting lost found another farm that sold lamb. I ordered a whole lamb and will probably get it in 3 weeks. 2 weeks it goes to butcher. I will be looking up a ton of recipes for lamb. Haven't cooked it much but really like it.

Well, off to do something productive maybe.

Blah Blah... Ramble

I'm seating here in the early morning by myself. It is wonderful except , the satellite radio cutting up. I finally turned it off for the regular radio that gets one station. J can't hear the radio in the room I'm in so she sleeps without me being disruptive . I don't know what to call the room I'm in except it has a J's computer, thousands of books and crap loads of junk. It reminds me I'm going to have to get on the ball to figure out where to put J's drum set so I can make room for a treadmill. Very weird room indeed.

Yesterday, was J's 60Th birthday. J was in a horrible mood for most of the day. I asked why and never got an explanation except don't I understand moods . I do but I also know when in a mood their are things that actually bug you whether logical or not. I left it alone for the rest of the day . I eventually said I have tried everything to make a nice day for you and your being a bitch. I'm tired of it . Being surrounded by negativity all day just made me tired and a bit bitchy myself. I made a nice dinner and around this time j was coming around but I was by this time irritable. I made ribs, scalloped potatoes and zucchini. Nice but simple. We shot fireworks off around 6-7sh as it was pitch black and neither one of us was going to stay up till 12. We both had a laugh that it hurt our back to bend down and light all of them and it tired us out. We had a lot of left over fireworks from July 1st and July 4th. We sort of celebrate both countries holidays when it suits us or we are in the mood. We both weren't in the mood last year. We where still dealing with the death of my Father and Grandmother that happened the previous month days apart from each other. I do have to say time does help as I'm not as raw with the grief. It isn't as tremendous anymore and I do get a good laugh more often thinking about the two. I still get teary when I seen some things over the holidays such as the horrible x-mas specials . My father loved all x-mas specials . No matter how cornball or terribly made. Overall, I don't live in overwhelming grief anymore and really feel my life is back to normal as much is it ever can be. It probably helps a lot that during the time from June to current my mother calls almost everyday. Not for me but for her. By helping my mother with her grief it got me through mine. My mother is just starting to live her life again. She recently in the past month got an exchange student to live with her. it keeps her on her toes as the exchange student is a teen-ager. She also went to visit my brother out in Portland Oregon during the holidays. She never has visited him there. She isn't a big fan as she says it rains all the time and doesn't have much sunlight like the Midwest. My daughter also went with my mother to visit. I was a little jealous that they didn't come and visit me for two weeks. I got over it as they came and visited last year. I probably be tearing my hair out also as both of them stress me badly in person. I'm much better on the phone. I can always hang up and just go on about life after a phone call. Plus, I will probably see them this year anyway. I just have to laugh in a cynical way that when they went to visit my brother he was flat broke and has had my mother pick up everything. I shake my head as I could never invite someone to visit me and have them pick up the tab for everything. Also, being flat broke and wanting things that are pricey to cook and go out to eat. I really think the nerve of some people. My mother doesn't have to spend a dime when she visits .

I really don't know what point I'm trying to make. It just sort of rambles into many topics. I look forward to start the day. I will make some sort of turkey dinner with thighs and eat my black eye peas this year. I generally do but haven't in 2 years and I haven't had good luck those years I didn't eat them. I'm pretty sure I would of had bad years those years anyway:) I have a ton of organizing and cleaning to do. The house is still chaotic with plaster dust and boxes. I'm sorting through them but slowly since I have had the flu. I'm also slowly purging stuff. Did I ever mention I hate the color the bathroom is? I hate the colour. We picked a darker green and the green we got was a yellowish green. Or as we referee to it as baby shit green. It is a very hard green to match things up with. I did end up finding a shower curtain in this one horse town. I was surprised. We where just going to buy any shower curtain until we go to the city. The nearest bigger city is 90 miles away. I found a shower curtain that actually matches well as it has bamboo plants on it. Shocked me. I went with tooth brush holders and soap holders in a brushed nickle. As, all the fixtures are brushed nickle. Took me about 5 minutes to pick out. I was shocked about how simple it was and I didn't have to rack my brain to find what is hard to match. I still don't have a mirror or medicine cabinet in the bathroom. The contractor was suppose to put the old one back and it managed to end up in the dumpster. It is real hard to fix my hair. I blow dry it some and then slip into the bedroom to look in a smallish mirror that looks like a porthole on a ship to check if my hair is not sticking up all over the place. This week we will just get a mirror to hang in that place. My hair is so overgrown and needs cut so bad anyway. The lack of a mirror makes my hair look like a horror show. I have went months without a haircut since the last haircut was a butcher job. I still refuse to spend what I was spending on my hair so I suspect I will get another butcher job. I have been through so many hair dressers and even barbers in this town. I'm running out. Either I hate the way they cut my hair or I don't like their personality. I love the personality of the last person that butchered my hair but I just can't go through another butchering. I'm real picky/ neurotic about my hair in my own way. Basically , I like it real neat and soft. I also like it to only take a couple of minutes to fix. One time I shaved my head when I was going through a psychotic episode and discovered how much time I wasted on long hair and never have went back to long hair. I love wash and wear with a little blow drying now. Neither do I want to be bald. That was pretty terrible and I looked extremely odd at the time. I was just thankful it was wintrier so I could always wear a hat of some sort. Just thinking about how badly I was doing at the time makes me cringe. Knock on wood I haven't been to that state in years now. I always know no matter what I do I could end up there again someday as it comes out of the blue for me. I'm just in a safer place now and keep to myself so less likely to be thrown in the hospital which always made it worse for me. It also seems not being heavily medicated helps with not getting to that point also.

Again, rambling, I will end now and not subject you to more crap out of my brain.

Running into the New Year

I'm sitting here with my SAD lamp on. It works pretty well and pretty fast when I'm struggling with depression. I have to cut back the times on the lamp or it makes me hyper. I really don't need to be hyper. My energy levels have been so low since I have had the flu and other aggravations.

I'm slowly very slowly sorting out the house. I haven't done much as I have been sick. I have had a time of getting my new treadmill that I ordered back in October also. They lead me on for two months then said it was never going to be available. Took the money before shipping or anything else and told me I would have to wait 30 days to get it back. Well, this didn't sit well with me and nicely and assertive I told them they would give me something similar as to the one I ordered since at the time I ordered everything was on sale and now what I want or anything similar wasn't on sale. I was very angry. I looked at the bank account today and the money was back. I called Sears again made them give me a similar product for what I purchased the other one for. I'm happy now. It was driving me nuts when none of it was going right. I have always wanted a treadmill. I really would love to start walking and jogging no matter what the weather is and I think I will actually stick to it every day until it gets a little warmer to do it outdoors. I'm not a big fan of winter running. I also need the stress relief of walking or running when I'm consumed with anxiety. It works faster than a pill.

I'm really looking forward to next year and it can't get here fast enough. I really feel like it is going to be a better year as it is starting to look up already. The chaos of this house will be here for awhile but it now seems not so overwhelming for today. I'm hoping to get something done no matter how little it is.

Rambles of the past month

Life is getting back to some sort of normal for me. It has been a long month with many changes. I haven't really felt like blogging. Why I really don't know. We have had our bathroom gutted and a lot of kitchen torn out also. It was suppose to take a week and ended up taking 17 days. 15 of those days we had to live in a shitty motel room. We managed to encounter many problems that we didn't know that existed with this house and ran way over budget fixing things like electrical and serious plumbing. It was like one of those nightmare remodel shows that they show you what someone else tried to screw you on and encounter big problems trying to fix it. Anyway, I managed to get real depressed during this time with mounds of anxiety. I think part of the reason was eating a horrible diet full of processed fast food and frozen or canned crap at the motel. At the end I found a electric skillet and a mini crock pot and ended up fixing way healthier options and could feel the difference in energy and over all feeling a little better.

It still wasn't home and we had to walk and take out two very unruly dogs and hope we didn't let the cat who was pissed off out the motel room door also in every kind of weather you can think of. One day snow storms next day sleet, then after that tons of rain. Not a very happy camper when I was suppose to smoke out side with this shit also. After a couple of days probably four I had it . I was a raging bitch for my nicotine. I broke down and started to smoke in the comforts of the room. I probably would of thought different if it was a decent place with decent people owning it. We didn't get our room cleaned in the 15 days we where there. I ended up cleaning it better than when we rented it. That dive was the cheapest in the area to rent at about 70 a day with animals which ended up costing about a thousand for 15 days. The place truly was out of the twilight zone and the people where super weird. It made me feel pretty damn sane. That is really something when a lot of people consider me eccentric and a little off

The old dog seemed to like it and loves the cold weather now. Seems to have went into a sort of remission. I'm very confused why he is still alive and doing OK for now. That can turn tomorrow. I'm just thankful he made it through x-mas and probably to the new year. It buys a little time which I need. Life has been seriously chaotic and I don't need that right now. Still having to wake up in the middle of the night to let him out. J has done it the majority of a year now taking him out in the middle of the night. Not to bad if you can just send him out and go back to sleep when he is done. But a real pain having to put on all your winter clothes and boots chain him and walk around for 10 minutes so he can find the perfect spot. He is real picky about his bathroom habits and makes you want to rage at the poor animal when your freezing your ass off in the pitch dark.
He knows when we get at the end of our ropes with him and then hurried up. Thank god we are home now and it is as easy as just opening up the door for him so he can take his sweet loving time.

My shoulders and back acted up pretty badly from all the moving I was doing getting everything out of the kitchen and bathroom and just general stuff I purged from the house since we had a huge dumpster. Ended up firing my old massage therapist because she basically worked when she wanted to and was just a serious flake. Ended up with a better assessment of my shoulder and back. It seems which I knew a little already was my accident that broke a collar bone was acting up. The scar tissue seems to be pulling everything to my right side making my left shoulder hurt. Some how my back muscles are twisted also. Never really figured out what I do to cause that but it hurts. I wasn't able to lift my arms over my head. I had two massages and it seems to release probably the rotar cuff and what ever tight muscle. She was talking muscles and everything else showing it to me on a chart and it was all Greek to me. But I really did appreciate trying to explain things to me and taking me more serious and just not taking my money and doing a half ass job. She was a real positive person and it really made a difference getting the massage also and not having to listen to negative politics that I don't agree with like the other one did. I like relaxing and not talking. It showed me how my needs where not being took into consideration by the other one. It is hard for me to be objective about dysfunctional people or even see I'm around them because I tolerate a lot of stuff from people. It wasn't until I got angry I changed. Have wanted to for along time and even stopped going to massage. I also thought it was wonderful she suggested basic yoga to stretch all the muscles that hurt me as away of helping and managing the muscle pain. Also showed me stretches for the shoulders that hurt but it hurts worse not to do them. I'm sure exercise will help with my mood as it always has in the past. I was way more active this summer and seen how inactive I have became already this winter. I will have to change that to survive winter this year.

I have been so sick over the holidays with some sort of flu. I'm pretty sure being ran down and handing a lot of stress it was probably pretty easy to pick up something. I have been just sleeping and eating healthy to make it go away. Some good all in one flu pills help mask the symptoms some. I'm feeling a lot better but still probably have a couple of days to get back to normal. I look forward to this new year and putting the old one behind. I hope to be updating more .