I don't even know where to start since the last time I blogged. So much has gone on in my life since August....
To start off I have been manic for months. It started when I reduced my meds coupled with some extreme stress. I went into a full blown mania. It was really reminisce of a mania I had in my late 20's. This one didn't end so badly as the one in my 20's that latest for years. Even my shady brain barely listening to me started to get nervous. When I'm in a full blown mania , the more chaos the better. I did manage to really stress myself out so much that I just couldn't keep up with all my mayhem while being physically sick. I did make a good go of it though. My body isn't young anymore and the manias are more hellish on me physically now. I do admit I was in a terrible physical state when I became manic. I had no stamina , no energy, etc. That was one of the reasons I reduced my anti-psychotics. It did make me so sluggish physically and was messing with my heart.
Well, what have I been up to some might ask. Well, everything that comes with mania, with me. One of the big ones that I totally mess up my life with is something a lot of bipolars avoid talking about and that is hyper sexuality. I started to look at a dating sight in the beginning of September, Messed around with it. Never in a thousand years did I think anyone would find that I was desirable. Well, I was stupid ,naive and in some sort of denial. Many people thought I was attractive. I didn't want to have an affair in the small area that I live either. Been there done that and it never ends up well when you shit where you eat. When this person started to flirt and inbox me from a place 500 miles away was oh this might work. I always want to see the city she lived by and she also was also French Canadian. I thought that might be interesting . Her dating profile was something I would never consider as we where polar opposites . I thought it would be fun and most of all exciting. She really stroked my ego for a couple of weeks and most of all provided tons of cyber sex before I actually met in person. I ended up not being to pleased when I met her . I discovered she wasn't out of the closet and I ended up questioning whether she was even a lesbian. The personality differences also clashed. I can look over look most things with a booty call but she was so very rude and a princess. My time with her was a rollercoaster ride that made me feel like shit in the end. When I was going back to the bus station , I knew I never was probably going to see her again. She wanted also a relationship and I didn't. I just wanted a mistress . I was upfront from the very beginning .
Let me take a step back as this is very important to this story. The beginning of September I was ill so I started going to my nurse practitioner. She wanted to say I was just very stressed from the very few things I told her about my life . Mostly, about taking care of J. She never spoke to me before and just wanted to give me something for my anxiety and send me to therapy. I declined the benzos and thought about therapy but didn't want to get caught up in the very terrible system for the mentally ill around here. Even the mentally ill isn't in that particular system. I had some other big reasons not to get involved also. I told her I knew what was anxiety and what was physical . I told her I would be more satified if she would actually run test on everything . She treated me like I was neurotic and nothing a nice walk wouldn't cure. I had her order blood work, ecg, mammogram, pap, and probaly some stuff I forgot about. I knew I was sick contrary to her telling me to take a walk. My blood pressure was so off the charts again. I started to have a period for two weeks out of the month. I had discharge coming out of one of my breast. I had to use a chair to do dishes. I was so physically drained all the time. I lost about 40 lbs by that point with just having no appetite and being nauseous all the time. Most days , I would vomit at least once a day. More when I was coming off the pysch pills. Well the first thing that showed up was some abnormal reading I cant remember from my ecg. Then at the same time my mammogram and ultrasound came up they seen something. My busted down body became overwhelming . I decided that with my healthcare I wanted to work at one issue at a time. I had another repeat of my mammogram and ultsound and it came up with the same results of two tumors, lesion and calcification , It didn't look well to them so they scheduled a biopsy .
During this I was having an affair. It helped so much not to think about all the stuff that was going on with me. I used it to numb myself from any of the reality I was facing. It made my life worth facing. It made my life worth living. \My home life really was at a all time low with J. We fought all the time. I was also very pissed and resentful that J wasn't even trying to full fill any of my needs. I have been on my own with my emotional and physical needs for about 2 years. One of those years I have empathy and sympathy for J but not that other year. I was also sick of my non life with J. My life at that point was waiting on J all the time and taking care of all of Js needs. Lots and lots of tv. I became so fed up with not living and being shrouded in all the negativity of this house. Especially, J having a pity party every day. I couldn't take it. It felt that I was slowly dying with J also.
J was so very upset at me with the affair. I didn't really give a shit at the time. I was an asshole in the fact I knew J couldn't do a damn thing to me or even divorce me. J needs me to take care of her. To be honest I would of left on my own awhile ago even before the affair if J wasn't sick and dying. During all the fighting and all the jealousy , mud flinging etc. We finally came to a truce and actually get along a lot better now.
Geez, this is so out of order and probably need to fix it but I will just get this jumbled mess out. I forgot to add the one night stand I had coming home from my affair. I had a stop in Toronto. I couldnt find a connecting bus in hours for the place I live in. So, my phone was about dead . I seen a bar across the street. I went to have a drink and to charge my phone and text J about my dilemma . I just wanted to get a hotel downtown. J wanted me to go to her brothers house. I was to get out of the bar and go to her brothers. I didn't want to . I thought if I drank enough it wouldn't bother me to go to B's . Well by the time I started having tequilla shots with the rest of the bar and partying , I hooked up with someone. It was real surreal to me even as intoxicated as I was. Mostly, because it was a man. I'm not very picky about what sex someone is when I'm hyper sexual. I'm also very into very kinky sex which can be over the top. It is easier to find some sex starved fool at a bar. I can always find someone to play with and do what I want in that setting. My cynical side always said bars where cheaper than a high class hooker. I never understood people who would look for a relationship in a bar setting. Sex yes . Relationship , No. I regress.
I came back home after 4 days from my adventure across the province . I was very tired , very sore, very emotional. I was so active in those 4 days. I used muscles that haven't seen the light in awhile. Tried to party like I was in my 20's. Womanizing takes it's toll also. Sex can be a pretty powerful addiction that I seem to escape into when I'm manic. Especially , when your very obsessed with it. In my mind , a little voice said don't go there! Don't open up that can of worms. My mind would be nagging in the back ground. Then the big part took over. It said what do you have to loose. Have fun while your able to. What is the worse that can happen? Take a gamble. Live life. Because i wasn't living life at all up till my affair. I wasn't even hardly getting out of the house. Life became something I hated waking up to everyday. J was so depended on me and super whiny, clingy. Not the person I have ever knew. I detached myself totally emotionally from J. Started with simple things that I also wouldn't do for J . Started , to make J start gradually taking care of herself even if it was a struggle. Started for the first time since J was sick to make boundaries. I started to take care of what I needed. I needed a break. J had became so consuming . I had none of me left . I only have myself to blame about that. No one knows how to take care of someone that is extremely limited until they have to. Until, my snap, I wasn't dealing with with J's at all except to cater to J's needs and demands . Some even real diva like. I was just so full of grief. Grief also what our relationship became and my life became.
s
Ok... Back on track. Two days later after I come home, I had a multiple biophys on different spots on my right breast. I waited almost 3 weeks until I got the results. I was dx with breast cancer. My tumors where benign but other areas indicated early breast cancer. I'm also to have another biopsy on another area now. So, after about another 2 weeks after the results, I talk to the surgeon again and he wants to remove all my fibrocystic disease and well as investigate another area of my breast. The fibrocystic disease happens to be a lot of breast tissue. I still need to hear back about the exact date of my surgery. It will be sometime this month up until the 6th of next month. I'm more annoyed at the prospect than scared. I find having cancer a total inconvenience. I worry about taking care of J. So after my affair , I started to de stress my life. I couldn't concentrate on that anymore. I needed to free my time up to taking care of business.
I really started to make headway with starting to organize everything in my life. Started to deal with the blow back of my life in ruins. I'm still working on it. I'm scrambling for time. I started to do everything I put on hold even though I was sick. I have been running on pure adrenaline for months. My body just hasn't liked activity at all. I have worked my chronically painful body . I was in such pain with my shoulders, I figured out that I needed to rehab them on my own. To start building up every area of my back,and shoulders. It started out as simple stretching every day several times a day. It was very painful. Then I added weights after my body got used to being stretched every way appropriate. I discovered a 5lb weight when stretching acted as traction for my shoulders. It began to feel good and not painful. With my body not being in so much pain , I started to really start getting our house together. One of my friends challenged me to get J's studio in order. Which over the years became a junk room and not an area where J did art. Well when I started to tackle that and realize I needed to do the whole house along with it. I realized that everything ended up in the studio because I just didn't know what to do with all the junk. The studio would just end up a junk heap in a week if I didn't address the whole house. Well it has been a real challenge and I'm still working on it. Working on it also I have started to make everything handicap friendly. Everything more accessible for myself and J. I have to make everything as simple as possible for me and J. I won't be able to lift for awhile after my surgery. Loads of physical work around here.
I also started to cross country ski. I wanted to start skiing after a few years of doing nothing and to get serious about it. I joined the ski club and managed to get proper technique lessons. It has pushed my out of shape body to the limits. Now all of our snow is gone so I have been waiting for another base again.
Most of all , all this shit has started to pay off with my relationship with J. J doesn't take me for granted as much. I don't take J for granted as much. We have started to become friends again. We have started to use manners again with each other. I have became much more thoughtful with J. I have became less angry. Less bitter about life in general. I even started to believe in myself again. I have seen sides of myself that I haven't seen in years. Good and bad. I started to have confidence in myself . I learned to totally rely on myself for my needs and that I was very capable. It takes me awhile to refigure things out after being kicked in the teeth from life but I do learn. I have been grieving life for about 3-4 years with so many unfair things that have happened. I was so consumed by my anger , I just totally stopped living it. My mania jarred me out of such complacency. It has been a real mess to clean up on so many levels of financially, emotionally etc. It has took me more to even admit how messed up I have been. I have tried to hide from many people. Only let about two people into my very messy life.
This has became a mini novel so if you made it to this point I'm so surprised. I'm even confused by my sequence of writing. If you understand my train of thought , I suggest a very good psychiatrist and a hell of a lot of therapy. My brain still isn't right but I'm working on it. It still is so jumbled . But for right now this is enough.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Thursday, August 14, 2014
A blessing
The oddest thing happened yesterday . It is actually something fantastic. Let me weave you a story. This is more of J's story than my own. As most people know J is very sick and dying slowly. J went to her doctor recently for an interaction with her blood pressure pills.Also , to see if she was trudging along. The doctor knows J fairly well. Asked J for the first time how her mood was. J is bipolar also. J answered terrible . She was severely depressed but didn't want to ask for help with it as she can't take anti-depressants . So NO she didn't want to go to see the psychiatrist. The doctor then asked if she wanted to be referred to see a therapist. She said sure it couldn't hurt even if it didn't help. It went through J's mind that I called her doctor and told him how depressed and despondent she has been. I didn't do anything of the sort. J's mental illness is hers to treat or not treat even if it can be hell. I did tell J that she needed a therapist since she isn't sharing her pain with me or anyone. J has shut everyone out completely.
The doctor said someone would get a hold of her. A couple of days went by and J was irritated no one called yet. We where watching a show in the afternoon. J's phone rang. I asked if she knew the number and she didn't. She turned down the tv so she could hear. I could hear that she was talking to some lady but then I knew who that lady was. It was Js old therapist that moved out of the area . It was A. I thought A was totally out of Js life. J went to A for 5 y ears and then A moved out of the area and J never thought in a million years she would ever see her again. J's mentally health went down the drain when A moved away. She went through a string of half assed therapist that really did nothing to help and the doctors dwindled to most not even coming to this satellite area. We live in a very rural area where mental health is sub-contracted out and we get visiting psychiatrist once a month from Toronto. The therapy was such a mess at the one clinic.They offer it now at that the main doctors offices. They now employ three women that aren't in anyway affiliated with the mental health clinic. The Therapist that called J was back in town and working with the doctors office and she seen J's name and asked if she could take her as a client.We where just floored that A was back in town.
The day before J said if A was here things might be brighter. She never thought in a million years A would be back and that was wishful thinking. Well I'm so relieved that A is back. J has very terrible trust issues and never would get down deep enough with anyone else. I asked J the other day wouldn't it be nice to resolve some of your issues so you would be happier. J answered me , "Why would I want to resolve my issues ?' ' I'm dying'. My issues no longer matter. I just didn't know what to say to J. I just said maybe you might be at peace with yourself as clearly you aren't and are very angry. Maybe, who ever you get will help you with the stages of death and not get stuck in one of those 5 stages. J is stuck in anger. Nothing helps with Js angry mood. I have been at a complete loss on J's mood and needs. I have felt so totally helpless and hopeless when it comes to J's emotional well-being.
A really is an angel. It makes me teary to think that she is back. Happy tears , that J has an outlet for her well-being. Js trust has been broke severely with therapist in this area. Help has eluded J for many years when it comes to decent care both mentally and physically. Even about 7 years ago J went to the states for help with her substance abuse issues as it was hopeless here. I could write a book on what useless fill in the blank . help is here and lack of and you better get your big girls pants out because your on your own in this area. Anyway, A really is a blessing . I never thought blessings happen to us but out of no where and no hope A has came back for the end of J's life as she was there for the first couple of years for Js venture in the mental health area. If it wasn't for A's foundation J would of succumbed to her bipolar years ago.
The doctor said someone would get a hold of her. A couple of days went by and J was irritated no one called yet. We where watching a show in the afternoon. J's phone rang. I asked if she knew the number and she didn't. She turned down the tv so she could hear. I could hear that she was talking to some lady but then I knew who that lady was. It was Js old therapist that moved out of the area . It was A. I thought A was totally out of Js life. J went to A for 5 y ears and then A moved out of the area and J never thought in a million years she would ever see her again. J's mentally health went down the drain when A moved away. She went through a string of half assed therapist that really did nothing to help and the doctors dwindled to most not even coming to this satellite area. We live in a very rural area where mental health is sub-contracted out and we get visiting psychiatrist once a month from Toronto. The therapy was such a mess at the one clinic.They offer it now at that the main doctors offices. They now employ three women that aren't in anyway affiliated with the mental health clinic. The Therapist that called J was back in town and working with the doctors office and she seen J's name and asked if she could take her as a client.We where just floored that A was back in town.
The day before J said if A was here things might be brighter. She never thought in a million years A would be back and that was wishful thinking. Well I'm so relieved that A is back. J has very terrible trust issues and never would get down deep enough with anyone else. I asked J the other day wouldn't it be nice to resolve some of your issues so you would be happier. J answered me , "Why would I want to resolve my issues ?' ' I'm dying'. My issues no longer matter. I just didn't know what to say to J. I just said maybe you might be at peace with yourself as clearly you aren't and are very angry. Maybe, who ever you get will help you with the stages of death and not get stuck in one of those 5 stages. J is stuck in anger. Nothing helps with Js angry mood. I have been at a complete loss on J's mood and needs. I have felt so totally helpless and hopeless when it comes to J's emotional well-being.
A really is an angel. It makes me teary to think that she is back. Happy tears , that J has an outlet for her well-being. Js trust has been broke severely with therapist in this area. Help has eluded J for many years when it comes to decent care both mentally and physically. Even about 7 years ago J went to the states for help with her substance abuse issues as it was hopeless here. I could write a book on what useless fill in the blank . help is here and lack of and you better get your big girls pants out because your on your own in this area. Anyway, A really is a blessing . I never thought blessings happen to us but out of no where and no hope A has came back for the end of J's life as she was there for the first couple of years for Js venture in the mental health area. If it wasn't for A's foundation J would of succumbed to her bipolar years ago.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Mixed up
I'm having a hard time staying current with my blog. I just really don't feel like writing about my feelings or my life. I have been in a mixed state for awhile now. It gets where I'm tired of this mood. The mood won't budge. Time will make it cycle and that is about all I can wish for.
I have been so exhausted . Abnormally exhausted and tired. I went to the nurse practitioner yesterday and I just feel like I'm falling apart physically. I either have a level off with my lights or thyroid etc. She said I was under a lot of stress and that might be it also.I didn't know how to answer it might all be in my head. I actually said it might be but it doesn't change how I feel physically. The nurse practitioner said she will offer me counselling the next time I see her if it is in my head. I said I would take counselling regardless of whether it is in my head or not.
I'm so tired of doing this alone. Meaning I'm tired of my mood , my life, just about everything in my life is sad and lonely. I'm sad all the time. I don't actually know if this is a feeling but I feel resigned. I guess it is healthy but it doesn't feel so good.
I feel alone because no one really wants to talk about death and dying, physical limitations, disability and that is my reality at the moment. No one wants to listen to how I cope or don't cope on a daily bases. Everyone has a life of there own .
My mom is also very sick at the moment also. I told her I was sick to have to hear for an hour how sick she is. I tell J I'm not well and she just freaks out about who is going to do everything for her. I tell my daughter K I'm not doing well and she won't even answer my text because her head is so far up her boyfriends ass.
Mentally or physically sick , life goes on and so does other peoples lives. Things still have to be done. Dishes has to get done also. The other day it was such a chore to do dishes. I literally had to hang on to a chair and sit a couple of times doing dishes. But the nurse practitioner thinks it is possibly in my head. The same nurse practitioner that said it was all in J's head also . I guess congestive heart failure with an enlarged heart was just bipolar depression.
I do know I'm going to have to do things differently also as my body isn't up for all I have to do and also don't get done.
I have been so exhausted . Abnormally exhausted and tired. I went to the nurse practitioner yesterday and I just feel like I'm falling apart physically. I either have a level off with my lights or thyroid etc. She said I was under a lot of stress and that might be it also.I didn't know how to answer it might all be in my head. I actually said it might be but it doesn't change how I feel physically. The nurse practitioner said she will offer me counselling the next time I see her if it is in my head. I said I would take counselling regardless of whether it is in my head or not.
I'm so tired of doing this alone. Meaning I'm tired of my mood , my life, just about everything in my life is sad and lonely. I'm sad all the time. I don't actually know if this is a feeling but I feel resigned. I guess it is healthy but it doesn't feel so good.
I feel alone because no one really wants to talk about death and dying, physical limitations, disability and that is my reality at the moment. No one wants to listen to how I cope or don't cope on a daily bases. Everyone has a life of there own .
My mom is also very sick at the moment also. I told her I was sick to have to hear for an hour how sick she is. I tell J I'm not well and she just freaks out about who is going to do everything for her. I tell my daughter K I'm not doing well and she won't even answer my text because her head is so far up her boyfriends ass.
Mentally or physically sick , life goes on and so does other peoples lives. Things still have to be done. Dishes has to get done also. The other day it was such a chore to do dishes. I literally had to hang on to a chair and sit a couple of times doing dishes. But the nurse practitioner thinks it is possibly in my head. The same nurse practitioner that said it was all in J's head also . I guess congestive heart failure with an enlarged heart was just bipolar depression.
I do know I'm going to have to do things differently also as my body isn't up for all I have to do and also don't get done.
Friday, July 4, 2014
Storm
It has been awhile since I have wrote. So much and so little has happened. Most of all my mind is a wreck. The ugly head of mania is starting to creep up on me. I can feel the creepy hand of it near . It lurks in the back ground. I'm groggy writing this as I had my medication upped yesterday and spent most of the day in some state. J handed me some pills and I took them. Makes me feel short leashed inside my body if that makes any sense. Everything is slower and more exhausting. My body is weak and the pills make me not as coherent.
The stress is catching up to me. I have not had a good outlet for it. I haven't much wanted to talk period. To talk about my problems would be admitting I have some serious problems. I have had limited offers also. But I have had one good offer from Mr. Bear and I'm slowly getting there to take his offer up. I have tried without much success to act like nothing is wrong and to go on living like everyday life. The problem is I'm paralyzed by everyday life and don't want to get out of the house or do anything in the house except doing something that involves escapism.
Escapism is many things to me. Like watching loads of tv. Yesterday, I crawled into bed turned on the Cartoon Network and was so fucked up from my pills, I didn't move much. To be honest I needed it as I was completely loosing my mind with olfactory hallucinations and fear. Tons of fear. It was just fear of the unknown.
Other days , I just get lost in reading ,tv, other projects. When I know damn well I need to organize and declutter this horrible house. I'm trying to make it handicap friendly and user friendly. All the mess is J's over 50 years of shit .One way or the other It has became my responsibility to deal with everything around here
It makes me angry that everything is heaped on me. I resent it period. At the same time it makes me feel guilty for being angry that |I have to do everything. It makes me angry when I suggest outside help it gets ignored as J says we are fine. J says we are fine to everyone. I'm losing my marbles. I don't like waiting on J 24/7. It might not be so bad if J made any of any sort of decision on her own behalf. J just bitches about everything.
I have to figure something out for me to survive this shitstorm. It isn't like anyone likes to hear negative news in my family either. I don't have a support system at all. I'm very lucky though my daughter is flying up here to help me for almost 2 weeks. I need some order and structure and believe it or not a 19 year old is helping me sort this shit pit of a house out. Should be interesting .
If I don't listen to the signs of Mania I will be full-blown. I have not listened to my triggers of stress at all. I'm listening now and trying to sort out the mess of life. I'm even at the moment when it is not very convenient to up my medication and get some sleep and basic nutrition . When I'm manic I don't eat much. I don't put any of my needs to be of much importance either.
The stress is catching up to me. I have not had a good outlet for it. I haven't much wanted to talk period. To talk about my problems would be admitting I have some serious problems. I have had limited offers also. But I have had one good offer from Mr. Bear and I'm slowly getting there to take his offer up. I have tried without much success to act like nothing is wrong and to go on living like everyday life. The problem is I'm paralyzed by everyday life and don't want to get out of the house or do anything in the house except doing something that involves escapism.
Escapism is many things to me. Like watching loads of tv. Yesterday, I crawled into bed turned on the Cartoon Network and was so fucked up from my pills, I didn't move much. To be honest I needed it as I was completely loosing my mind with olfactory hallucinations and fear. Tons of fear. It was just fear of the unknown.
Other days , I just get lost in reading ,tv, other projects. When I know damn well I need to organize and declutter this horrible house. I'm trying to make it handicap friendly and user friendly. All the mess is J's over 50 years of shit .One way or the other It has became my responsibility to deal with everything around here
It makes me angry that everything is heaped on me. I resent it period. At the same time it makes me feel guilty for being angry that |I have to do everything. It makes me angry when I suggest outside help it gets ignored as J says we are fine. J says we are fine to everyone. I'm losing my marbles. I don't like waiting on J 24/7. It might not be so bad if J made any of any sort of decision on her own behalf. J just bitches about everything.
I have to figure something out for me to survive this shitstorm. It isn't like anyone likes to hear negative news in my family either. I don't have a support system at all. I'm very lucky though my daughter is flying up here to help me for almost 2 weeks. I need some order and structure and believe it or not a 19 year old is helping me sort this shit pit of a house out. Should be interesting .
If I don't listen to the signs of Mania I will be full-blown. I have not listened to my triggers of stress at all. I'm listening now and trying to sort out the mess of life. I'm even at the moment when it is not very convenient to up my medication and get some sleep and basic nutrition . When I'm manic I don't eat much. I don't put any of my needs to be of much importance either.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
Fragment
I thought I would blog today. It is a really nice day outside. My head is so murky though. It isn't like the bright sunny day with a crisp breeze. It is more of a muddled hole . It is more foggy with ominous black clouds.I have had so much anxiety lately. It is paralyzing anxiety where it renders me immobile and lifeless for the day or days.
We haven't had any appoinments this week . It has left me lacking motivation. I have no motivation to do every day living things most people do. I dread everything I do. I know logically, deep down this is a mixed mood. I need to get a handle on it quickly.
I have been sleeping more. That is a plus. I have had to drug myself pretty well for this part. It also is helping my brain process things better and not be so freaking paranoid and jumbled. I have been feeling very fragmented lately.
When, I feel fragmented, it is very hard for me to do many task. I have been trying real hard to rely on my list that I try to take and adhere to. List are very important to me. I break down my task that I have to do.
Lately, I have been planning on a trip we are going to take Tuesday for 5 days. It is our 10th wedding Anniversary. We will be renting a lighthouse . It sounds romantic and cool. Well, it is neat but I'm procrastinating till the last minute to get ready.
I'm not even sure why we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary . Our marriage has been just full of crap to be honest. I love J but our marriage has been less than perfect and on many occasions disastrous. I even wanted a divorce last year. Btw, things haven't got any better but I have learned to accept some crap that I haven't wanted to. We are now stuck together with J's declining health.
I have accepted a marriage with no intimacy of any sort.(been going on for several years) We are still friends . We would be better off as just friends. We still laugh occasionally. We fight still but it generally ends up with someone isolating. We dream of a better future . The reality is not so kind though. The plans we make now a days are more like remodeling the house to be more handicap accessible.
Maybe, for those five days , I won't think about the past. I will embrace the beauty that surrounds me. I will detach like I have been doing and do my own thing. The shitty thing was I was forgiving the past and something real stupid came up and all of a sudden I'm resentful as hell. I put it past me to bring it back to the raw again.
I have to get back to my center again because I hate being pissed about the past. I have to reclaim my central mood again where I deal with what ever life gives me and of course smile sometimes.
We haven't had any appoinments this week . It has left me lacking motivation. I have no motivation to do every day living things most people do. I dread everything I do. I know logically, deep down this is a mixed mood. I need to get a handle on it quickly.
I have been sleeping more. That is a plus. I have had to drug myself pretty well for this part. It also is helping my brain process things better and not be so freaking paranoid and jumbled. I have been feeling very fragmented lately.
When, I feel fragmented, it is very hard for me to do many task. I have been trying real hard to rely on my list that I try to take and adhere to. List are very important to me. I break down my task that I have to do.
Lately, I have been planning on a trip we are going to take Tuesday for 5 days. It is our 10th wedding Anniversary. We will be renting a lighthouse . It sounds romantic and cool. Well, it is neat but I'm procrastinating till the last minute to get ready.
I'm not even sure why we are celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary . Our marriage has been just full of crap to be honest. I love J but our marriage has been less than perfect and on many occasions disastrous. I even wanted a divorce last year. Btw, things haven't got any better but I have learned to accept some crap that I haven't wanted to. We are now stuck together with J's declining health.
I have accepted a marriage with no intimacy of any sort.(been going on for several years) We are still friends . We would be better off as just friends. We still laugh occasionally. We fight still but it generally ends up with someone isolating. We dream of a better future . The reality is not so kind though. The plans we make now a days are more like remodeling the house to be more handicap accessible.
Maybe, for those five days , I won't think about the past. I will embrace the beauty that surrounds me. I will detach like I have been doing and do my own thing. The shitty thing was I was forgiving the past and something real stupid came up and all of a sudden I'm resentful as hell. I put it past me to bring it back to the raw again.
I have to get back to my center again because I hate being pissed about the past. I have to reclaim my central mood again where I deal with what ever life gives me and of course smile sometimes.
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Casino
I'm here sitting waking up. The coffee helps somewhat to form my thoughts. I'm jumbled with all kinds of information and I'm having a hard time making it into coherent thought. Basically, my brain is tired. My mind has been very busy lately. I'm a goal oriented person believe it or not. Give me a project and boom , I get it done. Somethings in life are just not projects and it throws me a little, till I rework it , in my mind to be like a break down of a list. A simple to do list .
At this moment , I play a lot by ear. Plans can be interrupted at anytime. Plans can be hard. It is just not as easy as getting packed to go somewhere and going. J is disabled now and it takes a lot of work. When I plan something it has to be totally handicap accessible.
My point, we went to see Chelsea Handler show at a casino. It took planning. I had to spend extra money to put insurance on the tickets. I ordered them back in February. I had to book a refundable hotel room . I had to make sure it had a room also that we could access. I had no idea when I booked everything if J would be died or alive. Or mostly, if J would be well enough.
We had a awesome time seeing Chelsea Handler. It was a riot. We laughed so much. We for a moment where best friends again. No arguing or bickering. I even forgot the tickets in the room . Nothing would cause irritation and it was as next to perfect. We took a real limo over to the show from the hotel. They provided an out dated limo . It is hilarious. We felt like we where old pimps getting out of the huge white retro limo. Except, I had to go back in the huge retro limo to get the tickets. I left J in her wheel chair outside the casino.
We made it to the show. The worry where to put the wheel chair ended when a nice attended came over and said we could check it with her . It was awesome. I ask myself what sort of person steals wheel chairs and other mobility devices. Real low lifes. I guess mobility devices are huge money. We paid 300 just for a transport chair. That is cheap compared with what other mobility devices cost . It is a racket, medical equipment.
The show lasted about 2 hours. She had an opener first. He was so funny also. After, the show it was so crowded. It is sort of hard to push a chair in a crowd. You really have to concentrate not to hit people and their heals. People aren't even aware that your there. They dart in and out and sometimes you have to come to an abrupt stop giving J whip lash because some oblivious asshat jumps out in front of the chair. I'm getting better at navigating. Thank god , I was in a good mood or the asshat might of got rammed and ran over.
Even the ride back was better because I really tipped the driver to be more accommodating. The first time going over there he was having a hard time with the chair and had the trunk swinging open to fit the chair and begrudgingly put the chair in the trunk. Suggested we get one from the casino. I had to explain to him she actually needed it to even get back to the room etc. It is deceiving because she can walk some and get into a car herself. That is about it though. He was kind after that. I tipped him real well dropping J off and taking me back and forth. So when he saw us again he was about tripping over himself to do a real good job. Even set up her chair to present her when she got out of the limo. It is funny what money will do to motivate people.
I have a very hard time with crowds and casinos. Casinos trigger a mini mania for me. Everything shines, twinkles and is so loud. The decor even over stimulates me. Just about everything overstimulates me in a casino. I had to smoke up before I went over there. Just to handle all the things that are bad for me and gives me that horrible anxiety ridden feeling. In the past , to deal with the casino, I would hit the bar at the casino. Next thing you know I have that zombie slot face. Then J would yell at me to stop gambling and drinking. She would also yell at me because I would have to see every section of machines, trying to figure out the best return for my buck. They don't have the best return for your buck in a casino.
I managed to stay out of the bar and no where near a slot machine. I didn't even eat at the casino. Opting for a bag of Arbys in the hotel room. We just laughed and talked till we went to bed. For that evening, I was in love again. It really felt like a date. I had all the feelings I had when we first got together. It truly was a good day.
Reality, set in the next day. J was so exhausted and has been in bed off and on since we have came back. It takes a lot out of J to do anything.
We have another trip planned for our 10th Anniversary for the first week of June. That will be more sedate at a lighthouse over looking Lake Huron. Lots of taking in the water, bush and boats. It should be restful.
I hope this post was somewhat coherent. I'm a better blogger in the afternoon. haha
At this moment , I play a lot by ear. Plans can be interrupted at anytime. Plans can be hard. It is just not as easy as getting packed to go somewhere and going. J is disabled now and it takes a lot of work. When I plan something it has to be totally handicap accessible.
My point, we went to see Chelsea Handler show at a casino. It took planning. I had to spend extra money to put insurance on the tickets. I ordered them back in February. I had to book a refundable hotel room . I had to make sure it had a room also that we could access. I had no idea when I booked everything if J would be died or alive. Or mostly, if J would be well enough.
We had a awesome time seeing Chelsea Handler. It was a riot. We laughed so much. We for a moment where best friends again. No arguing or bickering. I even forgot the tickets in the room . Nothing would cause irritation and it was as next to perfect. We took a real limo over to the show from the hotel. They provided an out dated limo . It is hilarious. We felt like we where old pimps getting out of the huge white retro limo. Except, I had to go back in the huge retro limo to get the tickets. I left J in her wheel chair outside the casino.
We made it to the show. The worry where to put the wheel chair ended when a nice attended came over and said we could check it with her . It was awesome. I ask myself what sort of person steals wheel chairs and other mobility devices. Real low lifes. I guess mobility devices are huge money. We paid 300 just for a transport chair. That is cheap compared with what other mobility devices cost . It is a racket, medical equipment.
The show lasted about 2 hours. She had an opener first. He was so funny also. After, the show it was so crowded. It is sort of hard to push a chair in a crowd. You really have to concentrate not to hit people and their heals. People aren't even aware that your there. They dart in and out and sometimes you have to come to an abrupt stop giving J whip lash because some oblivious asshat jumps out in front of the chair. I'm getting better at navigating. Thank god , I was in a good mood or the asshat might of got rammed and ran over.
Even the ride back was better because I really tipped the driver to be more accommodating. The first time going over there he was having a hard time with the chair and had the trunk swinging open to fit the chair and begrudgingly put the chair in the trunk. Suggested we get one from the casino. I had to explain to him she actually needed it to even get back to the room etc. It is deceiving because she can walk some and get into a car herself. That is about it though. He was kind after that. I tipped him real well dropping J off and taking me back and forth. So when he saw us again he was about tripping over himself to do a real good job. Even set up her chair to present her when she got out of the limo. It is funny what money will do to motivate people.
I have a very hard time with crowds and casinos. Casinos trigger a mini mania for me. Everything shines, twinkles and is so loud. The decor even over stimulates me. Just about everything overstimulates me in a casino. I had to smoke up before I went over there. Just to handle all the things that are bad for me and gives me that horrible anxiety ridden feeling. In the past , to deal with the casino, I would hit the bar at the casino. Next thing you know I have that zombie slot face. Then J would yell at me to stop gambling and drinking. She would also yell at me because I would have to see every section of machines, trying to figure out the best return for my buck. They don't have the best return for your buck in a casino.
I managed to stay out of the bar and no where near a slot machine. I didn't even eat at the casino. Opting for a bag of Arbys in the hotel room. We just laughed and talked till we went to bed. For that evening, I was in love again. It really felt like a date. I had all the feelings I had when we first got together. It truly was a good day.
Reality, set in the next day. J was so exhausted and has been in bed off and on since we have came back. It takes a lot out of J to do anything.
We have another trip planned for our 10th Anniversary for the first week of June. That will be more sedate at a lighthouse over looking Lake Huron. Lots of taking in the water, bush and boats. It should be restful.
I hope this post was somewhat coherent. I'm a better blogger in the afternoon. haha
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
The Help
I love the morning. It is so quiet in the house except for the occasional meow or dog wanting to go outside. It is my time of day. I have no demands at all this time of day. I have actually missed my early morning routines. I started to watch murder mysteries with J instead of going to bed early.
When the day officially begins is when J wakes up. It is loads of pills, breakfeast, coffee and anything J wants and of course the tv starts. The blasted tv is on usually for hours. I have started to really hate the tv with a passion. It is so dismal. I usually clean, cook and wait on J, watch tv, go to appointments, and occasionally have my own appointments.
Yesterday, was one of those days that I had an appointment of my own. I had an appointment for my feet yesterday with my massage therapist. My feet are really bad lately. My tendons are flared up and I have muscle that tries to adhere to places where it isn't suppose to be. , Plantar issues are some of my issues with my feet also. Anyways, I went for a half and hour to get my scar tissues busted up in my feet. Not fun but worth it. I don't drive so I had to have J take me. This is a nightmare for J to take me anywhere. All I heard how she had to seat in the truck for a half and hour. How horrible that is and etc. The day before I had to leave the house at 9 in the morning for her doctors appointment so I could push her wheelchair but never did I bitch about it. It is a nightmare getting everything ready for a morning appointment. I wont schedule an appointment until the afternoon . I heard about my appointment for hours yesterday like I was going on a vacation for pleasure of something. It is terrible to ever have an appointment of my own.
J was psychotic yesterday. I dread those days. I can just look at J and say anything and J burst into tears. I can say anything and J gets angry and rageful. I can also say nothing and the rage boils because .... I haven't guessed or conjured my crystal ball for the right thing or answer . I forgot to add how really screwed up the thinking and hallucinations can be. J is bipolar also. It is a curious combo when you have a very sick mentally ied and physically ill person to take care of. It just drives me up a pole some days. Most days , I just ignore the verbal diarrhea that comes out of J's mouth. Some days, I tell J off and confront the illogical thinking. Yesterday, I tried to ignore it . Didn't work. I confronted it and by golly somewhere in the recesses of that dark brain of J's she took extra anti-psychotic. It wiped J out enough to sleep.
I have not a clue what today holds . I can guess it probaly won't be goood. It will start with the usual demands , then shit will hit the fan because I have no mushrooms for mushroom omelets. I was to tired yesterday to pick some up. Oh , I will pay for that with, J grumbling about mushrooms until I go to the store. Thinking about how unreasonable J has got is tiring. I feel like the maid. The help. It does get old.
When the day officially begins is when J wakes up. It is loads of pills, breakfeast, coffee and anything J wants and of course the tv starts. The blasted tv is on usually for hours. I have started to really hate the tv with a passion. It is so dismal. I usually clean, cook and wait on J, watch tv, go to appointments, and occasionally have my own appointments.
Yesterday, was one of those days that I had an appointment of my own. I had an appointment for my feet yesterday with my massage therapist. My feet are really bad lately. My tendons are flared up and I have muscle that tries to adhere to places where it isn't suppose to be. , Plantar issues are some of my issues with my feet also. Anyways, I went for a half and hour to get my scar tissues busted up in my feet. Not fun but worth it. I don't drive so I had to have J take me. This is a nightmare for J to take me anywhere. All I heard how she had to seat in the truck for a half and hour. How horrible that is and etc. The day before I had to leave the house at 9 in the morning for her doctors appointment so I could push her wheelchair but never did I bitch about it. It is a nightmare getting everything ready for a morning appointment. I wont schedule an appointment until the afternoon . I heard about my appointment for hours yesterday like I was going on a vacation for pleasure of something. It is terrible to ever have an appointment of my own.
J was psychotic yesterday. I dread those days. I can just look at J and say anything and J burst into tears. I can say anything and J gets angry and rageful. I can also say nothing and the rage boils because .... I haven't guessed or conjured my crystal ball for the right thing or answer . I forgot to add how really screwed up the thinking and hallucinations can be. J is bipolar also. It is a curious combo when you have a very sick mentally ied and physically ill person to take care of. It just drives me up a pole some days. Most days , I just ignore the verbal diarrhea that comes out of J's mouth. Some days, I tell J off and confront the illogical thinking. Yesterday, I tried to ignore it . Didn't work. I confronted it and by golly somewhere in the recesses of that dark brain of J's she took extra anti-psychotic. It wiped J out enough to sleep.
I have not a clue what today holds . I can guess it probaly won't be goood. It will start with the usual demands , then shit will hit the fan because I have no mushrooms for mushroom omelets. I was to tired yesterday to pick some up. Oh , I will pay for that with, J grumbling about mushrooms until I go to the store. Thinking about how unreasonable J has got is tiring. I feel like the maid. The help. It does get old.
Friday, May 9, 2014
I'm Back
I don't know where to start. If anyone has noticed, I have been gone for over 5 months. Short and sweet my life fell apart. We had a very brutal winter. I just came down from one hell of a mania this winter and crashed. To top it off my spouse has been very very ill and is dying. I have been learning to cope with it. It hasn't been a easy ride. Plus , I cope with chronic pain myself and taking care of J is so exhausting to my body.
My new role has became a caretaker or better known as a personal support worker. My body and mind has and still is adjusting to this. J got so sick this winter that she was bed ridden. Now, J is now stabilizing and can get around with a cane and wheel-chair. J went from fat to morbid obesity and pushing a wheel chair has took it's toll on my body, so has lifting on and off the couch, in and out of the shower and in and out of the bed. |My brain has also had to adjust to waiting on someone hand and foot and how demanding it is to take care of every need J has.
The hard part though is seeing someone I love muscles waste away. Watch an independent person be waited on and have to be pushed to her doctors appointments because it is to far for her to walk. To know it is all a guess game about the prognosis. Trying far to be there emotionally when my best friend might just drop dead tomorrow. I have done my fair share of crying. I have been at times angry. At times, I'm fine. Anymore, I'm pretty accepting even though I don't like it.
I have tried to make life pretty normal and go on like nothing has been happening. Very few people know what is going on or just vaguely know. It is J's wishes to be private. It has been hell for me to be so private about it that I just don't share period . I have shared with a few people but not to any depth. People just don't know what to say. I wouldn't either to someone close. Maybe, I would say my ear is open. I would love to just voice my frustrations sometimes to get through another day .
One thing I have learned in this shit storm is to take life a day at a time. I know, it sounds so cliche . All, I really have energy for is sometimes minute, hour , day. I don't have many options to not get up every day and deal with it. I can't hide. I can't shut myself up in the house and be a hermit anymore. It rattles me to the core someday with anxiety. I can hear my head. It says how in the hell can you get through this situation? My head says, I don't know but you have to. I just try not to think about anything and just do it. I also get a little help from my friend weed. It works better than anything I have ever took for anxiety and pain. So, judge if you want. It has been a god send.
More later.....
My new role has became a caretaker or better known as a personal support worker. My body and mind has and still is adjusting to this. J got so sick this winter that she was bed ridden. Now, J is now stabilizing and can get around with a cane and wheel-chair. J went from fat to morbid obesity and pushing a wheel chair has took it's toll on my body, so has lifting on and off the couch, in and out of the shower and in and out of the bed. |My brain has also had to adjust to waiting on someone hand and foot and how demanding it is to take care of every need J has.
The hard part though is seeing someone I love muscles waste away. Watch an independent person be waited on and have to be pushed to her doctors appointments because it is to far for her to walk. To know it is all a guess game about the prognosis. Trying far to be there emotionally when my best friend might just drop dead tomorrow. I have done my fair share of crying. I have been at times angry. At times, I'm fine. Anymore, I'm pretty accepting even though I don't like it.
I have tried to make life pretty normal and go on like nothing has been happening. Very few people know what is going on or just vaguely know. It is J's wishes to be private. It has been hell for me to be so private about it that I just don't share period . I have shared with a few people but not to any depth. People just don't know what to say. I wouldn't either to someone close. Maybe, I would say my ear is open. I would love to just voice my frustrations sometimes to get through another day .
One thing I have learned in this shit storm is to take life a day at a time. I know, it sounds so cliche . All, I really have energy for is sometimes minute, hour , day. I don't have many options to not get up every day and deal with it. I can't hide. I can't shut myself up in the house and be a hermit anymore. It rattles me to the core someday with anxiety. I can hear my head. It says how in the hell can you get through this situation? My head says, I don't know but you have to. I just try not to think about anything and just do it. I also get a little help from my friend weed. It works better than anything I have ever took for anxiety and pain. So, judge if you want. It has been a god send.
More later.....
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