Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Mixed up

I'm having a hard time staying current with my blog. I just really don't feel like writing about my feelings or my life.  I have been in a mixed state for awhile now. It gets where I'm tired of this mood. The mood won't budge. Time will make it cycle and that is about all I can wish for.

I have been so exhausted . Abnormally exhausted and tired. I went to the nurse practitioner yesterday and I just feel like I'm falling apart physically. I either have a level off with my lights or thyroid etc. She said I was under a lot of stress and that might be it also.I didn't know how to answer it might all be in my head. I actually said it might be but it doesn't change how I feel physically. The nurse practitioner said she will offer me counselling the next time I see her if it is in my head. I said I would take counselling regardless of whether it is in my head or not.

I'm so tired of doing this alone. Meaning I'm tired of my mood , my life, just about everything in my life is sad and lonely. I'm sad all the time. I don't actually know if this is a feeling but I feel resigned. I guess it is healthy but it doesn't feel so good.

I feel alone because no one really wants to talk about death and dying, physical limitations, disability and that is my reality at the moment. No one wants to listen to how I cope or don't cope on a daily bases. Everyone has a life of there own .

My mom is also very sick at the moment also. I told her I was sick to have to hear for an hour how sick she is. I tell J I'm not well and she just freaks out about who is going to do everything for her. I tell my daughter K I'm not doing well and she won't even answer my text because her head is so far up her boyfriends ass.

Mentally or physically sick , life goes on and so does other peoples lives. Things still have to be done. Dishes has to get done also. The other day it was such a chore to do dishes. I literally had to hang on to a chair and sit a couple of times doing dishes. But the nurse practitioner thinks it is possibly in my head. The same nurse practitioner that said it was all in J's head also . I guess congestive heart failure with an enlarged heart was just bipolar depression.

I do know I'm going to have to do things differently also as my body isn't up for all I have to do and also don't get done.


  1. ((BIG HUG)) I feel for you Kristy. Keep track of your doctors and make sure they do not dismiss your physical symptoms as just being a Bipolar thing. Oh how that irks me. I hope that your bloodwork reveals something that can be treated because I can't believe and won't believe that it is all just in your head. Life shouldn't be this hard and with proper treatment you will prevail....I hope, hope, hope.

  2. Oh, Kristy; I am so sorry to hear this! Yes, I know, it can feel dreadfully alone when you're mind is unsettled. (Been there; done that.) And you're not getting any help from anyone, which makes it all worse. I don't have any suggestions to offer, other than the "eat well and stay active" routine — but that can be just so much bla, bla, bla lots of days. I get it.

    Just please don't do what Robin Williams did! OK? Do we have a deal? (I'll wait for your answer.)

    Blessings and Bear hugs!

  3. Thank you both. Bear we have a deal. I'm not that low yet thank the heavens. If I get so low I will get help. Actually, I have been trying to eat better and take vitamins. It is helping some. Also, just talking about it helps to get anything out at this point. Thank you both for stopping by .

  4. Well shit... I didn't see this post. I'm not saying that if I had, or if I would have commented .... It would have changed anything. But after reading yesterdays post, I feel bad that I missed it.
    Please know that I am here for you. Ok?