A Ghost from the Past

I had a funny experience. I logged on to facebook yesterday with a request from a person . I thought I didn't know her . I did , it was someone that I went to High school with. I have no old high school people on my facebook except one other person. I did sort of stay in touch after high school with that person. I was surprised that she found me. It isn't the easiest thing to find me on facebook with all the privacy controls and stupid picture I use. I use a lemur for a pic. I about laughed when she asked me what I have been up to in 20 years. I laughed and said a lot has went on in twenty years. She wanted to know. I let her hear the good things but never really told her about anything else. I really don't know this person anymore. I just declined to say well I have went totally crazy in the past 9 years . It isn't as bad now. Who wants to hear you have been scooped up in a butterfly net and locked up more times than you can count on your fingers. It made me aware that at one time I had a picture perfect life to the outsider looking in at one time. Well it was never perfect nor does it look so hot now. It also amazed me after not talking for twenty years how one person could ask why I got a divorce 8 years ago. I was asked what happened. Why does anyone get a divorce. I never answered that but the dude was a real ass hat. Very emotionally abusive and I had enough. It might of also been because I'm a lesbian. I don't want old friends looking me up so I have to come out of the closet again. I still guard that fact about myself . I hope she can look at the pictures and figure it out herself. I don't think in a million years anyone could of figured out that I would become a lesbian.
I fought for many years to like my life and just want to forget about all the shit that happened in Highs cool. Or many other times in my life. My life is good now and I plan to keep it that way. I have worked my ass off to get to a place where I like myself most days. It hasn't been easy.

Irritable

I'm not a happy camper. Everything is breaking down in this house. This week-end the newish cordless phone went out and so did the coffee pot that is less than a couple of months old. Did I save the box or warranty. The answer is NO. I thought they would last more than a couple of months. I get pissed nothing is made with quality anymore. It isn't like I bought cheap things either. The coffee pot is Faberware and I have no idea what the phone is but it wasn't cheap. To make things worse the oven has went out about two weeks ago. I don't want to have that fixed until I get the stove fixed. They are two separate units that I want to only call one service person and have to wait till the counter top stove that I want to purchase is within my reach. Now I won't wait for a coffee pot or cordless phone. I have been using the antique rotary phone. Yeah, we really have one of those old ones on the wall. I hate it but it is better than nothing. I haven't much spoke on the phone for the last four days because of it. Just to talk to J and bitch. It goes through one of J's ear out the other. I have been trying to argue with J but I'm not getting anywhere. I'm a little pissed at J also. It has been along four days by myself and nothing has went well. It also has rained buckets so I have cabin fever on top of everything breaking down. I haven't ran using the pouring rain as an excuse. I miss seating outside also. The dog did though recover from eating a box of bran buds. He was awfully smelly for about 2 days. He is back to him self.
J gets home today . I'm more glad about having transportation than J being back home. Like I said I'm pissed at J. I have had a ton of time to think about our relationship and it isn't the best at the moment. I get tired of the same old shit that happens year after year. I never have accepted the fact no one changes and I have to accept it or move on. I probably won't move on but I have to accept J. I have to remind myself I have to do what is best for me and sometimes that is to detach , move back and take care of myself and only concentrate on my needs for a change. I'm such a caretaker with J that I have lost myself in many ways. When I'm alone it shows me how selfish and self-centered J is. It also shows me how J takes no responsibility for anything . I feel like it is my fault since I do everything around here and make all the decisions. Lately, I have felt J is not very able to do things. Oh, I'm so wrong as J finds ways when I'm not around and is very functional without me . It pisses me off because I ask myself why can't J be like that around the house. My answer is J is lazy and can get away with it around here so why would J be any different. Oh it eats at me lately. With everything falling apart, my mood and the irritation with J sometimes I just want to scream.

Do you want some cheese with your whine

Today, has been a dreary dark day until the clouds cleared out this evening . The evening got still as the clouds cleared. I wish my mood would clear like those clouds. I have been alone today. J went away for the week-end and the house is so quiet without the girls being with us anymore. This is my first time alone without watching 3 dogs and a cat. If you have been following the girls died this year. The house is empty without them. I still have Brett but he is a old crank that sleeps most of the day or hunts. The poor thing ate a whole box of bran buds while I was at the grocery store today. He got it off a counter. He must of used his big paws to scoop it off the counter as it was far back. He is in a lot of distress stomach wise and should be better tomorrow but until then he is full of gas and the stink is about killing me. I might have to kick him off the couch. The cat is about useless without J here. She won't come out of the bedroom but managed to keep me from sleeping this morning playing with her ball and spitting around the house at 3 in the morning.
I have read a lot today as the summer is full of shit on t.v. and I have watched about every sitcom this summer. I just can't numb my brain with that crap anymore. I also been a little introspective and it is just uncomfortable. I think it is uncomfortable because It has been a rough year and I just don't want to be alone with some of my thoughts. Not that they are dangerous or anything but just painful and sad. I generally have other things to focus on and for once I'm alone with myself and I don't really like it right now. I have to come up with a project this week-end. I don't want to think. I would go somewhere but have no wheels this week-end which leads me to feel trapped. I'm so full of complaints this week-end. I feel like asking me if I want some cheese with my whine.

A Delight of Food

I thought I would blog this morning as I feel chatty. It has been awhile since I have felt like talking or writing. I have been sad for months on top of being depressed. I don't know what has changed exactly for me lately but I like it. I'm sure it is particual my mood. During my summer of funk I stopped taking all my vitamin supplements. I started back a couple of weeks ago and feel so much more alive and functioning. I'm more like myself. I'm starting to have the summer that I planned . It is also showing signs of fall here. Some of the trees have started to turn some and the mornings are pretty crisp. I also see the days are getting longer. With signs of fall I start getting more of a nesting instinct to prepare for winter as they are very long here.
Anyway, I reseeded the yard yesterday and the weather was nice enough to rain and water it all in. I also managed to get most of my errands done also. I picked up my meat from the butcher. The freezer is now stocked for about 4 months. Until , beef goes on sale. Then I will get a side of beef. This time I got a cheap variety pack and about 15 pounds of skinless , boneless chicken breast. I'm pretty stocked for pork as the last time I got meat I stocked up on pork. I'm actually thinking about getting some lamb this fall from a local farmer up the way. It would make a change as I'm about beefed out.
I have been looking at different recipes lately and trying more marinades. One I found I like is called Wine Shallot: 1 cup dry white wine 1/4 cup of finely cut onion and shallot, 1 teaspoon oil 1/2 teaspoon each of cracked pepper and dry basil, 1/4 teaspoon of dry rosemary, and one bay leaf. I really like this on pork.
I also have made an easy ratouille doing hobo packs on the grill. A hobo pack is just a foil folded over all the vegetables. Eggplant, squash, tomatoe, onion , any type of peppers and seasonings. I served some naan (indian flat bread) brisked with some olive oil and heated up on the grill to go with it. It would be more french if you serve some sort of crusty bagette or french bread . Or with the ratouille sauting the vegetables before baking it. I just skipped that step as I like simple on a hot day.
I need to get ready for my jog this morning and finish my coffee while it is still warmish.

Unwelcomed Energy

I have been having a nice lazy morning. Drinking coffee and listening to some classic rock on the satellite radio. I have been catching up on reading blogs and facebook. I haven't been able to relax in a couple of days so this feels nice. I have been edgy and unsettled with a sense of nervous energy. I have been putting that unsettling energy to good use . I did all sorts of yard work yesterday as it seemed to help. I mowed, trimmed pulled weeds, stacked wood and got rid of brush piles. It seemed to help get some of that unwelcoming energy out of me. I even tackled the mess of the kitchen. All the work I did yesterday has left me more even kilted today. I don't know how long being calm will last but I will go with it.
I have all sorts of errands to do today since yesterday the thought of being trapped in a car wasn't going to happen. I even thought yesterday wasn't the day to deal with people either. So, today happily they will get done. I haven't had the patients to do laundry at the laundry mat . I have been paying the laundry ladies to do it and it has worked out good. I'm trying to eliminate some of the crap I truly hate around here when it doesn't work with my mood. It has helped me concentrate on some of the stuff I like in my life like working out and cooking. Also, I'm going to re-seed my lawn this week-end since it is all together. I much rather re-seed my lawn than do laundry. I better get off here and start planning my day as it might be rather long getting things done in town since the hoardes of tourist that embark on the town every week-end.

Ramblings of a mad woman

I have been sitting here reflecting over this past week. I love the morning as it is so quiet around the house . I drink my coffee and listen to the local radio at low volume. The local radio station really stinks but it gives local news and the weather. Sometimes, there contest amuses me. It generally is a simple trivia question or a clip of a song from the 60's 70's or 80's to guess at. What makes me giggle is the prizes won. I think you win a water bottle and get your name thrown in for a end of a week raffle for a buffet at the local Chinese food place. I'm used to radio stations giving better prizes. Oh what fun it is to live in a small tourist town.
I have been doing OK this past week. I have had productive days and not so productive days. I still struggle with daily life but it is getting better. I tell myself that anyway. I managed to run four days out of the seven. I wanted to run every day. I find the motivation to run hard. Actually, I find the motivation to do most things hard lately. It hasn't been so bad though and I have got a lot of things done. I think I want to have the feeling of natural motivation but it isn't going to happen. Sometimes, it is like pulling teeth to get me to do the things need to be done. It is even harder for J to get anything done and that is what I'm struggling with lately. J does nothing except sleep and drink and it is getting on my nerves. I hate being totally responsible for everything. I could bitch and whine about J but it solves nothing. I'm pretty irritated with J lately though. I know in time it will get better but the thing is when. It has been about three crazy weeks with J. It was just getting better until we received Flora's ashes back in an urn the other day. It is very morbid and I will have to look for a place in the house where the urn isn't in our face. I would of preferred her ashes in a box to be buried in the back yard. I wouldn't mind burying the urn but it seems pretty expensive to just bury.
Anyway, I hope this weeks weather holds up . I want to get on with life. I really don't care what else is going on with anyone at the moment . I have to take care of myself. I need to get back to golfing, swimming, and projects around the house. Being mentally ill myself and having to take care of someone that is mental ill can often take a toll. The best thing anyone that takes care of someone that is having episodes is to take care of their selves. I'm not getting in the middle of any crap and that is when I detach. In the past I have tried to stop taking care of everything and it backfires on me as some things just drive me nuts and I have to do them because it effects my life and comfort. I just won't be doing extra things or go out of my way to do things. My life has to go on even when life seems to be unfair lately.

The Other Shoe Has Fell Off

I thought I would do an update since I have been gone for awhile. A lot has happened since, I last posted. I did manage to clean up some of the pig pen aka house for my relatives to visit. I did it in whirlwind speed. It reminded me not to procrastinate as it just causes a ton of anxiety. I then had a hectic but fun week with my family. To be honest , I'm not used to being that busy. I think I scheduled everything to do in the region, we live in a week, which is to much but they liked it. At the same time we had company the dog got sick. We thought she had some type of UTI. We took her to the vet last Tuesday. She was dxed with acute leukemia. X-rays revealed she had a enlarged spleen and most of her organs where damaged. She was seven. Even taking her to the vet being sick she was the vibrant dog she always was. Licking the vets feet and pulling to say hello to other dogs and people. It was a shock when we had to put her down. She just showed signs of her illness during the last week of her life. She had sudden onset. I was curious about that since she had a physical the month before and was fine. So, basically we lost 2 dogs in the period of 3 months. I was just getting over my mixed mood and depression when this happened and life looked up. Things where going well. I actually started to live again. My trudging was starting to be in the past. I'm back to trudging again but differently this time. The grief is to much this time and I try to ignore it as the thought these weren't only just mere dogs; they where my immediate family that I have spent years with and a lot of good and bad times with. I will get over it and have managed to stay busy. I just can't go back to that dark place where I was for the past three months with the death of Spud. Our young dog Flora was so full of life it is kind of a tribute to that dog to keep trudging along and living. I allowed myself a good three days to just totally fall apart and go on a binge drunk. It didn't solve a thing and made me feel worse.
J is Bipolar also. She has took this worse than ever expected. Her mood has been starting to change for the worse. She has been experiencing psychosis and has had to increase her anti-psychotic. I'm trying to be the rock in the storm now as both of us really can't go insane. I have increased the structure in the house and have started running it really tightly. I have started running again to relieve the stress of all of this and handle it in a more approtaite way than a scotch bottle. The remaining dog loves to run also and it burns off the anxiety . Brett the Brittany has been showing his ass since the girls have died and I have had to show him who is top dog and it isn't him. He is coming along and dogs like to have discipline as it shows them they are safe. Life goes on as I tell myself and in time it will be better .