Update

I'm in a cranky irritable mood. I took down my last post. But for those who read you know a little what has been going on. Yes, I'm still Manic and pretty full blown. Everytime, I say I'm not going to neglect my blog and I do. I have several reason but they are excuses really.

J , has been very sick lately and had to go to the ER about 2 weeks ago maybe 3. It has been a rollercoaster ride with J's health. The thing is she is still very sick and weak. Really don't know what is going on. They possible think she had a mild stroke. Her Blood pressure is all over the place and dangerously high at times. Appointment after appointment.

We had to cancel our yearly vacation also. It was going to be for two weeks at a cabin on an island. I'm very disappointed . I planned this since early spring. The thing is she just doesn't feel well. That is fine but she could of went and let me have a good time. Did I mention that the earth revolves around J. All, I have been doing is waiting on J hand and foot for sometime now and it has got worse.

Right before J got sick I told J I really was seriously thinking about a split or divorce. That I was tired of a sexless marriage and a no touch period relationship. I thought we have became room-mates with me not even having much rights. I still consider J my best friend but after 10 years I'm tired of giving every ounce of me and not getting much in return. I also don't want to be someones caretaker and maid.


J said she would do better but I don't see it. It is pretty lousy to leave a sick person so I'm holding off. I might not leave but we sure do have a lot to sort out if I'm staying.

My irritability is been off the charts and so has been my anxiety at times. It doesn't help that I'm probaly going through a mid life crisis either where I just want to get back to who I once was and I'm really examining my life . What I want and what I certainly can't tolerate.

I have totally lost myself in the past 5 years. I have became reclusive . I have hardly any friends in the town I live in. Believe it or not at one time in my life I was social. My mother the other day said it was like I totally dropped out of society in the past 5 years by moving to Canada. That I let myself become a broken person. I was a little irritated by what she said but it is the truth. My only avenue of anything social has became the computer. (facebook,twitter,blogging and texting) I haven't let anyone in , in a very long time. I have started lately to let people get to know me a little. I have also been more open with my family about what is going on. It is a step.

On a brighter note some of my manic symptoms are going away slowly.

Coming Out Of My Cave

I haven't wrote in two months. So much has happened and not . Some of the past month has been so stagnant. I have been in a dark anxiety ridden mixed mood. It is passing and I'm more or less a little depressed. I'm slowly digging out of my hole.

I have neglected so much in the past two months. I have neglected to really live life and have been just struggling. Every once in awhile I will get a little energy and do daily living and actually feel decent then the overwhelming facts of what a disaster my life hits and I get depressed and feel defeated.

I don't always like going on about the negative and feel whiny even if that is how I feel. I have been very negative and don't want to be a downer.  .Then I remember this is my journal and I can vent as much as I want. I really seem to need to get many things out . My walls have been built up high in the past two months and really haven't shared anything with anyone. I stuff my feelings like big heavy bricks inside me.

My last post was about my plumbing. The update on that is that it is the Septic tank line that needed to be repaired. Still waiting on that repair. The company is busy but so far they did a quick fix to keep it going until they can dig up the yard. Bills have been tight and seems very overwhelming.

Happier news we go see Whoopi  Friday. I booked that trip in the winter. We will be gone one night to see the show and go to the Casino. Not much of a gambler. I usually play about 40 dollars. Casinos trigger something in me. I get real overwhelmed by all the colors and sounds etc. It makes me hyper and I never stay very long. I do like all the different nice restaurant they have at this casino and like seeing a show. Pathetic thing is the show starts at 9pm and I'm generally in bed at that time.We are going to board the dogs . This is the first time they are getting boarded. We used to board our other dogs but we are trying a new approach of a cage free home environment which is more like a camp with activities. One of our dogs used to go for a hour a day at this camp for some socialization as she is down right mental.

Talking about mental dog. Daisy is who I'm talking about. She has really bad social anxiety. We are going to put her on medication for two months and retrain her. The sedative effect should work on her nerves and then just over exposure is suppose to work. Maybe, I can talk to the vet and she can put me on the same sedative and retrain me(lol) I have committed to helping the dog with her issues. I worked some with her this past 4 days when we went to visit in-laws. A little better but her anxiety makes her a hysterical barking mess when she sees people. She is getting just a little better at ignoring stimuli with me on her ass every two seconds flipping her leash and harness with a firm No. Never had a dog with anxiety issues and this is new for me. But I have had a bad dog before that taught me a lot of what to do and what not to do. This dog isn't really a bad dog but has a mental illness.  She gets so caught up with her anxiety she can't think straight and it just balloons into a mass panic attack. Just like people.

 The puppy is now 6 months old. She is still a runt. She is such a normal dog and a delight. The dogs are like night and day. Alice reminds me of what a Golden should be in temperament and attitude. Alice is the smaller one chasing Daisy. They are light in color because they are English Golden Retrievers. I love talking about my dogs as they really make me very happy. They are one of the most positive things in my life and get me out of bed every morning.  I will wrap up and make an effort for myself to write more and not retreat in my cave.

I just need to vent! or bitch!

I'm so something right now. I guess the word is fed up. We have been having a slow running drain. So, I decided in my wisdom to do deal with it on a Good Friday when everything is closed until probably Tuesday. Four boxes of baking soda, several hours of this and Drano and the drains are real messed the f%k up. Flush the toilet now and it backs in the shower. Drain the tub the toilet bubbles. Run the kitchen sink and it is the only thing that drains slowly. I'm literally up shit creek.

While, I'm sweating my butt off with boiling kettles of water and various chemicals J is just happily clicking away of facebook. I say could you getting the fecking dogs out of my way. They are going to get burned by boiling water. Could you possible maybe give me a hand. Oh hell no. The problem is every problem in this house is my problem. Because insert excuse J has . I'm tired and pmsing like nobodies business. Which just makes me more vocal.    J has also been manic as hell. Mouthy out in public . I deal with it by saying please stay in the car. Or go find somewhere to seat out of the publics way. It is embarrassing when a person has no filters out in public and says rude things about children and etc. Even if it is valid which it is most people only have bubble thoughts it doesn't actually come out of their mouths. Top that off with J cutting back smoking which probably triggered this wonderful mood. J has took up a government programme to stop smoking . It last 6 months. It is moving slowly. If I say anything negative about this , I'm not being supportive. So, I keep it to myself. The problem is I have to keep everything to myself. It just stresses J out to hear money problems   , any problem  really. The puppy is also my problem also. The puppy really bonded to me so the excuse is I don't have to do anything because that dog choose you. It is both our dog and both our responsibility.

As, you can see it is just one fight after another lately. I need a vacation away from everybody . I need a break from J also. Will I get one. No. I'm trying to work on an idea to send J to visit J's parents. Leave me for a couple of days to deal with that mess also. It wouldn't be until next month though. It also doesn't help that we are going to probably have to pay for a plumbing problem again. I have so had it with our plumbing and water problems. I think I should own stock in the plumbers company. Over the past 5 years we have replaced a whole water system, all pipes in the bathroom , kitchen also winter related freezing problems in the pump house with busted pipes. Had the whole backyard dug up last year for a busted pipe. That was fun having a backhoe in the backyard and had the whole line dug up. I can hear myself growling in my head. It is like a plumbing gremlin. To be fair everything was real old and just happened to go at a fairly steady rate. No upgrades have been made in 20-25 years.  It doesn't feel any better though having to fork the money out at a fairly steady rate though. It just seems in the past 6-7 years everything has went at once. Get out of one jam get into another. It is just life though. I tell myself that to make it feel better. But really it is just life. Sometimes, life really sucks and isn't fair. The thing is I deal with it and move on. I just was hoping to have an incident free spring.

Pyscho

The other night I was contacted from a close friend that vanished for a year. I had no reason why she vanished. She changed her phone number multiple times. Vanished completely from the Internet . I managed to fin her husbands facebook but would get one or two cryptic messages. I just totally wrote her off and wondered what I could of said or done wrong to end this relationship.

I didn't count on she went off her meds started drining and became psychotic. When I talked to her the other night she was out of it. Talking she was in the CIA and FBI and other things. It made no sense. I talked to her for several hours and she was just so incoherent . It was so circular going round and round. I went with the illogical for 2 hours an finally had enough. I had to go to bed it was 1:00 am way past my bedtime. I was not getting anywhere and finally called her out on not taking care of herself and drinking. I haven't heard from her sense .

I'm not said about it either. I don't care if you take no meds or if you do. You have to take care of yourself and not get to that babbling point. I have been to the babbling point but not with anyone except J and personally the only person I will take to the babbling point also is J. I'm so sorry this person trust no one at all. That is a very sad point. I have always trusted J at my worst and J the same. You have to trust one person when your mental ill and someone that can be subjective. Someone that isn't the enemy. This person is so remote to me and now I'm her enemy  even threatening me because I said in a nice way that she had a chemical imbalance and didn't say insane which I thought. I will probably be stalked. Oh wonderful.

Alice

It is a lazy Sunday morning. The dogs are chewing bones. The cats are sleeping. J is watching a movie. I'm attempting to catch up with blogging after being gone for a month. I have been very busy with the new puppy this last month and just generally depressed but functioning.

I have been sleep deprived trying to house train Alice. She is about house trained. She has learned so much this month. She knows how to sit, stay, come, her name, not to bite and most importantly the word NO. She also has been learning the only thing that should be in her mouth is her toys. She also knows the word give. If I have to take something away from her, I say give and she spits it out. She is a very easy going , intelligent, playful and such picks up on so much.

I forgot how tiring a puppy is and  how they are so much work.  I was fighting depression before the puppy and had to give up my light to have my full eye on her in the morning and out the door with the slightest sign of having to go to the bathroom. She wakes up to go every morning at 4 like clock work. It has got some what better with the bathroom the older and bigger bladder she gets. I'm not putting on clothes as we are going out the door anymore in the freezing winter.

I'm back to my lamp. Someone in the question asked if I like my lamp. I actually hate it because I'm bored with light shining in my eyes making me blind for a half an hour. If I can manage to walk around half blinded or listen to the tv or radio it isn't so bad.  I just try to tell myself it is better than being depressed. I find the only thing good for my depression is when my cycle ends naturally which should happen when it gets sunny and actually spring.

The weather is very depressing. It snows and doesn't warm at all. It has been forcasted to be a little warmer this week and something as sunshine. It has been a very grey winter this year. Grey like my mood for months and I'm looking forward to sunshine and bright days. I have been planning for happier days also. I already scheduled and booked our vacation for 2 weeks this Autumn . Planned a family reunion in the summer. Casino and Comedy show at the end of  May. It is nice to get away for a night. I don't really care for casinos though as they are to busy and triggering for me. I do like them for short amounts of time though. I usually just spend about 2 hours in one and that is my limit. I generally try to just eat , play then go to the show and that is it. I recognize I can be to impulsive with gambling. I will only allow myself to blow 40 bucks and what ever I earn.

I'm starting to ramble. I think I will end now.

Animals ...........

I thought I would blog this morning . It has been awhile. Seems like the only time I blog anymore is when I'm in a mood. I should blog more often when things are normal. I have been trying my hardest to get out of a depression. I have a ton to do and no energy to do it.

We are getting a puppy of all things Saturday. I'm not ready for it and in all honesty probably would never be prepared for one. I have a ton to do before we get Alice. We have had our older dog which is 2 now going to dog daycare for some training , reinforcement, and some of her anxiety problems. She is a shy dog. That has been going well. She goes for a hour every day. We need her ready for this new arrival and not to teach Alice bad behaviour. We are now not letting the dog barge the door and making her wait and stay to be let out. We have let this dog get away with a lot because we have been depressed. Daisy is a good dog but we have been to loose with her manners.  Even though she knows how to behave. We are going over her manners .She likes going to obedience and paying with others. On the other hand I feel like it interferes with my flow of day. I have been making J pick her up because the woman that helps us talks to much and instead of a hour a day it is much like 2 hours a day then add 20 minutes for drop off and pick up. I have a house to get ready for a puppy.

I have been trying my SAD lamp again and it is gradually working. I have to watch out though so I don't get manic. Like any anti-depressant it makes me go up and up and away if it is to much. I have been exercising. It seems to be that winter in a cold environment speeds up your metabolism. I also been snowshoeing that burns 40 percent more calories than anything like walking, jogging or running. The down side is my back hurts so bad. My back has been horrible since I have started again with exercise. I take an over the counter muscle relaxer to get through the pain. I have been sleeping a lot lately also with more exercise. It just makes me so tired. It will even out. I will continue to push through. I need to be able to get my head in the frame of being outside all the time with this puppy. I have started to get in a structured routine before the dog comes so I wont be so out of it. I have been forcing myself to get up and stay up in the morning also. Daisy will sleep anytime but a puppy needs to be on a structured routine.

This new puppy is forcing me out of my rut whether I want to get out of it or not. Cats are so much easier! Except for my little guy Riley. He is now on five drops of eye drops a day to get rid of the  blob in his eye that the virus he had did. He is a delight though and has adjusted very nicely.  

Pissed Off

I had a panic attack this morning. I looked at the bank account this morning and the bank didn't put funds into after cashing out an investment that was suppose to mature today. They eventually did and it was chalked down to a misunderstanding.

But before it could be figured out I was sweating , shaking and a million things where going through my mind. Even after it was settled I was trying hard to calm myself. I just tried to stay busy and distract myself and after about 2 hours I was fine. It doesn't help that I'm pmsing.

To top it off J told me she is sick AGAIN. I seriously wonder how many times a person can be stricken with flu like symptoms. I had to change my dental cleaning today at the last minute because I don't drive. J told me to take a taxi but a taxi from where I live would be a little over 55 dollars round trip. It was cheaper to pay the cancellation fee. I'm pissed. I could of been told yesterday. The woman at the dentist office isn't that nice and isn't someone you would want to call. I actually never want to piss her off as she can get her teeth and claws out. I just hope the rest of my appointments this week I won't have to cancel.

I still have to get the cat's eye checked again and him neutered . I also have a massage that my poor lower back and hip need. I'm getting sick of J being sick all the time. J also goes to the doctor all the time anymore . Nothing ever really gets solved either. I say if you are sick as often as J suck it up. If you can't tell I'm pissed off.