Ramblings Of A Crazy Woman

I haven't wanted to write lately. I don't have very much positive to say and have tended to be very negative lately. Part of it is mood and other factors in my life such as situational things. My favorite thing lately to say is "Give me a fucking break". I don't know if this has been the worse year of my life but it tops the chart of really being on the top of the list. I guess it is all how you look at life and frame events. I have tried to re frame events and they all suck the same. Have I learned anything from them? Well sure but I don't like emotional pain. I guess I have grown some . I have less expectations of life. A good day is when something or someone doesn't die. A good day is when nothing breaks done or I have to spend a wad of money on broke down shit that I don't have to spend. Or better yet when my relationships with anyone anymore isn't in the shitter. Most of the time I have so much resentment and anger and I try to wash it away with some type of alchol. Then I say shit I don't mean to exactly say or I mean it but it is exaggerated and feel like a first class asshole. Stay sober for awhile or don't drink to excess until I'm ready to explode again. The drinking to excess is about me not handling my anger, resentment, fear , loneliness,anxiety and most of all boredom. Just give me a excuse lately to get bombed to be numb and I escape that way. To be honest I like that numb feeling and the carefree feeling of saying fuck it all. I would love to get on a plane and just fly off into the sunset and not allow anyone to ever know where I went. That is if I had a million dollars. The theme lately has been to escape.

I realize that I have to get my shit together for me mostly. Because, no one around me is going to get their shit together and I will be waiting till hell freezes over. It is time for me to stop throwing myself a booze filled pity party. I read on another blog that for them they needed to have a plan to get through life. Well maybe that is what I need. I have been thinking about it lately. I actually need to write what I need in life down and break it down to reasonable goals. I have read another blog that was helpful also about not defining who you are with your illness and to just get on with life. It called for a plan also in sorts. The themes have been taking responsibility and setting goals. I guess I never really set a lot of goals because I don't want more disappointment. I have fallen low with having no accountability to myself or anyone. I don't even try to please myself with anything and have let everything in my life go to hell. I need to try to fix myself slowly and patiently. After all I have to live with me and I do have some expectations from myself and get a F for not even trying lately . I'm sick of using bipolar as an excuse not to live life even though it does get in the way at times. Yes, I have been depressed but all I have done is wallow in it like a pig in mud. Worse lately i don't even try. I have been pretty good about trying and not giving up no matter what and even though this year has kicked my ass it is time to stop getting my ass kicked. I tell myself to suck it up buttercup. Well, now I do need to suck it up and at least go through the motions even if it is fake at first.

I will try to update more and share my journey of faking it till I maintain again.

It Hit Me

I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone when she asked me a question.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.

I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.

Getting to know your family and friends

Welcome to the new 2010 edition of getting to know your family and friends.. Here is what you are supposed to do, and try not to be lame and spoil the fun.
Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a bunch of people you know, INCLUDING the person who sent it to you.
Some of you may get this several times; that means you have lots of friends. The easiest way to do it is to hit 'forward' so you can delete and change the answers. Have fun and be truthful!

'getting to know you'

1. What color are your socks right now? I don't wear socks
2. What are you listening to right now? Regis & Kelly
3. What was the last thing you ate? Plum
4. Can you drive a stick shift? Yes
5. Last person you spoke to on the phone? with a real voice :)) Mother
6. Do you like the person who sent this to you? Yes! i do.
7. How old are you today 37
8. What is your favorite sport to watch on tv? UFC
9. What is your favorite drink? coffee, and Dr. Pepper
10. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes
11. Favorite food? Sushi
12. What is the last movie you watched? Atonement
13. Favorite day of the year? My birthday
14. How do you vent? I let it all out
15. What was your favorite toy as a child Lego's and my snoopy dog
16. What is your favorite season? Winter Skiing time.
17. Cherries or blueberries? Cheeries
18. Do you want your friends to e-mail you back? yes-
19. Who is the most likely to respond? Don't Know
20. Who is least likely to respond? Don't Know
21. Living situation? I live in a house on a lake with two dogs, cat and partner.
22. When was the last time you cried? I cried last night my grandma is dying
23. What is on the floor of your closet right now? everything
24. Who is the friend you have had the longest that you are sending this to? none
25. What did you do last night? Listen to records and drink beer and cry.
What are you most afraid of? My love one's dying
27. Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? spicy - spicy hamburger
28. Favorite dog breed? Golden Retriever and Brittany
29. Favorite day of the week? Sunday
30. How many states have 3 states and one province in a different country

31. Diamonds or pearls? i don't care for either. I like silver
32. What is your favorite flower tulips

Marching On

I have started my morning routine. I started by letting the dogs out and feeding one and waiting to feed the puppy later since she is on a schedule. I have been enjoying my coffee and my cancer sticks. Planted my butt in the computer chair with my SAD lamp. I also have been enjoying my solitude in the morning. I love having my own time alone and it is great. I can do what ever I like. I'm listening to music and enjoying the 80's on XM.

It is a new day and I already feel better about J for a fleeting moment. I remind my self that I have to accept somethings about J. We all have our moments and the things I can't accept like the lack of her doing anything. If it is important to me , it falls on my lap. The more that I have been thinking is that, I need more space. I will get it when ski season approaches. I will go to the local cross country ski club by myself for a breather. I was thinking last night I need to blow off some steam as I'm getting to my boiling point. I need to exercise more and do less picking up. I will take a walk today and get some things done to escape. Anger is real good as a motivator to get things done. Then I will escape in the book I'm reading. I found a real good series. It is the Sookie Stackhouse series that they made True Blood into.

On a better note I started my x-mas shopping. I ordered my daughter a laptop, carrying bag, mouse and Microsoft Office. Now eleven gifts to go for the other people on my list. At least I have it in my head what everyone is going to get and it is budgeted out. I really don't like Christmas btw. I could be happy if it never happened . I feel the Holiday season is over rated and is very stressful with unrealistic expectations. I'm just happy I can celebrate it at home without anyone except J. It is less stressful that way. I don't even know if I will decorate this year. Call me the Grinch.

Venting

I'm feeling a little low today and exhausted. My body has said enough of trying to get things done. My muscles growl with pain. I have been pretty busy trying to do the last touchs of winterizing and getting some more clutter out of the house. It is like I'm doing spring cleaning in the winter. My shoulder has hurt pretty good for about a week now and hopefully it will get a little better with the rest. It has been one ailment after another for the past month. Flu, cold, upper respotory infection and bummed shoulder. It truly is wearing on me mentally. I have felt more vulnable today and useless when this whiny mood sits in with me. I really don't get much help around the house and it leaves me angry and resentful. Sometimes, it feels like I'm married to a child. It probaly is just me being overly senstive today and overly everything. I would really love to just not have to tell J to do anything and for her to take the intutive to do it . Thats means anything that needs to get done and also cook when I don't feel like it. I barely bitch about J because it could be endless at time. Anymore, I feel pretty lonely in this relationship and the less depressed I get the more I notice. I thought I would just vent a little as I'm less than happy at the moment

SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder)

I thought I would blog while I was doing my light lamp for SAD. The lamp I have is called lamp book elite. The doctor recommended it . I have feel in love with it as it is portable and small. I could even travel with it if I wanted to. I have been using it for about a month and have seen results. The results where slow at first but build over a period of time. Sometimes, I have had to use it two times a day to get optimal results. This time of year in Ontario is dismil and the days are real short. The lack of light causes my mood to spiral into a dark place . It causes me to hardly do anything and that also means take care of myself. Much less any house work.
With the lamp and taking vitamins , I'm gradually becoming myself again and tackling the real messes in this house . Feeling better also means I'm eating healthier meals and taking care of my self. Which is all hard to do when your extremely depressed. I even find myself running with the puppy lately. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I'm when I'm depressed . I'm generally a active , fun person. It is something when your personality is coloured so badly with a mood. I'm just happy that I'm digging myself out of my hole. I will try to expound on getting better because this is just the start of my recovery from depression and SAD.

Facebook is a different type of beast

I feel pretty quiet lately so I was thinking about what to write. I was looking at my stats on blogger the other day and it told me that the most googled thing about my blog was facebook. I have a entry about facebook defriending. So, I thought I would write about facebook today and about the divison of people that make up my facebook. They are such diverse people. I would assume a lot of people probaly have these type of people also. I have one group of friends that don't do anything else on facebook except play endless games such as farmville, mafia wars and fish something. Tons of games. I'm not bothered by it as I have blocked most of these invites. To be honest I do play two applications but it doesn't consume me. Then I have the political advocate facebook friend that gets so excited about anything political. They seem to breath politics. I used to be a political junkie but I'm pretty apathetic anymore and really don't give a crap about this cause or that one. I do stay informed though. I have friends from both political parties in the states. Like you can only imagine they differ so much on beliefs. I have even seen fighting in some of the threads they have. Interesting indeed. I also have the group of people that are just family. I would have to say this is the most awkward group as I have a couple that embarrass me a little with some of the things they put on my wall. Most of my family don't share some of the same beliefs I do and I just don't want to argue with them. But as a group they are great. They get to see my pictures I post and it seems to help them keep up on my life.
Then there is a few that I have came into contact with over games, blogging, past life, etc. They seem to be my favorite. My friends by choice.
The other thing I have observed is most people don't comment on anything on facebook or very rare. I don't know what the problem is on my facebook. Sometimes, I think is my status update is not interesting enough to start a conversation? The times I do I think of possible one person that ruins it and people don't want to comment because of her antics. Then I was told most people are lurkers and don't really care. I do know I don't comment on a lot of stuff either do to mood or whatever but I do try to be involved . Facebook is adifferent type of beast anymore with many factors for many people and why they do use it.

Back Into The Light

I fill like I have not wrote for a very long time. I have had so much going on in the past three weeks. Some exciting and some stuff not so exciting. I have been sick with something for about the whole time or it seems like it anyway. I have had the flu , cold and some sinus thing going on. I even managed to lose my voice. My mood stays still for the most part. I started a SAD light several weeks ago. I think without it I would even be more depressed than I'm.
Last Friday we got our puppy Daisy. She is a English Golden Retriever. She is 8 weeks old and just full of beans. She is also a very big girl for her age as she already weighs a little over 13lbs. She isn't fat but just BIG for her age. Which means she is into everything. I have been so exhausted since last Friday. I'm just starting to get settled into some sort of routine. We also put a collar on her. She is on a leash going out. For three days she was not on a leash and was like a pinball in the yard. I could hardly catch her she is super fast. We have no physical fence and she can get up to no good real fast. I even twisted my ankle chasing her so she wouldn't go into the swamp. It is a tad cold here right now and didn't want to fish a puppy out of the cold muck.
Lately, I feel so overwhelmed. Part of it is I put everything off till the last minute. I have had tons of things to do around the house and outside and none of it gets done when it should. I was slowly trudging away last week until we got Daisy. Then exhaustion took over. If I could ever get over being sick I think it would help so much.
It is suppose to be sunny for the rest of the week even though it will be cold. I hope I will be able to pick up some final mess out side. It doesn't help that we lived outside this summer and have so much junk. We did finally get the camper put down and winterized. I was using the camper to store all my clothes junk. I still have tons of clothes to wade through stacked nicely in a huge pile in the studio. The work is never ending and I don't know when it will be ever organized as I have lived here full time for almost 2 years. It is way more manageable in some ways though. We both need to get rid of a mound of possessions. Mine are mostly in storage except my mounds of clothes.
I will be blogging more as I'm starting to feel better.