Content Ramblings

Lately, I'm content or complacent. After, a mixed mood, that was more agitation than depression, it seems like I finally pulled through. I cross my fingers because I don't want it coming back again. I can look forward to the mixed episode every November and I'm finally getting past it. I feel much relief with hardly any anxiety and almost a normal feeling. I have no compulsive anything going on.It feels nice to be boring.
I thought I was slipping into a depression. I still have to watch for that and be vigilant. I have to not let myself slip hard into a winter depression. I was not going to town and finally did after 5 days of being at home. I really had no need to go out other than I needed to for myself. I had a good time when I told myself oh why go out it is boring. I went out for a slice of pizza and enjoyed it. I didn't much have to go shopping but did manage some bargains at Walmart about the only game in the town I live in. I found a plant for 1.95 can't beat that. I also found an Amaryllis to bloom in the winter indoors. Flowers are important to me in the winter when nothing flourishes outside and makes my mood feel better seeing living things. I also started another batch of cat grass for the cat. I think I'm seeing green grass in the winter even though it is a patch. The cat enjoys it also and it helps keep her out of my other plants that she so loves to harass and tear up.
Sleeping .... I'm not to worried about my sleep because I do sleep but just not when other people do. I go to bed about 6-7pm and sleep till about 3-4am. It will change in time and I will get on schedule with what people think the norm is. Sometimes, you just have to be thank-full that you sleep at all. I know I'm and I have a productive life most of the time. I think you have to do what works for you. Bipolar people don't all come in one size or shape even though they want you to think treatment is the same for everyone. It isn't and I have found you need to do what works for you.
I know when I start getting into a rut I need to do something fun even if I don't think it is fun at the time. It is funny how at the time I make myself do something I don't think it is fun but when I look back at it I'm thank-full that I did it and it seems to build on it's self. Sometimes, I have to many rules for myself and think I need to do chores or something before I have fun. After, I do such and such I will do something fun. Well, to get my motivation for such and such I need fun in my life and not a lot of shoulds at the moment.
Today.... I don't really know what I'm going to do today. I have an idea that I will do some tidying up and watch some movies that I need to send back. Maybe, get my rear in gear and make something tasty. The sky has been overcast for about 3 days and I can either swear at it or do something inside that I like. I have more plants to transplant also. I like puttering around the house at times and look actually forward to it today. I would also be content just watching a movie also since I don't feel like I have ants in my pants anymore.

Audience

I'm not for sure why people read my blog. I started this as a project for myself but notice I get a lot of traffic off of blogsurfer that I submitted this blog to. I wonder what is the draw if you do read this blog. Sometimes, I wonder what the audience wants from this blog . I have opinions on everything . I never defined my purpose really with writing this. The blog is not very old and I'm new to blogging. I don't even know in this mood or any mood if it is any good or revelant or not. So please if you read this blog give me a shout out and tell me why you read or what you would like to see more of. I know the stats get higher for some of the things I blog about while the stats get lower for some of the things I blog about. I just thought I would ask. Stats dont tell me much about the people following this blog either. I would like to get to know my audience better if you do follow this. Thank-you if you do take the time to read my ramblings.

Ho Hum

I have been in a different mood lately. It is more of low grade depression. I actually don't mind it as I'm content with doing hardly nothing. My sleep is better but I still get up in the wee hours of the morning but take a huge nap around 6 get up around 10 then go back to sleep till 4. It is wacked because I'm missing my evening television. Not like most of the shows, I watch are so thought provoking that missing them makes me upset. I just like some of them and miss being up in the evening. I'm slowing down enough to read again and I really can get into that. I love reading and look forward to reading the many books I can read when I'm in that mood frame. Sometimes , just starting a book is hard and when I do I just buss through it ,if it is interesting.
It is funny the different mood spectrums what I can get done or what I can't get done and I embrace each spectrum as it brings me something different in my life. I feel like I'm finally on vacation now and relaxing. I think I will be back to a productive mood once it snows here .

Mixed Nuts and Bolts

I have been in a lousy mood for the past couple of days. My sleep is now back all over the place. I'm also trying to find purpose or motivation in my life. It really went to hell in a hand basket ,one day with grey overcast skys. The weather is back to shining again for at least a week. It makes it tolerable. I have been so irritable , it makes me miserable. I have been eating up all my pre-frozen food I made and I'm running out. I need to get off my ass and do something today. The thing is nothing appeals to me at the moment. I did manage to get out of the house yesterday for some more potting soil and etc. I bought a Christmas cactus the other day that needs re potted and finally found something fitting for my violet even though it isn't, what I really want. So, maybe re potting living things will make me feel more alive. I doubt it but it will make some of the time pass with this mood. Sometimes the only thing I find in a foul mood is to do something anything to make the time go by until another mood comes.
One positive thing about getting up in the wee hours of the morning is I got to see the Leonid meteor shower and it was brilliant. It took me some time to focus my eyes in the dark . Also, says something to have pets as I had to take the dogs out to do their business and watched the bright clear sky and they where content also. I need to make myself go out everyday and not allow myself to be a shut in. I fight and trudge when I'm in this mood. I tell myself I don't have to like it and no I will probably hate doing anything but I need to do it for future sanity. Life goes on whether I'm in the mood for it or not. It just becomes a heap of crap if I don't keep things up.

Things that help a budget and time

I was sitting down thinking with a cup of coffee about how I was going to structure my day since I'm sort of out of my routine lately. I was also thinking about how I cope with domestic chores . I didn't used to cope with domestic chores at all at one time and hated anything domestic. I was either real domestic with my mood or very anti domestic. I thought I would share some of the things that helped me . One of the things that help me is cooking ahead when I feel better. I cook and freeze just about everything when I'm in a good mood in anticipation when Im going to be busy or in a bad mood. I feel eating healthy is a hard thing to do in society anymore . It seems like everyone is busy or something and doesn't have time to fix a healthy meal. I just try to do it ahead. An example , I ended up not cooking yesterday and had a pot of beans frozen in the freezer. All I had to do is defrost it and there was a base of a meal that I didn't have to think about and it was very good. I also have frozen spaghetti sauce for pasta in the freezer and some homemade chicken and noodle soup in there. I'm running low and think I will try to cook extra this week for when I don't feel like it which is a lot. Another thing you do is save when you cook ahead because you don't eat out another thing is generally the foods you freeze up are cheap on the budget. An example a pot of beans cost about 1.00 for probably 2 huge meals for a family or 8 meals for 2 people.

Making list before you go to the store helps from impulse buying and also stocking food makes you make less frequent trips to the store. I really don't like shopping when I'm in certain moods as I buy to much or Im so scattered I forget what Im there for in the first place. That is why I make a menu of the week and stick to it. I don't have to think except one time and that is planning it. Sometimes, I hate the planning more than the cooking.

Today, sense I put off the grocery store ,I will try to go for a short time because this is the last week-end that is going to be unseasonable warm for the week-end. I look forward to the sun in the sky and the warmish weather this part of Ontario is experiencing. I also look forward to next week where it will be cooler but sunny. I like just about any weather that has some sun in it. I want to start the routine of walking more before winter snow. I also want to inquire about the gym next week and get a exercise routine going on when the weather is to cool to walk and jog. I know walking and jogging really help me in many ways .
Back to coffee and more thinking about what I will do on such a nice day .

Home

I'm back at home again and in a strange way, I'm happy. I was able to get a whole 6 hours of sleep , without interuptions. I haven't slept 6 hours straight in weeks . I was sleeping 3-4 hours straight then waking up and maybe getting a hour afterwards, or just sleeping in the day. I actually was able to stay up for evening programming last night. I'm leveling out and I really think the strict rountine and structure I get from travelling helps it. So does extra meds when I need them. I generally hate meds and what they do to me but will take them when I'm manic. They are a god send as I hate being a bouncy complusive mess that mania reduces me to. It isn't real fun for me and I feel like I'm coming out of my skin most of the time. I also noticed even though I spent a lot of money on things that I actually needed it made me sick to spend that money. It was a healthy sign and I'm out of spending mode even if I think I need it. I'm thinking about really getting back to budgeting lately and saving up money.

Christmas , is coming up and I have most of my shopping done and I'm happy that I'm not stressing at the last minute over it. I also set limits this year and hope I wont go over them like I have in the past. The less stress I make myself the less I get triggered from my mood that seems to fuel it. I was happy that I was able to find some normalcy traveling as odd as it seems puts me in a more structured frame of mind. I feel like I have a fresh slate to start on at home and to get some of that structure and rountine back here if I can. Travelling also stressed to me that I need to get out more no matter what. The sunny weather is really helping me a lot. The days are chalked with sun for the past week . What a little sun and sleep will do to a mood. I actually look forward to cooking today also. I actually don't want to isolate any longer and get out and do some grocery shopping to pick up the basics also. I want to really work on getting some more strict structure and rountine balanced with some fun. I was really reminded how much boredom fuels my negative attitude and restless nature.
Now it is time to get busy and try to live life to it's fullest and back to list making to priotize what I need to get done and some brainstorming about what to do around this small town to keep me occupied so I don't become such a malcontent and grump.

Visit

I have been away from home now for three days. It has been wonderful and has made my mood more manageable. I didn't realize how bored I was at home or lonely until now. Boredom really fuels my mood in a bad way. Travelling I'm very used to. I used to travel every 3 months of the year back and forth to the states. I have a routine for everything at a motel or hotel. I also thought I never wanted back at another motel or hotel for a very long time. I spent almost 3 months of my life at one last year traveling before I just settled for Canada. Now I can enjoy not cooking and having a meal out because it isn't an all the time thing. I also adapt very easily back to hotel living because I'm so familiar with what they have and what they don't. I always bring my own coffee and coffee press to a hotel because they don't have adequate coffee. I also being an insomniac bring things, to do to not disturb my partner. I shouldn't let on I can be so quiet in the wee hours of the morning .
Overall , I'm having a fine time visiting my in-laws. I manage short little visits during the day not to get overwhelmed because my mood is still high. I pick places to eat that aren't flashy and have alot going on except the taste of the food because people at times gets on my nerves. I look forward to going, to the mall and shopping. After , being in a tiny town for 6 months I really miss all the selection of stores and how easy it is to find things. I also miss the sounds of a city . As I look out my hotel window I see one of the busiest highways in Canada and think oh , civilization. I miss people and not rude ones that I'm used to where I live. Or take your money for a half ass job or service because they think they are entitled. The more I'm here the more I don't want to go to that shit-hole town . I like service and without attitude or the pace of a snail. People actually smile here. It is more diverse and people mind there own business and not what everyone else is doing or not doing. I love the autominty that a city affords people . Then tomorrow I go back to reality with the grind of home and a small community . I'm not going to try to think about it today and enjoy my day. I have been wanting some Pho and think there is a place down the street that makes it. At least my taste buds aren't assaulted here and the food isn't bland, I do have to shop for my winter supplies such as skis and snow shoes to make this winter more bearable than the last one. I also am thinking about going to Henry's camera as they have the most wonderful camera equipment . I generally have had to order on-line. I just need a peek of a wide angle lens or a more of a telescopic lens for photographing birds and wild life as the one I have isn't that powerful. I also have to stock up on cat food as I don't ant to pay double for the same bag I buy at Pet value . I really didn't know they carried big bags of Royal Canine until I went shopping in another town this summer and paid about the same amount for a big bag than a little bag. It is crazy all the things I have to drag back home from the lack of availability where I live.
This trip I actually got better sleep also than when I was at home. Not as many distractions and I'm just real tired from being up all day and being busy. I take care of myself better and don't have the stress load that I do at home. Except for the meowing cat we took with us because we didn't want to leave her for 4 days. She is a riot. We left her with the TV on and came back and she was all in a fit because she jumped on the remote when we where out and had it off channel or ordered something pay per view. Don't really know. I hope she didn't rent a porno. The room was hissing and dark and took awhile when we came back to calm her down. Over all she does living out of a hotel fine and travels very nicely as she is seasoned at it. It also has been a treat to be away from the dogs a couple of days and I'm starting to miss them. We will pick them up tomorrow afternoon.
Well shower time to get started with my shopping today.