Boxes

Here is a little background so you can understand this post.I went to storage yesterday to deal with my storage of all my stuff from the states. I had it all shipped in 2009. I have picked at it a little here and there but never have dealt with it. For me to deal with it means the lost of my own home and my things. I left all my furniture in the states as we already had furniture. J house is full. To full for my things so I will just keep what matters to me and get rid of the rest.

I have been with J for 10 years and married 8. We had two homes one in the states which was mine . Hers in Canada. We went back and forth for years. Until 2009. I moved completely. It cost to much money to keep two homes every few months.

Anyway, it makes me sad to get rid of the majority of my stuff and also resentful because J hasn't gotten rid of hardly nothing that matters except the junk I delcuttered this year. That needed to go. It has brought up feelings how J hasn't had to give up much with my move and how it really has benefited J more than anyone.

I still after all these years really haven't made friends or have made much of a life for myself. I still miss the states at times but have settled OK in my isolation. It doesn't much help that I don't much care for the people in this town and wished I was in a bigger city but that isn't going to happen. I also have a hell of a time making friends.

I did decide this year I would get out and ski more which is more social.

Prepare

I broke down yesterday and did some extensive housework. Strike just hurts me just like others have commented. I did though get J to put together the spin bike. I had all the parts put out. I was also in one of those don't screw with me moods. I'm going to give the treadmill a week to be put together now. Exercise is hard in the winter with several feet of snow on the ground and I really need to be ready for winter.

I bought cross country skies several years back but haven't used them for the past two winters. My goal is to use them this year and take lessons to improve. I need to get out more and when I did ski I had a good winter. I have to stay active or I just fall into a big giant hole.

I have to set goals that are fun or I just don't do anything. I set this goal to get my house in tip top shape for the Grey Cup which is Canadian Football thing like the Super Bowl. The thing is I don't even like football but I like game food and a good party. I used to find an obscure holiday or anything to celebrate and decorate for and it seemed to keep me more mentally alert.

I have been in some sort of funk for the past two years and I have noticed that I just survive and I really want to do more than that. I like to have fun and do things. I really would like to stay active this winter and to enjoy it with all the neat outdoor activies. Just even planning for winter gets me excited. I'm going to go over to storage today and pick up some things for winter and my grey cup thing. We have a planned power outage so going shopping over at storage is great and kills time. It feels like shopping at a rummage shop and discovering all sorts of things I haven't seen in a couple of years.

Venting

Not long ago we went to see the elderly in-laws. Like always they are ailing and say they are fine and for us to butt out of it. It was a four day visit. We had a late Canadian thanksgiving with them.
That was nice because J's brother came and his wife.

That visit racks my nerves and it is hard for me to get back to normal after that trip. It also is very costly and makes for a short month where I had to borrow money from my mother to get to the end of the month.

My stress level has been climbing and so is my depression. I forgot my lamp so I was 4 days without it. Climbing back to my depression. I have been home for going on a week now and have been using it and it is again kicking me out of my depression and getting me back to living again.

The house looked like a bomb went off and I have been tackling that. Part of that was because I went on strike. To find out it didn't matter whether I went on strike it was all there for me to clean by myself. I can't go on strike any more because it just hurts me.

I have been wanting some projects around the house done for awhile and they never got done so after the exercise bike and treadmill has set there for a year . I'm going to try to tackle it myself . I got all the parts lined up this morning for the bike. Hopefully it will be done by tomorrow. I hate putting things together as I haven't done it very often but enough is enough and I need these machines since it is like monsoon season here with it raining most days for the past two months.

I'm feeling a little better but to feel much better I need to get the house in order how I want it because I can't live in chaos. Little things like J putting 4 tackle boxes in the living room just disturb me and when I ask for them to be picked up it is always an excuse . I just picked them up the other day.

Fall Leaves

Went and looked at the fall colours about a week or so ago while the leaves where still in peak. They have all but about blown away. This is just up the road from where we live. It was a rainy gloomy day but I had a lot of fun taking pictures and finding a little hole in the wall place to get a sandwich.

SAD Season

This has been a weird month of mostly being depressed for me. This years Seasonal Depression came early as so did the horrible rain and grey has been non-stop for almost the whole month sense I have wrote.

I did manage a vacation this year about this time last month for a week. I would love to say I wasn't depressed but I was. I really made the best of it and it went OK. We went up north for a week and instead of camping we stayed in a cabin. No phones, TV, or computer. I managed to sneak my satellite radio that half ass got reception. I was so delighted to listen to the CBC almost everyday. Or NPR which is a lot like the CBC in content. I was glad we stayed in a cabin because it was very cool and about rained the whole time. The little cabin only had a wood stove for heat. This is the view out the window. I also managed a few hikes even though my foot is buggered up. I seem to mess up my foot jogging and doing that yoga I was doing. The tendons and ligaments are pretty pooched. It hurt like hell to hike but it was so wonderful to be outside after I have planned this vacation for months and payed a small fortune for it. The thought of not hiking was more depressing than the pain. Here are some pictures from a little walk I had. I guess the pics aren't going in order and I'm to half awake to figure it out right now. But the rough rock shots. I managed to hobble from rock to rock to get out and take some pictures.

I had to really make myself be there for my vacation. I managed and fell into a big black hole when I got home. But one thing the vacation did teach me is I really don't try to fight my moods as I should. I fought hard to have a decent time and I did have a decent time even depressed. As soon as I got home I have got out the SAD light. I would like to say it has cured me but it hasn't. It just has made my depression not as black and I can actually get some things done around the house. It gives me the push to work through it. I'm still using it but have to watch out because like any anti-depressant it can push me into a mixed state or mania.

Ironically, J is pushing mania. It is hard being in two different spectrum's.  J has managed sobriety and getting a life back. I washed my hands of J and when I did J seemed to pull it together. I have my own mood to tend to and even took the attitude if nothing got done in the  house who cares . A week of frozen dinners and me doing nothing made J help out just a little more which in turn helped me get out of my funk just a little. I came to the conclusion I just cant prop both of us up anymore as it is exhausting to me. Sometimes, taking care of myself nothing gets done.

I have been trying to get out more and making myself. I just know if I don't fight real hard I will be in such a horrible place this winter. I just really can't allow myself to go there. I have managed some winters without falling apart but have in the past couple of years fall to hell.

hmm...

First off I can't get my own comment section to work to comment back on the comments. It is frustrating. I want to say thanks to all that commented. I'm really trying to change this vicious cycle with my moods by being more proactive and dealing with my life even if it isn't perfect by any means.

This week has been a rough week. J sickness has got worse since detoxing off the booze. We had to go to the er this week with symptoms of a gallbladder and it wasn't that but a fatty liver. J can't hold food down at all for the past 2 weeks. J shits it all out and on top of that doesn't want to eat hardly at all . Which isn't like J. J is very over weight due to all the weight gain from all those nice psych pills. The doc said the fatty liver was due to J's fatness. Who knows because as I was reading you have to do a liver biopsy and the doc didn't do one. He did do blood test and a ultrasound. I was hoping for a gallbladder as that is fairly straight forward. This isn't as straight forward and really their is no change in J's sickness and J is very sick and very weak. I think we will find out more when J goes for a follow up the 24th. The er doctor wasn't what i say very good or helpful.. I find in the area where we live the doctors aren't very good and I have been to a lot of doctors over a lifetime for various things. I certainly wouldn't feel like putting my life in any of their hands up at the hospital. I always joke around and say if I break anything or am very sick drive me 90 miles away to the next bigger city. I even question how they read an ultra sound as J has had a bad ultra sound before in this area and was told that the other city was going to do it over again because everything they do here is questionable.

J not eating means I don't want to cook just for myself. My diet has been crap this week and I hardly eat. J eats soup or something like ensure. I made my first real meal last night where I grilled some burgers. It felt good to eat something like real meat (lol) I have been running around like crazy to take care of J these past 2 weeks. You would think J's legs don't work nor arms.  It puts me in a funky mood. It seems when I try to take care of myself something like this happens.It pisses me off because I don't abuse my body like J. If I did I would have to pick up my own pieces and get no help . J sometimes drags me down . J is starting to get real whiny.  I hate whiny sick. Who knows if the liver is from being fat or from drinking to much. Abuse is abuse. Even if it has tons of reasons. Of course J is in denial and feels helpless doing anything about it. It might take getting off the couch and putting the food down to solve. It might mean cutting back on the psych pills and dealing with life.

I do know one thing I can't  put my own life on hold anymore. It effects me in a negative way and triggers depression. I know that for me to stay healthy mentally I have to stay active and do some of the things that make me happy.

Coming out of my Cave

I have been pretty anti-social and not very much on communicating since about sometime in June. If it wasn't for facebook or twitter I wouldn't communicate to people at all.  I have been in a mixed mood. For those that don't know what that is .... It is depression and mania at once. The weird thing about this go of it is that I have been productive. I have managed to dejunk a lot of the house.
To be exact 2,600 pounds of junk. I hate clutter but J likes clutter. J calls it collecting . I call it hoarding. It has took me years to finally get this shit out of the house. The house still needs more junk out but I can live with this. I have been making everything have a place and been organizing since it is just way easier to clean that way and to deal with. Clutter=chaos to me. I have never lived in a cluttered home until J and that has been full time this 4 years as before we travelled back and forth and lived in two countries. I just didn't deal with J's junk and about every three months I went back to my home. Before that I just lived here during the summer and J would live in the states in the winter. Well, it finally had to be dealt with after 10 years in a relationship but got evaded at every conversation about it etc.  I got a big bin and pitched it . If I would of gave it away it would still be here. I needed rid of it. Worked for months babying the crap out to the bin as I just didn't pitch it I made J deal with it and let it go. I think bathing a cat would be easier.

I have been dealing with cleaning and organization for several months now as I go to shit in the winter and need everything in order for it. I'm planning for my major seasonal depression. I haven't had much fun either this summer as I have been super broke paying off bills and debt. Which leaves no money to have fun. Next month will improve as the debt has been dealt with. We will finally have a vacation after not having one for about 3 years. I also started to jog again after my hip was bothering me. I can't afford massage therapy and don't want to hurt so exercise was forced on me. It has been a good thing. A friend also sent a link to some Yoga sight on You-tube. Ekhart Yoga. It is the best. I have been doing it for like 4 days everyday and plan on to keep doing everyday. I was so tight everywhere and right now I'm pretty sore as my muscles loosen up. I didn't realize how tight I was because I live in chronic pain with my shoulders and back. I don't know how long I will keep exercising as I go on and off it but I do feel better jogging and doing yoga. I also plan on the last little bit of summer to swim. I have no excuse why I haven't been swimming as the lake is in my backyard. I just haven't felt like it . I have went a couple of times. Believe it or not I use the excuse it has been to hot. (haha) Most of all I have been busy in my head. I also been busy with problems with J. That is another blog into it's self as J has been drinking again and now is detoxing.
I have to take care of myself and my moods which have been put on the back burner for awhile now. I want to start having fun again. I look forward to my vacation next month. I look forward to using some of the things I rediscovered de cluttering.  Being broke has been good in the part I found that I use more of the things I have around the house and became more handy in the kitchen . I eat a lot healthier not going to the grocery store as much. I'm also back to drinking water all the time and feeling better. I got off the soda last year just to get back on it again. Now I'm off it again. No junk food either as I haven't been able to afford it and have to make everything by scratch. It has been good. We also had a complete fire ban. Which means no bbqing . It has ended and I can enjoy what I enjoy so much in the summer cooking out. I do look forward to the fall though which is soon for us. I like cooler temps and have hated this very hot summer.
Hopefully, I will be updating more lately and commenting on more blogs. I have been reading peoples blogs but just haven't had much to say.