Monday, October 8, 2012

SAD Season

This has been a weird month of mostly being depressed for me. This years Seasonal Depression came early as so did the horrible rain and grey has been non-stop for almost the whole month sense I have wrote.






I did manage a vacation this year about this time last month for a week. I would love to say I wasn't depressed but I was. I really made the best of it and it went OK. We went up north for a week and instead of camping we stayed in a cabin. No phones, TV, or computer. I managed to sneak my satellite radio that half ass got reception. I was so delighted to listen to the CBC almost everyday. Or NPR which is a lot like the CBC in content. I was glad we stayed in a cabin because it was very cool and about rained the whole time. The little cabin only had a wood stove for heat. This is the view out the window. I also managed a few hikes even though my foot is buggered up. I seem to mess up my foot jogging and doing that yoga I was doing. The tendons and ligaments are pretty pooched. It hurt like hell to hike but it was so wonderful to be outside after I have planned this vacation for months and payed a small fortune for it. The thought of not hiking was more depressing than the pain. Here are some pictures from a little walk I had. I guess the pics aren't going in order and I'm to half awake to figure it out right now. But the rough rock shots. I managed to hobble from rock to rock to get out and take some pictures.

I had to really make myself be there for my vacation. I managed and fell into a big black hole when I got home. But one thing the vacation did teach me is I really don't try to fight my moods as I should. I fought hard to have a decent time and I did have a decent time even depressed. As soon as I got home I have got out the SAD light. I would like to say it has cured me but it hasn't. It just has made my depression not as black and I can actually get some things done around the house. It gives me the push to work through it. I'm still using it but have to watch out because like any anti-depressant it can push me into a mixed state or mania.

Ironically, J is pushing mania. It is hard being in two different spectrum's.  J has managed sobriety and getting a life back. I washed my hands of J and when I did J seemed to pull it together. I have my own mood to tend to and even took the attitude if nothing got done in the  house who cares . A week of frozen dinners and me doing nothing made J help out just a little more which in turn helped me get out of my funk just a little. I came to the conclusion I just cant prop both of us up anymore as it is exhausting to me. Sometimes, taking care of myself nothing gets done.

I have been trying to get out more and making myself. I just know if I don't fight real hard I will be in such a horrible place this winter. I just really can't allow myself to go there. I have managed some winters without falling apart but have in the past couple of years fall to hell.

9 comments:

  1. I know how you feel about SAD, I am starting to get affected and it is pretty early on. I hope you don't fall apart this winter. Nice pics by the way!

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  2. Thanks, it seems like you are also fighting hard and I really recommend a Sad lamp. I also get a push in the back end to do all the coping mechanism that you employ at the moment also that you talk about on your blog. I will also need to make a bigger support system as I don't have one right now I'm working on that.

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    1. I am definitely going to look into it. I do love the English gloomy weather, but I think my mind/emotions don't appreciate it as much. I also know how you feel about the support system, I think sometimes you have to create one for yourself. All my little silly coping mechanisms and ideas are what I hold on to to create a bit of a better life for myself. Even if it is online, we should take what we can get. You can contact me anytime. :)

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  3. Man- i just lost TWO comments here- :(( just want to say that you have come a very long way since i have known you. You are doin a lot better than you think, and you are gonna be ok.. :)) i love the pics... I still need to look into that lamp

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    1. You make me blush. Thanks for the compliment!

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  4. your vacation spot looks beautiful... love the pictures... glad you have set some boundaries with your partner re. the house, cooking and so on. taking care of yourself is always the most important thing, but the first thing i always lose in a relationship. c.

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  5. Thanks, Relationships are hard for me to. I have been in this one for 10 years and sometimes I'm good at it and most of the time I'm terrible at it.

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  6. Depression sucks like really sucks and when you are depressed all you can do is take it one day at a time and try really try to do the things that make you happy as it is so easy to just say why bother.

    I have my grandchildren who make me want to bother although there have been times when the thought of crawling into bed and hiding from the world is really appealing but I don't I am mum and nanna and I have to get up and funtion...........

    Somedays funtioning is the best I have to offer but other days I am over happy..........lol meaning I am all bouncy and bubbly and annoying as hell............lol

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  7. Damn I just wrote all about me and not about you see that sucks too, I'm sorry I was going to say depression sucks but as long as you keep living you are doing good.

    Remember you are stonger then you think you are we are all stronger then we thing we are and if you take it one day at a time you will get there in the end,life is for living and being enjoyed not just enduring

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