Borrowing from the devil

Since, being rejected by my mother for the loan for home repairs it has been a wait game with the bank. It has caused much anxiety . It has made us ask our selves a lot of questions and most of all where the hell are we going to get the money we need.

Yesterday, I tried to clean and do some fall cleaning. I was just a ball of nerves all day. After, taking a break I told J I can't wait till the bank calls. Call the bank. It was about 4:15pm. The bank closes at 4:30. J left a message and lo and behold the woman called back . She told us we where approved and for how much. Best of all we didn't have to mortgage our home to get the money and it is unsecured. We are now doing business with the devil aka bank. At least with the bank we know what we are dealing with. No strings attached to the bank either except they want the money back in a timely period with interest. I can deal with that. I thought it would be easier dealing with my mother but I'm glad she didn't loan the money as history and recent events shows me you don't change the spots on a leopard. Doing anything with family has had strings attached to it in the past.

It also brought up the point J and I really don't have functional family and really dysfunctional family that we can't rely on. It is hard to ask J's parents for anything as they have senile dementia and that would be taking advantage. They where helpful if we needed anything finiacal in the past but even in there right mind still dysfunctional. We really realized in the past and it cemented now that we only have each other. It is nice to know someone has my back. It has been a tough year for J and I relationship. Finiacal stuff has away to put a strain on any relationship but lately it has been making our relationship better. We both are brainstorming for the goals we want and also see why we are in debt up to our eyeballs. We even have a good laugh at it at times. When we walk around the house and pull something out of a pile and ask why did we buy this. I found a shirt I had to have last year still with a tag on it. Found several books that I just purchased recently that probably wont be read for awhile. We have been confronting our waste and poor choices. Doing this we will better be able to make better choices. Wants versus needs and get on a better budget. It has made us want to vomit with some of the life choices we have made with money.

We have to visit J's parents and I had to book a hotel for next month. At this stage of the game we have to visit and J's parents have no room for us. I booked the cheapest I could. It still cost a bundle. It made us both sick knowing that the money we will spend for the visit would of been our vacation this year. Sometimes I wish we had no sense of Duty and loyalty. We where immoral and wouldn't visit. Most of the time it isn't appreciated either. With my in-laws suffering dementia and very old age it is more like they behave they are entitled. We should full fill are duties even when it is bankrupting us. They have no concept of debt as they never would of spent themselves in foolish debt and would of done without before getting into debt. Hence, they have money because they have always been responsible. It doesn't help they drive us so crazy when we visit we run up a hell of a bar tab all week. This time we will drink in our room and bring all of our animals. We also have activities planned as the constant repeating stories drives us nuts and bores us to death. We will try to get over the money we don't have to go and visit even if it makes us sick to our stomachs and suck it up like we always do. Oh family aren't they great.

More to come tomorrow. I feel like I have rambled and the whole post could be better structured but my mind is at maxium overload. Sorry if it was hard to read.

Hurt

I have in the last week got my feeling hurt. It also has made me put up a wall where my mother is concerned. Since my father has passed away I thought we where getting closer. She calls me almost everyday with her grief and uses me as a free therapist. Sometimes, it is overwhelming and sometimes I'm happy to talk to her. I'm a shoulder per say because she is lonely. I have always for the most part been the rock.

The problem is when I needed her she wasn't there for me. Which is a giant trigger for me because she seems not to be their when I need her. What hurt the most was I thought she had changed through this experience. Oh, I was wrong.

We are in the midst, of getting remodeling done on our home. It takes a boat load of money that we don't have. Some of those repairs need to be made before the snow also. We went to the bank to try to dip into some of J's investments but they are locked in till next year. The bathroom won't wait till January. So, we had to apply for a credit card with interest. We are up to debt to our eyeballs with our other one. So, that evening I called my mother asking her if I could borrow 10 grand. Which really isn't anything for my mother. I told her I would pay her a grand every month till it was paid. It would really help us not rack up more debt and she isn't doing anything with her money anyway. I would post date a cheque every month so she would know she was getting paid. She really didn't want to discuss it. Told me she was busy making freaking sushi. Then goes on about that. I told her to call me the next day to discuss it. She finally got around to calling me the next day. She said she really didn't want to. No reason either. Told me to let the bank loan us the money.

I'm pissed. I have loaned that woman money when she had none. Have always tried to be there for her etc. I'm done and detached now. I will not open myself to be hurt again. I would rather borrow the money from the devil than ever ask my mom for anything again.

SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder

Fall rolls around and my mood changes from my predominant mixed mood to plain out depression. I'm not severely depressed at the moment but feel the dark ominous depression moving in. I started my SAD light today. I start around when I can really feel the days get shorter and it has been so gloomy with it raining all the time lately.

I feel like if I wasn't so depressed or mixed at the moment my attitude would be better and I could problem solve better with all the crap that is going on in my life. I have became not only sad as in the emotion but paralyzed to get what I need to get done. I know many things fuel the depression. But without fail I start spiraling down in a depression this time of year into a pit if I'm not proactive leaves me into a major depressive episode. I have to give it my all to make sure I'm not in the snake pit of hell. The vitamins I used to take I have sort of neglected to take in the last couple of months also. I can feel a physical and mood difference. I have been eating like crap lately and need to get back to a very firm diet also which makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Most of all I just need to get off my ass. I can do what I need to do by just making myself do it. Sheer will power on certain days. I feel more depressed when I do nothing at all and allow things to build up and grow. If I manage something everyday with the house and my well being I wont be in such a hole. I tell myself that anyway. Plus , I really have a ton of crap to do.
Bear, made a wonderful comment and it made me think. I need to get back to the bush. That statement to me meant I need to get back to my spirituality. The bush is part of it. I'm not a religious person but sometimes I need my spirituality. I have been so removed from it this year it pains me. I laid in bed last night and prayed to my god. It felt awkward but it did provide some comfort. I know my depression wont go away on it's own but I do need to feel comfort and it feels helpful for me. I need to go look at the awesome glory of the Autumn leaves. Soak up the smell of the earth. Celebrate the changing of seasons and realize everything changes. I change during the seasons and so does the environment. I need to embrace what ever I'm feeling and have the comfort that it changes also. Nothing stays the same.

Fresh Squeezed Lemons

I haven't blogged in about 3 weeks. So little and so much has happened. I keep telling myself I really need to update. My memory anymore is crap. I will start off by saying I didn't go on my camping trip. Life came up. Life has away of getting in the way of good plans so does the lack of money. I can't remember everything that has went to hell in the past three weeks but the major one was our water pump went out on our water system. No pump = no water. That cost a good 1,700. Mostly, because the pump is located in the lake. Needed a new harness built for the pump and water line also. It is aggravating but not the end of the word.

It seems many things have been on stand still lately. My kitchen is waiting and crying it needs fixed. The bathroom is crying it needs major new flooring and sub flooring. Everything in the house is screaming "We need your attention" I scream back I'm not made of money. The house then screams we don't give a crap we will break on you. We are really trying to figure out how to get it all done before it snows. Trying to find honest hard working people in this small town is very hard. Everything is so overpriced by American standards also. Don't even get me started on how much more expensive everything is here. When the Canadian dollar is higher than the American dollar. It really upsets me to pay double and triple on some things.

I did though have one nice day exploring,hiking and going to a tourist trap and eating a Indian Taco on a Rez. I need more of those days. I was so tired hiking 3.0kms of very rugged terrain. My back and legs where a mess the next day. Oh the bush though. It calls to me at times and soothes my crazy racing head. I feel more at home than even in a mall.

I used to call shopping home but not to long ago I went and felt so out of place. I'm not used to the choices at all and the sticker shock. Ended up getting all dressed up. I'm starting to feel like a hick anymore. Example: They had a dyson hand blower that looks so different and I marveled at it. Kept blowing my hands. Did managed to get J new glasses. Also, some real nice sweaters and more dressy clothes so when we go down south we won't look like such hicks in a fine dining establishment. Ended up eating at the Red lobster. One of those all you can eat shrimp things and I have been so sick the last past couple of days. I don't think I can look at shrimp the same now. It is something when to do shopping you have to drive a good 180 mile trip and get the gift of food poisoning. I also got my monthly present at the same time. I feel so lucky. The night we went ended up drinking to much wine also and had a hangover the next day also. I haven't been so physically sick in ages. My stomach better today still gargles.

My mood is getting slowly under control. It has been a ride on the mixed roller coaster.