A blessing

The oddest thing happened yesterday . It is actually something fantastic.  Let me weave you a story. This is more of J's story than my own. As most people know J is very sick and dying slowly. J went to her doctor recently for an interaction with her blood pressure pills.Also , to see if she was trudging along. The doctor knows J fairly well. Asked J for the first time how her mood was. J is bipolar also. J answered terrible . She was severely depressed but didn't want to ask for help with it as she can't take anti-depressants . So NO she didn't want to go to see the psychiatrist. The doctor then asked if she wanted to be referred to see a therapist. She said sure it couldn't hurt even if it didn't help. It went through J's mind that I called her doctor and told him how depressed and despondent she has been. I didn't do anything of the sort. J's mental illness is hers to treat or not treat even if it can be hell. I did tell J that she needed a therapist since she isn't sharing  her pain with me or anyone. J has shut everyone out completely.


The doctor said someone would get a hold of her. A couple of days went by and J was irritated no one called yet. We where watching a show in the afternoon. J's phone rang. I asked if she knew the number and she didn't. She turned down the tv so she could hear. I could hear that she was talking to some lady but then I knew who that lady was. It was Js old therapist that moved out of the area . It was A. I thought A was totally out of Js life. J went to A for 5 y ears and then A moved out of the area and J never thought in a million years she would ever see her again. J's mentally health went down the drain when A moved away. She went through a string of half assed therapist that really did nothing to help and the doctors dwindled to most not even coming to this satellite area. We live in a very rural area where mental health is sub-contracted out and we get visiting psychiatrist once a month from Toronto. The therapy was such a mess at the one clinic.They offer it now at that the main doctors offices. They now employ three women that aren't in anyway affiliated with the mental health clinic. The Therapist that called J was back in town and working with the doctors office and she seen J's name and asked if she could take her as a client.We where just floored that A was back in town.

The day before J said if A was here things might be brighter. She never thought in a million years A would be back and that was wishful thinking. Well I'm so relieved that A is back. J has very terrible trust issues and never would get down deep enough with anyone else. I asked J the other day wouldn't it be nice to resolve some of your issues so you would be happier. J answered me , "Why would I want to resolve my issues ?' ' I'm dying'. My issues no longer matter. I just didn't know what to say to J. I just said maybe you might be at peace with yourself as clearly you aren't and are very angry. Maybe, who ever you get will help you with the stages of death and not get stuck in one of those 5 stages. J is stuck in anger. Nothing helps with Js angry mood. I have been at a complete loss on J's mood and needs. I have felt so totally helpless and hopeless when it comes to J's emotional well-being.

A really is an angel. It makes me teary to think that she is back. Happy tears , that J has an outlet for her well-being. Js trust has been broke severely with therapist in this area. Help has eluded J for many years when it comes to decent care both mentally and physically. Even about 7 years ago J went to the states for help with her substance abuse issues as it was hopeless here. I could write a book on what useless fill in the blank . help is here and lack of and you better get your big girls pants out because your on your own in this area. Anyway, A really is a blessing . I never thought blessings happen to us but out of no where and no hope A  has came back for the end of J's life as she was there for the first couple of years for Js venture in the mental health area. If it wasn't for A's foundation J would of succumbed to her bipolar years ago.

Mixed up

I'm having a hard time staying current with my blog. I just really don't feel like writing about my feelings or my life.  I have been in a mixed state for awhile now. It gets where I'm tired of this mood. The mood won't budge. Time will make it cycle and that is about all I can wish for.

I have been so exhausted . Abnormally exhausted and tired. I went to the nurse practitioner yesterday and I just feel like I'm falling apart physically. I either have a level off with my lights or thyroid etc. She said I was under a lot of stress and that might be it also.I didn't know how to answer it might all be in my head. I actually said it might be but it doesn't change how I feel physically. The nurse practitioner said she will offer me counselling the next time I see her if it is in my head. I said I would take counselling regardless of whether it is in my head or not.

I'm so tired of doing this alone. Meaning I'm tired of my mood , my life, just about everything in my life is sad and lonely. I'm sad all the time. I don't actually know if this is a feeling but I feel resigned. I guess it is healthy but it doesn't feel so good.

I feel alone because no one really wants to talk about death and dying, physical limitations, disability and that is my reality at the moment. No one wants to listen to how I cope or don't cope on a daily bases. Everyone has a life of there own .

My mom is also very sick at the moment also. I told her I was sick to have to hear for an hour how sick she is. I tell J I'm not well and she just freaks out about who is going to do everything for her. I tell my daughter K I'm not doing well and she won't even answer my text because her head is so far up her boyfriends ass.

Mentally or physically sick , life goes on and so does other peoples lives. Things still have to be done. Dishes has to get done also. The other day it was such a chore to do dishes. I literally had to hang on to a chair and sit a couple of times doing dishes. But the nurse practitioner thinks it is possibly in my head. The same nurse practitioner that said it was all in J's head also . I guess congestive heart failure with an enlarged heart was just bipolar depression.

I do know I'm going to have to do things differently also as my body isn't up for all I have to do and also don't get done.