Trip to hell

I have been up for a very long time this morning . I have managed to do a bunch of nothing this morning. I have looked around the computer for hours and even chatted. I have even put on a pot roast in the crock pot. Watered plants and piddled around the house. This is in the attempt i don't have to deal with what I need to do to get ready for a trip I'm taking Friday till next Tuesday. I need to get ready to see my in-laws. Oh how I hate that trip anymore.

It isn't because I hate my in-laws. It is because they are so elderly and won't listen to reason when it comes to their care. We do this trip out of duty and also guilt. It is very boring there. We spend money we don't have to go see them. It cost us a small fortune. We have to get a motel for 4 days and also pay for gas and most of our food. We used to board the dogs but it got to expensive so we take them now. We have a friend that will watch the cat. It also cost us a lot of money because they stress us out so bad we end up in the motel bar drinking and bitching about them. Since we hardly ever go to a bar we justify it as a entertainment survival cost. We vent and get it out before we have to jump into the fire again the next day. My mother in law has Alzheimer's or what we call senile dementia. We hear the same stories all day long for the four days that we are there. She has started to be very anxiety ridden when it comes to going out. Which is totally not like her . She used to be very social. We can gradually get her out of the house and out to eat or etc when we take them places. It helps some. My father in law is of sound mind except having a mood disorder. You never know if he is going to be depressed or manic. Either way most of the time sucks. I prefer if he is more depressed than being aggressive with mania. Most of the time it reminds me in their home , it is the blind leading the blind. He also can't walk very well. We have tried to get them to go to a home. We have tried to get them help. We have set up bath ladies etc. They will only take the maid that they had way before they got cranky with us getting them help. It is really a no win situation . One of them probably will have to fall and break a hip or up in die to get some help. Our hands are tied since one of them appears to be in sound mind. Even though I doubt it at times.

We wring our hands not knowing what to do and walking on eggshells not to bring up reality. We try to just make the best of it and they like seeing us. Sometimes, it really gets to me also that they think nothing of us spending so much money . We are the poorest in the family and no one else in the family would even be strapped doing what we do. We aren't even poor but it really kills our bank account when we have so much going on. It also makes us where we can't go on a real vacation either now. We used to go on like two vacations a year and for the past couple of years we haven't been anywhere. I just shake my head and try to make myself think I look forward to this trip when I really don't. I do look forward though to getting out of the house.

Springtime Ramblings

I thoug. ht I would write to try to get back to it. It is like i have got writer's block. I just don't think anything in my life is much to write about. I lack the passion to write this dribble. I really don't have the passion for anything. I can vaguely feel it stirring up and that is good. Maybe, I can fool myself and Just do it when it comes to things I like. So here is some of my ramblings for today.....

I didn't do much at all yesterday. I was in a somber mood. I just pretty much laid about for the day. The previous day I managed to start cleaning up the yard. It was a big mess from the dogs getting into the trash and had manage to have 2 bags of rubbish all torn to shreds all over the place. I also managed to pick up other things. It didn't much help my back or shoulder and therefore, just laid around yesterday. My shoulder felt like a tooth-ache. My back was just not working and felt fine just laying down or sitting all day yesterday. Many liquid gel advil later and some muscle relaxer and it feels on the mend today.

I'm trying to trick myself this early morning I'm going to be in a good mood today. I'm piddle paddling around. Making coffee, watering my little flowers I got the other day and picking up. I got some lovely tulips in a pot the other day also a potted hyacinth and another sort of little flower that is yellow. J seemed to pick out all the different colours that day of two yellow plants and one white one. Not my favorites but I just like flowers. I would of picked red, purple and pink. I also did a little walk about the other day and realized that some bulbs are finally starting to pop up also. I love spring flowers or flowers and general. I also fear Daisy has dug up some of my bulbs. I seen my rose bush also survived winter and survived Daisy.

I don't know what today will entail. I have no plans . Most days I just am happy to get through the day. I have though been bent on decluttering and spring cleaning. It seems like it is another way to purge the soul. Maybe today I will make it further than yesterday. I give myself credit for anything I do now as cleaning was such a feat this winter.

Springtime

I have been going through a rough spot . It isn't anything new but I'm sick of it and sick of talking about it. Hence , the lack of blog updates. Listen to a bad country song and that has been my life the last couple of years. Actually, probably most of my life has been some tragic song.

I have been starting to come out of my grey area even though there has been so much going on in my life. The sun has finally popped out. The temps have been way above seasonal. I never have wore a pair of shorts in March in Canada. Yesterday it was like around 70 degrees- 18-20 C. It is suppose to go up to 26C this week around 75 degrees. Last weekend we had snow. This week it is almost all gone. It melted so fast my yard is a mud hole. I grilled the other day and i just splashed in mud and had mud all over the place. The lake is still icy but suspect it will go out soon. The bay hardly has any ice except the shore. I'm pretty sure by the end of next week everything should be thawed .

We where coming home from grocery shopping yesterday and I seen a sign of spring. The beavers and geese in a creek doing what they do. It was so majestic to me. I forgot about having to take all the bags in the house. Nothing like geese to tell you winter is over. It still amazes me what a mild winter we have had. The bears should be out anytime also. I don't look forward to that though. Especially, since the dogs tore up trash all over the yard and I'm still picking it up. They made such a mess. My back doesn't bend like it should and my shoulders still hurt and flair up every time I over do myself. I have been doing a lot of stretching everyday to have my hurt just hurt moderately. I really think when my grayness goes out the window to what ever mood is in store for me which generally is mania this time of year . I have a lot of DVDs on Yoga. I need movement.

I haven't moved off the couch most of the winter. I see spring and think oh I'm going to be active again. I have gained weigh and it is time to take it off. It is time to shed everything and slowly getting back to me.

Grey

I don't know where to start. I haven't blogged for awhile so I thought I would post. I'm burnt out with blogging. I have been thinking a little about giving it up and going another direction with it. Who knows. I have been having writer's block also. Plus a lot of bad attitude about who in the hell cares anyway because i sure don't. My attitude isn't good at the moment and I'm not all that positive lately. Life is so-so though. I'm still trying to dig my way out of my pit of depression. That is odd in it's self because I generally starr feeling better this time of year. I don't know what is up with that. I have been cranky and irritable so maybe I'm coming back alive.

I feel like I need to go back to my SAD lamp. It has the problem of making me a little to lively or mixed but it would help push the mood a little in the right direction so i will probably start today. I need some motivation and that would help tremendously with the who cares attitude. I need to give a shit but don't. I just wait till my mood gets better and it will but don't have time to have it get better. I might be waiting to long. I don't feel like hibernating anymore but don't have the motivation to get out of my cozy cave. I'm though going to a theatrical production tonight . It is a move in the right direction. I'm just afraid it will over stimulate me. I don't need to be overstimulated either .
Everything is a delicate balance. I also long for some inspiration or passion it just makes life a little easier.