Good Stress VS Bad Stress

It is early morning.(4ish) I have been up since about 1am. I went to bed very early yesterday about 6. it was so perfect going to bed so early. I have been extremely tired and stressed out this past week. I pretty much said I had enough stress yesterday and said I would give myself two very lazy anything goes days . No structure , no schedule, no nothing except what I want to do. It is perfect. I have had so much anxiety and nervous energy it was making me very scattered. The stress started to make me have a ton of nausea.

Some of the stress has been good stress but none the less stress. Had the contractor come out for the estimate for the remodel of the bathroom and kitchen. Will hear back with a detailed estimate, time frame , plan of action, etc. A ton of work there. It makes me nervous about the prospect about the cost. Thousands of dollars and I want it right and I have to pick out what I want. I tend to second guess my self. I want it perfect as I will probably live with the results for the rest of my life. Then part of me really doesn't give a crap as long as it is fixed and clean looking. It doesn't have to be fancy but functioning. It is so not functioning at the moment because everything is busted and falling apart in bad shape. So anything is better attitude. I really don't want trendy either. As, I have trendy early 70's which is hideous in the kitchen. Oh it is an eyesore. Plain you can always work with and doesn't go out of style. I like many things with a classic look and will probably try to build on that.

Been working on the decluttering. J has actually removed a whole wardrobe of clothes to give me closet space. The shaming did work even though I feel awful about it. But like one friend who knows about the situation said J deserved it and a long time coming. The whole fixing everything in the house has sparked a fire under J and it really is wonderful. The negative in me wonders how long it will last though. The whole clearing and cleaning is a ton of hard work and stressful to be honest. I still have a ton to do. Even embarrassed my self letting the cable guy and the contractor in with two big piles I was working on in the living room. It seems to organize and clear you can make a bigger mess. I'm hopeful that things will have a place.

Made the decision also to buy home gym equipment. Made me gag how much sturdy commerical grade gym equipment cost. Bought a treadmill and a spin bike. Now to clear room for it. Major purchases give me the sweats . I look at it as saving money as the gym membership here is 65 bucks a month. The gym has worn out equipment and is very over priced. I'm also more likely to work out in the morning before a gym is even open. I can work out in my pjs. Also, not likely to walk or run in the winter here as it is real damn cold and has very snowy periods and snow squalls from the lake effect. Not my cup of tea. I will more get outside when winter settles and make an effort this year to do more winter sports I love.

I also went to the eye doctor this week. Looking at my eyes and having a scan of my eye revealed a blood clot in the blood vessel in my eye. I don't know what to make of it. He was real vague. Kept asking if I was diabetic. Not that I know of. I have been stuck and jabbed most of the year. I think I would know if I was. Who knows but with that he is contacting my doctor to do more test and treatment and will learn more this coming month. Oh and wants an ultra sound of my neck to see if i have any obstruction to prevent blood flow to my left eye. I really don't know how I feel about this. Still, many unanswered things with this new news. I don't like it I can tell you that.

Sometimes, it feels like one thing after another. I can handle it though. I was just getting used not to have to be a professional patient and all the various test etc. It was a relief when I had many test over this year to restart it again. Oh well. I do have some nice glasses again and see a lot better. I have put a ton of effort and money into taking care of myself this year. Something , I promised myself around New Years. I feel much better doing it also. It hasn't been perfect as I have had times where I haven't this year but over all it is coming a long. Even had a tune-up massage and boy I can feel the difference when I do that. The money thing of taking care of myself bothers me a little though. It is expensive to really take care of yourself. I keep telling myself I'm worth it though.

Enough rambling , babbling and time to close. I can feel another lazy day today. I love those days. Enough time to distress to start another week.