Rant

I have been doing my usual morning routine. Sad lamp etc. I'm finally waking up and just dread the day. I try to go to sleep at night at the earliest time possible to just get the day in.I thought I was depressed but it seems I'm mixed. Meaning :depressed and manic. It is a horrible feeling.

Lately, I have been cleaning and have been on the line of a little obsessive. I was cleaning the windows in side the house and notice the dog really smudged up the outside. I went to clean it. Only problem it was raining so hard . The wind was blowing sideways. I was determined to clean that window. Put on a rain jacket and my shoes and out I went with my cleaning supplies to clean the outside of the windows. I also managed to really clean the kitchen from top to bottom. Very boring. I hate cleaning but it needs to be done,

I was in a funky mood yesterday. I try not to get into it with J but find it impossible not to argue with J lately. It always turns out bad for me because at a drop of a pen J cays and the argument is over. J is just plain lazy and doesn't lift a finger. All J does is watch tv, read and do facebook. I get sick of doing everything. I asked J to go and get something in town because I was busy. The answer was no you have to come with me. That is because J can't get off her lazy ass and walk into the store and get it. I really do everything around the house. Three meals a day, everything. I ask for one simple thing because J is never busy except with facebook or watching the same news feed over and over again. I get anger and you know what the response is. It is going to be a bad day because your being unreasonable with your mood.. My response is it isn't my mood but how you behave thinking Im your servant. J has been milking this sick thing to the max. J has had every test under the moon then some and guess what it is nothing. My theory is J is over medicated. Sick or not I still make dinner and am responsible to get things done. It makes me mad that one person can stick all the work on another person.

I need to figure out how to do something about this situation as I hate all the work heaped on me. In the past I have went on strike but that only hurts me . I still had to clean it up. It doesn't bother J at all to live in squalor either so really if I want a clean home it is all on me. I'm seriously thinking about hiring a cleaning lady twice a month.

What goes up must come down

I`m sitting here drinking my coffee and wondering what to write. It has been awhile since, I have really wrote. I have been manic since probably April or May of this year. I crashed last week sometime. I sleep 12-14 hours a day now. It feels so good to be able to sleep again. It is a relief not to be so hyper anymore.

It is also a relief not to contain my bipolar and hide my moods. It is pretty easy at the moment to be depressed and very mellow. With the depression now , I have started my SAD lamp and started to take vitamin D.

It feels great not to feel compelled to spend money I don`t have. Our mail box was brimming with packages of clothes, movies, games and weird stuff like latch hook rugs and paint by numbers. If you know me I`m not the crafting type. I thought if I could do something with my hands it would calm me down some. The boxes are unopened waiting in my weird logic as something to do this winter.When  I`m bored now or try to stop smoking again. I even tried to stop smoking this summer . It was a disaster. I even thought I would watch one scary movie a day for October. I bought like 15 movies and subscribed to Netflix. I even upped my internet package for the bandwidth. I haven`t watched any Halloween movies really of yet. I`m to tired in the evenings and J just hates my movies. I did though manage to watch a season a season of  Orange is the new Black. I really liked that. That is when our Wii bit the dust. Ordered a new one even though I could just hook the tv up to the computer. Ended up with a new wii that I keep saying I`m going to play the games I have. I have tons of games that I never play but keep saying I`m. Just insert excuse. I ended up hooking the computer up to the tv to watch Youtube. My hdmi cable broke some how and I have to get another one.It broke because it was cheap from some knock off place that sent it to me from Hongkong. I will buy one from a real store this time.

I have been so broke from spending money like it is water and it seems everything needs fixed all at one time. Had to fix the trucks steering and septic tank this month. I`m just happy the psychosis and pressured speech, ideas, etc are at bay. Funny thing , I don`t speak very much anymore. J thinks I'm mad. I had to explain I just have nothing to say. Then J gets it Im not manic talking all the time  about the most mundane things

I`m mildly depressed but have missed so much sleep. I think I`m just catching up. I have done more catching up with the house and my affairs than I have all summer. It feels good to be in a hibernation sort of mood. I even baked bread not that long ago I feel content to hardly do anything.

Green Eggs and Weezie

I rarely mention books on my blog. I would like to tell you about a book I read not that long ago. It is called Green Eggs and Weezie by Cathy Olliffe Webster. It is about a woman that finds out that her husband is cheating on her. She has a bad reaction and ends up in jail for domestic violence. Then it goes through the journey of her piecing back the broken pieces of her life. The book is witty and humorous while tackling  very hard topics of relationships, divorce , and  assault .  I forgot the add how she navigates through the ridiculous criminal justice system.

Cathy also has a blog that I read that is very funny and she is a very gifted writer. Her blog is called Cold Lake Cathy you can find it here : http://muskokariver.blogspot.ca/

Go over and check out her blog then go and buy her book. http://www.amazon.com/Green-Eggs-Weezie-ebook/dp/B00FL7Y27O/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1380901601&sr=8-1&keywords=green+eggs+%26+weezie

Help out a fellow blogger by spending 4 dollars. It  took me an afternoon because it is well written and a page turner.

Update

I'm in a cranky irritable mood. I took down my last post. But for those who read you know a little what has been going on. Yes, I'm still Manic and pretty full blown. Everytime, I say I'm not going to neglect my blog and I do. I have several reason but they are excuses really.

J , has been very sick lately and had to go to the ER about 2 weeks ago maybe 3. It has been a rollercoaster ride with J's health. The thing is she is still very sick and weak. Really don't know what is going on. They possible think she had a mild stroke. Her Blood pressure is all over the place and dangerously high at times. Appointment after appointment.

We had to cancel our yearly vacation also. It was going to be for two weeks at a cabin on an island. I'm very disappointed . I planned this since early spring. The thing is she just doesn't feel well. That is fine but she could of went and let me have a good time. Did I mention that the earth revolves around J. All, I have been doing is waiting on J hand and foot for sometime now and it has got worse.

Right before J got sick I told J I really was seriously thinking about a split or divorce. That I was tired of a sexless marriage and a no touch period relationship. I thought we have became room-mates with me not even having much rights. I still consider J my best friend but after 10 years I'm tired of giving every ounce of me and not getting much in return. I also don't want to be someones caretaker and maid.


J said she would do better but I don't see it. It is pretty lousy to leave a sick person so I'm holding off. I might not leave but we sure do have a lot to sort out if I'm staying.

My irritability is been off the charts and so has been my anxiety at times. It doesn't help that I'm probaly going through a mid life crisis either where I just want to get back to who I once was and I'm really examining my life . What I want and what I certainly can't tolerate.

I have totally lost myself in the past 5 years. I have became reclusive . I have hardly any friends in the town I live in. Believe it or not at one time in my life I was social. My mother the other day said it was like I totally dropped out of society in the past 5 years by moving to Canada. That I let myself become a broken person. I was a little irritated by what she said but it is the truth. My only avenue of anything social has became the computer. (facebook,twitter,blogging and texting) I haven't let anyone in , in a very long time. I have started lately to let people get to know me a little. I have also been more open with my family about what is going on. It is a step.

On a brighter note some of my manic symptoms are going away slowly.

Coming Out Of My Cave

I haven't wrote in two months. So much has happened and not . Some of the past month has been so stagnant. I have been in a dark anxiety ridden mixed mood. It is passing and I'm more or less a little depressed. I'm slowly digging out of my hole.

I have neglected so much in the past two months. I have neglected to really live life and have been just struggling. Every once in awhile I will get a little energy and do daily living and actually feel decent then the overwhelming facts of what a disaster my life hits and I get depressed and feel defeated.

I don't always like going on about the negative and feel whiny even if that is how I feel. I have been very negative and don't want to be a downer.  .Then I remember this is my journal and I can vent as much as I want. I really seem to need to get many things out . My walls have been built up high in the past two months and really haven't shared anything with anyone. I stuff my feelings like big heavy bricks inside me.

My last post was about my plumbing. The update on that is that it is the Septic tank line that needed to be repaired. Still waiting on that repair. The company is busy but so far they did a quick fix to keep it going until they can dig up the yard. Bills have been tight and seems very overwhelming.

Happier news we go see Whoopi  Friday. I booked that trip in the winter. We will be gone one night to see the show and go to the Casino. Not much of a gambler. I usually play about 40 dollars. Casinos trigger something in me. I get real overwhelmed by all the colors and sounds etc. It makes me hyper and I never stay very long. I do like all the different nice restaurant they have at this casino and like seeing a show. Pathetic thing is the show starts at 9pm and I'm generally in bed at that time.We are going to board the dogs . This is the first time they are getting boarded. We used to board our other dogs but we are trying a new approach of a cage free home environment which is more like a camp with activities. One of our dogs used to go for a hour a day at this camp for some socialization as she is down right mental.

Talking about mental dog. Daisy is who I'm talking about. She has really bad social anxiety. We are going to put her on medication for two months and retrain her. The sedative effect should work on her nerves and then just over exposure is suppose to work. Maybe, I can talk to the vet and she can put me on the same sedative and retrain me(lol) I have committed to helping the dog with her issues. I worked some with her this past 4 days when we went to visit in-laws. A little better but her anxiety makes her a hysterical barking mess when she sees people. She is getting just a little better at ignoring stimuli with me on her ass every two seconds flipping her leash and harness with a firm No. Never had a dog with anxiety issues and this is new for me. But I have had a bad dog before that taught me a lot of what to do and what not to do. This dog isn't really a bad dog but has a mental illness.  She gets so caught up with her anxiety she can't think straight and it just balloons into a mass panic attack. Just like people.

 The puppy is now 6 months old. She is still a runt. She is such a normal dog and a delight. The dogs are like night and day. Alice reminds me of what a Golden should be in temperament and attitude. Alice is the smaller one chasing Daisy. They are light in color because they are English Golden Retrievers. I love talking about my dogs as they really make me very happy. They are one of the most positive things in my life and get me out of bed every morning.  I will wrap up and make an effort for myself to write more and not retreat in my cave.

I just need to vent! or bitch!

I'm so something right now. I guess the word is fed up. We have been having a slow running drain. So, I decided in my wisdom to do deal with it on a Good Friday when everything is closed until probably Tuesday. Four boxes of baking soda, several hours of this and Drano and the drains are real messed the f%k up. Flush the toilet now and it backs in the shower. Drain the tub the toilet bubbles. Run the kitchen sink and it is the only thing that drains slowly. I'm literally up shit creek.

While, I'm sweating my butt off with boiling kettles of water and various chemicals J is just happily clicking away of facebook. I say could you getting the fecking dogs out of my way. They are going to get burned by boiling water. Could you possible maybe give me a hand. Oh hell no. The problem is every problem in this house is my problem. Because insert excuse J has . I'm tired and pmsing like nobodies business. Which just makes me more vocal.    J has also been manic as hell. Mouthy out in public . I deal with it by saying please stay in the car. Or go find somewhere to seat out of the publics way. It is embarrassing when a person has no filters out in public and says rude things about children and etc. Even if it is valid which it is most people only have bubble thoughts it doesn't actually come out of their mouths. Top that off with J cutting back smoking which probably triggered this wonderful mood. J has took up a government programme to stop smoking . It last 6 months. It is moving slowly. If I say anything negative about this , I'm not being supportive. So, I keep it to myself. The problem is I have to keep everything to myself. It just stresses J out to hear money problems   , any problem  really. The puppy is also my problem also. The puppy really bonded to me so the excuse is I don't have to do anything because that dog choose you. It is both our dog and both our responsibility.

As, you can see it is just one fight after another lately. I need a vacation away from everybody . I need a break from J also. Will I get one. No. I'm trying to work on an idea to send J to visit J's parents. Leave me for a couple of days to deal with that mess also. It wouldn't be until next month though. It also doesn't help that we are going to probably have to pay for a plumbing problem again. I have so had it with our plumbing and water problems. I think I should own stock in the plumbers company. Over the past 5 years we have replaced a whole water system, all pipes in the bathroom , kitchen also winter related freezing problems in the pump house with busted pipes. Had the whole backyard dug up last year for a busted pipe. That was fun having a backhoe in the backyard and had the whole line dug up. I can hear myself growling in my head. It is like a plumbing gremlin. To be fair everything was real old and just happened to go at a fairly steady rate. No upgrades have been made in 20-25 years.  It doesn't feel any better though having to fork the money out at a fairly steady rate though. It just seems in the past 6-7 years everything has went at once. Get out of one jam get into another. It is just life though. I tell myself that to make it feel better. But really it is just life. Sometimes, life really sucks and isn't fair. The thing is I deal with it and move on. I just was hoping to have an incident free spring.

Pyscho

The other night I was contacted from a close friend that vanished for a year. I had no reason why she vanished. She changed her phone number multiple times. Vanished completely from the Internet . I managed to fin her husbands facebook but would get one or two cryptic messages. I just totally wrote her off and wondered what I could of said or done wrong to end this relationship.

I didn't count on she went off her meds started drining and became psychotic. When I talked to her the other night she was out of it. Talking she was in the CIA and FBI and other things. It made no sense. I talked to her for several hours and she was just so incoherent . It was so circular going round and round. I went with the illogical for 2 hours an finally had enough. I had to go to bed it was 1:00 am way past my bedtime. I was not getting anywhere and finally called her out on not taking care of herself and drinking. I haven't heard from her sense .

I'm not said about it either. I don't care if you take no meds or if you do. You have to take care of yourself and not get to that babbling point. I have been to the babbling point but not with anyone except J and personally the only person I will take to the babbling point also is J. I'm so sorry this person trust no one at all. That is a very sad point. I have always trusted J at my worst and J the same. You have to trust one person when your mental ill and someone that can be subjective. Someone that isn't the enemy. This person is so remote to me and now I'm her enemy  even threatening me because I said in a nice way that she had a chemical imbalance and didn't say insane which I thought. I will probably be stalked. Oh wonderful.