Coming out of my Cave

I have been pretty anti-social and not very much on communicating since about sometime in June. If it wasn't for facebook or twitter I wouldn't communicate to people at all.  I have been in a mixed mood. For those that don't know what that is .... It is depression and mania at once. The weird thing about this go of it is that I have been productive. I have managed to dejunk a lot of the house.
To be exact 2,600 pounds of junk. I hate clutter but J likes clutter. J calls it collecting . I call it hoarding. It has took me years to finally get this shit out of the house. The house still needs more junk out but I can live with this. I have been making everything have a place and been organizing since it is just way easier to clean that way and to deal with. Clutter=chaos to me. I have never lived in a cluttered home until J and that has been full time this 4 years as before we travelled back and forth and lived in two countries. I just didn't deal with J's junk and about every three months I went back to my home. Before that I just lived here during the summer and J would live in the states in the winter. Well, it finally had to be dealt with after 10 years in a relationship but got evaded at every conversation about it etc.  I got a big bin and pitched it . If I would of gave it away it would still be here. I needed rid of it. Worked for months babying the crap out to the bin as I just didn't pitch it I made J deal with it and let it go. I think bathing a cat would be easier.

I have been dealing with cleaning and organization for several months now as I go to shit in the winter and need everything in order for it. I'm planning for my major seasonal depression. I haven't had much fun either this summer as I have been super broke paying off bills and debt. Which leaves no money to have fun. Next month will improve as the debt has been dealt with. We will finally have a vacation after not having one for about 3 years. I also started to jog again after my hip was bothering me. I can't afford massage therapy and don't want to hurt so exercise was forced on me. It has been a good thing. A friend also sent a link to some Yoga sight on You-tube. Ekhart Yoga. It is the best. I have been doing it for like 4 days everyday and plan on to keep doing everyday. I was so tight everywhere and right now I'm pretty sore as my muscles loosen up. I didn't realize how tight I was because I live in chronic pain with my shoulders and back. I don't know how long I will keep exercising as I go on and off it but I do feel better jogging and doing yoga. I also plan on the last little bit of summer to swim. I have no excuse why I haven't been swimming as the lake is in my backyard. I just haven't felt like it . I have went a couple of times. Believe it or not I use the excuse it has been to hot. (haha) Most of all I have been busy in my head. I also been busy with problems with J. That is another blog into it's self as J has been drinking again and now is detoxing.
I have to take care of myself and my moods which have been put on the back burner for awhile now. I want to start having fun again. I look forward to my vacation next month. I look forward to using some of the things I rediscovered de cluttering.  Being broke has been good in the part I found that I use more of the things I have around the house and became more handy in the kitchen . I eat a lot healthier not going to the grocery store as much. I'm also back to drinking water all the time and feeling better. I got off the soda last year just to get back on it again. Now I'm off it again. No junk food either as I haven't been able to afford it and have to make everything by scratch. It has been good. We also had a complete fire ban. Which means no bbqing . It has ended and I can enjoy what I enjoy so much in the summer cooking out. I do look forward to the fall though which is soon for us. I like cooler temps and have hated this very hot summer.
Hopefully, I will be updating more lately and commenting on more blogs. I have been reading peoples blogs but just haven't had much to say.

Rambles of the past month

Life is getting back to some sort of normal for me. It has been a long month with many changes. I haven't really felt like blogging. Why I really don't know. We have had our bathroom gutted and a lot of kitchen torn out also. It was suppose to take a week and ended up taking 17 days. 15 of those days we had to live in a shitty motel room. We managed to encounter many problems that we didn't know that existed with this house and ran way over budget fixing things like electrical and serious plumbing. It was like one of those nightmare remodel shows that they show you what someone else tried to screw you on and encounter big problems trying to fix it. Anyway, I managed to get real depressed during this time with mounds of anxiety. I think part of the reason was eating a horrible diet full of processed fast food and frozen or canned crap at the motel. At the end I found a electric skillet and a mini crock pot and ended up fixing way healthier options and could feel the difference in energy and over all feeling a little better.

It still wasn't home and we had to walk and take out two very unruly dogs and hope we didn't let the cat who was pissed off out the motel room door also in every kind of weather you can think of. One day snow storms next day sleet, then after that tons of rain. Not a very happy camper when I was suppose to smoke out side with this shit also. After a couple of days probably four I had it . I was a raging bitch for my nicotine. I broke down and started to smoke in the comforts of the room. I probably would of thought different if it was a decent place with decent people owning it. We didn't get our room cleaned in the 15 days we where there. I ended up cleaning it better than when we rented it. That dive was the cheapest in the area to rent at about 70 a day with animals which ended up costing about a thousand for 15 days. The place truly was out of the twilight zone and the people where super weird. It made me feel pretty damn sane. That is really something when a lot of people consider me eccentric and a little off

The old dog seemed to like it and loves the cold weather now. Seems to have went into a sort of remission. I'm very confused why he is still alive and doing OK for now. That can turn tomorrow. I'm just thankful he made it through x-mas and probably to the new year. It buys a little time which I need. Life has been seriously chaotic and I don't need that right now. Still having to wake up in the middle of the night to let him out. J has done it the majority of a year now taking him out in the middle of the night. Not to bad if you can just send him out and go back to sleep when he is done. But a real pain having to put on all your winter clothes and boots chain him and walk around for 10 minutes so he can find the perfect spot. He is real picky about his bathroom habits and makes you want to rage at the poor animal when your freezing your ass off in the pitch dark.
He knows when we get at the end of our ropes with him and then hurried up. Thank god we are home now and it is as easy as just opening up the door for him so he can take his sweet loving time.

My shoulders and back acted up pretty badly from all the moving I was doing getting everything out of the kitchen and bathroom and just general stuff I purged from the house since we had a huge dumpster. Ended up firing my old massage therapist because she basically worked when she wanted to and was just a serious flake. Ended up with a better assessment of my shoulder and back. It seems which I knew a little already was my accident that broke a collar bone was acting up. The scar tissue seems to be pulling everything to my right side making my left shoulder hurt. Some how my back muscles are twisted also. Never really figured out what I do to cause that but it hurts. I wasn't able to lift my arms over my head. I had two massages and it seems to release probably the rotar cuff and what ever tight muscle. She was talking muscles and everything else showing it to me on a chart and it was all Greek to me. But I really did appreciate trying to explain things to me and taking me more serious and just not taking my money and doing a half ass job. She was a real positive person and it really made a difference getting the massage also and not having to listen to negative politics that I don't agree with like the other one did. I like relaxing and not talking. It showed me how my needs where not being took into consideration by the other one. It is hard for me to be objective about dysfunctional people or even see I'm around them because I tolerate a lot of stuff from people. It wasn't until I got angry I changed. Have wanted to for along time and even stopped going to massage. I also thought it was wonderful she suggested basic yoga to stretch all the muscles that hurt me as away of helping and managing the muscle pain. Also showed me stretches for the shoulders that hurt but it hurts worse not to do them. I'm sure exercise will help with my mood as it always has in the past. I was way more active this summer and seen how inactive I have became already this winter. I will have to change that to survive winter this year.

I have been so sick over the holidays with some sort of flu. I'm pretty sure being ran down and handing a lot of stress it was probably pretty easy to pick up something. I have been just sleeping and eating healthy to make it go away. Some good all in one flu pills help mask the symptoms some. I'm feeling a lot better but still probably have a couple of days to get back to normal. I look forward to this new year and putting the old one behind. I hope to be updating more .