Coming out of my Cave

I have been pretty anti-social and not very much on communicating since about sometime in June. If it wasn't for facebook or twitter I wouldn't communicate to people at all.  I have been in a mixed mood. For those that don't know what that is .... It is depression and mania at once. The weird thing about this go of it is that I have been productive. I have managed to dejunk a lot of the house.
To be exact 2,600 pounds of junk. I hate clutter but J likes clutter. J calls it collecting . I call it hoarding. It has took me years to finally get this shit out of the house. The house still needs more junk out but I can live with this. I have been making everything have a place and been organizing since it is just way easier to clean that way and to deal with. Clutter=chaos to me. I have never lived in a cluttered home until J and that has been full time this 4 years as before we travelled back and forth and lived in two countries. I just didn't deal with J's junk and about every three months I went back to my home. Before that I just lived here during the summer and J would live in the states in the winter. Well, it finally had to be dealt with after 10 years in a relationship but got evaded at every conversation about it etc.  I got a big bin and pitched it . If I would of gave it away it would still be here. I needed rid of it. Worked for months babying the crap out to the bin as I just didn't pitch it I made J deal with it and let it go. I think bathing a cat would be easier.

I have been dealing with cleaning and organization for several months now as I go to shit in the winter and need everything in order for it. I'm planning for my major seasonal depression. I haven't had much fun either this summer as I have been super broke paying off bills and debt. Which leaves no money to have fun. Next month will improve as the debt has been dealt with. We will finally have a vacation after not having one for about 3 years. I also started to jog again after my hip was bothering me. I can't afford massage therapy and don't want to hurt so exercise was forced on me. It has been a good thing. A friend also sent a link to some Yoga sight on You-tube. Ekhart Yoga. It is the best. I have been doing it for like 4 days everyday and plan on to keep doing everyday. I was so tight everywhere and right now I'm pretty sore as my muscles loosen up. I didn't realize how tight I was because I live in chronic pain with my shoulders and back. I don't know how long I will keep exercising as I go on and off it but I do feel better jogging and doing yoga. I also plan on the last little bit of summer to swim. I have no excuse why I haven't been swimming as the lake is in my backyard. I just haven't felt like it . I have went a couple of times. Believe it or not I use the excuse it has been to hot. (haha) Most of all I have been busy in my head. I also been busy with problems with J. That is another blog into it's self as J has been drinking again and now is detoxing.
I have to take care of myself and my moods which have been put on the back burner for awhile now. I want to start having fun again. I look forward to my vacation next month. I look forward to using some of the things I rediscovered de cluttering.  Being broke has been good in the part I found that I use more of the things I have around the house and became more handy in the kitchen . I eat a lot healthier not going to the grocery store as much. I'm also back to drinking water all the time and feeling better. I got off the soda last year just to get back on it again. Now I'm off it again. No junk food either as I haven't been able to afford it and have to make everything by scratch. It has been good. We also had a complete fire ban. Which means no bbqing . It has ended and I can enjoy what I enjoy so much in the summer cooking out. I do look forward to the fall though which is soon for us. I like cooler temps and have hated this very hot summer.
Hopefully, I will be updating more lately and commenting on more blogs. I have been reading peoples blogs but just haven't had much to say.

Random Ramblings

I don't know what direction, i'm going with this entry. One of the reasons I haven't been writing more is my mind is all over the place. It is really hard to pin point it down to one topic. I guess knowing myself... I named this blog ramblings. I'm very capable of rambling from one subject to another. I'm more unfocused today than even yesterday. I'm not really in a bad mood or good mood either. I'm just in a space that is trying to move to something more concrete. I'm caught in a mist of an mixed mood and physical pain. What an interesting mixture. My brain at the moment has a hard time coming up with the words to put down. They fly through my head but trying to really pin point anything is hard at the moment.

Today, is a little harder than most because my shoulder is acting up so is my rhomboid muscle. I guess that muscle holds the scapula together. It can get aggravated by being behind a desk all day or using a computer. I thought I was going to die yesterday getting the trigger point rubbed out yesterday. I had a new therapist yesterday and DAM it HURT. I told her that I could take a lot of pain. Well, I feel beat up today. I could barely tolerate it yesterday. I can take a lot of pain and generally am rewarded by it feeling so much better. I thought she could put me through the table yesterday. I'm a big girl also. Tall,big boned, and somewhat over weight. It is hard to manhandle me. I never was into gentle anyways but after that experiance I could imagine she had a box of whips somewhere. I could barely move this morning. I'm better this afternoon as I have moved around more. I'm back to a heating pad and over the counter muscle relaxers to get some relief. I have drank so much water in the past two days also. I feel like a camel filling up. Actually, I don't mind drinking all this water as I feel much more hydrated than I usually do. I didn't realize that most of the time I would be dyhradated. I just feel a general malasie. I have had a nagging head-ache all day also. It makes me somewhat cranky to be in pain.

I was doing so good with getting things done around the house in the past week also. It has been slow but I have been getting back on track. I will get back on track tomorrow. My body says rest so it is going to be rest. I was feeling so postive yesterday that I actually went to storage and got a few things. I got my snowshoes, breadmaker, and some more winter clothes. I couldn't get the back open on the truck as it was froze shut. I would of got my cross country skies out. I don't think I'm going to be skiing anytime soon but I was hopeful in a week or two. Snowshoeing is basically just walking so I can do that. It is really a low impact exercise but wonderful cardio. It also burns about 400-900 calories. I could use that. I have been sitting on the couch mostly all winter either from my mood or physical pain and I'm going stir crazy being in the house. I also really love photography and haven't took a picture in months. I actually put my little camera in my pocket just in case. That is a good sign to me. Even though I didn't take a picture yesterday. Nothing really caught my eye. I have had little passion for anything in the past year due to mood or personal problems. I find my heart is less broken though so it is good.
The girls birthday was the other day. I cried and moved on. I miss them very much but life goes on. Last year was wrought with so much turmoil and it is finally getting back to somewhat normal. I never made much of a resolution this year but it was to take better care of myself and I'm doing it.

I don't want this post to be a novel so will talk about some of these things later.

Climbing

I couldn't sleep so I thought I would write. My shoulder and neck is hurting. It has hurt pretty bad for hours. Nothing much has gave me relief except trying to stretch it out and some alieve. The alieve gives me bad heart burn. I have scheduled a massage with someone that specializes in sports medicine. She can really manipulate aches and pains pretty well but it is over a week away.

I haven't wrote in awhile. (maybe a little over two weeks). My memory has been bad lately. My head seems so full but it seems I have writers block. I feel like I write about the same ole crap a lot . I hate being negative also. I can feel though that my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is about to make a switch to a more normal mood for me . What ever that is. It is very subjective to most people, whether I ever act normal. That is another blog entry. i caught myself thinking about going ice skating, cross country skiing and snow shoeing. I haven't thought about my hobbys since November. It really is a glimmer of hope. I even played in the snow with the dogs. It is a small impoverment .

I still live in my head a lot and it is improving some. I'm not isolating as badly and keeping everything to myself . I do have to limit my time reading it has became obessive . I can spend endless hours reading anything. I think it has to do with living in my head so much and it is easier than having to deal with life.

One thing I was thinking about this year is I want to do more with my blog. I have been lacking so much with posting. The last time I checked my readership is down 249 points. I had a decent year last year with over 50,000 views and with my neglect the readership is dropping. I have just got to the point I haven't wanted to share and frankly I get sick of writing about moods. My life is so much more than my illness.

Off the ladder

I have been a little busy lately. First we went to visit the in-laws for a couple of days. Then I have been gradually trying to get this house in order for my relatives that are coming up from the states. The weather has been very hot and not in my favor. We have no a/c as it doesn't usually get this hot. It has been about 95 but with humidity 100 plus. I took a long awaited dip in the nice refreshing lake. It was actually sort of funny as I was trying to install a boat ladder to the main ladder that goes down to the lake .When I jumped in the water the ladder wouldn't work and I had to swim to the other side of the shore and walk home. I really think we are going to have to break down and buy a dock . I don't mind the heat if I can swim and it is hot enough here to swim every day. Plus it would help me loose much needed weight. The problem is docks are expensive and takes someone to install.
My mood is going better. It is funny how when a mood isn't so low or to high how a person can actually look forward to living life and the puzzle pieces come together . I don't know how long this little normal period will last but I'm happy that I'm more functional.