Free Flow

I started some of my dental extractions yesterday. I'm a little sore and tender. I think the freezing agent they used jacked up my mood a bit. Slept like crap and hardle at all last night. It wasn't all bad as I sat up in silence and just thought a lot. I don't know how silent it was as I could hear all the wildlife outside which was nice. I was in a peaceful frame of mind as the spring peepers didn't drive me nuts with the peeping. Spring peepers are small frogs. They are loud and sound exactly like the name. PEEP, PEEP over and over again. Usually, a ton of them also. In certain moods they keep me awake. I didn't even get nervous with something prowling the backyard bumping into things. I never know if it is a racoon or a blackbear. Usually, the thought of a bear in the spring puts the anxiety in me. I just enjoyed the cool breeze and my thoughts. It has been awhile where I have been up most of the night just thinking and mauling over parts of my life. Not even regretting them or fretting. I didn't write anything down but just let my mind just menader where it wanted to go. I didn't need to remember what I thought just the feelings associated with it and the insights that I recieved getting to the point. My brain can be all over the place even in the best of times. I even confuse myself getting to the points of actual concerete ideas. It isn't really all that important how I arrive at the concerete anymore. I used to anazyle to much in the past. My thinking is pretty ADD. It always has been even when I'm so called "normal". I think myself into a big black hole when I try to be conventional and go by other peoples rules or try to use self help books . I can't remember where I seen this but I once seen something from someone that goes like this. I don't need to be fixed because I'm not broken. I just need to change how I react to things. Which is true for me. I have managed to get through life and survive and overcome many , many things. I don't think that a broken person could survive many things I have experianced. Each sad horrible thing that has happened in my life has taught me how to react and that has been good and bad. I could go on and on about my life of war stories but I don't. The past isn't imporant to me much anymore. Most of the time I have just accepted it and even forgave people. I never forgot though. I learned a lot of lessons on trust, boundaries and most of all acceptance, as it has gave me a more of a free mind.
I don't know where I'm going with this except a free flowing rambling of my mind. I feel introspective and calm. I even stopped taking my darvocet as it was making me feel dizzy and itchy. I just took a few of them yesterday. I rather live with the pain as most pain meds make me sick. It was nice though to take the edge of though. It also makes me dig very deep in myself to be annoyed with nagging dull pain . Pain also makes my thoughts all over the place. Yesterday, I had a migraine, shoulder pain and mouth pain. Today, I have a dull pain in different various places. I'm taking nothing. Sometimes, I just accept I feel like crap and can't do much. My body is saying to relax. I can live with dull pain even if it wears me out. It is much better than agonizing pain which I can't take for any lengths of time. My wandering mind helps with all the distractions in this time and actually helps me deal with not focusing on anything. Sometimes, I need to go to my happy place. My happy place is basically just shutting down into a void of all thought. I don't know exactly what it is or how I achieve it. It is a nice place to escape though in times of physical pain.
Going to go lay down for awhile and achieve nothing today. I'm fine with it though.

Ouch

This entry is going to be short. I have been in a lot of physical pain lately. My shoulder is acting up leaving me pretty much tired and cranky. I have been in acute pain for a little over a week. Now it is just nagging chronic pain. It is getting better. I have been going to someone who is a massage therapist that specializes in Sports Medicine injuries. I have got little sleep in two weeks with the pain. It is getting better though with the treatments and I'm up to about 4 hours straight last night.
I have had a full day of trying to live. Living = doing everyday things around the house. Like housework and cooking. I have even made that elusive list of things I want to work on. Way different than I planned on doing but works with my flair up of my shoulder. I have this real funny feeling that this injury is going to last awhile and I will have to do things differently for awhile. It will not be a short rehab of the shoulder area. I will get more into the shoulder in a later post. But it is pretty broken down this time. I'm being very proactive this time around about it. I'm proud to say I haven't had to break down YET with taking pain pills. It is very tempting but really a short term fix for the problem. So far I have been able to deal with it. When I can't I will opt for narcotics. I really don't wannt to as I'm prone to addiction. So far I have though found something that has been short of a miracle for me that it does make the pain bareable. It is called Biofreeze. It isn't a cure all but helps more than anything over the counter. Physical Therapist use it. Others that use it are Sports trainers, Chiropracters, Massage therapist. They also use it to take ultra-sounds for things that need to be manipulated . It helps with the pain.
I will try to write tomorrow and discuss some of the things that are going on in my life and some of my new outlooks.

Climbing

I couldn't sleep so I thought I would write. My shoulder and neck is hurting. It has hurt pretty bad for hours. Nothing much has gave me relief except trying to stretch it out and some alieve. The alieve gives me bad heart burn. I have scheduled a massage with someone that specializes in sports medicine. She can really manipulate aches and pains pretty well but it is over a week away.

I haven't wrote in awhile. (maybe a little over two weeks). My memory has been bad lately. My head seems so full but it seems I have writers block. I feel like I write about the same ole crap a lot . I hate being negative also. I can feel though that my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is about to make a switch to a more normal mood for me . What ever that is. It is very subjective to most people, whether I ever act normal. That is another blog entry. i caught myself thinking about going ice skating, cross country skiing and snow shoeing. I haven't thought about my hobbys since November. It really is a glimmer of hope. I even played in the snow with the dogs. It is a small impoverment .

I still live in my head a lot and it is improving some. I'm not isolating as badly and keeping everything to myself . I do have to limit my time reading it has became obessive . I can spend endless hours reading anything. I think it has to do with living in my head so much and it is easier than having to deal with life.

One thing I was thinking about this year is I want to do more with my blog. I have been lacking so much with posting. The last time I checked my readership is down 249 points. I had a decent year last year with over 50,000 views and with my neglect the readership is dropping. I have just got to the point I haven't wanted to share and frankly I get sick of writing about moods. My life is so much more than my illness.