Coming out of my Cave

I have been pretty anti-social and not very much on communicating since about sometime in June. If it wasn't for facebook or twitter I wouldn't communicate to people at all.  I have been in a mixed mood. For those that don't know what that is .... It is depression and mania at once. The weird thing about this go of it is that I have been productive. I have managed to dejunk a lot of the house.
To be exact 2,600 pounds of junk. I hate clutter but J likes clutter. J calls it collecting . I call it hoarding. It has took me years to finally get this shit out of the house. The house still needs more junk out but I can live with this. I have been making everything have a place and been organizing since it is just way easier to clean that way and to deal with. Clutter=chaos to me. I have never lived in a cluttered home until J and that has been full time this 4 years as before we travelled back and forth and lived in two countries. I just didn't deal with J's junk and about every three months I went back to my home. Before that I just lived here during the summer and J would live in the states in the winter. Well, it finally had to be dealt with after 10 years in a relationship but got evaded at every conversation about it etc.  I got a big bin and pitched it . If I would of gave it away it would still be here. I needed rid of it. Worked for months babying the crap out to the bin as I just didn't pitch it I made J deal with it and let it go. I think bathing a cat would be easier.

I have been dealing with cleaning and organization for several months now as I go to shit in the winter and need everything in order for it. I'm planning for my major seasonal depression. I haven't had much fun either this summer as I have been super broke paying off bills and debt. Which leaves no money to have fun. Next month will improve as the debt has been dealt with. We will finally have a vacation after not having one for about 3 years. I also started to jog again after my hip was bothering me. I can't afford massage therapy and don't want to hurt so exercise was forced on me. It has been a good thing. A friend also sent a link to some Yoga sight on You-tube. Ekhart Yoga. It is the best. I have been doing it for like 4 days everyday and plan on to keep doing everyday. I was so tight everywhere and right now I'm pretty sore as my muscles loosen up. I didn't realize how tight I was because I live in chronic pain with my shoulders and back. I don't know how long I will keep exercising as I go on and off it but I do feel better jogging and doing yoga. I also plan on the last little bit of summer to swim. I have no excuse why I haven't been swimming as the lake is in my backyard. I just haven't felt like it . I have went a couple of times. Believe it or not I use the excuse it has been to hot. (haha) Most of all I have been busy in my head. I also been busy with problems with J. That is another blog into it's self as J has been drinking again and now is detoxing.
I have to take care of myself and my moods which have been put on the back burner for awhile now. I want to start having fun again. I look forward to my vacation next month. I look forward to using some of the things I rediscovered de cluttering.  Being broke has been good in the part I found that I use more of the things I have around the house and became more handy in the kitchen . I eat a lot healthier not going to the grocery store as much. I'm also back to drinking water all the time and feeling better. I got off the soda last year just to get back on it again. Now I'm off it again. No junk food either as I haven't been able to afford it and have to make everything by scratch. It has been good. We also had a complete fire ban. Which means no bbqing . It has ended and I can enjoy what I enjoy so much in the summer cooking out. I do look forward to the fall though which is soon for us. I like cooler temps and have hated this very hot summer.
Hopefully, I will be updating more lately and commenting on more blogs. I have been reading peoples blogs but just haven't had much to say.

Very Irritated-Venting

I'm not very irritated or even angry at the moment but was yesterday. I guess I will have to say what is irritating me. It is J. I should back up and tell you the story. Yesterday, I had to clean the camper out to store for the winter. I have been keeping the majority of my clothes in the camper because I have no room in this house full of J's junk. If you would ask J it wouldn't be junk. I have tried to get J to make room for me over the years but to not much avail. It has been one excuse after another. Everything is precious to J and has a memory associtated with it. I can understand that but what I don't understand is allowing your junk to own you and make you miserable and not making way for a new chapter of your life. I have been coming to our house which was J's at one time for going almost on 10 years. Lived here going on 4 years. It is time to make room for me.
Yesterday, I snapped and posted and tagged J on my personal facebook with the problem of not getting rid of the stuff and making room for me. I guess I was trying to shame J into action. J doesn't care what I think. But J certainly does care what other people think. I have been hearing an ear full since I have done that. But guess what. J cleared out a ton in a wardrobe that I can fit some of my clothes in. Also, J is an artist and I took J's studio and put all my shit in there. You can't even walk in it now until I get room to put my stuff:) I tried the nice way for years to get J to do something with all this disaster in this house to the point I just for the most part accepted that I wasn't ever going to have the house the way I wanted or have any room for my stuff. I can't really stand clutter. I really can't stand a messy house. Our house is messy because of all the stuff in this house. You can't put things away if you are buried in stuff. It makes it harder to clean with a house full of junk. I have managed over the years to get the paper clutter and old magazines out of the house. Broken stuff out of the house etc. Duplicates of many things, manic purchases but not down to the core. It doesn't look like a hoarders house but is still to full of clutter for my taste. I'm not even talking about 5 thousand books that J owns. I will accept that as they are all in a bookcase stored properly but never vacuumed. J has read all those books also. I pick and choice my battles and the books aren't a part of my battle at the moment. When i lived in the states I got rid of all books and found homes for them after I read them except reference books.
In the states, I didn't have clutter. That doesn't mean I never had clutter but I got rid of it and would do a purge every 3 -6 months of stuff that wasn't needed. People really don't need many things and it is also more economical not to stuff your home with junk and trinkets etc. It is easier to clean. Plus in today's world you can almost store everything electronically pictures, music, books, paper work, keepsakes etc.
Being bipolar for me I have to keep the chaos at a minimal. I can't have my home full of chaos and have it hard to clean. This house has about drove me insane for several years. I'm not going back and forth any more. I used to only be able to take 3 months at a time here before I would want to go back to the states to my home. I really miss an ordially environment. Where everything had a place and I don't have to look half a day for something. Or it take me a day to dust. I have bad allergies and this mess doesn't help it. It would also be cheaper because living here I take sinus meds every day.
I'm ready for a battle this fall to get rid of some of this crap. Every time I really go to battle with J I do get some of the crap out of the house. I just cant stand battling for my space it is horrible to get J started. I end up not being to battle that much either before J wears me down with mood and attitude. It is like a 2 year old throwing a tantrum. But a 2 year old doesn't get psychotic. Also, I found you can put your foot down more with a 2 year old and reason with them.
It changes in little bits I tell myself. J isn't even happy with how the house is and is depressed most of the time because J's stuff has took over . It looks like a bachelor pad in this house. Has looked like this for 30 years at this house. It is amazing though what a little public shaming will do to get someone off there ass. A couple years ago I took pictures of the junk and junk piles and sent them to my mother. My parents who are total neat freaks had about a stroke. Well, I told J I sent those pictures and if I was to send a after pics I would need some of the clutter gone. That worked with all the old magazines stacked every where. The thing is our home is small and if we had a bigger home it wouldn't be so bad. We have very limited space and you can't collect everything. I even bought a VCR / DVD copier so I could get rid of all the vcr movies also. Well, I still cant get rid of the vcr movies because J likes the boxes they are in. I managed a lot of them in a storage tub under the table. I still would love to get t he major rack out of here.
I'm just rambling. I mainly feel hostage to the clutter in this house. I still have a storage container with my stuff in it. Will, I ever see my stuff. Probably not. I got rid of the majority of my stuff when I moved but still have a storage container full. Will I probably get rid of most of it. I probably will. I'm just not all that attached to things. I only like things that enhance my life.Things don't matter as much to me after a house fire and not being able to have my things for years living here.
I will get off here and probably have to deal with attitude all day today and passive aggressive behaviour for the next couple of days. It is funny when you push change people fight back and they know your buttons to stop it. I really don't have much to loose pushing for change as my relationship has been rocky for awhile. I care and don't care. I'm tired of this shit. It is really getting to the point I just have really have had it and the clutter in the relationship is just actually a margin of the problem.

Trying to regain balance and energy

My energy zapping things in my life are technology. I waste a lot of time on all mediums of technology. Facebook, Twitter,E-Mail , Surfing the Internet, Television, Blogging, and cell phones. Lately, I have been trying to cut them to a very limited time and get the things that actually need to be done in my life done. I managed to get a lot done today. I'm also a list and a spread sheet junkie. I love to try to manage my life with what isn't working. The saying of Nike Just Do It makes me get more done than ever. When I don't check all my devices I actually get stuff done. I also get fresh air. I managed to get so many things done to day without a list. I managed to winterize for the winter and got almost 99 percent of that done. The snow is no joke in this area and everything freezes solid. I didn't need a list to tell me it is going to rain for the next week and I better get off my ass. I also didn't need a list to tell me to clean up the kitchen or bathroom as I just hate those two things out of order. I learned from a sight the flylady which is a nuisance. If you want to find quick results of cleaning clean those two things and you can quickly see results. I might not being moving on this overwhelming clutter but I sure can see results with other things. Sometimes in life doing what you have to do and what you want to do will get you farther in the domestic realm. My slogan is just to get something done and stop dwelling on things I think I should do. Which I never do anyway. Sometimes just getting anything done is encouraging.
I also notice when I get fresh air I get alot done and fell better. I think humans need air daily and that is hard for some to get. I'm lucky the air I breathe smells so delightful at the moment. I smell the wood burning in the air. At the moment people are clearing trees and firing up their fireplaces. I also smell the earth turning into a graveyard of the seasons changing to the bare bones of nothing at the present moment. Everything is going back into the earth. Also with it raining I smell the dirt which is an actually a nice smell. All the things you can observe if you take time to take the time.