Running into the New Year

I'm sitting here with my SAD lamp on. It works pretty well and pretty fast when I'm struggling with depression. I have to cut back the times on the lamp or it makes me hyper. I really don't need to be hyper. My energy levels have been so low since I have had the flu and other aggravations.

I'm slowly very slowly sorting out the house. I haven't done much as I have been sick. I have had a time of getting my new treadmill that I ordered back in October also. They lead me on for two months then said it was never going to be available. Took the money before shipping or anything else and told me I would have to wait 30 days to get it back. Well, this didn't sit well with me and nicely and assertive I told them they would give me something similar as to the one I ordered since at the time I ordered everything was on sale and now what I want or anything similar wasn't on sale. I was very angry. I looked at the bank account today and the money was back. I called Sears again made them give me a similar product for what I purchased the other one for. I'm happy now. It was driving me nuts when none of it was going right. I have always wanted a treadmill. I really would love to start walking and jogging no matter what the weather is and I think I will actually stick to it every day until it gets a little warmer to do it outdoors. I'm not a big fan of winter running. I also need the stress relief of walking or running when I'm consumed with anxiety. It works faster than a pill.

I'm really looking forward to next year and it can't get here fast enough. I really feel like it is going to be a better year as it is starting to look up already. The chaos of this house will be here for awhile but it now seems not so overwhelming for today. I'm hoping to get something done no matter how little it is.

Updating

I thought I would update this blog with a new entry since I have been not updating in awhile. I have been very busy with life. It might be a short update since blogger is giving me problems. My mood has pretty much leveled out and is getting better. I still have my moments. Life has been a little crazy with all the doctor appointments I have. I have one more appointment left with wearing the ekg holter monitor and I will be done with it. I have worn it twice so far and have to get up at the crack of dawn to give it back. The annoying part is getting up at the crack of dawn to give it back the next day.

I have been exercising a lot lately also. Mostly, swimming and jogging. The jogging is a little bit of a joke. It looks more like fast pace walking. I'm really out of shape and it is just coming back to me. I have not jogged more than a couple of times in the last year due to various reasons. I noticed exercising real helps with my joint and muscle pain. It doesn't feel great at the time but it seems like I have more mobility. I try to exercise at least a half an hour a day now. It helps me emotionally also. It seems to clear some of the cob-webs from my brain and stay more focused. It has been great for anxiety also. I have really been trying to take care of myself.

I also have been hard at work with cleaning and decluttering. I really hate a junked up house and dirty house. To chaotic for me. It is hard to declutter when it isn't your stuff to get rid of. It is J's stuff and it needs to go. I have been getting rid of junk for about 3 years now and barely have even scratched the surface with everything that needs to go. It has been a long process trying to get J on board with getting useless clutter out of here. It is a slow process but it is finally happening more and more. I actually hung some of my art work in the house. I really don't have much of my stuff in this house even though I have lived here for awhile permanently and not off and on. My stuff still occupies a storage locker.

Anyway, I will see if blogger will work at all and I won't loose the little I wrote. I promise I will start to update more.

I have been trying to get it together lately. The other day I spent it taking care of the yard and trying to thicken it with seed and fertilizer. I even planted 45,000 wildflower seeds for shade in part of the back yard that has a lot of shade. I planted everything in the rain. All the racking and what not made my back ache pretty good. I was real emotional that day also so I wonder if my back wasn't worse from having a build up of all this emotional baggage I have. I decided I need a massage so I went for a massage yesterday and she got most of the soreness out and I have felt better. I also got some Chinese chicken noodle soup for the soul. It was a nice lazy relaxing day while it snowed yesterday. It was weird to see pollen and snow on the hood of the truck. .
It has occurred to me I need to take the bull by the horns and slowly get to where I want to be and seating on the couch isn't going to help. I called about scuba diving classes and I'm thinking about that. I will also get my butt back to the gym as it helps the most with my moods and especially with blackfly season going on. I also need to have more patients when it comes to service around here . I'm dying to get the mower back to manicure my lawn to cut down on some of the bugs around here. I have never been religious but I need to get some of my spirituality back that keeps me at peace and do some meditation again. I need some peace of mind as mine is starting to crack some. I really know I need to step it up when my mind starts backfiring. I have been eating more healthy with tons of vegetables, taking vitamins, trying to get out more and hoping to exercise some of that anxiety away. I need to think more positive even though I don't want to but negative thinking has never got me anywhere. Most of all I need to stay busy and not bored. My idle mind gets me into a ton of trouble. Now I will search for things to not keep me so idle and hope this weather cooperates

Moods Come and Go

I have been mild depressed for about 2 weeks and lack motivation to do anything.I have been lucky to force myself even if I don't feel like it. I don't know how long being able to force myself to do something will last but for now at least I can have fun once I force myself.
My ski trip turned out wonderful and I'm glad it was booked or I would of not of went. I did come quickly to the decision that I needed to diet and exercise more than ever when 2 hours totally wiped me out. I would have been much more enjoyable , if I was in a little better shape. I didn't think anything would give me such enjoyment as I was feeling bland and indifferent at the time. I felt overwhelmed with a sense of accomplishment and feeling exhausted in a good way. I have never been downhill skiing until last Tuesday. I was a little fearful and tense as I had it in my mind it was harder than it was and the possibility of injuring myself. I didn't injure myself or was it hard. It was a little hard because of position of being bent . I was using so much of my lower body . (Calf's & Knees)
When I came back home I have been tired. I'm tired emotionally and physically. I decided to go on a diet and start exercising as I really enjoyed skiing and found that I want to do it again next month. I stopped all soda beverages yesterday. My head has been a little fuzzy doing that. I also stopped all unhealthy snack food also. I went grocery shopping about two days ago and only bought healthy options. Mostly, I bought fresh vegetables and picked up some more lean meat at the butchers to supplement what is already in the freezer. I'm not to wild about this but neither am I that wild about being overweight. I decided this is going to be a total lifestyle change as my weight fluctuates like my mood. I hope I can be consistent with this. I know it will take some time and I will probably not be perfect about it all the time. I have yoga DVDs and other DVDs so when I don't want to go out I can still exercise. I'm also doing squats and calf exercises at home everyday.
I just wish I could feel something besides indifferent about it. I guess it is my mood and when I feel the results mentally and physically maybe I will feel better about a better lifestyle. Before, I even decided to do this I felt indifferent except when I was skiing as it was pumping my adrenaline. I'm thinking I need more things to get the excitement level up as that is when I only feel something besides it would be nice to lounge around and numb out on television. I'm going to try to push myself more and find away around this mood. I do know the bright sun has been helping very much lately and we have it forcasted that it will last about two more days. I need to take advantage of it and put off anything else until it is over. I have so much house chores to do sometimes I feel guilty for doing what I probably need to do to take care of myself. I need to get outside and really bask in the sun to get me some much needed vitamin D. Trudge and Trudge over that hump is what I tell myself.

An Odd Feeling

Lately, I have had this odd feeling creep up. I haven't had it in awhile. It is called happiness. It has been an elusive feeling these past couple of years. It is so natural and great. I'm actually grateful for my life at the moment and I have never much liked my life. I can honestly say life is good and my complaints are normal everyday complaints. Which most normal people have instead of something devastating happening .
It is nice to live life and not have many complaints. I think I could get used to being happy. I like enjoying normal life. I do have to give myself a push to do things but I think it is normal. Once I do what I have to do I have such a overwhelming pleasure about getting something done or doing an activity. I need some stimulation in this weird mood. I get it from exercising lately even though I have to force myself to do it. I find playing the Wii helps with exercising and putting me in a good mood. I have more energy when I exercise. I have been making goals which aren't really like me and planning out life. Now I just hope my mood holds up for life to happen. I could get real used to this happiness feeling.

Excess of The Hoilday Season

Christmas morning, I woke up with a sore throat and a swollen gland. I was a little took back as I wanted to enjoy the food. Being sick threw a wretch into my feasting. I ended up doing some more cooking but didn't eat much of it. I still have the fridge stuffed with food.
I really didn't think much of my gluttony till my father called on Boxing day to wish me a happy holiday and to see what I have been up to. When I told him about all the food he promptly reminded me of being a diabetic and the results of diabetes. He should know as he has had two heart-attacks related to being a diabetic. Also, his mother died of kidney failure as a result of not managing her diabetes over a life time. So, I was reminded food does kill you and not exercising does too. I didn't want to be reminded of excess and just wanted to eat and not in moderation either.
I open the fridge now and don't get so much delite now after speaking with him. I remind myself of moderation. I will be not eating the candy either as I don't want to spike my blood sugar and have tingling in my arms and feet , which I have totallied ignored this month.
As soon as I feel a little better, I will get back into managing my weigh and diet. I just feel better mentally and physically, when I watch what I eat and exercise. Diet is so important whether or not you have mental illness or physical illness. I don't want to suffer mood crashes or physical symptoms of excess. Back to being healthier. It is always a battle for me not to go over board with anything, in my life.

Things that help a budget and time

I was sitting down thinking with a cup of coffee about how I was going to structure my day since I'm sort of out of my routine lately. I was also thinking about how I cope with domestic chores . I didn't used to cope with domestic chores at all at one time and hated anything domestic. I was either real domestic with my mood or very anti domestic. I thought I would share some of the things that helped me . One of the things that help me is cooking ahead when I feel better. I cook and freeze just about everything when I'm in a good mood in anticipation when Im going to be busy or in a bad mood. I feel eating healthy is a hard thing to do in society anymore . It seems like everyone is busy or something and doesn't have time to fix a healthy meal. I just try to do it ahead. An example , I ended up not cooking yesterday and had a pot of beans frozen in the freezer. All I had to do is defrost it and there was a base of a meal that I didn't have to think about and it was very good. I also have frozen spaghetti sauce for pasta in the freezer and some homemade chicken and noodle soup in there. I'm running low and think I will try to cook extra this week for when I don't feel like it which is a lot. Another thing you do is save when you cook ahead because you don't eat out another thing is generally the foods you freeze up are cheap on the budget. An example a pot of beans cost about 1.00 for probably 2 huge meals for a family or 8 meals for 2 people.

Making list before you go to the store helps from impulse buying and also stocking food makes you make less frequent trips to the store. I really don't like shopping when I'm in certain moods as I buy to much or Im so scattered I forget what Im there for in the first place. That is why I make a menu of the week and stick to it. I don't have to think except one time and that is planning it. Sometimes, I hate the planning more than the cooking.

Today, sense I put off the grocery store ,I will try to go for a short time because this is the last week-end that is going to be unseasonable warm for the week-end. I look forward to the sun in the sky and the warmish weather this part of Ontario is experiencing. I also look forward to next week where it will be cooler but sunny. I like just about any weather that has some sun in it. I want to start the routine of walking more before winter snow. I also want to inquire about the gym next week and get a exercise routine going on when the weather is to cool to walk and jog. I know walking and jogging really help me in many ways .
Back to coffee and more thinking about what I will do on such a nice day .

Anxiety

I have been so full of postive and negative feelings lately. I have also been full of anxiety. The crippling stuff that wants me to just not do anything. I tell myself I'm overwhelmed because of all I have to do. Well now I don't have to do anything and Im still anxious. I decided to go jogging in the dreary grey drizzle. It sure does clear my mind for awhile. It is so important that I get some sort of exercise as it has away of clearing out just for awhile the antsy anxiety that burdens me.
I thought I wouldn't need a list for awhile and just go by muddled mind. It isn't working. I do know what I need to get done but sometimes it helps me see it in a concreate level. I know sometimes Im more into the list then the actual things I need to do and never do on the list. Sometimes, though it gives me a starting point and that is what I need when I feel overwhelmed with life. Sometimes, I just start with what is the easiest and it gives me confidence that I will get more done and it builds on it's self. Sometimes, I just need to take a break from all the crap in my life .
Today, Im going to be gentle with myself and just focus on myself. I haven't focused on myself for so long that I tend to forget my needs. My need to do something fun is great. My need to do something to escape is great. Maybe, I will just grab a book today and hopefully it will clear enough for another jog to clear out the cob webs in my brain. I could really use more outside time. I'm also enjoying my music today. I love music and today is going to be a music day and not a TV day. I'm so sick of the stuff on tv . I have to also priotize some of my projects today and hope to finish the media storage system I started to finish last night.