SAD Season

This has been a weird month of mostly being depressed for me. This years Seasonal Depression came early as so did the horrible rain and grey has been non-stop for almost the whole month sense I have wrote.

I did manage a vacation this year about this time last month for a week. I would love to say I wasn't depressed but I was. I really made the best of it and it went OK. We went up north for a week and instead of camping we stayed in a cabin. No phones, TV, or computer. I managed to sneak my satellite radio that half ass got reception. I was so delighted to listen to the CBC almost everyday. Or NPR which is a lot like the CBC in content. I was glad we stayed in a cabin because it was very cool and about rained the whole time. The little cabin only had a wood stove for heat. This is the view out the window. I also managed a few hikes even though my foot is buggered up. I seem to mess up my foot jogging and doing that yoga I was doing. The tendons and ligaments are pretty pooched. It hurt like hell to hike but it was so wonderful to be outside after I have planned this vacation for months and payed a small fortune for it. The thought of not hiking was more depressing than the pain. Here are some pictures from a little walk I had. I guess the pics aren't going in order and I'm to half awake to figure it out right now. But the rough rock shots. I managed to hobble from rock to rock to get out and take some pictures.

I had to really make myself be there for my vacation. I managed and fell into a big black hole when I got home. But one thing the vacation did teach me is I really don't try to fight my moods as I should. I fought hard to have a decent time and I did have a decent time even depressed. As soon as I got home I have got out the SAD light. I would like to say it has cured me but it hasn't. It just has made my depression not as black and I can actually get some things done around the house. It gives me the push to work through it. I'm still using it but have to watch out because like any anti-depressant it can push me into a mixed state or mania.

Ironically, J is pushing mania. It is hard being in two different spectrum's.  J has managed sobriety and getting a life back. I washed my hands of J and when I did J seemed to pull it together. I have my own mood to tend to and even took the attitude if nothing got done in the  house who cares . A week of frozen dinners and me doing nothing made J help out just a little more which in turn helped me get out of my funk just a little. I came to the conclusion I just cant prop both of us up anymore as it is exhausting to me. Sometimes, taking care of myself nothing gets done.

I have been trying to get out more and making myself. I just know if I don't fight real hard I will be in such a horrible place this winter. I just really can't allow myself to go there. I have managed some winters without falling apart but have in the past couple of years fall to hell.

Running into the New Year

I'm sitting here with my SAD lamp on. It works pretty well and pretty fast when I'm struggling with depression. I have to cut back the times on the lamp or it makes me hyper. I really don't need to be hyper. My energy levels have been so low since I have had the flu and other aggravations.

I'm slowly very slowly sorting out the house. I haven't done much as I have been sick. I have had a time of getting my new treadmill that I ordered back in October also. They lead me on for two months then said it was never going to be available. Took the money before shipping or anything else and told me I would have to wait 30 days to get it back. Well, this didn't sit well with me and nicely and assertive I told them they would give me something similar as to the one I ordered since at the time I ordered everything was on sale and now what I want or anything similar wasn't on sale. I was very angry. I looked at the bank account today and the money was back. I called Sears again made them give me a similar product for what I purchased the other one for. I'm happy now. It was driving me nuts when none of it was going right. I have always wanted a treadmill. I really would love to start walking and jogging no matter what the weather is and I think I will actually stick to it every day until it gets a little warmer to do it outdoors. I'm not a big fan of winter running. I also need the stress relief of walking or running when I'm consumed with anxiety. It works faster than a pill.

I'm really looking forward to next year and it can't get here fast enough. I really feel like it is going to be a better year as it is starting to look up already. The chaos of this house will be here for awhile but it now seems not so overwhelming for today. I'm hoping to get something done no matter how little it is.

SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder

Fall rolls around and my mood changes from my predominant mixed mood to plain out depression. I'm not severely depressed at the moment but feel the dark ominous depression moving in. I started my SAD light today. I start around when I can really feel the days get shorter and it has been so gloomy with it raining all the time lately.

I feel like if I wasn't so depressed or mixed at the moment my attitude would be better and I could problem solve better with all the crap that is going on in my life. I have became not only sad as in the emotion but paralyzed to get what I need to get done. I know many things fuel the depression. But without fail I start spiraling down in a depression this time of year into a pit if I'm not proactive leaves me into a major depressive episode. I have to give it my all to make sure I'm not in the snake pit of hell. The vitamins I used to take I have sort of neglected to take in the last couple of months also. I can feel a physical and mood difference. I have been eating like crap lately and need to get back to a very firm diet also which makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Most of all I just need to get off my ass. I can do what I need to do by just making myself do it. Sheer will power on certain days. I feel more depressed when I do nothing at all and allow things to build up and grow. If I manage something everyday with the house and my well being I wont be in such a hole. I tell myself that anyway. Plus , I really have a ton of crap to do.
Bear, made a wonderful comment and it made me think. I need to get back to the bush. That statement to me meant I need to get back to my spirituality. The bush is part of it. I'm not a religious person but sometimes I need my spirituality. I have been so removed from it this year it pains me. I laid in bed last night and prayed to my god. It felt awkward but it did provide some comfort. I know my depression wont go away on it's own but I do need to feel comfort and it feels helpful for me. I need to go look at the awesome glory of the Autumn leaves. Soak up the smell of the earth. Celebrate the changing of seasons and realize everything changes. I change during the seasons and so does the environment. I need to embrace what ever I'm feeling and have the comfort that it changes also. Nothing stays the same.

Observations

I have noticed a few things in the past couple of days. The weather really does affect my mood more than I would like to admit to. The weather also effects my body also. It seems gray and dark weather makes my joints and ailements hurt more. I think I'm just more aware of all my aches and pains.

I have also noticed when the SAD lamp doesn't cause me worse head-aches and higher moods, it does wonders. That is short term though as I can't do the SAD lamp very long as it really will push me over the edge.

I have also noticed I really have to eat balanced meals even though I don't feel like eating 3-4 times a day. Also, eating more frequently never allows my blood sugar to get all screwed up and moody as hell. I also sleep very well when I eat right and I'm not hungry when I go to bed. I don't wake up a million times. Eating right also gives me more energy. I have been back on my vitamins again and they are starting to give me some more energy also. I stopped them because they where upsetting my stomach so much. I really have to eat breakfeast taking vitamins. They still cause stomach distress but not as badly. I found probiotic yogurt helps me immensily with my IBS issues and my stomach isn't as bad off.

I'm back to wanting to be healthy again. I try to be more physical even though it hurts my body. I keep telling myself I won't be where I was physically at one time but in time I might. Years of injuring my body with high risk activities have took a toll on me. I'm looking at kinder hobbies. Can't wait till the weather gets nice and everything drys out for golf season. I have been rehabbing my shoulders nicely and hope to have more range and motion back for golf. I have been working through the pain with my shoulders and back with just doing what I need to do. Even though I have my down days. I still have to do a lot of adominal strenghting for my lower back. I'm at a place physically where I can get back to rowing with weights to strenghten my shoulders now. I'm aching to get physical again as I'm not used to being on the couch for months. It killed me mentally this winter not to be able to do the things I like physically.

I also noticed being more physical helps me deal with my anxiety better. It also helps with anger to just keep moving and doing something very physically demanding. It helps my racing mind too.

Interrupted

One thing that has been bugging me lately is the lack of concentration. It makes things so hard at times. So usually I opt to do brainless manuel tasks in this frame of mind. When it comes to writing it is so hard and I feel like it is all disorganized and jumbled. I just can't have interruptions at all. I got into an argument with J for interrupting me while writing. When writing in this frame of mind , I get distracted and when I'm interrupted I lose my thoughts.

I usually write out in the living room seating on the couch as it is comfortable. It hurts my shoulders and back less. The draw back is interruptions. Here is an example: "Are you chatting?", "Look at that commerical." the list goes on. It is truly annoying trying to write and be interupted. My bubble thoughts are WTF,you know I hardly ever chat and even if I was, why are you interrupting. Or do you really think I give a shit about what the hell is on television? I would be watching tv if I wanted to see it. I never say any of it but I did blow yesterday about getting interrupted as I have told J don't interrupt when I'm writing. If you see my fingers moving be quiet. I did come up with something to help the interruptions. I will now write in the computer room. I have my distractions there but not as many. I told J if you see me in the computer room don't talk to me period. My writing places will get better once we have better weather . I can write in the camper or the shack. The shack is a little building that is just on the cliff on the lake. It is basically a little shelter that is screened from bugs to enjoy the lake on the edge of our property. Frankly, I think it looks like a produce stand. Very functioning though with a bed, table and chair. No electricity though. Which means less distractions.

Talking about distractions, I was writing my pen pal and I wrote four pages. Got distracted many times writing it. It turned out to be crap. I ended up scrapping it. I will have to go back through the letter to pull out the good ideas if they are any. I will start over again and hope it flows better and my ideals are clear and better thought out. I was going to say well thought out. I haven't thought well in awhile. It is coming back slowly and the weather here isn't helping.

The weather is all over the place here. In fact it is snowing today. I want to scream about the snow and lack of sun light. The weather is the weather and I have to deal with it. We had such a nice couple of days last week with warmer temps and bright sun. That didn't last long. Spring is so unpredictable.Back, to winter weather and raining all this coming week. I felt my mood that was starting to even out go the opposite direction to some mixed hell. I brought out the SAD lamp today and hope that it will help when it will be dark, rainy and miserable. It amazes me though going from yard work and gardening to blowing snow again. That was two days ago. I did a lot of yard work and had a ton more to do. My lower back and shoulders really flared up after that though. I'm so sore. I have been getting up and walking like a little old lady. The weather turning has made a lot of my joints hurt. My knee was throbbing yesterday. I didn't even realize my knee hurts as my shoulders take the cake. I just put some biofreeze on and laid down yesterday. It worked. I also had such a throbbing sinus/migraine thing going on yesterday that made me wish I was died. Which brings me to the point if my sinus are acting up why in the hell is it snowing. I like sleeping with the window half open to let the cold air in and can always tell when it is actually spring because it will make me sick as hell with my allergies.

I'm rambling pretty good now and think I will close. I guess I will have to blog more to convey everything I want to say. I don't feel like proof-reading at the moment as it is a chore and I just want to get this out. I haven't been editing post for awhile now. I'm sorry for that as I know it makes it harder to read.

Rat...A...Tat..Tat

I have been pretty busy the last past two days. My mood is climbing. I don't know if I like it or not. I'm getting things done though and that is good. It is my cycle though to start climbling this time of year. I think I gave it an extra push last week with the SAD lamp. It works just like an anti-depressant. Which everyone knows bipolar people should discontinue when it makes you manic or pushes towards mania. It really is a fine line. Just glad I caught it before I totally pushed myself over the edge.

Been trying to work on my triggers also to manage. One of them was to give myself a nice space on facebook without all the negativy on my other one. It is a vicious cycle when I get into negativy because I respond negavtive and aggressive back. Pretty normal for anyone really. Look at the internet, filled with hate with opinions when people answer to a news story or even some blogs out there. Never been subjected to the hate letter thankfully. No one practices tolerance anymore. No one gets the point you don't have to agree and still get along. Example, I'm far from religious or go to church. I would never bash people of any faith though. It might not be for me but I don't make fun of people who go to church and respect them. I'm not conservative but don't bash there views either. It just isn't my cup of tea. They are no more wrong than I'm right. (sorry for the tangent) Anyway, getting away from my other negative facebook lets me avoid this trap of intolerance and negativy. It really isn't an bipolar facebook either. It is just a nice space of fresh air that I can be me. Believe it or not I like to talk about more than how fucked I'm today. I really need to jump onto twitter as I really like to say little blurbs than write all the time. Sort of how I use my facebook.

I'm trying to get this house in order. One of my other triggers in this mood is mess and disorganization. I just can't stand it. I have to have peace and order. A nice safe place. Mess is overwhelming. Even though the mess I have now didn't happen overnight. I trudge through it everyday now for the past week. It has been a little harder though being in pain. I used to be able to tackle it fast but it is taking time now. It makes me a little irritable with myself for letting it get this way and especially J that can't ever take up the slack for me. If I'm down nothing get's done. I have two fold the mess .

Another, thing during this time is to communicate my distress and what bothers me no mater what gets resolved. Or I build up the anger and I don't want to get passive aggressive. I actually don't like that trait in anyone and try my hardest not to do it even though I do at times.

Time, to fix dinner and blog later. Ramble Ramble like a machine gun firing . Poping off like a machine gun.

SAD (Seasonal Effective Disorder)

I thought I would blog while I was doing my light lamp for SAD. The lamp I have is called lamp book elite. The doctor recommended it . I have feel in love with it as it is portable and small. I could even travel with it if I wanted to. I have been using it for about a month and have seen results. The results where slow at first but build over a period of time. Sometimes, I have had to use it two times a day to get optimal results. This time of year in Ontario is dismil and the days are real short. The lack of light causes my mood to spiral into a dark place . It causes me to hardly do anything and that also means take care of myself. Much less any house work.
With the lamp and taking vitamins , I'm gradually becoming myself again and tackling the real messes in this house . Feeling better also means I'm eating healthier meals and taking care of my self. Which is all hard to do when your extremely depressed. I even find myself running with the puppy lately. Sometimes, I lose sight of who I'm when I'm depressed . I'm generally a active , fun person. It is something when your personality is coloured so badly with a mood. I'm just happy that I'm digging myself out of my hole. I will try to expound on getting better because this is just the start of my recovery from depression and SAD.

Back Into The Light

I fill like I have not wrote for a very long time. I have had so much going on in the past three weeks. Some exciting and some stuff not so exciting. I have been sick with something for about the whole time or it seems like it anyway. I have had the flu , cold and some sinus thing going on. I even managed to lose my voice. My mood stays still for the most part. I started a SAD light several weeks ago. I think without it I would even be more depressed than I'm.
Last Friday we got our puppy Daisy. She is a English Golden Retriever. She is 8 weeks old and just full of beans. She is also a very big girl for her age as she already weighs a little over 13lbs. She isn't fat but just BIG for her age. Which means she is into everything. I have been so exhausted since last Friday. I'm just starting to get settled into some sort of routine. We also put a collar on her. She is on a leash going out. For three days she was not on a leash and was like a pinball in the yard. I could hardly catch her she is super fast. We have no physical fence and she can get up to no good real fast. I even twisted my ankle chasing her so she wouldn't go into the swamp. It is a tad cold here right now and didn't want to fish a puppy out of the cold muck.
Lately, I feel so overwhelmed. Part of it is I put everything off till the last minute. I have had tons of things to do around the house and outside and none of it gets done when it should. I was slowly trudging away last week until we got Daisy. Then exhaustion took over. If I could ever get over being sick I think it would help so much.
It is suppose to be sunny for the rest of the week even though it will be cold. I hope I will be able to pick up some final mess out side. It doesn't help that we lived outside this summer and have so much junk. We did finally get the camper put down and winterized. I was using the camper to store all my clothes junk. I still have tons of clothes to wade through stacked nicely in a huge pile in the studio. The work is never ending and I don't know when it will be ever organized as I have lived here full time for almost 2 years. It is way more manageable in some ways though. We both need to get rid of a mound of possessions. Mine are mostly in storage except my mounds of clothes.
I will be blogging more as I'm starting to feel better.