SAD Seasonal Affective Disorder

Fall rolls around and my mood changes from my predominant mixed mood to plain out depression. I'm not severely depressed at the moment but feel the dark ominous depression moving in. I started my SAD light today. I start around when I can really feel the days get shorter and it has been so gloomy with it raining all the time lately.

I feel like if I wasn't so depressed or mixed at the moment my attitude would be better and I could problem solve better with all the crap that is going on in my life. I have became not only sad as in the emotion but paralyzed to get what I need to get done. I know many things fuel the depression. But without fail I start spiraling down in a depression this time of year into a pit if I'm not proactive leaves me into a major depressive episode. I have to give it my all to make sure I'm not in the snake pit of hell. The vitamins I used to take I have sort of neglected to take in the last couple of months also. I can feel a physical and mood difference. I have been eating like crap lately and need to get back to a very firm diet also which makes me feel better physically and emotionally. Most of all I just need to get off my ass. I can do what I need to do by just making myself do it. Sheer will power on certain days. I feel more depressed when I do nothing at all and allow things to build up and grow. If I manage something everyday with the house and my well being I wont be in such a hole. I tell myself that anyway. Plus , I really have a ton of crap to do.
Bear, made a wonderful comment and it made me think. I need to get back to the bush. That statement to me meant I need to get back to my spirituality. The bush is part of it. I'm not a religious person but sometimes I need my spirituality. I have been so removed from it this year it pains me. I laid in bed last night and prayed to my god. It felt awkward but it did provide some comfort. I know my depression wont go away on it's own but I do need to feel comfort and it feels helpful for me. I need to go look at the awesome glory of the Autumn leaves. Soak up the smell of the earth. Celebrate the changing of seasons and realize everything changes. I change during the seasons and so does the environment. I need to embrace what ever I'm feeling and have the comfort that it changes also. Nothing stays the same.

The Beat Goes On

I woke up about an hour ago and I have been checking different social media and catching up on blogs. It has been a whirlwind past couple of days and I'm tired. We have been out of town taking care of J's elderly parents. J's parents are 90. J's mother has Senile Dementia and her father has a hard time getting around. They need to be in a nursing home but won't go. I voice my concerns to J and bite my tongue in front of my in-laws. We took H the mother to get her hair done since it hasn't been done in months and she looked like a homeless person. She ended up in a panic attack at first and didn't want to go. After, we loaded her in the truck she stopped and went calmly and got her hair done. We also did all their shopping and misc around the house. For three days we where consumed by them except at night. The motel had a bar and we went there every night having three drinks until the last night. I was at my wits end and just got roaring drunk. I haven't been drunk in awhile. It made the 5 hour drive home horrible. The drinking has made my mood dull. I really need to come up with something else than drinking when we have to go to Cambridge. One good thing is I haven't much thought about my life in the past couple of days.

I have so much to do before it snows or hits November. I'm still in the process of winterizing. When the sun is up it is helpful with my mood but it is predicted to rain all next week which is going to be interesting. October is an interesting month for my mood as it is changing like the colours on the trees and blowing all over the place like the wind that cleans the tree's to a barren state. I'm hoping my mood won't bottom out next month. With the grey bare ground and bare trees where it looks like death . My mood gets flat and dead also. It is nice to know what my mood is going to do but it is also sad to know also that I will be so flat . I will try different things but it won't help that much.

Spring

Today, is overcast with the sun trying to peak through. It is like the sun can't make up it's mind and come out of the big clouds. Lately, I can't make up my mind with the littlest task and it seems I'm going in circles because of my lack of concentration not pearing out of the clouds of my mind lately. Just about there like the sun but not fully out and being my brightest. They say it is spring and I haven't sprung forward yet and I'm in a little limbo like the weather not making up it's mind about what to do and what season it's in. Many times my mood reflects the seasons and the change. I feel like this is the season of limbo before things come out and grow out of the dead ground. I feel like a tiny crouscous or a daffodil trying to come out but not maturing yet to my full bloom. Trying to find the warmth and the sun to nuture it . I feel completely in limbo lately. I just can't get it together to connect the dots or form a structured rountine lately. I don't know what to blame it on but I just wish it will pass and I know it will. I hate list but I know I'm going to have to make one and actually do what needs to get done. Everything is a mess and the house is driving me crazy and needs a good cleaning. My head needs a good spring cleaning also.

Rollercoaster

I haven't blogged in awhile. I either have been manic,skiing or had the bug. I have been sick again with some flu bug and I'm actually thank-ful because it drains me emotionally. I have been becoming real manic and spending. I spent a load when we went skiing again. I spent enough to make me sick to my stomach and enough to stop again. I really didn't want to go skiing this time but it was ok. I have had enough till next year. Until then I will start getting involved with the gym again and start working out for golf season. It has been so unseasonable warm and I love it. I have had enough of winter now even though I love it. It is time for a different season for me and my mood will get better also with the change of season. It will level out more and I won't be all over the place. I have been all over the place and can't stay focused on one ideal. I can't connect the dots lately and it is annoying. I'm getting a little better where I can sleep through the night though and it is helping the mania deflat some. I know it will pass like anything else and it is just holding on till it goes.

Sunny Day

I have started my journey getting out of the house and it is such a nice day that I don't want to waste it. It is cold but very sunny and I have needed a day like this. I think it would improve my mood. Also, had to take some meds prn that is like the glue that binds my brain and takes the ants out of my pants. I have alot of errands to run today . I love productive days and I feel today will be one. I dont have anything heavy to do today so it will go good. Then I can start getting ready for my vacation next week and start planning what I will need for next week. I still have laundry to do as I dread that because I have to go to a laundry mat. It isn't to bad though if I'm in the mood. Everything isn't bad if I'm in the mood for it. I'm starting slowly once again to get in the mood for things and part of it I think is simple is the shining sun and just time for my mood to cycle through. I know it is far from over though and hopefully I wont be took hostage any longer by the mixed mood I have been having.

Vitamins

Today, I bought some more vitamins to throw on the mix of taking a multi-vitamin and a B-complex. I'm going to start getting more Vitamin C that is chewable for flu- season and cold season and Cod liver oil for the impending winter. I don't get any Vitamin D from the sun. I'm hoping to get a lift of mood also as I'm defienct in that area of sun lately with it raining. At the moment I try to get out even for any influence of the sun. It is dreary with all the greyness but it does help my mood to take some sort of walk and to get out period. It is harder when it rains all the time but not to make excuses their is some breaks in the rain even though it is never enough and the muck of mud is all around. It isn't that pretty outside either as everything is bare naked also and the ground is all dead. November until it snows can be one of the worst months around here as it is known for it's grey sky and nothing ascetic to the eye. Nature is doing her thing and pretty soon hopefully with Day light savings it will be a little better with how fast it gets dark and gain an hour. What are you going to do with you extra hour?