Random Ramblings

I don't know what direction, i'm going with this entry. One of the reasons I haven't been writing more is my mind is all over the place. It is really hard to pin point it down to one topic. I guess knowing myself... I named this blog ramblings. I'm very capable of rambling from one subject to another. I'm more unfocused today than even yesterday. I'm not really in a bad mood or good mood either. I'm just in a space that is trying to move to something more concrete. I'm caught in a mist of an mixed mood and physical pain. What an interesting mixture. My brain at the moment has a hard time coming up with the words to put down. They fly through my head but trying to really pin point anything is hard at the moment.

Today, is a little harder than most because my shoulder is acting up so is my rhomboid muscle. I guess that muscle holds the scapula together. It can get aggravated by being behind a desk all day or using a computer. I thought I was going to die yesterday getting the trigger point rubbed out yesterday. I had a new therapist yesterday and DAM it HURT. I told her that I could take a lot of pain. Well, I feel beat up today. I could barely tolerate it yesterday. I can take a lot of pain and generally am rewarded by it feeling so much better. I thought she could put me through the table yesterday. I'm a big girl also. Tall,big boned, and somewhat over weight. It is hard to manhandle me. I never was into gentle anyways but after that experiance I could imagine she had a box of whips somewhere. I could barely move this morning. I'm better this afternoon as I have moved around more. I'm back to a heating pad and over the counter muscle relaxers to get some relief. I have drank so much water in the past two days also. I feel like a camel filling up. Actually, I don't mind drinking all this water as I feel much more hydrated than I usually do. I didn't realize that most of the time I would be dyhradated. I just feel a general malasie. I have had a nagging head-ache all day also. It makes me somewhat cranky to be in pain.

I was doing so good with getting things done around the house in the past week also. It has been slow but I have been getting back on track. I will get back on track tomorrow. My body says rest so it is going to be rest. I was feeling so postive yesterday that I actually went to storage and got a few things. I got my snowshoes, breadmaker, and some more winter clothes. I couldn't get the back open on the truck as it was froze shut. I would of got my cross country skies out. I don't think I'm going to be skiing anytime soon but I was hopeful in a week or two. Snowshoeing is basically just walking so I can do that. It is really a low impact exercise but wonderful cardio. It also burns about 400-900 calories. I could use that. I have been sitting on the couch mostly all winter either from my mood or physical pain and I'm going stir crazy being in the house. I also really love photography and haven't took a picture in months. I actually put my little camera in my pocket just in case. That is a good sign to me. Even though I didn't take a picture yesterday. Nothing really caught my eye. I have had little passion for anything in the past year due to mood or personal problems. I find my heart is less broken though so it is good.
The girls birthday was the other day. I cried and moved on. I miss them very much but life goes on. Last year was wrought with so much turmoil and it is finally getting back to somewhat normal. I never made much of a resolution this year but it was to take better care of myself and I'm doing it.

I don't want this post to be a novel so will talk about some of these things later.

Happiness

I have been busy with having some fun lately and feeling good. I haven't felt good in along time. My depression is lifting. I still have some fog of depression but generally, I have been feeling good. I don't know what to make of my happiness as I find happiness elusive and hard to hang on to. I feel if I'm happy, the other shoe is going to drop off. I'm learning to go with it though.
I have been pushing myself to find new ways of being happy. Happy for me has been to be active physically lately. I have been snowshoeing and cross country skiing. I especially love snowshoeing. I found I worked hard and had air in my lungs where I never have had cold air before. It felt real good to walk through the snow where most people sink if they try to walk in it. The weather has been so wonderful. It has been sunny and clear for the most part. Yesterday was more breezy and overcast so I was so happy when I didn't waste the wonderful days this past week. I have been gradually getting back to photography also. My pictures that I took weren't the most wonderful but not to bad considering it is very hard for someone that is learning to cross country ski to stand and click at the same time. I'm not very good on the skis. I have away to go. I'm still a little wobbly and cant stride and chew gum at the same time. One of the reasons I didn't fall my first time out was that I didn't want to screw up my cameras that I had strapped to me. My balance has always been not that great and worse on a pair of skinny skis. The thought of busting expensive cameras where enough to keep me up right. I ended up after about a half an hour taking them off and just hiking . I'm looking forward to skiing again next week when it is suppose to be nice again. Part of loving the skiing and snowshoeing is all the solitude and wonderful beauty of the landscape , I get to enjoy. They have a ski place that isn't that far from us but it is always so crowded. We have been going out to this place called Killbear. There is hardly no one there during the week and even when people are there it is so huge that you might not see many if any people at all. Nature at times is my only spirituality and I feel like I'm whole with my environment. I really can't put the feeling in words but it makes me happy and filled with marvel. It is sort of like a Emily Dickson poem where she speaks about the outdoors being her church.
I have neglected the house in the pursuit of my physical activity but I don't feel bad at all for neglecting it. Messes will always be here for me to clean. I will eventually get in the mood for the house but I'm taking the opportunity to do what I please and what I'm in the mood for. It works better that way for me as I find each to be a building step for me to get what I need to get done. By having fun I'm more likely to do what I need to do as I'm happy. I don't know how long my happiness and positively will last . But I will embrace any of it and try to build on the building blocks of being more functional.