I have been up for a very long time this morning . I have managed to do a bunch of nothing this morning. I have looked around the computer for hours and even chatted. I have even put on a pot roast in the crock pot. Watered plants and piddled around the house. This is in the attempt i don't have to deal with what I need to do to get ready for a trip I'm taking Friday till next Tuesday. I need to get ready to see my in-laws. Oh how I hate that trip anymore.
It isn't because I hate my in-laws. It is because they are so elderly and won't listen to reason when it comes to their care. We do this trip out of duty and also guilt. It is very boring there. We spend money we don't have to go see them. It cost us a small fortune. We have to get a motel for 4 days and also pay for gas and most of our food. We used to board the dogs but it got to expensive so we take them now. We have a friend that will watch the cat. It also cost us a lot of money because they stress us out so bad we end up in the motel bar drinking and bitching about them. Since we hardly ever go to a bar we justify it as a entertainment survival cost. We vent and get it out before we have to jump into the fire again the next day. My mother in law has Alzheimer's or what we call senile dementia. We hear the same stories all day long for the four days that we are there. She has started to be very anxiety ridden when it comes to going out. Which is totally not like her . She used to be very social. We can gradually get her out of the house and out to eat or etc when we take them places. It helps some. My father in law is of sound mind except having a mood disorder. You never know if he is going to be depressed or manic. Either way most of the time sucks. I prefer if he is more depressed than being aggressive with mania. Most of the time it reminds me in their home , it is the blind leading the blind. He also can't walk very well. We have tried to get them to go to a home. We have tried to get them help. We have set up bath ladies etc. They will only take the maid that they had way before they got cranky with us getting them help. It is really a no win situation . One of them probably will have to fall and break a hip or up in die to get some help. Our hands are tied since one of them appears to be in sound mind. Even though I doubt it at times.
We wring our hands not knowing what to do and walking on eggshells not to bring up reality. We try to just make the best of it and they like seeing us. Sometimes, it really gets to me also that they think nothing of us spending so much money . We are the poorest in the family and no one else in the family would even be strapped doing what we do. We aren't even poor but it really kills our bank account when we have so much going on. It also makes us where we can't go on a real vacation either now. We used to go on like two vacations a year and for the past couple of years we haven't been anywhere. I just shake my head and try to make myself think I look forward to this trip when I really don't. I do look forward though to getting out of the house.
Showing posts with label Elderly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Elderly. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Saturday, November 20, 2010
It Hit Me
I was talking to my mother the other day on the phone when she asked me a question.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.
I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.
" Do you want your grandmother's ugly old clock"? I thought about it for a minute and sad oh hell no. It is so ugly. I speak to my mother a lot and get updates all the time on my grandmother's well being and also my families well being. My grandmother is on hospice living with my mother. It has been very hard for my mother to watch her mother die. I hate hearing the heart-ache and misery in my mother's voice. My mother has been taking care of my grandmother for around 5-6 years. She has dementia and finally was put on hospice about three months ago when she started declining and failing .
I thought I was immune to the grief of my grandmother dying. She is very elderly and has not been in her right mind in years. I didn't think anything of her being on hospice until that damn clock. The ugly antique clock with metal pegs in it. I thought about that clock and gave my mother a call back. I wanted the clock after all. It was like it hit me. Grief that I didn't know was their. An overwhelming sadness came over me and the pain hit. The clock is eccentric like my grandma. It is a piece of her. The quirks I miss and have long missed. I have missed my grandma for years who has been locked in her destroyed brain from age. Now , I won't even have a grandma. I grieve the better aspects of my grandmother. As, much as I want to be a hard ass and not cry it came out. Buckets of tears and sadness.
I was so worn out yesterday from my grief and physical display of emotions. I was like a limp rag. Instead of denying my grief like I usually tend to do or run away from it, I just accepted it. I cooked good food and enjoyed some movies. I rested and took naps. I didn't try to drink myself into a crazy stupor. I was finally just in the moment and allowed that empty dark longing feeling fill me. As, hard as it is to feel grief sometimes we need to . This year has been just chalked full of grief for me. I lost my girls(Golden's) both in about two months. I also lost my uncle . I have been losing a family member about every year for the past 7 years or so. It isn't anything new but it never gets easier to lose anyone. It doesn't even get easier when you know someone who you consider a friend like my grandma is losing a battle with old age even though it is a part of life. I will miss her very much and I have missed her for many years. Sometimes, when death lingers for years it takes something out of you.
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